Sunday, June 17, 2018

Cruz Crushes Cryin' Kimmel


CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - All 3 of Cryin' Jimmy Kimmel's regular viewers to his little late night bitch sessions were treated to days and days of bad-natured trash talk about Ted Cruz leading up to the Blobfish Basketball Classic matchup. After almost 2 hours (including Jimmy's "cry break time outs) Ted cruised to an easy 11-9 victory

“The reason this happened is because I called Cruz a blobfish,” Kimmel whined. “And he did not like that … so he challenged me to a charity game of one-on-one and he proceeded to spank me repeatedly up and down the floor.

Not sure how I lost. I worked on my game with the former president for weeks!

Saturday, June 16, 2018

JOKES FOR RADICALS

Henry: The IG report shows foreign actors gained access to your emails...

Hilery (sic): Who, like Ingrid Bergman or Gérard Depardieu or something?

Get more "Hill-arity" like this from her new book from Chatteringteeth Press


Friday, June 15, 2018

WHO'S THE WILD MAN NOW!?

Giuliani calls for suspension of Mueller's probe


Ruuuuuudy...
Ruuuudy... Ruuuudy... 
Ruuudy... Ruuudy... Ruuudy...
Ruudy... Ruudy... Ruudy...
Rudy!... Rudy!... Rudy!...

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Democrat congressional hopeful wants to train teachers how to disable themselves with pepper spray

 US POLITICIAN PEPPER SPRAYS HIMSELF IN CALL TO END SCHOOL SHOOTINGS
A US Congress candidate has pepper sprayed himself to demonstrate how teachers could protect against school shootings if they had “non-lethal defence tools in every classroom”. 

Levi Tillemann, a Democrat candidate in Colorado, says there needs to be legislation to protect children in schools. 

“I am calling on congress to pass legislation to place secure a can of high-power pepper spray inside a ‘break glass in case of emergency’ box in every classroom in the country and train teachers how to use this powerful self-defence tool,” he said.

OK, I have to admit that this dude may be on to something. As I watched this crazy person spray himself in the eyes with pepper spray.

I was memorized MESMORIZED (thanks cube) by the depths of his total, utter and complete ignorance. 

I was distracted and forgot what I was doing, as he dunked his head repeatedly in a bucket of sudsy water. Imagine if an entire classroom of kids sprayed themselves in their own eyes when confronted with an evildoer. This would be way more effective than an armed response, don't you agree?
 
 “It’s incredibly painful, and now I just can’t see anything.  It’s just unbearable, it’s like lava in your eyes.”

You might get the same painful response with posters of Hillary on every door entrance during school hours.

THE END

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Robert De Niro exchanged for secret family Kimchi recipe

Summit in Singapore off to a great start. 

Monday, June 11, 2018

Bob De Nada and the Hollywood leftists attack President Trump while he is on foreign soil

Is anyone surprized that Robert De Niro says ‘F— Trump’ at Tony Awards (while our president is in Singapore in advance of dangerous negotiations regarding NK nuclear weapons), and gets a standing ovation? What I found odd was that there was actually another Hollywood awards show. Do they have these every weekend now?

So Bob De Nada was apparently introducing fellow leftist commie Bruce Springsteen to perform a song. Did Samantha Bee open with her so-called comedy routine of c-word insults directed at our first lady? Was this followed up by Michael Moore reading poetry?

Think about this. This douchebag's Trump derangement routine was captured by scores of broadcast professionals on state=of-the-art cameras and microphones and relayed over multi-million dollar satellites in Geo synchronous orbit and over a vast network of underground fiber-optic cables to TV sets all over the globe and enjoyed by approximately 3 viewers. The majority of the rest of us were either watching the Food network or clipping our toe nails.

Well, at least the Hollywood audience of leftist communist progressive C----s and dumbf----s enjoyed it.



Fav comments from linked article (and only reason to even click it):
>>>F#@K DeNiro.

>>>and just like that, I am gong to vote Trump from this point on, I have always been a liberal and voted for Obama but these relentless nasty and vulgar attacks has made me sick of these celebs that continue to act like toddlers throwing tantrums. It is not classy and exasperating to hear day in and day out.

