Saturday, June 30, 2012

What I did last night (a short story) ALT TITLE: You can have your urinal cake but don't eat it too

What was that? Did I hear something?

I realize that I'm not awake... at least not fully. I seem to be in that fuguelike transitional state between sleep and consciousness. That half-dream borderland that has always scared me since I was a child, waking all sweaty from a nightmare just enough to recognize my sleep paralysis. I begin to think I must have imagined whatever it was that had dragged me unwillingly from the inky depths and I try to turn back toward the blissful world of unconsciousness. I just want to sleeeeep...

“Hey, listen up. Yeah, I’m talking to you..."

"What the...?" That voice again! It keeps calling me... no, TAUNTING me!

While a full measure of lucidness is currently escaping me, I instinctively realize enough to become instantly terrified. I experience a fright-induced adrenaline surge through my bloodstream as it occurs to me, even in my currently foggy state, that I DON'T RECOGNIZE THAT VOICE!!!

I lay still with my eyes shut tight, trying not to move or change my breathing and alert the owner of that voice that I am awakening. Where am I? Have I been drugged?

"Had a few drinks? Maybe a few too many?"

THERE IT IS AGAIN! That voice. I take no comfort in the realization that it belongs to a female. I try to focus on my situation, but the excruciating headache pain that seems to be emanating from directly behind my eyeballs are making this incredibly difficult. I suppress the urge to audibly gasp when I experience what feels like lightning bolts tearing through my brain.  

I quiet my thoughts and try to concentrate on my situation. My body feels oddly contorted and I am overcome with extremely noxious odors. I try squinting through my eyelids but am guessing I must be blindfolded as I am enveloped in darkness.  Suddenly, water is flowing in my nose and mouth... *cough* *cough* I'M DROWNING!

"...Do yourself and everyone else a favor..."

So is THIS how it ends? Tortured and waterboarded by a strange female operative, then taken out when she extracts every state secret I possess?


"...Call a sober friend or a cab.”


I vault my body upwards, hitting the top of my skull on what feels like a hard porcelain sledgehammer. When the bells in my head stop ringing, I open my eyes to assess my real situation. I extricate the rest of my body from the urinal, and sheepishly head out the bathroom door. I wave to my favorite bartender as he wipes down the long, cedar bar top.

"I think you overserved me again Rando!," I mumbled, as I stumble out the saloon style doors at the Turtle Mountain Brewery in Rio Rancho. As I pedal my bike toward home, the female voice of the urinal cake calls out to me from my back pocket...

"..And don’t forget: Wash your hands!"

"I think me and her, we're gonna get along just fine!," thought I, as I pumped my bike pedals faster.


Did you know that the Michigan Office of Highway Safety to distribute talking urinal cakes to over 200 bars in an effort to combat drunk driving? Based on my unscientific pie chart of "Where Drunks Pee", they might have more success helping lonely guys, like our hero above.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Apple Smiles - Chattering Teeth Treats

Hahaha! Why didn't somebody tell me about these?
(found at

  • smooth peanut butter
  • 1 red apple, cored and sliced into eighths
  • squeeze of lemon juice
  • miniature marshmallows
  1. Spread peanut butter on one side of each apple slice (squeeze a little lemon juice over the apple if not serving immediately).
  2. Place four miniature marshmallows on one apple slice and then lay another apple slice, peanut butter side down, on top.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Game of Pooh Sticks

When you play the Game of Pooh Sticks, you win, or, like, your stick just takes a bit longer, I guess.


 Check out the full crossover 'Winnie the Pooh' and 'Game of Thrones' comic below.

A Smackerel for Crows


SHOCK POLL: Bush A Head in Poll!!!

In the latest Chattering Teeth Tracking Poll - Who would you prefer to occupy the Oval Office in 2012?

When given the choice between an Obama second term or the rubber severed head molded in the likeness of George W. Bush (used in HBOs hit series 'Game of Thrones')...

Sixty-two percent (62%) of Likely U.S. Voters believe the Bush head's economic plan would be more sound than Obama's.

Twenty-five percent (25%) still blame the actual George W. Bush (head and all) presidency for today's woes. Of course, these same people have the intellectual capacity of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Thirteen percent (13%) would still rather see A cardboard cutout of Barack Obama as opposed to it's flesh and blood counterpart.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Should heads roll at HBO for using a Bush's severed head in Game of Thrones?

