Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Obama claims to skeet shoot while surfing

Reporters caught up with the president shortly after his morning surf off the Hawaiian shores of Mekalekahimekahineyho.
Now Obama says he was misquoted about shooting guns, and blames Fox News for accusing him of feeble political pandering when they credited him as saying:

"Up at Camp David, we do skeet shooting all the time!"

"I never said I skeet shoot at Camp David. I thought they said 'skag shooting'", claimed Obama, as he tied off his rubber tourniquet around his razor thin bicep while tapping the air bubbles from his heroin needle.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

THE PERFECT GIFT for that pro-choice lib on your list!

This Christmas holiday season (or "winter solstice" if you prefer), get that pro-choice "someone special" the perfect gift. Don't wait until the last minute, only to order a really lame gift like "naming a star after someone" over the internet because you ran out of time. Get your liberal "significant other" something they will cherish for the rest of their lives -


It may not seem like it, but there is a finite number of stars in the universe. However, thanks to the election of Barack Obama, the "sky is the limit" for the number of future abortions available for you to name and give to your loved one. We here at the International Abortion Registry know how important it is in choosing just the right aborted and unwanted tissue mass for that special liberal feminist somebody in your life. We have an infinite quantity and variety of abortions for you to choose from. Pick from an assortment of races in either gender, or collect them all.

But that's not all! We have abortions available at any stage - from embryos all the way up to fully grown partial-birth abortions! Our Customer Service Infanticide Operators are standing by ready to take your call. Don't disappoint your soul mate with the usual necktie (or shrunken head?), put an abortion from the International Abortion Registry under the Wiccan tree for them this year!

Now just $19.95! Here's what you'll get:
* Your very own commemorative snow globe filled with abortion debris from the International Abortion Registry, complete with a brass nameplate in base engraved in honor of your lover's name.

* An official certificate with personal information about your aborted fetus - Gender, race, and family tree information included. Miniature bloody foot and handprints available for the first 50 callers!

Get the perfect gift for your domestic partner and celebrate the 35 years of legal carnage under Roe V. Wade!


"Last year, I thought it would be cool to name a star after my Janie. It cost me forty bucks and all she got was this bogus certificate that stated she was officially named in the Universal Star Catalog, whatever the f(blog edit) that is! Man, I didn't get any for a month after that! But then I had an abortion named after Janie on her birthday and she was sent a snow globe filled with bits of aborted flotsam! Now she is all over me 24/7! Thanks International Abortion Registry!"
Bob from Phoenix

"Yeah, I did the star naming thingy too, and boy what a mistake that was! So Alice opens her present and removes the certificate with her "star coordinates" on them and busts out crying. Hey Star Registry, we ain't got no Hubble telescope in the backyard. Even if we did, I ain't no Captain Kirk! I can't wait 'til she opens the snow globed abortion I got her this year. I think there is a little toe in there. Thanks International Abortion Registry!"
Ellen from San Francisco

No friends to buy for? Treat yourself - you deserve it. The jetsam-filled snow globe on the mantle or coffee table will be the perfect conversation piece when the neighbors pop in unexpectedly. A couple of quick shakes of the globe is all it takes to set the human debris in motion.

Call now and the first fifty callers will get a bonus set of Japanese Ginsu knives. How about that for you do-it-yourselfers?

So what are you waiting for? Call now.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Today's Topic: Manti Te'o, what's up with that?

Steve, we really should do a weekly Podcast.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The new Hapifork makes me hungry

Back by popular demand, Chattering Teeth's exclusive Product Review of a new product I've never actually used.
This week's product is the Hapifork. The HapiFork is the first Internet-connected fork that tracks your calorie intake as you eat and once you're reached the pre-set designated caloric intake limit, "it sets off an alarm" and begins to vibrate.

The "HapiFork" is being unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show this week, and I'm predicting sparse to no crowds around this booth. Some ideas fall flat, and I see this one going the way of Kramer's "make your own pizza" restaraunt.

Seriously, who is the target audience for this revolutionary product? Certainly not us dudes.

