Wednesday, December 7, 2016

ASK DaBlade Fake News Advice Column

Dear DaBlade,
Help! My name is Ed Welch, and I don't know what to believe. I'm the guy from North Carolina who took a shotgun into that Comet Pizzeria in D.C. after I read on the internets that Hillary Clinton was running a pedophilia ring out of the restaurant. Well "NOT ON MY WATCH, MADAAM!" thought I. This is still 'Merica, AmIright?

 I was arrested and am emailing this from my jail cell. I am now being told the story about Hillary and the secret restaurant sex ring were fake. I'm beginning to think that just maybe they're right. If I can't trust the white-supremacist Twitter accounts I follow, who CAN I trust?

 DaBlade, plez help me to know who to trust! Is this real life?
 Signed,
Extra Pepperoni

 Dear Extra Pepperoni,
 You have come to the right place. Delete all of your social media accounts including your twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat accounts, Alex Jones Infowars and other conspiracy websites (including Drudge) and make Chattering Teeth Blog your sole news source!

 I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I am aware I have been accused of making stuff up in the past. The veracity of my content disseminated, questioned and scrutinized. As if my every utterance is suspect unless independently corroborated by trusted sources... to which I say, "Hey, you married me woman!!"

Just trust me. I promise truthiness.

To answer your question directly - NO, Hillary does not run a pedophile ring. Are you sumkinda nut? THERE IS NO COMET PIZZA ring. It's FAKE! Got it? Now sit back and let me tell ya some news you can trust...
Signed, DaBlade 

BREAKING! FROZEN PIZZA COMET HURLING TOWARDS EARTH!

You say "Comet Pizza" I say "Pizza Comet".

Remembering Comet Icon

What is its real name? Strictly speaking this comet should be referred to as Comet Soetoro/2008, but it was renamed for convenience sake after being discovered by a couple of commies.

Why all the excitement? Its a dynamically new, never before seen comet. Just gazing upon its majesty is believed to make one a better person.

Where is it from?: Nobody is really sure. Some think it is from the Oort Cloud, the little-known shell of literally trillions of comet nuclei lying tens of thousands of AU (1 AU =150 million km) from the Sun. Others believe its from Kenya.

What is it? Despite its bright exterior and candy-coated shell, Comet ICON's nucleus is now understood to be comprised of a sooty lump of frozen promises and broken dreams, with veins of icy bullshit.

Why is it breaking up now? Comet ICON has survived just fine in the cold, dark vacuum of space where no competing ideas were allowed to penetrate. However, as it approaches the disinfecting heat of the sun and bombards it with rays of truth and light, it breaks away its facade of lies.




2 comments:

Ed Bonderenka said...

That explains so much.

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