BLADE: Today we welcome back to the Chattering Teeth blog, the Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. Thank you for doing this Mister Speaker.
RYAN: My pleashure.
BLADE: Let's get to it. What do you make of all this Stormy Daniels 'news'?
RYAN: Schtormy schtrumpet, you mean. The main schtream media makes her out to be some schtrong woman, but she is jusht a schtreet walker... no relation to Schcott walker, our illushtrioush governor in Wishconshin. I call her, Schtormy Whore, no relation to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
BLADE: None taken. Schpeaking... errr, I mean speaking of 'walkers', what do you make of these Wisconsin students and their 'HEAR US ROAR, 50 MILES MORE' walk in your hometown and demanding gun control?
RYAN: I want to lishen to these Shorewood schtudents. I schpoke about Schtricter gun legishlashun lasht month. I'm no schtraw man for the NRA. If the reshent Omnibus schpending bill proved anything, it should have deshtroyed the noshun that I am some conshervative.
BLADE: I washn't... I mean, I wasn't going to ask about that Omnibus abortion of a bill - which coincidentally still funds abortion and Planned Parenthood. You are a disgrace, sir. And a liar.
RYAN: Schticks and shtones... but don't be frushtrated with this adminishshtration. It's shtressfull in Washington. Washington. Hey, I didn't deshtroy that word with a lishp! Washington, Washington, Washington. "The schtrange schtriped oshtrich went to Washington." "The rain in Schpain..."
BLADE: Nicely done Mishter Schpeaker. But you might have an easier time with this phrase: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog". Just think of "lazy dog" as the nonexistant border wall, thanks to you.
Mishter Schpeaker, I believe you have guaranteed a democrat rout in the upcoming midterms, followed closely by a democrat led impeachment of Trump. There are more and more of us every day that are beginning to realize there is no difference between the two parties and that a good chunk of us are no longer represented in Washington.
RYAN: Well, like I told my donors. Misshun Accomplished.