Speaking for myself, on the rare occasions when I visit a nicer restaurant, I become disoriented and confused by the seemingly overzealous array of feeding implements.

When I see a setting such as the one pictured here, I do not think to myself, "gee, I really could use another fork." I just grab the one with the biggest handle and use it on all courses.

What about the fellas with a weight problem? Couldn't this product help them?

Think of one of those 800+ pound morbidly obese dudes confined to their own hospital beds at home... The ones that occasionally need the roof removed and firemen's assistance to get out of the house. Do you really think mister HapiFork would have helped him? The vibrating fork tines would have quickly become like Pavlov's dogs and the ringing of the dinner bell.

"Vibrating tines? Time for another shovel full!"

Seriously, unless those things were programmed to shoot out like some steel porcupine needles, or programmed to inject a substance tasting like skunk ass, they're not going to be effective. Even then, the dude is just going to eat with his hands, am I right gentleman?

But maybe the ladies will like it. Even so, do we really need to plug everything into the internet for mayor bloomberg to monitor?

"Thanks for using the HapiComb, getting a little thin up top, ain'tcha bro?"

Next year's prototype will likely be be the HapiTampon. Just plug on end into your iPad or laptop, and the other end... well, you get the picture. I strongly urge my future fellow citizens to please not mix up their stable of Hapi products.

Well, good luck to them. As for me, I think Ruprecht got it right the first time with his cork on the fork.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Tiger Woods plays air guitar!

Did you know the Qatar Masters will be held later this month, from January 23-26, and one of the world's greatest Qatar players will not even be there? 

Notice I didn't say "Guitar Masters", I said Qatar, as in the annual professional golf tournament held in Qatar. Per this linked story, the Qataris can't afford to pay Tiger Wood's whopping appearance fee.

Tiger Woods may guarantee packed galleries but even the oil-rich Qataris cannot afford the former world number one's appearance fee for the only European Tour event in the Gulf state.

..."Tiger Woods demands $3 million just for an appearance, if he were to compete - which is not worth paying for a tournament of $2.5 million prize money," (Qatar Golf Association president Hassan al Nuaimi) told the Doha News.

PICTURED: This is not president Hassan al Nuaimi surrounded by fellow "Qataris", but Star Trek hippies rocking out.

OK, I'm having a hard time believing a few things in this article. First, I don't think a small oil country in the middle east really hosts a professional golf tournament. Who wants to watch these guys hit from one huge sand trap all day? I like a good bunker shot as much as the next guy, but I'd like to see at least a couple drives and fairway shots. Putting on the beach is no fun either. So that's first.

Further stretching credibility is that we are supposed to believe Tiger's $3 million appearance fee is too steep for the Qataris. Puhleeze! Your country is floating over a vast oil reservoir. Golf sheik Al Nuaimi could scrape together $3 million faster than he could a scoop of camel poo.

Knowing what we do now about Tiger and his special needs, I'm sure his "appearance fee" includes more than a few spare million. Think about it folks, what is it that Tiger craves and the arabs are woefully short in? (HINT: Not oil, $ or camel poo).

Even if Tiger waived his usual demands for a different babe every day of the tournament and would settle for just one fairly attractive female for the weekend, how could Qatar possibly find one?

So in conclusion, the Qatar Masters is coming up. Qatar is not a planet in the Epsilon Four star system (nor an electronic musical instrument perfected by big-haired male earthlings), but a country in the Gulf region of the Middle East. The Qatar Masters is a golf tournament, and Tiger Woods will not be there.

You'll have to tune in to see if Eddie Van Halen makes the cut this year. 

Friday, January 11, 2013

Ted Nugent and a fully armed Rosa Parks

VP Biden recently told reporters that “The president is going to act,” threatening executive orders to further the firearms-confiscation plans and repealing of the Second Amendment.

Motor City Madman, Ted Nugent says that isn't going to happen.
"There will come a time when the gun owners of America, the law-abiding gun owners of America, will be the Rosa Parks and we will sit down on the front seat of the bus, case closed.” 