>>>De Niro doesn’t realize he will never be in a hit movie for the rest of his life. Never.

>>>That’s saying exactly “f*** half of America, f*** elections, and f*** our constitution”.

In other news:
Donald Trump And Kim Jong Un Lookalikes Hold 'Summit' In Singapore
SINGAPORE: While access to the historic summit between US President Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un will be tightly restricted, hundreds of Singaporeans got the next best thing on Saturday when two lookalikes showed up at a downtown mall.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

"JUST SAY NEIGH" to Horseycide

Chattering Teeth News - 2015 Breeders' Cup and Triple Crown Winner American Pharoah was found hung in his stall (at least that's what the ladies said) dead at the age of 6. 

Empty bottles of cheap Kentucky bourbon were found scattered among the hay bales, and medical examiners' preliminary results reflect he may have also overdosed on horse tranquilizers.

"¿por qué?," asked Juan Amillio Rodriguez Chalupa Sanchez Diablo, American Pharoah's press secretary and shit-shoveler. "Maybe he jus' miss the midget show racing circuit." 

American Pharoah's death by his own hoof comes on the heels of the 2018 Belmont Stakes where Thoroughbred racehorse Justify becomes just the 13th Triple Crown winner, and first since AP won in 2015 breaking a 37-year drought. Maybe he was just jealous and sad that the little people no longer rode him in circles, and nobody draped him with flowers wreaths anymore.

The Foundation for Horseycide Prevention recommends that stalls "JUST SAY NEIGH" and have a muted response to horseycide, because other horses may be attracted to the idea of getting recognition or gratification in death.

"These celebrity horseycides, while tragic, should be shunned and ignored like school shooters," stated DaBlade, veteran jockey of area supermarket coin operated kiddie horses. "I wish I could still  take a quick Penny Pony ride at the grocery store now and again, but there are those restraining orders to worry about."

American Pharoah had no reason to be sad that his career 'stalled' as he had been getting plenty of tail in his retirement with him earning a stud fee of about $200,000 per pop. He leaves hundreds of mares in foal to cherish his memory.

A memorial service will be held at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow at the ACME Glue Factory. In lieu of a flower necklace, send me a bottle of Old Grand-dad.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

stream of unconsciousness

QUERY OF THE DAY: How many more celebrities and/or fashion designers must die by their own hand before I've actually ever heard of one of them? 

SPORTS TIP: Lebron James and his sidekick Cavs lose this year's basketball trophy. The consolation prize invitation to the Waffle House has been rescinded because he won't just shut up and dribble the syrup. Go home, Lebron. You're dunked.



WHEN HEADLINES ATTACK!: 
Gator sought after report of possible attack in Florida park

Gator "sought"? What an odd word to use in relation to a gator. 
BOLO: Be On The Lookout for a reptile on the loose and reportedly wearing a hard leather-like hide, dark sunglasses and driving a 1971 Gremlin. He should be considered armed and dangerous.

TRUMP NEWS: Trump says he will ask NFL players who kneel during National Anthem for a list of those they feel should be pardoned and he will read their application. Way to call their bluff, Donald. I'm sure this was met with confused and vacant stares by these leftist America-hating kneel-baggers. This is the equivalent of Trump "pulling the chair" and watching them fall on their asses.

Sad news from Fox News commentator Charles Krauthammer stating he only has weeks to live. He would often frustrate me with his analysis as well as getting me to nod in agreement the next segment. A good man that will be missed when he's gone. When Joe Biden heard this, he shouted, "Stand up, Chuck! Stand up and let 'em see ya!"

LASTLY, THE RODMAN ADVANTAGE?
“I will be flying to Singapore for the historical Summit. I’ll give whatever support is needed to my friends, @realDonaldTrump and Marshall Kim Jong Un,” Rodman said in a Twitter post.

It's probably no surprize that I have a soft spot for Dennis (side margin) and that I will always give him the benefit of the doubt. Even if no progress is made, you have to tip your MAGA cap at his willingness to try. God Bless you Worm, and good luck!

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Dear Philadelphia Eagles football team

The letter Trump should pen in response to this.

