Unfortunately, Obama had assigned the electrical wiring for the National Christmas Tree this year to Joe "Plugs" Biden.

We now enter the Chattering Teeth Blog Time Machine and fast forward to 5PM today, Friday, December 6, 2013, and the lighting of the National Christmas Tree


Cue wavy line thingys to indicate worm hole time travel. We arrive to the ellipse shortly after the National Tree lights were engaged and the crowd performed the obligatory, albeit muffled, mitten clap of applause.

President Obama clutches the sides of the podium, nose and chin thrusting arrogantly upwards as he surveys his flock bundled in swaddling peacoats and Burberry scarves - gathered to see the Tree lighting in his honor and to hear the mellifluous magnificence of his stacatto voice.

The night was very cold due to anthropogenic climate change. Steamy puffs of vapor emanated from the mouths of the media, as they added pollutants to the prestine environment with their every breath while waiting in anxious anticipation for the president to begin - and giving their pathetic lives some meaning for at least this short while in his presence.

The president took a deep breath, looked sideways in a nonchalant attempt to read from his Teleprompter, and began.

OBAMA: My fellow Americans. We once again meet, as we have met with the presidents throughout our racist history, to light the National Holiday Tree. Each year we’ve come together to celebrate a story... thaaaat has endured for two millennia...

*suddenly, the Teleprompter went dark from a loss of power. The tree and everything else still had power, so nobody was the wiser that the president had no... word thingys. The president began to panic, looking from face to face in the crowd.

Unfortunately, Obama had assigned the electrical wiring this year to Joe "Plugs" Biden.

A few female reporters fainted after receiving the gift of the president's gaze, giving Obama cover for this otherwise unexplained pause... "I'm gonna have to wing it," he thought to himself, as the unconscious reporters were dragged away

OBAMA: As I was saying... uhhhh... Each year we’ve come together to celebrate a story... thaaaat has endured for two election cycles. aaaand we have a lot to celebrate this year, what with all the free healthcare and whatnot. Thaaaat said, we should remember those who have given the ultimate sacrifice. Like this tree here. aaaand... Nelson Mandela!

Uhhhh...Let me be clear. Nelson Mandela was a great man who died tragically in a fiery crash before his time, and the Fast & Furious franchise will certainly miss him.

*A marine who was holding the presidential umbrella over Obama's head to protect him from the potential harmful effects of the rays from starlight, leaned over and whispered into Obama's ear: "Nelson Mandela led the fight in South Africa to end Apartheid. And he was 95, and died after a long life well lived."

Obama: What was a 95-year-old man doing driving a Porsche at 200 MPH on city streets? I wondered why Holder never told me that Mandela was involved with my illegal gun running across the border...

And so, this holiday season, let us reaffirm our commitment to each other, as family members, as neighbors, as Americans, regardless of our color or creed or faith.  Let us remember that we are one, and we are a family.... 

Except for those Republicans in congress who should be embarrassed by their record of not comporting to my will.

Who do they think they are by defying me? Can't we all just get along and be bipartisan by agreeing with my redistribution plans, believing my lies, obeying my laws and granting amnesty to the undocumented immigrants and future democrat voters?

aaand so in conclusion, If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be revenge against all my Tea Party enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! And of course, I wish for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of peace and harmony.

Peace out.

TACO BELL BRINGS THE HEAT! (Hazmat Suit not included)

IN THE NEWS: Some stolen truck carrying a "delicate cargo" of a radioactive element was found in Mexico. Experts aren't sure of the thief's motives and are in the process of counting some pellet thingys. I'm sure there is nothing to worry about.

and now a word from our sponsor...

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We started with our famously hot Volcano Taco with signature red shell and filled with seasoned imitation ground beef, crisp, shredded salmonella-laced lettuce and diarreah-inducing Lava Sauce...

THEN WE RIDDLED THAT BAD BOY WITH RADIOACTIVE COBALT 60 PELLETS!

