Thursday, December 14, 2017

snail on a keyboard

I contracted the Geico Sloth to do the blog 'shop graphic...

...to accompany my comfort therapy terrestrial pulmonate gastropod mollusc named Bob's guest blog columnist post.

If you feel you must comment, please wait for them to complete their work. It's not like I will be watching from a warm Florida beach with a drink in my hand.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Roy Moore Announces Middle School Yearbook Signing Tour

Judge "Judges" Book By Cover


Can You Get An F In Lunch?

Not as long as you stay away from that dude in the cowboy hat sitting on a horse named Sassy in the school parking lot.

Meanwhile... across the fruited plain.
Hundreds, perhaps trillions of middle-aged white people stood in line for literally what seemed like a thousand years in a Seattle book store yesterday to get a signed copy of Clinton’s latest book, “What Happened,” and to meet their queen.

“She’s American royalty,’’ said [some pussyhat wearing female buffoon] as her friends nodded in agreement. “We have a queen.”

“It was so inspirational. I can’t believe that... I’m standing in the same room with her.”

What? As opposed to lying horizontally in a nearby park with a 'self-inflicted' gunshot wound?

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Did Roy Moore Bully-Sign Boy's Yearbook?

BREAKING NEWS!!

Did Roy Moore bully-sign the yearbook of that Tennessee middle schooler with the funny schnoz? If so, can we all agree that maybe the judge has gone a little too far this time!? 

To Keaton,
If there is another Tennessee 
middle schooler with a funnier 
nose, I could not say.
Roy Moore - senator 2017

The Chattering Teeth Blog has the boy's original Horace Maynard Middle School yearbook, and their handwriting expert on staff is carefully analyzing the script as votes are being cast in the Alabama senate election (though the milk stains are distracting him). Will the results conclude that Moore bullied this young Jimmy Durante doppleganger? Will they be available in time to affect this election? Will Gloria Allred represent 'Rocky' after she gets a whiff of his mother's crowd funding efforts? Stay tuned for the exciting answers.

THE END

And now for a visit from the spirit of the Father from Christmas past.

Dude. Man up. 
Stand up for yourself. Don't ever willingly allow anyone to pour milk on you or put ham down your clothes without fighting back (or adding 2 slices of Wonder and squirting a mustard chaser down the front of your drawers for the laughs - chicks dig that kind of stuff). Don't be afraid to lose. In fact, you most likely will. But if you play your cards right, you won't lose before you get a good shot in on the biggest bully. And after you are knocked down and possibly bloodied, stand back up and confront them by yelling, "YOU QUIT, YOU LOSE M&**er F*%^ERS!!!!" Rinse and repeat. Trust me, they will think you crazy and leave you alone. There are always easier pickin's then 'crazy'. You see, there is no shame in losing my son. Only in not standing up for yourself. And not knowing which bathroom to use. My time is now done here. You will now be visited by the spirit of Christmas present. NOW whatcha gonna do when they come for you!?

Friday, December 8, 2017

Planned Parenthood Exit Coming Up

DOJ investigation launched into Planned Parenthood’s practice of selling baby parts

It's true, they kill millions of babies, then cut them up and sell their parts for profit - but should THAT minor detail override the good things they do? Like providing sex education... errr.... and providing important DIRECTORY services in telling young women where they can go if they insist on prenatal care or an actual breast exam.

And just WHO ARE YOU to decide that infanticide committed by a women's body is wrong? Don't like it, don't kill any!

I have a dream that one day the Buffalo Bill character from the movie Silence of the Lambs will not be judged by the content of his basement well nor the skins taken from his overweight victims, but by the quality of stitching for his 'woman suit'.

THIS JUST IN>>>
A "FREE MAMOGRAMS" (sic) sign found buried under the porch of legendary serial killer, John Wayne Gacy. If confirmed that Mr Gacy actually performed free mammograms or provided "non-judgmental" sex education - it could lead to his posthumous exoneration.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

The embassy just got 10 feet higher


Trump to move our embassy to Israel’s capital in Jerusalem.

The capital of the Jewish people for a mere 4,000 years or so.

The arabs who call themselves 'Palestinians' (which is not really a thing) say they will withdraw from the peace talks. YIKKES! *WRINGS HANDS* *lip quiver* *sob*

The MSM agree that Trump has destroyed the peace process, hoping we will ignore the 100+ years of violence perpetuated by these same arabs.

Hamas plans 'day of rage' in response to Trump's Jerusalem decision

TRUMP: "The embassy just got 10 feet higher."
In fact, let's put the embassy in that domed building on that rock. First, paint over that ugly gold - I'm thinking 'egg shell white' - and put up a neon TRUMP sign on top.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Cake

The "Gay wedding cake controversy" is now in the hands of the Supreme Court.

The very future of our fragile republic rests in the outcome, and the answers to these questions.
1) Will Ruth Bader Ginsburg stay awake long enough to give her dependable rubber stamp vote to the leftist?

B) How many drool aprons will she soil through today's opening arguments?

c) Will the gay male couple show up for oral arguments covered in frosting and confectionary sugars like that large lesbian couple who put Sweetcakes Bakery in Oregon out of business?


4) Will the high court take up my petition to force Masterpiece Cakeshop to bake me this chattering teeth cake?

Stay tuned for the exciting outcome.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Harvey Weinstein Christmas Album

Love listening to the classics this time of year!
Harvey sings...
She & Him  "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's warm on my casting couch
This audition has been - ignore your conjoined twin
So very nice - I'll drop my pants and release the dice

My agent might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink? - Chloral Hydrate in there
I wish I knew how - Close your eyes and brace yourself
To break this spell - You want the part or not? Your twin looks swell

There's bound to be charges tomorrow - Think of my cell mate's sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you disappeared and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out
Ah, but it's cold outside
Oh, baby, I'm cold inside