Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Just Throwing Rocks

Dear Blog,

I'm not really sure why I seem so fixated on Sasquatch sightings. It's not like I actually BELIEVE in huge, hairy ape-like biped creatures that roam the forests and mountains - smart enough to evade capture or leave any actual evidence of their existence, but so stupid as to preoccupy itself by making stick structures and rock arrangements. I mean, THAT'S CRAZY TALK!

I'm more of an Occam's razor kind of guy and therefore choose the simpler explanation. 'Squatch are superior humanoids who are actually future versions of our evolved selves from some time in the distant future when we have managed to master time travel (and run-on sentences) and can move back and forth from our time to theirs through invisible portals of energy hidden in large oak trees to evade capture while our future ancestors study us. 

Since almost every Sasquatch sighting seems to involve them throwing rocks and not firing ray guns, I'm left to conclude that no weapons or materials can go thru these portals, and the 'Squatch travel naked - just like the Terminator.

THE END

It's a crazy world and sometimes a tad overwhelming just trying to absorb it all. That's why when I am reading the latest story about a Sasquatch sighting, I will just imagine it is a story about North Korea's Kim Jung Un. Try it!

Kim Jung Un - Real or Hoax?

It works the other way also. Here is how I read the latest headlines in order to cope...

Sasquatch could soon develop a  trebuchet with the potential to hit hikers and capmers and irritate them many miles away.

No Sasquatch talks while rocks are flying, Tillerson says

US spy satellites detect rogue 'Squatch building rock pile.

The U.N. Security Council on Saturday voted unanimously to introduce a set of punishing sanctions against these hairy, rock-throwing creatures.

Sasquatch promise 'thousands-fold' revenge in response to United Nations sanctions

Chicago mayor, Rahm Emanuel, likened these sanctions to “blackmail,” and declared that Chicago will remain a Squatch-welcoming city.

Attorney General Sessions said the city of Chicago has chosen to protect criminal Sasquatch who prey on random hillbillys instead of enforcing laws

There. I hope you feel better now.

THE END AGAIN

5 comments:

Ed Bonderenka said...

What brand coffee do you drink?
Actually that part about Sasquatch time travel makes perfect sense.
I need coffee.

DaBlade said...

brand? I'm more a quantity than quality guy. whatever is in the pots. see what I'm sayin'? watch out for the rocks.

Z said...

"the rocks" in a vodka/water with olives!? :-)

Kid said...

We have sasquatchs in Congress. Have you heard of maxine waters ? sheila jackson lee?

They're heavy drinkers too. Very heavy. Nana pelosi is one of their offspring. hank johnson is one of pelosi's offspring. john mccain is the product of sasquatch incest. There is a lot more but I'm planning on selling most of the details on Amazon self publish. I'm hoping the clinton's die first. Safer that way.

DaBlade said...

Z, NOW you're talking! Though I'd rather go for a smooth Bourbon.

Kid, You've made a very common mistake regarding maxine waters and sheila jackson lee and nancy pelosi due to their simian gait and hairy disposition. However, these aforementioned primates do not pick up their own poop like the 'Squatch do. I love the hank johnson and john mccain revelations and can't wait to pirate a free copy of your new manifesto! :0