Why not try our New Nuclear Waste Border Sauce for less heat.

RUN TO THE BORDER... UHH, then maybe the nearest clinic.

Disclaimer: May cause slight discoloration of lips and tongue and mind numbing pain until offending body parts are removed with box cutter knife found in your glove compartment. Excessive bleeding from all orifices should be expected. Fourth meal regret strikes without warning shortly after consumption.

The Lowlife, a Novel which dares to tell the true story of the rise and fall of Obama

The book in Obama's environment-destroying plastic bag is titled, The Lowland, by Jhumpa Lahiri.
Amazon Book Description:
...set in both India and America... a tale of two brothers bound by tragedy, a fiercely brilliant woman haunted by her past, a country torn by revolution, and a love that lasts long past death.

Born just fifteen months apart, Subhash and Udayan Mitra are inseparable brothers, one often mistaken for the other in the Calcutta neighborhood where they grow up.  But they are also opposites, with gravely different futures ahead.

blah blah blah. Basically, it sounds like one brother goes off to study and teach in America, while the other stays and joins the Mao-inspired Naxalite movement, which demands justice for the poor (whoa. sounds well intentioned, don't it?).

Photo op book store link here
I don't know if this book is being purchased for personally consumption or is meant as a crappy Ramadan gift, or is for his daughter Maluable (Malishes? Malice?) and a school book report. It does have the communist theme throughout, so you know its required reading.

I'm working on my own novel I call "The Lowlife".

Its about two brothers growing up in Kenya. One stays home to live in a cardboard shack while the other goes to America to become a community organizer, college professor and enters Mao-inspired politics creating a country torn by revolution. I'll let you know how it ends later.

Super Survival Mario Brothers 2

Today's blog scrawled in honor of the greatest video game I've ever played.

If you're like me, you have been preparing for the looming economic meltdown by converting all your assets into Bitcoins and storing them on the memory chip of your vintage Super NES game system. Hey, they're bound to be the currency of the post-apocalyptic (post-obama) future, and I'm gonna be loaded up with those bad boys. While I still haven't figured out how to get them back out of the game console yet when there is no power, I figure I still have a little time before I'm starving and have to barter them for a live chicken.

By the way, don't be fooled by stocking up on worthless counterfeit Bitcoins purchased or exchanged on the internets, or that worthless U.S. Dollar currency for that matter. Legitimate Bitcoins can only be found throughout the Super Mario Brothers 2 game.

You're welcome.

Oops. I let my survival secret out of the bag. The truth is, everything you need to know for survival in a world gone mad can be learned from Super Mario Bros. 2 - the original Nintendo 1988 version, not the handheld remakes. Those things have tracking chips in them guys.

If you send me $19.99 (in Bitcoins of course), I will divulge my entire Super Survival Mario Brothers 2 secrets kept hidden in my large vase genie pot in the corner. These tips and tricks took years (and countless consumption of bad mushrooms) to develop that can all be yours for only $19.99!

These are tried and true strategies that will absolutely give you the best chance at getting to the next level when this $multi-$Trillion dollar ponzi scheme, smoke-and-mirror economy necessarily collapses. Strategies that you may forget under stress when you see obama's civilian goomba army marching down your street after declaring Michelle Law (Martial Law sounded so harsh after all).

Tips like, *When in doubt, don't forget to side scroll!

If you act now, I'll give you my best combat strategy tips that will have your potential adversary scrolling away frightened and confused.  While your instincts may tempt you to jump on an enemy combatant's head to subdue them, you'll know better! You'll be throwing vegetables at them instead!

Seriously, this works! I tried this the other night in a dry test run. I ate one of my mushrooms, put on my pink Princess dress (size double buddha) and side scrolled downtown throwing carrots, onions and turnips at the vagrants. Necessary combat training for me, and an early Christmas feast for the homeless.

