Chattering Teeth Blog News - Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer addressed the nation yesterday... ok, when I say "the nation", I simply mean her small following of sycophants on Facebook Live.
The Gretch has been criticized for her arbitrary and restrictive orders during the coronavirus outbreak, but what benevolent monarch never throws a few scraps to their peasants?
At first, The Gretch stated, “My hope is at the end of this month we can maybe permit gatherings of 10 or less.” She has since clarified this to mean a small gathering of cardboard cutouts
The Gretch has initiated the Defense Production Act and is mandating General Motors to convert all of their assembly plants and facilities to begin producing these cardboard beauties by the end of this year.
Whitmer said it’s her “fervent hope” that come the end of May, the state will be ready to go into another phase where it can start to engage more activities - "But barbers performing haircuts are simply out of the question until one of them can come up with a style that makes my forehead appear smaller than one of the Mackinac Bridge supports".
And... “We won’t be filling stadiums any time soon..." (sorry Lion fan)
IN OTHER VIRUS NEWS:
IN yet another example of Her Majesty's benevolent love for her subjects, The Gretch unveils the new mandated "Hail, Governor" Voice Assistant that she expects to be found in every Michigan home by the June 1st door-to-door State Police inspections.
Turn in those obsolete listening devices from Google, Apple and Amazon, etc. No more "Hey Siri" or "OK Google". And forget about your mistress, "Alexa"... wait, excuse me... your Alexa COMPANION.
Now comes the new and improved state-approved spy device with a one-size-fits-all for every Michigan home. It comes in the form of a life-sized cardboard cutout of our own beloved governor.
*Like all of the previous inferior Voice Assistants, SHE is always listening. However, for the illusion of privacy, there is a "woke word" to get you started. Just state, "Hail, Governor!"
CAUTION: Do not mix old Wake words from previous VAs with the new Woke word. In other words, stating "Hey Governor," or "OK, Gretch" or Lansing forbid you simply just say, "Gretchen!" INSUBORDINATION! SUBVERSION! Your lockdown just got longer, mister!
*Instead of an auto-response from a pre-recorded feminine robot voice synthesizer, you will actually get a real-time LIVE response from one of Governor Gretchen Whitmer's operators staffed by the numerous displaced and furloughed healthcare workers. SOMETIMES you may even get a response from the Governor herself! (have tissue at hand for the expected emotional outburst you are bound to experience by being in HER voice presence).
*Was it music you wanted to hear? Maybe a particular song? Well, for get about the boring studio original - with "Hail, Governor", you are going to get that song sung by none other than Her Highness, Gretchen Whitmer! (I hear she does a mean version of "Let it Go", from Disney's Frozen)
*How about a weather report? Never mind getting boring current temperature readings or precipitation forecasts for later in the day (it's not like you are allowed to go anywhere). INSTEAD, sit back and enjoy a Global Warming... err... Climate Change discertation by none other than the Swedish teenager on the spectrum, Greta Thunberg!
DISCLAIMER: Subject to availability. The Governor has initiated the Defense Production Act and is mandating General Motors to convert all of their assembly plants and facilities to begin producing these VAs by the end of this year.