Hillary "Evolves"

Is Obama The Devil? And Did Jesus Lose His EBT?

Obama As The Devil? The History Channel’s The Bible’s Stunning Look-alike
I thought the very same thing at the start of this scene when satan was still in the form of a snake!

 

The Devil and his Teleprompter

Matthew 4:1-2
1 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit out into the desert to be put to the test by the devil. 2 He fasted for forty days and forty nights, after which he was hungry, 3 and the tester came and said to him, 'If you are Son of God, tell these stones to turn into loaves.'4 But he replied, 'Scripture says: Human beings live not on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'

First, I would like to make clear that Jesus did not fast for forty days in the wilderness because He forgot to bring along His food "taster".  The scripture verse says "tester" not "taster".

Tester, as in the devil. Satan. El Diablobama.

Why wasn't Jesus eating? Did He lose his food coupons or his EBT card?

In Satan's Charm Offensive, he tries to tempt Jesus. However, El Diablobama's charm offensive yields no breakthrough as Jesus makes it clear there is no "common ground" between them.

BTW, not to ruin it for any "progressives" who might tune in and try to catch up, Jesus didn't fall for satan's lies about all the free stuff he would give him.

REDISTRIBUTION

Obama Charm Offensive 2.0

In the original charm offensive, Obama orchestrated a quiet and romantic little candlelit dinner with Republican Senators Lindsey Graham and John McCain at a cost to the taxpayers of about 3 weeks of White House tours. The purpose of this dinner was not for negotiation or any kind of compromise - rather, it was a purely political calculation from Obama that the dinner would provide the right optics to his sheeple in the media and the dumbed-down obamabot voter.

Unfortunately for them, their thunder was stolen. For while McCain was on Obama's lap (like that biker broad in the diner booth with Biden during the campaign) - and Lindsey Graham (in his leather coat, chains and front bangs combed the way BarryO likes them) was playing footsy with both - Rand Paul was making his splash with his filibuster across town.

Now comes charm offensive 2.0?
A freshman? Wow, you’re really classing up the place... I can tell you’re a freshman because you didn’t pay much attention to the State of the Union. (Obarry to Michigan Democratic Rep. Dan Kildee)

"My goal is not to be presidential just for the sake of it," Obama told this Chattering Teeth reporter.

An aloof and arrogant Obama berates, chides, insults and otherwise embarrasses a Democrat politician from my home state of Michigan. Finally, something worthwhile from Obambi. If "not paying attention" to this tool and his empty rhetoric identifies one as a freshman, then mister president, we are all freshman now.

Higgs Boson from Buenos Aires?

Scientists confident they have discovered the 'God particle'

Analysis of extensive testing conducted last year conclude that in fact it WAS WHITE SMOKE emanating from the accelerator, not black smoke as originally thought.

Sistine Chapel 16 Candles

You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head, a lyric or verse on continuous loop ad finitum? Yah, it's like that. Sistine Chapel 16 Candles Sistine Chapel

Could be worse and should be thankful the Sistine Chapel doesn't rhyme with that Titanic song... what was it? My Heart Will Go On. Then again, Céline Dion... 

Céline Sistine Céline Sistine Céline Sistine
AHHHHH!!!!!!

The first Papal conclave with bi-focal google glasses

The playing cards were collected from the center of the table. Another red flush! The winner smiled as he took a puff from the cigar clenched between his teeth. He reached in and dragged the pot full of coins, bills and colorful multi-faceted rings.

"Your deal Dolan!" he said in Latin, as the deck was passed.

Outside, black (cigar) smoke continued to billow from the Vatican chimney, signaling the cardinals had yet to elect a new Pope. Throngs poured into Saint Peter's Square, gazing anxiously up at the empty Basilica balcony then back to the chimney in hopes of seeing the mysterious white smoke (known as "the burning of the bicycles" as the playing cards are thrown into the furnace) and the ringing of bells St. Peter's Basilica soon to follow.

The conclave is a highly secretive process. It's mostly speculation as to what happens after the papal master of ceremonies yells, "Extra Omnus`," which literally means "everybody out!”

Therefore, who's to say my dream of the cardinals having a 24-48 hour "winner take all" cigar and Hold 'em fest is wrong?

Obamacare doctor tells ancient egyptian mummy to "take a pill"

CT scans of 137 mummies showed evidence of atherosclerosis

137 mummies that have been dead for thousands of years have just received very expensive CT scans by obamacare panel. This is approximately the same waiting period for this procedure under obamacare, and they have been prescribed Lipitor.

 

In other news, Queen Bethsheba has been prescribed Activia.

Barry Soetoro in economics class

In case you don't follow...

Consider this your Closed WH tour detour

Abdulrahman (which in arabic translates to "Every jihadist loves Rahman") was a 16-year-old U.S. citizen born in Colorado who was killed in a drone strike while in Yemen. His crime? He was on obama's dance card kill list for "Dreams of his Father".
Senator Rand Paul spoke of this during his filibuster yesterday:

“Here’s the real problem: when the president’s spokesman was asked about Awlaki’s son, do you know what his response was?” Paul asked, referring to former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, who made the comment after leaving the White House. “He said he should have chosen a more responsible father.”

AG Eric Holder wrote a letter to Paul earlier this week acknowledging that the administration believes a drone strike on U.S. soil could be constitutional, but they don't "intend" to..

“To be bombed in your sleep? There’s nothing American about that . . . [Obama] says trust him  because he hasn’t done it yet. He says he doesn’t intend to do so, but he might. Mr. President, that’s not good enough... “I will not sit quietly and let him shred the Constitution,” Paul added.”No person will be deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process,” he said, quoting the Fifth Amendment.

After Paul's historic filibuster, the obama administration has conceded SOME ground to the issue.

