Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Newspaper to become Donut Shop in Jersey

Newspaper office being sold, set to become donut factory

The Trentonian newspaper headquarters on Perry Street in Trenton, NJ will become a huge Dunkin’ Donuts. Another 'brick and mortar' newspaper building gets re-purposed, this time not as a medical school or vegetable stand (eww), but a DONUT OUTLET!

If buildings have feelings, I choose to believe the Trentonian is weeping with joy for its fortuitous future. After years and years of churning out products made of newsprint and ink (and inserted with sales ads) to feed the mind, it will soon be churning out products made with
Enriched Unbleached Wheat Flour (Wheat Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Iron as Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamin Mononitrate, Enzyme, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Palm Oil, Water, Dextrose, Soybean Oil, Whey (a milk derivative), Skim Milk, Yeast, Contains less than 2% of the following: Salt, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda), Defatted Soy Flour, Wheat Starch, Mono and Diglycerides, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Cellulose Gum, Soy Lecithin, Guar Gum, Xanthan Gum, Artificial Flavor, Sodium Caseinate (a milk derivative), Enzyme, Colored with (Turmeric and Annatto Extracts, Beta Carotene), Eggs; Glaze: Sugar, Water, Maltodextrin, Contains 2% or less of: Mono and Diglycerides, Agar, Cellulose Gum, Citric Acid, Potassium Sorbate (Preservative), Artificial Flavor.
and inserted with custard, crème or jelly filling to feed the soul.

I haven't had home delivery in almost 7 years, but donuts! So I decided to give The Trentonian a call.

***RING*** ***RING***
 
CSR: Trentonian Circulation Department, how may I help you?

ME: Yes, I would like to start a home delivery subscription. Do you deliver in Michigan?

CSR: Yes sir, we can start a mail subscription for you today.

ME: Mail?... errr... won't they get stale? 

CSR: Some say our product is stale the minute it rolls down the production line. Therefore, may I suggest you try our e-edition?

ME: What, you just email me a photo of a glazed or nutty every day?

CSR: Oh, so you know our editor, Mr Glazed and our publisher, Mr Nutty?

ME: Sorry babe, ya lost me. Just start me up on a Sunday Only subscription... You know, a real porch thumper. How about a dozen Bear Claws every Sunday?

THE END

Disclaimer: eating a dozen donuts 7-days per week will cause circulation issues.

4 comments:

DrHirkimer said...

I still like to read a newspaper in my hands. It's much easier to read when you're on the pot. It can be re-purposed as a fly swatter, fire starter, paint-mask or any number of things. I also miss those old catalogs from the major department stores. I wish that we could just stop this technological train sometimes.

Ed Bonderenka said...

I have many friends who believe that the exzema on my fingertips is attributable to newsprint/ink allergies.

DaBlade said...

Dr h, I'm 100% with you on stopping and reversing the tech train. Don't forget to flush.

Ed, do you still read actual newspapers?

Ed Bonderenka said...

No. But I did, religiously.