Of course, I woke up with 3 days beard stubble and wearing a soiled Princess dress, curled up inside the darkened hallway linen closet after having mistaken it for the door to that alternate sub-space world. I wish I had a Bitcoin for every time THAT happened.

The first 50 people who send me $19.99 will receive a racoon tail taken from a racoon I personally taught to fly from the top of the 3 story apartment building on Main Street downtown. It took a few tries, but once the tail came off, it floated gently to the red stained pavement below.

Seriously, don't be a procrasti-prepper. If you don't already have a network of large green sewer pipes buried on your property with a few key access points, you need this kit! Call today!

One lucky caller may even get my vintage Atari 5200 video game console. It's like new! When I say it's like new, I mean that half the controller buttons don't work properly, JUST LIKE YOU REMEMBER IT from out of the box. I may even throw in the games I still have. Let's see... Warlords. Joust. Space Invaders!

OK, those must be thrown into the "best game(s) I've ever played" category.

The First Thanksgiving and Black Friday - Shopping like it's 1621!

CHAPTER ONE - The First Thanksgiving

In 1621, prior to anthropogenic global warming, the month of November was cold in New England. Freakin' cold. Certainly too cold to plant crops! "I wished I'd thought of that before leaving in September on a 2-month tour," thought Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford, regretting once his decision to anchor the Mayflower off the shores of the new world in the dead of winter.

"...and honkey please, I'm freezing my butt off in these knickers!," Bradford complained.

The hull of the Mayflower was almost entirely empty when they arrived, the colonists having eaten all the frozen tv dinners, pop tarts and slower moving rats during the long journey across the Atlantic. 

Thankfully, Indians met the bumbling white folk at the shore, draping animal pelts and furs over their shoulders to warm them as they stepped off the gang plank with chattering teeth. A large fire was raging on the beach, and the pilgrims pulled up the nearest log or large rock to take a load off.

As the Indian squaws rushed around preparing dinner, the Mayflower manfolk relaxed and watched the male Indians run around tossing a ball back and forth, playing a game they called Lacrosse. "I hope the redskins cover the spread," joked Bradford to his fellow lounging partners.

When the food was prepared, they all sat around the table to enjoy the feast. The first Thanksgiving!

CHAPTER 2 - The First Black Friday

It didn't take long for the colonists to regret eating and gorging themselves so much on that First Thanksgiving feast. The Indians had left enough food to get the colonist through that first winter (The First Leftovers!), but when the colonists awoke from their naps, they immediately started in on the leftovers - eating turkey sandwiches and the rest of the pumpkin pie until their sizeable square brass britches buckles breached. When they were finally finished eating, they realized they had consumed the entire winter stores!

In near panic, that night they traveled to the outskirts of the closed and sleeping Indian encampment and pitched their tents outside the TeePees in order to keep their place in line. Many died of scurvy and malnutrition - Of the 102 original Mayflower passengers, only 44 survived while waiting in line (The First Black Friday!).

Early the next morning, the TeePee doors were opened, and the Indians once again saved the rest from a frosty and premature death with sales of corn and venison.

The End

Obama Turkey Touts Iran Nuke Deal

This might just be legit. Maybe now we can totally trust them!

Startling New Picture Shows Comet ICON May Be Breaking Up

CHATTERING TEETH - A blogger and self-described stargazer from Swartz Creek, Michigan, known simply as 'DaBlade', has captured what is believed to be unique photographic evidence that the once mighty Comet ICON is in the process of disintegrating. This comet was once hailed by Astronomers worldwide as potentially the greatest astronomical spectacle in our lifetime, but more and more agree that it is turning out to be a dim and disappointing smudge.

5 Things You Need to Know About Comet ICON

What is its real name? Strictly speaking this comet should be referred to as Comet Soetoro/2008, but it was renamed for convenience sake after being discovered by a couple of commies.

