Thursday, February 22, 2018

Lauren Duca - the Newhouse Family's Golden Goose

Teen Vogue’s Lauren Duca rips ‘evil’ Rev. Billy Graham: ‘Have fun in hell’
A controversial Teen Vogue columnist known for throwing verbal bombs has topped herself with an especially vile tweet about beloved evangelist Billy Graham, who died Wednesday at 99.

“The big news today is that Billy Graham was still alive this whole time. Anyway, have fun in hell, bi--h,” Lauren Duca tweeted.

Duca went on to say “’Respecting the dead’ only applies to people who weren’t evil pieces of sh-t while they were living.”

This is not the first outrageous and despicable utterance from this pile of human debris' piehole. In fact, I am not aware of anything she has ever offered of value - and yet she continues to be employed. Just who are these "hands off" owners?

Teen Vogue is a sister publication to Vogue. It is published under the Condé Nast umbrella, which is owned by the Newhouse family and Advance Publications.

The Newhouse family once offered the following job security pledge.

"We provide job security to all full-time, salaried employees who are not covered by a collective bargaining agreement. This means that no full-time, salaried employee will lose his job because of new equipment, technological advances or lack of work. Once you have satisfactorily completed a probationary period, you will become a permanent employee. Then, this unique job security pledge applies to you as long as you continue to perform your assigned tasks satisfactorily, do not engage in misconduct and this newspaper continues to publish."

Of course they found a loophole and terminated thousands of good, honest and hard working folks (and me) for a buck. Let's see how they handle this latest Lauren Duca tweet. I'm guessing she's safe.

No shame. No surprise.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Bump Stock Ban Leads To Affordable Tea In China

Trump's first move on gun control after the Florida shooting may not work

Well, we HAVE to do SOMETHING. I love the 2nd Amendment as much as the next lying politician, but we must give into emotion and crisis actors over logic, freedom and liberty if this problem is to be solved! Your 'thoughts and prayers' are not what's needed - rather you must cede all authority to the loving government and empower them to protect you. After all, we HAVE to do SOMETHING!


What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? I'll tell you...

1) Bump Stocks banned

2) The price of tea in China craters

3) Butterfly flaps it's wings in Madagascar

4) Hurricane in Atlantic

5) Swamp land Real Estate for sale in Florida

6) Progressives ratchet up attack on Second Amendment

In conclusion, I don't own a bump stock, nor do I have any desire to own one. Had bump stocks been banned prior to the Las Vegas shooter, it would not have stopped him from getting them or making his own. In fact, I've heard that one can mimic the action of a bump stock by simply inserting your thumb into your belt and the stock against your belly. The point is, this is nothing more than a magician's slight-of-hand and the next thing you know, there will be a knock on your door and a demand for your guns. Good luck with that, progressives. All that will be accomplished by the public school kids walking out and skipping a day of indoctrination is maybe a spike in test scores.

THE END

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Olympic News

The first openly combustible bound bundle of sticks and twigs and a slang term for a cigarette skater have "come out" and medaled at Pyeongchang - proving that figure skaters don't have to be America-hating homosexuals.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Border Collie Security

Smart dogs. Peel away the diseased sheep from the pack. Herd them outside. Maybe they'll wander out into traffic.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

WEE-WEE'd Up

It seems like only yesterday when the official obama portraits were commissioned... and once again, reality (as it relates to the obamas) is much more hideous than even I could predict.
The first thought that came to my fertile mind was of Clint Eastwood's speech over the empty chair way back when. Nailed it. But then for some reason, both of these portraits reminded me of an old scene from one of Stephen King's movies/shows.

Per wiki - "Weeds" is a darkly humorous story about a backwoods hick farmer in New Hampshire named Jordy Verrill who thinks his newfound discovery of a meteorite will provide enough riches to pay off the remaining $200 of his bank loan, but he instead finds himself overcome by a rapidly spreading plant-like organism that arrives in the meteorite.

In the remake starring obama, WEE-WEE'd Up is about Barack sitting around smoking choom and swatting flies.

