Monday, December 20, 2010

DaBlade's WeakyLeaks Part II - for you home Improvement do-it-yourselfers

Whether you are a young man who is new to home improvement and having just purchased a starter home fixer-upper moneypit, or you are hypothetically a middle-aged man who's home improvement skills have atrophied over the last 10 years due to living in your dream new build that required no maintenance - but you have since lost that house after losing your job of 30+ years as a result of the implosion of the newspaper industry (again, as a hypothetical example) and you downsize to an older home that requires a little TLC, you have come to the right place.

When last we met to discuss home improvement projects,
I went over the installation of 4" aluminum ductwork (as well as the accompanying emergency first aid), and kitchen and bathroom caulking projects (as well as the unexpected caulking of your upper and lower torso).

The first topic on today's agenda is prioritizing your project list. For you married fellas, it is highly recommended that you first consult with your loving spouse as to what she would like accomplished first. In my case, my wife made clear she wanted the clothes dryer vented (check), the above range microwave and dishwasher installed, a garbage disposal hookup as well as the entire house painted - with a working timeline of all projects to be completed by the end of the first day we moved in a few weeks ago.

I am slightly behind schedule, but I can explain. Working with my wife's list, I immediately understood that I would need a working garage door opener for proper egress and ingress of materials for her more important projects. To accomplish this task, it is imperative that you follow my...

Step-by-step guideline for proper garage door opener installation.

Step 1: Complain to your father-in-law that "the f*(&ing garage door doesn't work.

Step 2: Have your father-in-law line up one of his bowling league buddies who just happens to be a retired professional garage door installer of 50 years and offers to do this job for free.

Step 3: Light a cigar and watch over this gentleman's shoulder as he expertly installs your gagrage door opener while he swaps grandchildren stories with your father-in-law.

NOTE: It is always imperative that you have the correct tools for any job. If you do not happen to have a father-in-law who bowls with a retired professional garage door installer, then I don't know what to tell you.

Next up, the garbage disposal installation. There are many makes and models of units, with varying guideliens. This being the case, I would simply refer you to the directions.

NOTE: If your directions come in English on the front few pages, and what I think is Spanish on the last few pages, FOLLOW THE SPANISH INSTRUCTIONS, especially if you have never studied it and can only count to "tres" because of Sesame Street. Why do I say this? Because men typically will not read the instructions anyways, but may feel over-confident when browsing the English section. My theory is that you are less apt to have as many leftover pieces when following the foreign language instructions because you will probably look at the diagrams that much more intently.

Oh well, what use could this rubber thingy possibly have?



Next comes the installation of the dishwasher.

Step 1: If you're on a tight budget because you're not yet quite 50 years old and are jobless and living off of what was supposed to be your retirement, simply pull that father-in-law out of your tool belt and have him find a $25 used dishwasher in the "Big Buck ads".
* a father-in-law tool is handier than a good set of adjustable rubber-grip channellocks.

Step 2: Quickly determine that the 15amp romex power cable that is split three ways before it makes it's way to the dishwasher cabinet is probably not sufficient, unless your goal is to continuosly throw the breaker and/or eventually burn down the house.

Step 3: Seek out a professional looking fellow wearing an apron and wandering around in the Electrical Department at your local Home Depot. Impress him with your knowledge by explaining the situation to him in technical terms, detailing that you are sure you need to drop a dedicated "16 amp or 16 and-a-half amp wire thingy from the fuse box, whatever it takes".

Once again, it is imperative that you follow my...

Step-by-step guideline for installing a new breaker and a 20 amp 12/2 cable.

Step 4A: Quickly determine that years of pushing a pencil is not proper training for even removing the console bolts from the breaker box, let alone installing a new breaker and romex cable, and that professional help is needed once again.

Step 4B: Complain to your older brother who is an attorney that you have to get into the breaker box, and you are sure you will f*(&ing electrocute yourself.

Step 4C: Have your brother send over a professional electrician who owes your brother money for legal work to drop said line.

NOTE: If you do not happen to have a brother who is an attorney and has an electrician who owes him money, then I don't know what to tell you. Again, the proper tool thingy people!

Step 5: Have the father-in-law complete the water and electric hookup and you are good to go.

There. Today's tutorial gave you very explicit instructions on the installation of dishwashers, garbage disposals and garage doors. Now go take on those projects with confidence!

2 comments:

Chuck said...

Out of all of it, this is probably the best advice

NOTE: If your directions come in English on the front few pages, and what I think is Spanish on the last few pages, FOLLOW THE SPANISH INSTRUCTIONS, especially if you have never studied it and can only count to "tres" because of Sesame Street. Why do I say this? Because men typically will not read the instructions anyways, but may feel over-confident when browsing the English section. My theory is that you are less apt to have as many leftover pieces when following the foreign language instructions because you will probably look at the diagrams that much more intently.

I had never thought of that.

The rest of it I do myself and it almost always works when I'm done.

dr hirkimer said...

I have done the garbage disposal thingy three times before, and two times I forgot to punch out the plug for the dishwashing machine. This is because I read the directions in English. Thanks for the great tip!