Ted has once again created quite a firestorm of controversy among the leftist sheeple in the liberal blogosphere with this quote. If there is anyone more hated among the left than Rush Limbaugh, it's Ted Nugent - specifically because both are so effective in discrediting them. And no one is more adored for civil rights advancement than Rosa Parks.


It seems to me that Nugent is carefully measuring his comments on this topic for obvious reasons. Maybe this has to do with a comment he made last April about the election that prompted a visit from the secret service when he said, "We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off in November."

While this comment unquestionably uses very graphic imagery, it certainly did not deserve a visit from the men in black suits and dark sun glasses with their strong-arm intimidation tactics.

Now as to this comparison to Rosa Parks, I think it's important to state the obvious. Yes, Rosa Parks used peaceful civil disobedience to protect rights guaranteed under the 14th Amendment. She was successful in advancing the cause of freedom with this tactic because of her courage, and because it was 1955. In other words, the time was ripe for a champion to step up along the lines of Miss Parks.

Had Rosa been born 100 years earlier, she would likely have been a slave and her act of defiance would not have been quite so successful. The difference between 1855 and 1955 is that there was a civil war in between to advance the cause of freedom. 

So I'm all for peaceful civil disobedience, if it's defined by simply ignoring and defying every unconstitutional syllable that escapes from obama's corrupt and immoral piehole... peaceful civil disobedience right up until his SS try to enforce his BS.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Fetus heads fetus heads eat them up, yum!

Macabre edible lifesized chocolate baby heads
Even if you could countenance the disturbing prospect of gnawing on a newborn, there’s your waistline to consider.

The life-size, solid white chocolate creation weighs nearly one kilogram and contains 5,000 calories – nearly twice the recommended daily calorie intake for men.

But creator Annabel de Vetten has been swamped with orders. Even she admits it’s ‘quite surprising’ – but the heads are in demand for parties and even as baby shower gifts.

And if these sweet infant sized craniums are too big to bite – the inventor of these confectionery holocausts suggests you simply "smash them with a hammer" first.

My first reaction to this story is an urge to projectile vomit. Is there anything more repulsive and disturbing than this? What kind of skullduggery is at work here when baby heads only come in solid white chocolate? Who eats white chocolate!? I'm sorry, but I want MY baby heads served with a thick dark chocolate shell encompassing a cherry and gray matter (nougatty) filling.

But NOOOOO! Once again, we milk chocolate and dark chocolate lovers are the objects of discrimination at the hands of a racist cake artist!

According to the creator, it was hoped that the birth of these chocolate baby heads would be ‘something that would shock people’.

Really? We are approaching the 40th anniversary of Roe v Wade, the desecration that legalized infanticide and has resulted in a DAILY loss of life equal to that Americans experienced on 9-11. A 9-11 type holocaust every day, yet this fact is literally ignored by the majority of folks too busy posting their pet photos on their favorite social media site every day. If they're immune to the horror that is abortion, I really don't think they'll get worked up over these chocolate baby heads.

Besides, it is only those Christians and conservatives who believe in that fairytale that life begins at conception. They have not been enlightened like the rest of us that understand life begins approximately 18 years after evacuating the womb, becoming fully indoctrinated during a state-controlled public education, then joining a union or casting the first obamavote.

Maybe she could take her business to the next level by using actual head molds from aborted fetuses. I can almost see the marketing theme now...

Did you get knocked up but you don't want to be inconvenienced with a baby? Turn the likeness of your unwanted tissue mass into a wanted mass of emulsified sugar, vanilla, milk and cocoa bean byproducts today! For only $14.99, you can satisfy your sweet tooth while celebrating your right to choose between white or dark chocolate fetus heads molded directly from your abortion. Gluten free bundles of soy available soon!  

56 million served since January 22, 1973!

(Cue the commercial theme song)

Fetus Heads

(Chorus and first verse)
Fetus heads fetus heads
Roly poly fetus heads
Fetus heads fetus heads
eat them up, yum!