Why all the excitement? Its a dynamically new, never before seen comet. Just gazing upon its majesty is believed to make one a better person.

Where is it from?: Nobody is really sure. Some think it is from the Oort Cloud, the little-known shell of literally trillions of comet nuclei lying tens of thousands of AU (1 AU =150 million km) from the Sun. Others believe its from Kenya.

What is it? Despite its bright exterior and candy-coated shell, Comet ICON's nucleus is now understood to be comprised of a sooty lump of frozen promises and broken dreams, with veins of icy bullshit.

Why is it breaking up now? Comet ICON has survived just fine in the cold, dark vacuum of space where no competing ideas were allowed to penetrate. However, as it approaches the disinfecting heat of the sun and bombards it with rays of truth and light, it breaks away its facade of lies.

10 Things You Need to Know About Comet ISON

Uncle Sam the latest victim "Point-em-out, Knock-em-out"

I was walking home alone through the National Mall last evening in my black patent leather shoes, neatly pressed red and white striped trousers, navy-blue tailcoat with the lapels trimmed in red and white stripes, and feeling well at ease under my matching Ten-Gallon bucket hat banded in white stars. I was minding my own business and whistling the Spangled Banner, when I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

It gets dark early this time of year, and the Mall was devoid of any tourists - nary even a jogger or dog-walker could be seen under the glow of the LED-lit faux gaslights lining the sidewalk. I've made this trip countless times without any problems. You don't get a beard as long and white as mine by not being wary when necessary, or strong when called for.

It was then I spotted the headlights of an approaching vehicle on the otherwise abandoned street. I stopped at the corner to light my pipe and surreptitiously monitor the suspicious vehicle from under my prodigious brow, hoping to ascertain whether the occupant's intent was that for malice.

I remember noticeable relaxing as the first thing I noticed were miniature versions of Old Glory sprouting from the hood corners just above the vehicle's front headlights. I raised my hand in a friendly gesture, as the huge, black Cadillac limousine slowly cruised past. I couldn't determine if my greeting was reciprocated, as tinting made the windows of the vehicle completely opaque.

The vehicle was so long from bow to stern, it seemed to take an eternity for it to completely pass. I remember thinking, "this ride is an absolute BEAST!," as I pressed my white-gloved hands against my ears in response to the offending noise emanating from the trunk, a kind of incessant pounding and thumping that caused the trunk lid to vibrate and rattle. The noise dissipated completely, as the vehicle disappeared around yonder corner.

For the next few minutes I continued my evening stroll in solitude, leaving a trail of dissipating smoke rings and a pleasant waft of pipe tobacco.

"Strange," thought I, as I observed the limo rounding the corner, seemingly circling for another pass.  "Undoubtedly the occupant has had second thoughts regarding his prior un-neighborly behavior and will attempt to recompense by offering me transport to my destination," I naively considered.

The Beast slowly passed just as before, albeit silently and sans the preposterous thumping. Just when I thought the vehicle would egress as before, the brakes locked and the vehicle's momentum responded by rearing slightly forward before the Beast settled back on all four tires, radiating steam and gold rims continuing to spin.

The back passenger door opened, and a vaguely familiar silhouette emerged, wearing a long, black trench. I raised my hand in a sort of salute for the purpose of shielding my eyes from the glare of the headlights in order to get a better visual of the approaching gentleman on foot. It happened so fast.

"Do I know you good sir?," I asked the apparition, extending my hand in greeting. He must have suckered me, for my next awareness was that of my bloodied cheek pressed against the hard, cold pavement as I watched the vehicle pull away. While I didn't get a good look at the face of my perpetrator, I can most accurately describe the bumper sticker on the vehicle he left in poste-haste.

Coming soon - Chapter Two: BiBi takes a stroll.

Dreams on Airforce One (S1, Episode 2) Starring President Obama and special guest Kanye West

President Obama took a seat by the window of Air force One, as was his habit, so he could read about himself in natural light. The flight was going to be a short one and he was looking forward to that afternoon's day of golf. "I haven't had a vacation in over 10 days!," he pondered to himself. 