Drone hits will only be ordered by obama under extreme threats to the homeland, such as a rightwing blogger actively engaging in this "so-called" free speech.

By the way, these Mega mosquitoes set to invade Central Florida this year are not really armed obama domestic drones, and this advance story isn't just propaganda cover to explain these curiosities to the obamabots there.

It's like a sowwwwna in here!

SANDRA FLUKE MISTAKEN FOR ANOTHER FLORIDA SINKHOLE

According to eyewitness accounts, a young man was walking along this Florida beach not watching where he was going, as he appeared to be texting on his phone. Suddenly, he appeared to trip and stumble, then he just disappeared.

OPERATOR: "911, what's your emergency?"
CALLER: "My friend vanished before my eyes! I think it's another one of them there sinkholes and it must be huge! It swallered him up whole!"

Within minutes, the beach was cordoned off with barricades and police crime scene tape. If not for the heroics of an unnamed sheriff's deputy who risked life and limb by tying a surfboard sideways on his back, then jumping in and pulling them both to safety, the story would have a different ending.

A vacationing Sandra Fluke awoke a short time later from her slumber. Leaning up on her beach towel, she looked around in confusion by the emptiness of the beach for that time of day. She rolled up her towel and grabbed her backpack full of condoms. It was Spring break and she was planning a very busy day.

THE END

And now boys and girls, it's time for today's lesson:
Florida's land mass sits on a thick layer of soft limestone that is susceptible to dissolving, creating dangerous sinkholes.

The overwhelming scientific consensus for the root cause of these sinkholes is now assumed to be due to man made global lack of publicly financed contraception.

Marriage is not like golf, but will Elin still give Tiger Woods a mulligan?

Hollywood Marriages and golf are nothing alike. One is a holy and divine covenant where there is love and commitment, trust and obedience to God's will. The other is a union between like-minded high profile celebrities, usually lasting the weekend.

Today's fake quote:
So Tiger, are you two back together?
TW: "Not so fast. This is just a trial reconciliation with my $110 million, errr.... I mean my Elin and the children."

In golf, a mulligan is a term used for when a player gets a "Do-Over" after an errant shot, allowing them to try again from the same spot of the wild swing without penalty.

RULES for cheating (Hey, even cheaters should have standards!)
Of course, mulligans are against the rules of professional play, but weekend hacks like myself have used it sparringly to our advantage. We would usually limit them to the very first tee, and ONLY after everyone had hit into the strange. If even just one player out of four crushed his drive and split the fairway, there would be no motivation for that player to agree to let the others hit again. Thankfully, the caliber of players with whom I golf has qualified me for a mulligan or two on more than a few occasions.

So a strict interpretation of my standards for the use of a mulligan above (as it relates to Tiger and Elin's situation) would mean that they both would have had to sleep with someone else on their wedding night (first tee). As far as I know, this may not have been the case and it was just Tiger dropping extra balls surreptitiously down his pant leg all over the course.

HANDICAPPING the players before the round
A player's handicap is intended to show a player's potential and to allow for all skill levels to compete on an equitable basis. eg: "I'll play you for $10 Bucks, but you've got to spot me 2 strokes."

Tiger (reportedly worth $600 million) and Elin are apparently in RELATIONSHIP HANDICAPPING negotiations before they decide to tee it up again. Tiger offered a $200 million no-cheating prenuptial agreement and Elin countered with a demand that he cough up $350 million.

Meanwhile, Tiger may be playing a few practice rounds with Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn.

Worst School Field Trip Ever?

I love the humor for this very serious topic during Colorectal Awareness Month, and Detroit Free Press staff writer Zlati Meyer does a fantastic job in this video (down below).

"we're here inside an inflatable colon. What is the number two most important thing to remember about colorectal health?"

What I don't get are the kids of elementary age, on what appears to be a really crappy school field trip to this large inflatable colon. These kids are about 40 years away from their first colonoscopy, so they aren't really the best target audience in my opinion. (Then again, how many cool places can you still take kids in Detroit?)

When I was this age, our school field trips involved a day at the Mott Farm petting zoo, or maybe an educational romp through Henry Ford Museum & Greenfield Village.

TEACHER: "Don't forget children, your permission slips are due tomorrow, and remember to check your field trip preference for this year: Do you want to ride a bus to see Thomas the Train, or a large poop chute full of gas?"



I'm going to look into whether or not they rent this "tent" out. This would be the perfect Open House tent for our last graduating senior this year. And/or we could take this "turd motel" camping with us to Mackinaw this year.

Sequester begins - Lindsay Lohan Released as a way to save money

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano raised a few eyebrows this past week when she released thousands of previously detained criminal illegals.

But now all agree that the Obama administration has gone too far with the release of a perpetually intoxicated and disheveled Lindsay Lohan back into the wild.

"Like I told you yesterday," said Napolitano, in her patented husky voice, "We deal with a lot of bad actors and we will have fewer agents to do that with."
Just imagine, if all the bad actors in every Hollywood rehab facility are released to an unsuspecting public all at once...! 

Apparently, prosecutors tried to trick Lohan with a plea deal this week that would force her to do community service and two months of rehab as penance for her latest drunken car crash last summer.

OUTRAGEOUS! Talk about over reaching by the police. Community service? Queen Lindsay Lohan provides community service just by drawing breath (even when it's thru a breathalizer). TWO WHOLE MONTHS OF REHAB? And just WHAT would you like us fans to do during this period? What if she became sober and discovered she actually had no talent?

You might have better luck convincing obamabots that the continuous 4 year train wreck (and counting) has anything to do with Obama the Magnificent and his destructive policies. Given a preference, this country would be in better hands with a hammered up Lohan in the Oval Office.