Then who could forget John Coffey from THE GREEN MILE... Is it the blouse or the biceps that are so reminiscent of the previous first lady?
THE END

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Alien Wessel

When Elon Musk launched one of his expensive golf carts into space this week, I couldn't help but think about Star Trek: The Motion Picture. If memory serves, the antagonist in that flik was a defunct space probe known as V'Ger (formerly known as Voyager 6 before an assault of a millennia worth of radiation wore off some of the paint from the logo). At some point, V'Ger 's programming is taken over by a mechanical race of very stupid robots who send V'Ger back toward Earth in search of whales or something. In my proposed sequel, The Enterprise stumbles upon the Tesla Roadster as it is returning from deep interstellar space. I don't want to give too much away, but the Rd'Ster has somehow gotten it into it's programming to return to it's creator, threatening Earth unless it gets a tuneup and tire rotation. Spock eventually does a mind meld to the dummy pilot and somehow convincing it to allow him to change the radio station to something more of his liking. Sulu falls in love with the alien dummy driver because it, "has a pretty mouth."  You'll just have to buy a ticket for the exciting climax.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Stocks funny haha or funny weird

So the DOW has been taking it on the chin, and the futures don't look good. Thankfully, I lost everything in the 2008 collapse, so I'm good on this one. Speaking of collapse, I'm finally recovering from some nasty 36-hour cold/flu bug. Please wash your hands thoroughly after caressing this blog. You've been warned. And now for some funny stock market jokes.

The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen. –Jay Leno

Yesterday, the Dow Jones average dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time that much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab." --Conan O'Brien

"After Monday's 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis." –Conan O'Brien

"Another bad day for the stock market. The stock market is bad. It's so bad, for a lot of brokers now, there's a half-hour waiting line to get on the ledge." –Jay Leno

My stockbroker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it’s his!

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

From a trader after a market crash: “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

QUESTION: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
ANSWER: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with 2000 yen and was sent 66 mBTC. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady said, “Fluctuations.” The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, “F*ck you Americans too!”

Today’s Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

Saturday, February 3, 2018

NEW THIS FALL! - THE FLYING NUNES

Powered by over sized headgear and a powerful memo on FISA abuse, Devin Nunes is The Flying Nunes! Hillarity will ensue, as this House Intelligence Chairman will soar over Washington D.C. each week triggering the liberals and leftists to scurry away looking for a safe space or their Tide Pod stash. 

I already have my lunchbox (below) to take to work.

Yes, I did watch The Flying Nun,  but in my defense;
1) We had only one TV in the house back then;
2) I had an older sister;
3) I was still in elementary and had yet to attain double-digits.

Friday, February 2, 2018

RELEASE THE GROUNDHOG

Today is Groundhog Day 2018. This morning in Michigan, Groundhog Day be like...

Chattering Teeth News - Today is Groundhog Day 2018, and the results are in! At precisely 7:25 a.m. Eastern time, on a hill the locals call Gobbler's Knob, a chunky rodent named Punxsutawney Phil poked his head out from his burrow and READ THE MEMO.

As he read, Phil saw the dark shadow of the deep state and corrupt pawns at the highest levels of the FBI & the DOJ.  The implications for the release of the memo to the public became clear. They say the best disinfectant is sunlight, and the deep state shadows are anathema to this light. Therefore...

Punxsutawney Phil predicts 7 more years of Trump Kicking Dems A$$!!!

RELEASE THE MEMO?
*Emo Philips is in my Top 10 of all-time favorite comedians - and his first bit here in the first minute is on the topic 'release the Emo' - but you might enjoy his entire routine.


Thursday, February 1, 2018

RELEASE THE MIME

Is today the day when The Mime is released? 

BEWARE OF ATTACK MIME
DO NOT BANG ON DOOR,
AND DO NOT LET HIM OUT
NO MATTER WHAT HE TELLS YOU

Not MIME... I think you mean MEMO! You know, MEMO, as in short for MEMORANDUM? The memo commissioned by intelligence committee chairman Devin Nunes and is advertised as exposing corruption at the upper ranks of the F.B.I. and D.O.J.

OK, here's a random Mime. rELEASE THE mIME!

And now its time to play...
Anagrams of the day: (created with names spelled with individual scrabble tiles, shaking them up in a Yahtzee cup and spilling them on my vibrating electronic football game until the hidden message appears...)

INPUT: "RELEASE THE MEMO"

OUTPUT
1. - "MALE HEROES MEET" and the similar "HERO TEAMS MELEE".
*HEROES, as in Nunes, Gowdy, the president, and all other individuals who have a hand in fighting this corruption. *MELEE, as in a confused fight, skirmish, or scuffle. That would be the democrats and their alphabet media partners in crime.