Ask a fetus head anything you want to
they wont answer they cant talk.
I took a fetus head out to see a mooovie
didnt have to pay to get it in.
They don't play baseball
they don't wear sweaters
they're not good dancers
They dont play drums!!
Rolypoly fetusheads are never seen drinking capachino in Italian restaurants
with oriental women!!!!!
Fetus heads fetus heads
Roly poly fetus heads
Fetus heads fetus heads
eat them up, yum!

Brought to you by the makers of these commemorative snow globes filled with abortion debris

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Who's ready for President Obama for life?

H.J.Res. 15: Proposing an amendment to the Constitution of the United States to repeal the twenty-second article of amendment, thereby removing the limitation on the number of terms an individual may serve as President.

This is awesome news America, President Obama for life! In fact, let's just get rid of these irritating "terms" and put an end to these contrived voting fiascoes every four years. 

We can adopt an Obamonarchy and his successor will come directly from his bloodline. His two girls are next in line and should immediately be addressed as Princess Somalia and Princess Mo'keesha (or whatever the hell their names are). The half brother living in the ramshackle shack in that Nairobi slum would be in line after the girls. details schmeetails! we can work succession out later, now it's time to party!

Remember how Obama hinted during the fiscal cliff negotiations that he would be demanding new stimulus spending and authority to unilaterally raise the U.S. borrowing ceiling? This caused Mitch McConnell, the Senate Republican leader, and other republicans to “burst into laughter”. Well who's laughing now? You better hope King O decides to keep you clowns around at all. Every Court needs their Jesters, right?

When President Obama was asked about H.J.Res. 15, he stated very emphatically (between slurps on his Hawaiian sno cone) that it's passing was not up for negotiation and that the consequences for the entire global economy would be catastrophic if he were forced to leave office by a Tea Party led election in four years!

Dream on Republicans! No pesky Constitutional Amendments have stopped him yet!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Did you get your mandatory obamacare procedure yet, and do you like Eric Clapner?

If you've ever tripped and fallen while dodging imaginary Bosnian gunfire - hitting your head on your club-like cankle which resulted in a subdural hematoma of the transverse sinus venous thrombosis, you know how painful that can be.  

PICTURED: Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders performs a mandatory procedure under the new obamacare mandates. Afterwards, Hillary was heard to mumble, 

"I likes Eric Clapner... I don't feeel no ways tarred"..." 

I can't help thinking that had Bill been "smoking a cigar" at the time, he might have been killed.

Probably not much chance of that since I doubt Bill and Hill have "smoked" with each other for years and the only chance of Hillary getting a stain on her dress these days is by a slip-n-fall.

But that's not what I came here today to tell you about. I wanted to show you this cartoon.


I imagine myself as the "Grampa" in this cartoon, and the inquisitive Pippi Longstocking look-a-like as my fictional grandaughter.

If the cartoon continued, the next frames might have Pippi telling me that she was accessing the old archived internet using her implanted iEye device (this is in the future after all) and asking me why I blogged about some old bag's problematic cankles on the day after the start of the end of America.

She might also plead, "Grampa please quit breaking wind!" But by this time, our imaginary 5 minute break is up and the Chinese soldiers force us back into the textile labor camp at gunpoint.

Back to the present... While I often blog nonsensical crap, I do so on purpose and with full knowledge where this nation is heading (unlike the ignorant and uniformed obamabot masses)... But why obsess? Cankles are more fun.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Hillary Rodham Clottin'

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has a blood clot between her brain and her skull... caused by a trip-n-fall I believe. I just hope she didn't trip over Vince Foster's rotting corpse again. 

I think we can all hope in a bipartisan way that Hillary has a quick recovery,  and  that Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders is waiting in the wings just in case things go south and power tools become necessary.  

When this story first came to my attention, it was said that Hillary suffered from a subdural hematoma of the transverse sinus venous thrombosis. When it was made clear that this meant her injury was focused in an area of the body seldom used by liberals, I breathed a long sigh of relief. Had her clot formed in a cankle it would have been devastating. 

Happy New Year!