Dear Philadelphia Eagles football team,

Congratulations on winning a trophy for a game you are paid millions of dollars to play. People pay lots of money to watch you throw and catch and kick and run with an oblong ball. They buy an over-price ticket or tune in on TV for escapism. They want to get away from the divisive polical climate permeating every nook any crannny of our society. They get their fill of pampered social justice warriors and America-hating snow flakes the rest of the week. The last thing most of these loyal fans want to see during the playing of our National Anthem. are these haters kneeling and disrespecting our country, our military, hot dogs and apple pie.

Your invitation to the White House was based on a long standing tradition to reward sports teams for winning a championship. A nice photo op for all, a tour of the White House and a nice little mini vacation for your team. But your jackass owner and Hillary donor Jeff Lurie had other ideas. Instead of leaving politics at the door, he wanted the visit to be an “opportunity to engage in productive dialogue with the leaders of our country."  I don't think so. Hey Lurie! Take off the pink pussy hat and step away from the gay wedding cake.  You have proven yourself incapable of productive dialogue and most of these kneel-bagging SJW players border on incoherence.

Therefore, when I heard that only a small number of players were planning to come to the White House in an attempt to make a statement or to try to embarrass me, I had to cancel. Instead, there will be a ceremony for a group of 1,000 fans who deserved better by tour franchise and your city.  

I was very much looking forward to being there with you. Sadly, based on the tremendous anger and open hostility displayed by the team ownership and by your Mayor, Silly Jim Kenney,  I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to have this long-planned meeting.

You like to talk smack and throw insults my way, just keep in mind that my nuclear capabilities are so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used.

Sincerely yours,
Donald J. Trump
President of the United States of America

Thursday, May 31, 2018

In the "And you thought YOU were having a bad day" Department

Didja see this? 

The remains of a man trying to escape the volcanic eruption of Mount Vesuvius nearly 2,000 years ago were found in Pompeii, Italy, this week...
Archaeologists believe the man was fleeing to safety, having managed to escape the first volcanic eruption, but was subsequently crushed by a large stone in the process.

Archaeologists believe the man was around 35-years-old and suffering from a bone infection. His head has not yet been found.

His head has not yet been found? I can give them a clue where to start looking.

 The story suggests that the internet memes this photo generated are somehow inappropriate. I say, meme away. The average life expectancy in ancient Rome was 35 years of age. The dude made it! If I were him and was given a choice on "how to go" the day before Vesuvius erupted, THIS would have been my wish.

 But that got me to thinking. I wonder how these folks spent the day before the big blow? Were they worried about stuff that wasn't really important in the big scheme? Shouldn't they have taken an occasional look at the rumbling mountain over their shoulder and prioritized a little better?
Life is rock and roll
Sisyphus Vesuvius
Pyroclastic flow

In 1942, a gentleman by the name of Albert Camus had a philosophical essay published titled, "The Myth of Sisyphus." In it, Camus argues that Sisyphus symbolizes "man's futile search for meaning" and concludes with this: "The struggle itself...is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."  So basically Hannah Montana had it about right. It is the climb.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

FREE TOMMY! AND FREE A HOT DOG BUN!

Pet Peeve Dept: If half a turn with the reins around the hitching post will hold a 1500 pound horse while the cowboy is knocking a few back in the saloon, then it should be good enough for the twist tie on the bread wrapper people. When I want a sandwich, I do not want to have to perform 20-some untwists (after starting in the wrong direction of course and making it worse). I doubt the slices are plotting an escape. 

 It happens every time there is a cook out and I want to get a bun for the brat and/or the burger, and the wrapper is closed with a twist tie. Do I untie clockwise or counter clockwise? There is no right or wrong answer and it is always a 50/50 proposition, for the twist tie is torqued down tight.

My understanding is that in the UK, twist ties HAVE to be turned counter-clockwise to loosen them. Of course, this is America where you are still allowed to be against Islamic pedophile groomers,  so there is no law regarding twist tie directions (or even a toilet paper roll OVER/not under Amendment).

The story has a happy ending, as I was ultimately successful in extricating the hot dog bun after much angst. Hope your cookout was as fruitful.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

A Case For Caravaning

or alternate blog post titles:

*When wives attack text directions

*Meet you at Sweetwater

*What I knew was... what I didn't know...

