Saturday, May 16, 2020

Whitmer hopes to allow small gatherings of cardboard cutouts by June

Chattering Teeth Blog News - Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer addressed the nation yesterday... ok, when I say "the nation", I simply mean her small following of sycophants on Facebook Live.

The Gretch has been criticized for her arbitrary and restrictive orders during the coronavirus outbreak, but what benevolent monarch never throws a few scraps to their peasants? At first, The Gretch stated, “My hope is at the end of this month we can maybe permit gatherings of 10 or less.” She has since clarified this to mean a small gathering of cardboard cutouts



The Gretch has initiated the Defense Production Act and is mandating General Motors to convert all of their assembly plants and facilities to begin producing these cardboard beauties by the end of this year.

Whitmer said it’s her “fervent hope” that come the end of May, the state will be ready to go into another phase where it can start to engage more activities - "But barbers performing haircuts are simply out of the question until one of them can come up with a style that makes my forehead appear smaller than one of the Mackinac Bridge supports".

And... “We won’t be filling stadiums any time soon..." (sorry Lion fan)

IN OTHER VIRUS NEWS:

IN yet another example of Her Majesty's benevolent love for her subjects, The Gretch unveils the new mandated "Hail, Governor" Voice Assistant that she expects to be found in every Michigan home by the June 1st door-to-door State Police inspections.

Turn in those obsolete listening devices from Google, Apple and Amazon, etc. No more "Hey Siri" or "OK Google". And forget about your mistress, "Alexa"... wait, excuse me... your Alexa COMPANION.

Now comes the new and improved state-approved spy device with a one-size-fits-all for every Michigan home. It comes in the form of a life-sized cardboard cutout of our own beloved governor.



INSTRUCTIONS:
*Like all of the previous inferior Voice Assistants, SHE is always listening. However, for the illusion of privacy, there is a "woke word" to get you started. Just state, "Hail, Governor!"

CAUTION: Do not mix old Wake words from previous VAs with the new Woke word. In other words, stating "Hey Governor," or "OK, Gretch" or Lansing forbid you simply just say, "Gretchen!" INSUBORDINATION! SUBVERSION! Your lockdown just got longer, mister!

*Instead of an auto-response from a pre-recorded feminine robot voice synthesizer, you will actually get a real-time LIVE response from one of Governor Gretchen Whitmer's operators staffed by the numerous displaced and furloughed healthcare workers. SOMETIMES you may even get a response from the Governor herself! (have tissue at hand for the expected emotional outburst you are bound to experience by being in HER voice presence).

*Was it music you wanted to hear? Maybe a particular song? Well, for get about the boring studio original - with "Hail, Governor", you are going to get that song sung by none other than Her Highness, Gretchen Whitmer! (I hear she does a mean version of "Let it Go", from Disney's Frozen)

*How about a weather report? Never mind getting boring current temperature readings or precipitation forecasts for later in the day (it's not like you are allowed to go anywhere). INSTEAD, sit back and enjoy a Global Warming... err... Climate Change discertation by none other than the Swedish teenager on the spectrum, Greta Thunberg!

DISCLAIMER: Subject to availability. The Governor has initiated the Defense Production Act and is mandating General Motors to convert all of their assembly plants and facilities to begin producing these VAs by the end of this year.

THE END

15 comments:

  1. This news poses no danger to my sanity because I do not live in Michigan, but I find myself in agreement with Kid that these female voice assistants are just another example of rampant sexism in America. Still, despite this obvious violation of federal law, I don’t mind female voice assistants ... in fact, I prefer the female voice to the voice of the guy on the Duluth Trading Company commercial for men’s underwear —but that’s just me. Kid, on the other hand ...

    Now my good friend Ed, who does live in Michigan, seems to favor the cardboard cutout VA because he’s not only pre-ordered 144 of them (a gross of Whitmer), he also can never quite get enough of Gretchen Whitmer’s voice. I have a reliable source that Ed has converted all his VA technologies to the Gretch voice; his Apple Watch, TV, Computer, Driving Assistant, and that tiny little voice that exists only in his head. It is sad to see a good friend fall apart like this, but I did warn him about the effects of eating excessive amounts of animal crackers.

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    1. Really? I'd rather listen to the "get a pair" dud e than that condescending "re-routing" chick. In fact, I always assumed the Duluth guy was Kid. As for the Ed info, I had no idea he was dealing with all of that. (A gross of whitmer. lol)

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    2. What's wrong with animal crackers? They go good with Guinness Beer and from what I recall from high school science, beer contains the three most important food groups: hops, barley, and malt.

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    3. Sam ... Biden eats animal crackers.

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    4. "he’s not only pre-ordered 144 of them (a gross of Whitmer)"
      She is gross.
      Then you had to spoil Animal Crackers for me.
      And I just got over their changing the cover art to make it more PC.

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    5. and they were for target practice.

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  2. Well, who the F would name their baby Gretchen.

    As for animal crackers, I prefer the ones that look like mustang or Blade.

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  3. I AM the Duluth Guy. And who the fuck is that male-female hands talking thing on the right.

    Also, why is Mustang so engrossed with Sanda Flake? The bitch is Ugly.

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    1. Sandra Fluke was the worst sex I ever had but I was far from home and very drunk. And it was a long time ago. I did eventually recover my self esteem but not without a lot of help from my friends. https://youtu.be/nCrlyX6XbTU

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    2. That was my assumption Mustang. She probably raped you as well while you were diminished from Tequila. I've been there myself.

      -Kid

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    3. But I think it is only fair that I point out that I never criticized you for picking up Wal-Mart women. I've never done that ... that I recall ... and I certainly don't want Jerry to cancel my membership in Club Hacker.

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    4. Hey man, not all Wal-Mart women are bad, or ugly, or dirty, or diseased, or slutty, or even yea that.

      I've had a good time with a couple of them.


      -Kid

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    5. "hat male-female hands talking thing on the right."
      Sam Kinison?

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  4. All good questions, mister Kid. But like how Mr Owl once answered his own timeless query, the world may never know.

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    1. There are many things we will never know and that's a good thing. Apologies for the profanity. I was a little off.

      -Kid

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