Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Obamacare Sex Panels Questionnaire - Don't ask, Don't tell, Don't cluck

Some of you may remember me blogging about my neighbor and progressive activist, Gullible Gabe, and our over-the-fence conversations. Remember, I only have to call him "Gabrielle" when he is mowing his lawn with his 275lb flabby and hairy frame stuffed into a faded, double Buddha sun dress, lips and cheeks covered with an uneven swath of red lipstick and his twisted and hairy size 11 feet wedged inside petite high-heeled red pumps. Think "Sandra Fluke", but actually slightly more attractive.

I'm usually successful racing to my door without giving him the opportunity to engage me in conversation, but this was not one of those days. As I fumbled the house key to my sanctuary, I hear him call me from over my shoulder.

Gullible Gabe: "Howdy neighbor! Got a second?"

Me: Hi Ga.... brielle. Sorry, but like I told you before. I don't smoke methajuanna.

Gullible Gabe: I'm hoping you can help me answer this Obamacare questionnaire so it's all ready for the next time I go to the doctor. It's demanding to know about my sex life and I'm kinda stuck on this first question. It asks:

"Are you sexually active? If so, with one partner, multiple partners or same-sex partners?”

Me: Ah, so this obamacare interrogation has you starting to see things my way and are wondering why your sex life is your chiropractors business! Maybe NOW you are regretting your life-long zombie-like support of the democrat party and their over-reaching and out-of-control, liberty-killing socialist policies that have destroyed this economy and is now obsessed with continuing to expand its database of information on every citizen with this intrusive and unnecessary obamacare questionnaire - no longer having to rely on their illegal surveillance techniques, but just denying treatment if you refuse to answer! Make no mistake, these questions have very little to do with helping the doctor treat whatever ails you at that moment, but to be entered into the whirring and expanding government  harddrive of information, accessible to the IRS and all other agencies to target groups they hold in disfavor.

Gullible Gabe: What?... No. Only you Christian, conservative, married, heterosexual Tea Party couples have to worry about targeting. I was just wondering if the question covered my unique... sexual preferences.

Me: Why are you confused? Aren't you still seeing your all-male extreme poetry reading club? I heard that if you liked your sex life, you can keep it. Just check off all the boxes... Uhhhh, Gabrielle, why is there a chicken in your window sill?

Gullible Gabe: I told you it was unique. And there's no box on this questionnaire for that.

Me: At least you've managed to answer Frank Costanza's dinner table riddle involving the chicken, the rooster and the hen. It always had me wondering.

Gullible Gabe: To make matters worse, our town is not on the list of Genesee County towns that allow chickens.

Me: Don't worry, I read that too. The ordinance says you can't keep chickens in your backyard but it doesn't say anything about your bedroom. Just write "chickens" in the margin and move on. Will there be anything else, or can I get to that Seinfeld rerun and my 20-piece nuggets?

Gullible Gabe: One more thing neighbor. This quiz also wants to know if I've ever used drugs, including IV drugs. Now I'm an edumacated man but I have always zoned out on test days in school. Thankfully, I went to a public school so my scores never really mattered before.

Me: Again, I think you'd be safe to just check them all. Then again, make sure you don't accidently check that you are a Christian conservative, married, heterosexual tobacco user with a firearm or you'll never get an appointment.

Then again, THAT is one way to ensure a house call.

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