Monday, November 3, 2014

Diary of an undecided voter (I hope this helps. Or not)

Dear Diary,

We are on the eve of the midterms (so I am told) and if there is one thing I know with absolute certainty, it's that I believe I am still an undecided voter, but please don't pin me down on that.

Oh, don't get me wrong! What with all the major national issues at stake, I am absolutely, positively voting tomorrow... I think. Seriously, how else am I supposed to score one of those cool "I VOTED" stickers I plan on smugly displaying around the water cooler.

While I may (or may not) be completely certain which candidate has earned my vote yet, rest assured that I will be completely at ease with my ultimate selection, depending upon my mood (and blood alcohol and THC levels) when it's my turn in the booth.

Oh sure, we are at a spork in the road in the struggle for our continued survival and national identity, so I may (or may not) revert to the tried and true method of multiple choice test taking that has never let me down. Namely, "when in doubt, Charlie out." 

With the president's agenda on the ballot the future of our republic and control of the Senate literally up for grabs, please tell me that you really didn't think I would revert to simply "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe-ing" did ya?

It's true that I am somewhat wishy washy at this exact moment regarding my ballot choices, but that's because I am potentially so much more informed than any previous generation before me (unless they insist otherwise?).

Think about it... Its a fractious media today, and people no longer have to sit in front of their black and white TVs at precisely 6PM or 11PM and choose from as many as three stations (depending upon the creative use of aluminum foil on the rabbit ears) to be fed the nightly news from the mouth of a nicely dressed anchorman with perfect hair, if not diction.

Now, I can get my info passively, or pulled and pushed to any one of my several dozen mobile devices, from an untold number of news sites, blogs, twitter feeds, and of course, my personal favorite mobile devices: my fleet of talking Barbies, etc., at any time of the day or night.

What I can say without equivocation or incertitude, is that Dancing with the Stars celebrity pair, Janel Parrish and Val Chmerkovskiy, are most definitely dating! At least, that's what the celebrity gossip pages are saying, and I can't think of a good reason why they would lie to me.

So diary, while I seem to be noncommittal regarding my vote tomorrow, that doesn't mean that I am unsure about my core values and what I most dearly believe in. Let me be as unambiguous as I possibly can on this point. I will vote for the candidate that has the greatest odds of increasing my own popularity and making me feel good about myself, regardless of any disastrous national implications.

And the environment. I think I like the environment. And these condoms, and that's all I need.

It is all so confusing. Once I think I have my decision, I get another one of those automated phone calls, or I catch a commercial on TV that tells me all sorts of mean and nasty stuff about one of the candidates, and I am forced to change my mind again.

SO TIME TO STEP UP mister and misses candidates, and vie for the full support of us undecideds. 

I know my vote will be well thought out and disseminated in my brain. Basically, I will throw my full support behind the candidate who's superficial and pandering robo call I receive last... or not.

4 comments:

Z said...

well put, indeed!
And I LOVE the image with the children watching their teacher's hero, "THE ONE" with his arrogant chin in the air. (Airogant?)

By the way, just wanted you to be sure I didn't write that piece you read at geeeZ! Cain did :-)

Ed Bonderenka said...

I think I like what you wrote here, but upon reflection, I'm not certain I can be sure or not of whether I should affirm your position or not.
Maybe.

Jess said...

"Undecided Voter" is synonymous with "dumbass". That's like "independents". If you're fighting a war against tyranny, riding the fence will only lead to chapped butt cheeks and the dread of anal sex.

DaBlade said...

Z, yes that is one of my favorite animated gifts I've recycled a couple times already. I'm sure you'll see it again at some point. I was in hurry mode yesterday morning so I wouldn't be late, but has anyone ever told you that you and Cain look alike? More directly, has he ever asked you how tall you were? :)

Ed, You are a man of conviction during the times you are not waffling.

Jess, I think the democrats have the chapped butt cheeks crowd firmly in their camp, but I know what you mean. I wonder who Honey Boo Boo is voting for?