Happy In Dungeness Crab Peoples' Day

 I was exiting a Whole Foods Market empty-handed (the "W" on the sign was burned out, so it read "hole Foods", which I naturally assumed meant Donut Shop) when the store greeter - a long-haired freaky person wearing a nametage with "Skippy" on it - engaged me in a repartee...

SKIPPY: Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day.

BLADE: Deciduous Day? Like when trees lose their leaves? And people have to rake them up? It's about time we had a day for that.

SKIPPY: IN -DI- GE- NOUS! Indigenous Peoples' Day.

BLADE: Did you say, "Happy In Dungeness Peoples' Day"? Like the crabs? I loved Half-Life 2, that PC game with the parasitic alien crab creatures latch onto the human hosts to create zombies. Think CNN as the crab and the average anti-Trumper as the zombie. I must have played that game half a dozen times. Happy In Dungeness Peoples' Day to you!

SKIPPY: Crabs? No. I said INDIGENOUS. It means...

BLADE:  (interrupting) Don't tell me! I'll get it. Is it INGENUOS Day? I believe the definition means "naive or innocent". So it's naive day, where the ignorant liberal white women pretend Michigan senate candidate Abdul el-sayed is a sincere champion of catch phrases for dummies and not actually a trojan horse for jihadists and communists?

SKIPPY: It's INDIGENOUS Peoples' Day!

BLADE:  Let me check my calendar... I believe you meant to say, Happy Columbus Day! You know, "In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue."

SKIPPY: Nope. I meant to say "Indigenous"... You know, referring to the the native people who were here more than 20,000 years before Columbus arrived in 1492! 

BLADE: And yet, they didn't even have the wheel. I mean, the ocean goes both ways. Nothing was stopping these "native people" from building huge ships and sailing east and discovering Italy. And by "native people," do you mean the Indians? Also known as "Injuns?" That's it, right? Injun-eous peoples' day?

SKIPPY: I didn't say Injuneous! That term is a racial slur and used as a pejorative against the red skinned peoples. I said Indigenous! The first peoples!

BLADE: The first peoples were actually the crabheads. They were here before the Younger Dryas. That's science. Anyway, their time ended with the great flood. Eventually, the waters receeded and tribes of humans migrated over a land bridge between Siberia and Alaska - completely bypassing the border wall I might add. These illegal alien tribes were very territorial and not very good neighbors, frequently engaging in warfare with each other long before the Europeans landed. Conquest was in their very nature. Might makes right. So had Columbus, or any Europeans not discovered this land mass, would the great plains of North America still be sparsely populated with violent spear-chucking hunter-gatherers like the Sentinelese people (google it) even today? I think, yes. Columbus was the tip of the spear for bringing civilization to a backward third-world people. 

SKIPPY: (hands shaking, as he takes a long drag from his marijuanna stick) That is NOT what my Berkeley professor told me! He said, the INDIGENOUS...

BLADE: (interrupts again) AH, I get it... You're saying INGENIOUS, which (according to Britannica) is an adjective that means very clever, original, inventive, or resourceful. What better way to describe Christopher Columbus, the Italian explorer who discovered America? Sorry I misunderstood originally... Yes, Columbus was Ingenious. And brave. Can you imagine sailing one-way across a vast ocean without knowing if there was even safe harbor on the other side, or if the water just cascaded over the edge of the flat Earth? So... Happy INGENIOUS Peoples' Day to you!

SKIPPY: (starts to cry) The white man was bad! The indigenous native peoples were a peaceful folk who wore loincloths and ornamental feathers while dancing around the campfire smoking peace pipes (sob)... until the white man came and did bad things or something...

BLADE: I think you're being disingenuos, which means lacking in true honesty, candor, or sincerity, often by pretending to know less about a situation than you actually do. Then again, maybe you're just high. Happy disingenuos indigenous day.

SKIPPY: AND I THINK YOU'RE A RACIST who hates the Native Americans because their skin is red! Why else could you be against honoring them with this special day!?

BLADE: Wrong again, Skippy. Just pick a different day. Heck, take the whole late Autumn... I love a good Indian summer. You are the low t self-hating white dude that hates white people, evidenced by your social media virtue signaling, parading in the racist BLM parades and tearing down statues of long dead founders and pioneers because they were white. Us christians love all people because we understand we were all created in His image. That's why we object to the attempted canceling of Columbus Day. So when I hear someone say, "Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day," I picture you with a crab on your head.

Now I need to see a man about a donut.

Pictured: In the game Half-Life 2, Dr. Kleiner made a pet of a headcrab and named it Lamarr.  Lamarr's sharp "teeth" or beak were removed so she cannot latch onto or control a human host. The same would happen with the crabs infesting The View.