Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Obama tightens strap on bicycle helmet for game of diplomatic chicken with Putin

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For those obama voters who get their 'news' from Twitter, Facebook memes from their hippy friends and/or watching the Bachelor, let me catch you up to speed.

A true Recap of events:

1. Russia invades Crimea

2. President Obama responds with "stiff" penalties on 7 Russian officials and 4 Ukrainian officials, barring them from holding assets or traveling to the United States.

3. "Nothing personal and please don't take this as a threat in any way," pleads Secretary of State John Kerry to Russian strongman Vladimir Putin.


Not to be outdone my "the prankster" (Russia's pet name for our Commander-in-Chief), Putin releases a retaliation list by preemptively denying travel visas to top Obama administration officials, including Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin.

The following sequences have not happened yet (as far as I know) but are my predictions to date:

1. OBAMA: "Now this sh%# gettin' real. I just assumed Durbin was already barred from every continent." 

2. Obama responds by freezing Putin's hair stylist's bank assets estimated to hold approximately 322 Rubles (or roughly $8.70), a targeted sanction on bristle brushes for Putin's pony groomer and a lifetime ban from selfies with the president on foreign soil.

 No word yet on Putin's response, though if he threatens any of Obama's favorite golf courses or "choom" supply, things could escalate out of control quickly from there.

3. In other news, Prankster's Local 822 has filed a defamation and slander case against the Russian official who used their label in vain.

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