2. - MOLE MEET HEARSE
*MOLE, as in the espionage definition, and any and all of the corrupt individuals and holdovers from the obama admin who tried to throw the election to Hilery (sic). *HEARSE, as in a vehicle for conveying the coffin at a funeral.

Listen, and understand. That memo mime is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

THE END

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

MAD AUNTIE MAXINE TO GIVE FIERY RESPONSE TO FRESH PRINCE RE-RUNS?

Tonight is President Donald J Trump's first State of the Union Speech and I'll be watching. Trump had a very good first year, despite constant attempts to bring him down with the false 'Russian Collusion' narrative perpetrated by the democrats, Big media, and the highest levels of the FBI and 'Intelligence'.

I don't know about you, but I am also looking forward to Mad Auntie Maxine Waters' unofficial response to the SOTU on Black Entertainment Television (BET). Here is how I see the headlines Wednesday morning:

MAD AUNTIE MAXINE GIVES FIERY RESPONSE TO THE FRESH PRINCE RE-RUNS - CALLS FOR GEOFFREY'S IMPEACHMENT

It could happen, just take a look at their schedule.


PICTURED: I predict Mad Maxine will be given the star treatment at the BET studios. She will arrive early because of the promise of free donuts in the Green Room (and because 'what else does she have to do?) She will subsequently fall fast asleep behind the locked door of her dressing room, while a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air marathon plays on the monitor. 

Instead of brushing up on her prepared and hate-filled racist pavlovian response to Trump's speech, she will instead dream of the wealthy Banks family and shenanigans of their nephew Will, fresh from the ghettos of west Philadelphia.  

When she is quickly roused from her slumber and propped up in front of the mic by BET stage hands - her James Brown wig permanently askew to one side, and dried drool on her cheek - she is given a hit of smelling salts and a slap, just as the ON AIR light goes on.

And the rest, as they say, will be history. She will recite the entire Ill Will episode from season 2, but mangling it a bit. Instead of will not wanting to go to the doctor for a tonsillectomy because he is afraid of hospitals, it's because Trump killed the obamacare mandate. She will state that Trump is a racist with no good values who wants to make the Fresh Prince 'white again', or something...

IN CONCLUSION - and full disclosure, my predictions do not always come to pass, proving to me beyond a doubt that this blog is monitored at the highest levels and that adjustments are made on the fly. If Mad Maxine is just her regular incoherent, ignorant and racist self - you'll know they've been here and have gotten to her.

In any case, I will be doing the Carlton dance during Trump's speech.

THE END

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Skipping SOTU

Justice Ginsburg to skip State of the Union
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will not be attending President Donald Trump's State of the Union address on Tuesday. Instead, she will be at Roger Williams University in Rhode Island, for a talk catching up on some much needed shut-eye.


Ginsburg, 84, also has sent signals recently that she intends to keep her seat (and her My Pillow) on the bench for years to come.

When asked how long she intends to serve, she said... "Zzzzzzz".

regarding the wizened and bitter hag, Ruth 'Buzzi' Ginsberg...
DON'T PANIC - She is only sleeping. She does that frequently. I think she was appointed by Woodrow Wilson and I'm afraid she may live forever. When her input is required, she will be temporarily revived with a booster injection of aborted fetus blood. Soros will tell her how to vote.


Saturday, January 27, 2018

Alias Strzok and Page

BREAKING!!! CHATTERING TEETH EXCLUSIVE!

Another bombshell text message has been discovered by Chattering Teeth News between former members of Robert Mueller's team. This is a game changer folks!

WARNING: The following text conversation contains disgusting sexual innuendo between two very unattractive political leftist anti-Trump hacks and may induce a little throw-up in your mouth.

On a totally unrelated subject, I still have the vinyl albums of Mr. Billy Squier and Bob Seger (and neither were harmed in the making up of this blog post)



Full disclosure... I remember also having a black and white poster of Billy Squier on my teenage bedroom wall some 40+ years ago. Does that fact make me a monster?



In conclusion, the Chattering Teeth Blog just surpassed the 10 year blogiversary of its existence, and I take special pride in the fact that dozens of people (and thousands of Russian bots) have stumbled here over the last decade only to squint in confusion at my many scrawlings. Many thanks (and apologies).

THE END