HBO apologized Wednesday for using a fake George W. Bush head on the hit series 'Game of Thrones' created by George R.R. Martin.

"We certainly didn't mean to offend our friends on the left by using a fake head. Trust me, we just couldn't get our hands on the real thing."

The above quote is actually fake and completely manufactured by me. I hope I didn't offend the HBO writers by this, but I just had this pseudo quote lying around and figured, "why not use it?"

Here is some of their actual controversial commentary found on the DVD set of HBO's Season 1 Game of Thrones...

"George Bush's head appears in a couple of beheading scenes. It's not a choice, it's not a political statement. We just had to use whatever heads we had lying around."

This explanation sounds legit. Who here can honestly state they don't have a few rubber severed heads lying around that resemble former President George W. Bush?

This screen capture depicts the evil boy king Joffrey proudly pointing to his collection of heads on pikes. In this scene, he cruelly forces his betrothed, Sansa Stark, to view her father's head.

Now some have called this "disgraceful" and "disgusting" and further have argued for a boycott of this very popular show. FULL DISCLOSURE: I am a huge fan of the books, this series AND of former President George W. Bush's head remaining firmly ensconced upon his torso.

For those unfamiliar with the story, let me just say that the fake Bush head is in good company, as it joins the head of Eddard Stark (Ned), Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North. Ned was a rare man of honor and integrity who possessed a sense of duty and justice that was second-to-none. The evil-doer King Joffrey had Ned Stark unjustly beheaded for treason because Ned had discovered Joffrey's claim to the throne was illegitimate as he was the bastard product of an incestuous relationship between the Queen and her brother. Ewww.

So if George and Ned are both men of "honor and integrity" unjustly persecuted for their virtue, then I will let you figure out for yourself who the evil boy king with the illegitimate claim to the throne represents.

On an unrelated subject, everyone knows the story of the letter a beardless Abraham Lincoln received from an 11-year-old girl urging him to grow whiskers because he would look better on the penny. One has to wonder whether or not this episode above will trigger a piece of silly affection in George W. Bush for long, knotted and straggly hair.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Standing up for Religious Freedom and in Opposition to Obama's Unjust HHS Mandate

PICTURED: A civilian spy drone camouflaged as a dragonfly captures the rare image of wanted and reclusive Conservative blogger known only as "DaBlade" from Chattering Teeth. The tall and handsome DaBlade is pictured here centered between the traffic lights holding a subversive sign uncomplimentary to President Obama, peace be unto him. When the traffic light changed from yellow to red, and DaBlade was still several feet from the sidewalk, agents quickly moved in and subsequently roughed him and cuffed him and arrested him for jaywalking.  

OK, not really. That is me, but I wasn't arrested... and if Janet Napolitano questions me later, I will swear I made it to the curb before the light changed.

I celebrated Mass at St. Matt's yesterday morning with my lovely bride and several hundred of my brothers and sisters in Christ, then rallied for Religious Freedom and the protest for the defeat of Obama's unjust and unconstitutional HHS mandate. The crowd at the Flint rally was estimated to be over 400, joining the tens of thousands rallying across the country.

MLive photos and story.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Planned Parenthood Embedded in an LA High School to administer Studentifacient Drugs?

Everyone remember the story a few weeks ago about the high school student in North Carolina who posted a YouTube video of his teacher threatening him with imprisonment for criticizing Obama?

Now we get THIS story of a Planned Parenthood actually setting up shop INSIDE a high school, ostensibly to supply contraception in an attempt to reduce teen pregnancies, but could there be another reason?

Are we to assume one story has nothing to do with the other? Puh...leeeze!!  I might have been born at night on a turnip truck traversing a bumpy road to market, but not LAST night!

Nowhere in the Lamestream media do you find the obvious linkage between these two stories. You ought to thank your lucky browsers you have Chattering Teeth to connect the hidden agenda.

SURE! First, the in-school Planned Parenthood will simply distribute rubbers as a side condom-ment with the free lunch (to be used for mandatory fornication during recess), but it won't be long before teachers will begin to administer "post-birth" Studentifacient drugs to unsuspecting high schoolers who are overheard speaking ill of the president.

How long before we hear this audio on a viral YouTube video?

Student: Didn't Obama bully a kid when he was young? 
Teacher (sic): UH UH! OH NO YOU DI'INT!
Student: Obama is not God. He's just a man.
Student: I didn't disrespect him, I just asked a question.