Monday, June 6, 2016

The Trial of Bud, the dirty-mouthed Parrot

Did parrot repeat dead man's final words?
A Michigan man’s wife is now a suspect in his May 2015 murder, newly obtained police reports show, and a winged witness may have heard the dead man’s final plea.

An African grey parrot might’ve overheard Martin Durham as he pleaded with his shooter before the killer pumped five bullets into Durham’s body. The bird, Bud, was heard saying “Don’t f------ shoot” in a video taken shortly after Durham’s death, WOOD reported.

“That bird picks up everything and anything, and it’s got the filthiest mouth around,” Duram’s mom, Lillian Duram, told WOOD.

Next, on Court TV, The People versus Bud, the African grey parrot. 
My name is DaBlade, I am an attorney at blog and representing my client, Bud the parrot. I am doing this pro bono, unless you count my retainer fee of a box of Ritz Crackers. I am giving him a cross examination after the prosecution just tore him a new tail feather.

BUD: I believe you mean to say that you will be "redirecting"... not a cross examination. I am your fu&*ing client you dumbass! RAAAWK!

ME: Fine! Redirecting. And your honor, I'd like the court to consider my filthy-mouthed African grey parrot a hostile witness!

BUD: Why does everybody call me that sh*t? What's race got to do wit it bro!? And that's racist... RAAAWK!

ME: OK, fine. I'll call you "Bud". You told the prosecution you were, and I quote, a "pretty bird." WERE YOU LYING THEN, OR ARE YOU LYING NOW! ANSWER THE QUESTION! I WANT THE TRUTH!

BUD: Really!? You want me to go there, dipsh*t?

ME: Let's cut to the chase. Where were you on the night in question when Mr. Durham was murdered?

BUD: I was in my cage drinking, like I am every night. If you don't believe me, ask that other parrot in the small glass mirror in my cage... crazy fu*&er watched me all night!

ME: Watch the language, Bud. Then what happened?

BUD: Glenna sat down on the couch next to Martin as he was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' he said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... RAWK!

GLENNA: I OBJECT!

JUDGE: On what grounds?

GLENNA: That dirty bird is lying through his beak! I was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and I said to Martin, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment." And then Bud the parrot says, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

ME: And that's when you started choking my client, Bud? And Martin intervened on Bud's behalf before you shot him?

GLENNA: YES I DID IT, OK!? are you happy? I was trying to choke the bird. Martin bought me Bud for an anniversary gift, can you believe that?

ME: What did you want for a gift?

GLENNA: I hinted about wanting something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds. He bought me a scale.

THE END

2 comments:

Ed Bonderenka said...

Bud got his money's worth with this lawyer.

DaBlade said...

LMTFO!! (tail feathers)
Bud has been bugging me to let him be a guest blogger. maybe later this week if i can score more of those Ritz..