He scanned the headlines for articles that mentioned his greatness. It didn't used to be this hard. His handlers were careful to go over each newspaper beforehand with a wide-tipped Black Sharpie felt pen and black out any rare occurrence of negative press. It seemed each day's edition was marked up more than the last, but today's paper was ridiculous! His handlers told Barack that there must have been a press malfunction at the newspaper because, except for the Sports and Entertainment Sections, today's edition was almost entirely black ink.

As the plane reached cruising altitude, Barack turned to Entertainment and found some legible newsprint. His eye was immediately drawn to this headline:

Kanye West Debuts Sexy Music Video for 'Bound 2'

Excitedly, Barack inserted his custom-made and over-sized ear buds and selected Kanye's 'Bound 2' on his iPod for what must have been the hundreth time, he put the seat back in recline and hits 'PLAY"... the music begins, and as the piano entrance is at it's peak, Barack mumbles, "uh huh honey!," and begins to read the story.

President Obama shocks the world with his appearance in Kanye West's racy new video. Kanye West didn't have to look far for a replacement costar to ride shotgun nude with him in the music video for his new song "Bound 2" after he surprisingly dumped his ex-fiancé Kim Kardashian. His racy costar is none other than President Obama, who helps turn up the heat in the road-trip-themed clip.

 Just who is that riding dirty and topless on Kanye West's motorcycle?

Suddenly, Airforce One hit an air pocket momentarily jarring Obama awake in his airplane seat. He looked down at the newspaper lying open on his lap. He had fallen asleep while reading the article and listening to Kanye's mellifluous and delicious rhymes.

"It was all a dream," the president whispered through uncontrolled sobs.

Click here for the 'Pilot' Episode of Dreams on Airforce One 

Blockbuster Trade Leaves Prince Fielder Hungry For Nachos

I know I have been a little hard on Prince Fielder in the past with respect to his anemic and pathetic postseason flops, but now that he's gone in a blockbuster trade, I can honestly say...

* I'm gonna miss Prince Fielder's sportsmanship exhibited by his easy smile and contagious laugh freely given to the other team's first baseman, as Prince waddles to first base after hitting into yet another inning-ending double play during the playoffs.

* I'm going to miss his hustle exhibited by his belly-flop faceplant slides into (pick a base) coming up short a mere 2 or 3 feet.

* I'm going to miss his numerous exciting and successful steals as exhibited by another nacho swiped over the rail from an unsuspecting fan during a failed catch of a pop fly into the stands.

* I'm going to miss the celebratory and unique handshake greeting between Fielder and Miguel after yet another timely and awe-inspiring monster homer from Cabrera.

Fellow Tiger fans: What will you miss? 

Maybe after a few minor tweaks, he will be up and running by next playoffs?

Gettysburg Golf & Country Club

President Obama’s Historic Gettysburg Slight  
(An incomprehensible snub.)?

or simple Scheduling conflict?

The most important step to the perfect swing is in the address.

Cowboys & Indians & Army Men - The First Thanksgiving (and Fashion Show) Action Playset

If you're like me, you like to sometimes 'time travel' in your head back to your childhood by viewing old photographs. I was in one of those melancholy moods this morning, browsing through the digitized version of old photo albums on the computer when I stumbled upon this gem, circa 1968.-ish.

Pictured - foreground, left to right: Jerry (that's me), brother Donnie, and in the background is brother Greg.

My apologies to sister Cindy and brother Rick for not appearing in today's special feature pic, but I will get them next time. I'm sure it's their own fault, as I'm guessing they thought they were too good for this game, now that they were teenagers.

