In case you missed it, convicted murderer Jack Kevorkian is running for Congress this year. Dr. Kevorkian had read the interview I did with John Kerry back in 2004 and liked the way it was handled, and so he enthusiastically agreed to sit down with me for this interview.
Me: I appreciate you agreeing to talk to me today. I imagine that you are being hounded for interview requests, what with your announcement that begins your candidacy.
Jack: Anything to get away from that Feiger character. I swear. One of these days...
Me: Before we discuss your future political aspirations, I'd like to talk to you about your past. You spent 8-plus years in prison for second degree murder. It is reported that you are responsible for an estimated 130 deaths from "assisted suicide". Any chance you can narrow that number down into an exact body count?
Jack: I might. But then I'd have to kill you.
Me: Very funny Dr. Death. Seriously though. call me crazy. I know it's probably just me, but before I cast my vote for a candidate, I'd just like to know how many citizens they've offed.
Jack: Why don't you ask that question of Bush and his unjust war?
Me: Wow. You are comparing what you did to the war against terrorism? AND you're quoting Andy Heller? You really are wacked, aren't you?
Jack: Viva La France!
Me: Uh hem... Right. OK, Let's talk platform. Where do you come down on the death tax?
Jack: Now who's trying to be the comedian? As a matter of fact, I am against it. I don't think the government should profit from other people's death and misery. That's my job.
Me: You are said to be an advocate of the Ninth Amendment to the U.S. Bill of Rights, and are quoted as stating, “You can’t take my innate rights away from me without a fight.” Would your "innate rights" include sir, assisted suicide- the precise crime that you were convicted, incarcerated, and made to be somebody's "Nancy" for?
Jack: It would. Hey!
Me: Let me rephrase. Would it be my innate right to take a steaming dump on the hood of your car?
Me: Oops. I wish you would have stated your position on the 9th more clearly. Moving on. You fancy yourself to be an inventor of sorts. You wanted to talk about your latest creation.
Jack: Yes. Thank you. I have been concerned ever since the 2000 elections about the imperfect touch-screen voting machines and the propensity for disenfranchising the electorate. Everybody has a right for their voice to be heard! Unless of course, they don't want their voice to be heard, and then I suppose I could see to that as well.
Me: Is this going somewhere?
Jack: Sorry. I do tend to ramble on, don't I? It goes back to those years spent in the basement morgues chock full of all those good listeners. Would you like me to teach you the lesson of being a good listener?
Me: Uhhhhhhh. Please go on.
Jack: As I was saying. Imagine a world without the hanging chad.
Me: I didn't know chad. One of your previous 130 (or so) "clients"?
Jack: I have created the perfect polling booth. With a few modifications installed in the back of each booth, you have the first ever error-proof voting machine! In fact, I have offered to install these free of charge all over the 9th Congressional district.
Me: Cool! How does it work?
Jack: It's proprietary information. Let's just say there are computer chips and vote recognition software and just leave it at that. Would you like to try the demo machine?
Me: Errr. Sure. Hey, what are these wires that are connected to the button for your opponent? Why do they lead to this car battery and what are these test tubes of colorful liquids, this series of pulleys and a hydraulic powered syringe doing here?
Jack: It's all very technical, but it is to ensure accuracy. In fact, Hillary had planned on using this baby in the do-over primary against Obama, but it doesn't look like she will get the chance to give this baby a test spin now. Go ahead. You can be the first. Make your selection. Vote for me, or vote for that other guy.
Me: I'm sorry Mr. Death. You scare me. I'm afraid I need to vote for this other guy... *press* Ow! What was that!?
Jack: That is the sweet sound of democracy in play.
Me: I feel sleepy. Hey! Where'd the tunnel come from? I see a light. You in there Mr. Death?
Jack: Please. Just call me "doctor". Or better yet. Call me "Congressman".
Evidence that the baby is a hemp-smokin' hippie protestor... 1) Is sitting in his own feces. 2) Is irrational and otherwise incoher...
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