What I knew was that my wife and I had been invited to attend the Detroit Tigers baseball game vs the Chicago White Sox on Saturday, May 26 with my brother and sister-in-law. What I didn't know was that the seats would be be behind home plate in the upper deck and fantastic. But before we get to that part...

What I knew was that I don't own a cell phone and so rely on getting important messages thru my wife. What I didn't know was that her narrative invention would throw the proverbial curveball into our plans.

What I knew was that we would be driving separately (as they were heading to Kalamazoo after the game) and that we were to "meet at Sweetwater pub" at 12:30pm. What I didn't know was that my brother meant the Sweetwater bar just a few miles from my house (never been there and forgot it was named this) and that I was told we were supposed to meet in Detroit - so (going against my instincts) I pointed the GPS at the Sweetwater Tavern a few blocks away from the ballpark.

NARRATOR SIDENOTE QUERY - When partaking in a day trip with friends or family involving separate vehicles, do you decide to; 1) meet at the destination at a specific time? or; 2) caravan?

My wife was brought up in a home where they practiced "meeting there" and I come from a long line of caravaners. As a caravaner myself, I am not sure how the "meet theres" are so confident the other parties will follow thru or actually remember to leave for the agreed-upon meeting spot without a continual line-of-sight. They're family, after all, so how can they be trusted not to wander off? If at any point the other party in a caravan cannot be spotted in the traffic, there is a flurry of immediate and frantic phone calls and shouting out of mile markers, with instructions for one or more parties to "take the next exit" or to "wait on the shoulder" until the caravan can once again be made whole. Otherwise we are no better than the beasts in the forest.  

So at 12:30pm sharp we pull into the parking lot in downtown Detroit.

My wife calls the sister-in-law, "where are you?".

"We are at Sweetwater Bar in Grand Blanc and waiting for you," she answers.

And THIS is why we caravan. 

I blame myself for doubting this life's rule by listening to my "meet there" wife, but I was excited for lunch in Mexicantown on Detroit's southwest side. Time for recriminations later, there are margaritas with my name on them (my Spanish name is "Geraldo", btw)

By now, my wife has her phone on speaker. I hear my sister-in-law tell my wife to meet them at the Blue Water Bridge in an hour. I hear my brother say that, "I hope my brother realizes you meant the Ambassador Bridge and not the Blue Water Bridge, which is in Port Huron.

And THIS is why we caravan.

I say, "I'll see you in Mexican Village when you get there. I'll be the gringo with a stack of empty margarita glasses in front of him."

...And that is how they found me. A great lunch and fun time at the ballpark was had by all. All's well that ends well, but it could have been worse. I had a bad feeling someone was going to get the signals crossed again and call from a jail cell in Tijuana.

So in conclusion, when planning a day trip with family and/or friends involving several vehicles - CARAVAN! If you're worried that not everyone can agree on a specific speed, you can always rent a car transport carrier.


THE END

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Pig in a Blog Poke

Sure, the internet is responsible for destroying my first career that I had a 30-year investment in, but then it does something like this... AND TOTALLY REDEEMS ITSELF!

Why Would a Pig Follow a Man Home?
Ohio police received a call at 5:26 a.m. Saturday (May 19) from a man who said he was trying to walk home from an Amtrak train station in Elyria but was being followed … by a pig. 

The man was unsure how to react. The police thought he was drunk and possibly hallucinating, but when they arrived at the scene, they found a sober man who was indeed being followed by a pig.

Obviously, a full investigation needs to be launched. Why would a pig be so persistent when it was made clear to it time and time again that the man wanted nothing to do with it?

Some answers may be forthcoming in a new book from the following pig's perspective. Pre-order your copy here!

Monday, May 21, 2018

HAMMER DOWN ON THE DEEP STATE!!!

May 2

May 20

Trump is about to put the Hammerdown!! This calls for one of my fav Nugent tunes with Meatloaf on vocals (bet you didn't know that, didja Street Rats?)

White line
Double time
Comin' 'round with a hammerdown

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Trump Lunch Break

Nothing much on the...
Trump Schedule Thursday, May 17, 2018
I see that Mad Dog remembered to pick up a Happy Meal for the Secretary General of NATO