I'll try to keep this analysis short (yah, right!), but let me begin by saying that I've probably glanced at this old photograph dozens of times. You know how it is when you have a folder with hundreds of photos inside. Each individual photograph might merit a casual millisecond glance before you click anxiously to the next one. It's sort of like the amount of attention your resume' (that you've spent weeks constructing) receives from today's hiring managers. You're not sure what you're looking for, but you know you'll recogize it when you see it. Like I said, I've glanced at this photo before - at first blush, nothing special happening here - but apparently this morning is the first time I've actually LOOKED at it closely.

THE SCENE:
It's obvious to any male from my time period what my brothers and I are doing. However, for the sake of any youngin's who stumble by and have never played with any toy that wasn't electronic, let me explain. We are playing Cowboys & Indians & Army Men (at least Donnie and I are playing that. I'm not sure what brother Greg is playing, but I'll get to that in a moment).

Horror of horrors, kids! We didn't have Wii-Station 4, Intendo or Gamecast game consoles. We had whatever was in the tin container pulled from the toybox at the end of the hallway (as well as our well-developed imaginations). Some days we would only play Army Men. Other days we would play Cowboys & Indians & Army Men & Dinosaurs. When we were real ambitious, we might try a game of Matchbox & Lincoln Logs * Playskool Farm animals. Or any combination therein.

In this particular photo, it appears that Donnie and I are recreating the true story of Thanksgiving by playing a straight up game of Cowboys & Indians & Army Men. I don't actually remember the scenario, but its obvious to me by looking at the position of the plastic molded action figures that in this scene we were celebrating the life of the giant Indian chief lying prone on the makeshift funeral pyre (which is actually some kind of center piece on the coffee table, but in our world you use whatever prop you have).

I don't remember why the giant Indian chief died this day, or why army men are attending the funeral heavily armed. Can the infantryman be the pall bearer and still hold his machine gun, and just what is the mortar launcher pointing at?  Maybe its just a 21-gun salute and the projectile is for lighting the pyre? Sorry, I just don't remember. Is that an electronic football player piece on the table and paying his respects?

But that is not what I wanted to blog to you about today.

Family, we can no longer ignore the very disturbing game Greg appears to be playing at the lamp table. Intervention?  I have blown up the object of his attentions here, but as you can see - it is now somewhat pixelated. This of course will not stop me from doing my best at Play-by-play analysis.

A few questions come to mind. Why is this giant green Indian not attending his chief's funeral, which is quite obviously already under way? Also, I don't recognize that piece lying prone at his feet. It's large, and not a regular army man or giant indian. It can't be Stretch Armstrong, as he doesn't hit the scene for another decade or so. Could it be sister Cindy's Ken action figure? Is it just me, or is it not wearing any pants? Greg did always state that he wanted to be a doctor while growing up.

Lastly, is that a purse hanging over the giant indian's shoulder? I really don't think that came with the full action set and appears to be made from construction paper?

I'm open to suggestions as to possible explanations.

Now in all seriousness for a moment, what gave inspiration to this silly blog today was the following story I stumbled upon, and in which the title is self-explanatory. I only wish this were possible with my  photo above. Hey Donz, maybe we can play again with as much wreckless abandon in Heaven?

'Look how we've grown, mom!': Brothers travel back to childhood vacation spots and recreate old family photos for their mother's 55th birthday

The Raisins of Wrath and the fall of progressivism

Chattering Teeth Pictures presents a first look at The Raisins of Wrath, a major motion picture still in development (in my head) and what is sure to be a blockbuster hit. The Raisins of Wrath is loosely based on John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath, although it is updated for the times. Differences from the original include an underlying theme of rediscovery and empowerment of individualistic ideals over government bureaucratic control and the result is a happier ending.

PLOT DRAFT:
Barack Obama is a former migrant community organizer who became President by riding on the back of a unicorn and throwing candy canes and free condoms to the citizenry.  This film takes up around the mid-point of his second term when he is forced from his Washington D.C. Pennsylvania Avenue home by Tea Party Patriots during the new American depression he caused. He sets out along with thousands of others in search of jobs, new homes, and hope for a brighter future. Alas, poor Barack can't find any openings for a community organizer (or free health care) anywhere.

