Sunday, April 1, 2018

Happy Easter! He is Risen!!

Easter Jaws

Mrs. Kintner: Chief Brody?

Brody: Yes?

*Mrs. Kintner slaps Brody and sobs*

Mrs. Kintner: I just found out, that a girl got her Easter eggs kidnapped last year, and you knew it! You knew there was a bunny out there! You knew it was mischievous! But you let kids color Easter eggs anyway? You knew all those things! But still my boy's eggs are hidden. And there's nothing you can do about it. My boy's eggs are hidden and he can't find them all. I wanted you to know that.

[Mrs. Kintner walks away]

Mayor Vaughn: I'm sorry, Martin. She's wrong.

Brody: No, she's not.

Hooper: They caught a bunny. Not THE bunny.  This is a carrot-eater.

Mayor Vaughn:  I am not gonna stand here and see that thing cut open and see what's left of that little Kintner boy's Cadbury eggs spill out all over the dock!

The saga continued:

Quint: Anti-bunny basket. You put fake grass inside the wicker basket?

[Hooper nods]

Quint: Basket goes in the living room, colored eggs in the 'fridge and you go bed. Bunny's in the living room? Our bunny?

[Hooper nods]

Quint: [sings] Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.

T'was the night before Easter, and all thru Quint's Houseboat...


Didn’t see the first bunny until I was five – a tiger – thirteen footer. You know how you know that when the bunny is in your house, Chief? You lay in bed and look toward your darkened closet and see the shadow of floppy ears and the cotton tail. What my brothers and I didn’t know was our Easter mission to stay awake had been so secret, no distress signal to mom or dad had been sent. They didn’t even list us overdue 'til mornin'. Very first light, Chief, bunny come cruisin’. So we formed ourselves into tight groups…the idea was, the bunny comes to the nearest boy and he starts poundin’ and hollerin’ and screamin’. Sometimes the bunny go away. Sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometimes that bunny, he looks right into ya, right into your eyes. Y’know, the thing about a bunny, he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes after ya, he doesn’t seem to be livin’ until he takes your colored eggs, and those black eyes roll over white, and then – aww, then you hear that terrible high-pitch screamin’, the bedsheet turns wet and yellow, and in spite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, he come in hippity hoppity and rip ya carrot snacks to pieces…in that first dawn, we lost a dozen eggs. I don’t know how many carrots, maybe a thousand. I don’t know how many eggs. he averaged six an hour… 8am Easter morning, mom called us. She put the coffee on and called us…and when we didn't answer, we heard her coming down the hallway from the kitchen to pick us up. You know, that was the time I was most frightened – waitin’ for my turn. I’ll never wear bunny pajamas again. So, four boys went to bed, four men come out, and the bunny took the boys, Sunday, April the 10th, 1966. Anyway, he delivered the chocolate and hid the eggs.


That's some bad hat, Harry.

6 comments:

LL said...

Happy Easter!

Ed Bonderenka said...

Are you SURE your taking your meds?
Man, that is hilarious.
Of course, we must sing, Kill the Wabitt, Kill the Wabitt!

Kid said...

OMG.... Hilarious !

So,for $10,000, do I get the ears, the cotton tail, the whole damn thing?

DaBlade said...

Thnanks LL, you too brother!

Ed, You wouldn't like me when I'm off my meds. And your Elmer Quint is spot on!

Kid, Thank you sir. Jaws is on my top 10 list so it seemed like a good cross over to amuse myself. And in the immortal words of George Thorogood, now you funny too!

Kid said...

And out the door I went...

DaBlade said...

One bourbon, one scotch and one IPA!!! and another...