Monday, March 17, 2008

Democrats need the Smart Goggles

Smart Goggles Don't confuse beer goggles with Smart Goggles, invented by Professor Kuniyoshi at the University of Tokyo. These goggles have a built in camera, display screen, and computer-powered brain thingy. Other than making the wearer look like a complete dork, they reportedly remember where you last saw your keys, your iPod, your pocket protector, etc.

Just read the following assorted features and tell me that you don't have the urge to run out and buy one of these Goggles:
...it could also be used as an educational tool. If given the right programming, it could allow wearers to walk through gardens, stare (at) unfamiliar plants and find out their names instantly.

More sophisticated versions could also help people who are bad at remembering names get through awkward social situations.

The invention does have flaws. It cannot cope with family members who insist on hiding or moving objects. And it struggles to cope with objects placed in unusual positions.
OK, listen up Yoshi, allow me to help you out with a few things. First, I get it. You invented these glasses because in some nerd-logic way, you thought that it might help you get a girlfriend, and not one that has one of those valve stems, am I right? What you need to do immediately is to STOP walking through gardens with those goggles staring at plants. You're scaring the chicks. Seriously.

Next, you say that these goggles will remind the wearer the name of the person they are conversing with, thereby avoiding that "awkward social situation." The computer evidently has face recognition technology and will flash the name of your subject on the view screen, correct? well, unless you are trying to pick up a cyborg "woman" while wearing these goggles, EVERY situation might be construed as "awkward". Man, you are just trying too hard! Turn the viewscreen on ESPN-HD, grab a cold one and chill. Your rugged disinterest and anti-social behavior will actuallly ATTRACT the females. Trust me here, Yoshi.

Lastly, what the $%^& kind of sick family members do you have, and why do they insist on moving and hiding your keys? You might want to equip those goggles with a little side laser. Keep that baby on "stun" and let them have it if they get close to your stuff. This laser should also be equipped with a lethal setting, as you never know when you might run into Godzilla in the streets. (GO-ZEE-RAAA!!) Just kidding. Didn't mean to scare you.

Hope that helped.

Now I'm thinking that this invention might help the Democrats find a solution out of their current cunnundrum. Perhaps these Smart Goggles could allow the wearer to discern the true nature of the candidate. A glimpse at their soul, if you will. This should be within the parameters of what these goggles can do. I mean, these are Democrats we are talking about. The software wouldn't need to be any more complicated than the program used for plant staring in that garden.

So rather than an expensive re-do of the primaries in Michigan and Florida and being no better off for it, just try the goggles. What do you have to lose? Certainly not your dignity. Put them on and power them up. Let's start by taking a closer look at Barak Obama. No, no, no. I mean, Really LOOK at him. After cutting through the packaging and marketing, what do you think the goggles might reveal? If the goggles worked as advertised, you might just be staring at that empty suit. Maybe you want to give Obama the goggles and let him wear them throughout his presidency. Obama has no real experience to draw from in a time of crisis. Maybe the goggles' viewscreen would constantly display correct responses to world leaders for unlimited hypothetical situations. The goggles could be programed with a smart chip routine called, "what would Ronald Reagan do?". Nah. As Ron White says, "you can't fix stupid".

What about the true Hillary exposed? Yikes!

On second thought, just put on those beer goggles!

Happy St. Patty's Day!

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