Here is a still frame from a scene in the beginning of the picture when Barry is still president, just as everything begins to unravel around him due to the collapse of his signature health care bill.

After he is removed from office, the country rejects the tyranical liberal progressive activist government and once again embraces the ideals of freedom and liberty that had originally made this county great. Almost over night the country begins to heal. The economy roars back with implementation of free market principles. With Big Government on the run with all its food stamps and other "freebies", the traditional American family takes center stage once again - with a married mom and dad taking their children to church to give thanks to God. The sun begins to shine on this country's face once again.

I'm still working on the ending, but rest assured it will be inspired by that "I'll be there" speech made famous by the late, great Henry Fonda in the 1940 original...

I envision Obama giving the following speech towards picture's end when he realizes his utopic progressive ideology is doomed to the trash heap of history (where it has always landed)

OBAMA: Then it don't matter. I'll be all around in the dark - I'll be everywhere. Wherever you can look in the world where socialism still thrives. Wherever you see millions barely sustaining themselves in abject poverty, I'll be there. Wherever there is massive and unsustainable debt due to immoral entitlement promises that enslave the citizenry, I'll be there. Wherever God is rejected and sin is uplifted, I'll be there on my knees with my forehead pressed against my prayer rug. I'll be there passing out condoms and clean hypodermic needles, soothing the masses with polarizing lies and false promises. wherever there is a stack of dead baby fetuses left rotting in the sun, I'll be there too - celebrating the right for women to choose. 

Here is the original:

Another Hitler Photobomb

This linked article would have us believe that the Nazis invented photoshopping in 1914 and that the face in the crowd in this famous photograph of Munich's Odeonsplatz is not really a young Adolf Hitler’s.

However, after closer scrutiny over a steaming mug of morning coffee and squinting through my readers, I am prepared to set the internets on storm by proclaiming this photo legit. That is definitely Hitler with the funny 'stache.

Now as for that Chinese dude in the bottom of the blowup..
I'm almost positive I've seen that dude from somewhere before.

THE END

P.S.: Rearranging the letters of "Munichs Odeonsplatz" produces this very ominous anagram:

A Schnitzel Dooms Pun

Why did Francis Bacon's Painting of 'Three Studies of Lucian Freud' sell for a whopping $142M, yet the portrait of Pope Francis with Bacon Vestment only went for $38 on eBay?

Chances are, somewhere on your favorite news feed today is the story of the art dealer, William Acquavella (Aqua Velva?), who just paid a record $142 Million for a portrait by Francis Bacon titled, 'Three Studies of Lucian Freud'.

Francis Bacon Painting Sets Record At Auction

But the reason you come to my Chattering Teeth blog is to get the rest of the story (or the google search miss-directs by pet owners wondering why their dog or cat's teeth chatter).

Either way, you're in luck! Chattering Teeth was on the scene with crack (smoking) reporter, Gullible Gabe, to interview the bid winner, and finely groomed William Aqua Velva.

WILLIAM: Remember the Edward Jones commercial where a man with the winning bid at an art auction immediately turns back to the auctioneer, saying, "I'd like to go ahead and sell it now."?

Well I know how he feels. What is this exactly? The Three Stooges of Freud? What a lovely use of browns, tans and baby poop diarrhea yellow. C'mon! I thought this auction was a classy joint. When I read the sandwich board out front that read "Francis Bacon Painting For Sale", I was convinced it was for that masterpiece on Ebay I missed out on this past summer of Pope Francis with Pancake And Bacon Vestments.

Now THAT is a work of art! What would you rather hang on your wall!?

In other news, contrary to the MSM, I am a Catholic AND a conservative, and I LOVE Pope Francis... and everything 'bacon' for that matter.