Thursday, December 14, 2017

snail on a keyboard

I contracted the Geico Sloth to do the blog 'shop graphic... accompany my comfort therapy terrestrial pulmonate gastropod mollusc named Bob's guest blog columnist post.

If you feel you must comment, please wait for them to complete their work. It's not like I will be watching from a warm Florida beach with a drink in my hand.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Roy Moore Announces Middle School Yearbook Signing Tour

Judge "Judges" Book By Cover

Can You Get An F In Lunch?

Not as long as you stay away from that dude in the cowboy hat sitting on a horse named Sassy in the school parking lot.

Meanwhile... across the fruited plain.
Hundreds, perhaps trillions of middle-aged white people stood in line for literally what seemed like a thousand years in a Seattle book store yesterday to get a signed copy of Clinton’s latest book, “What Happened,” and to meet their queen.

“She’s American royalty,’’ said [some pussyhat wearing female buffoon] as her friends nodded in agreement. “We have a queen.”

“It was so inspirational. I can’t believe that... I’m standing in the same room with her.”

What? As opposed to lying horizontally in a nearby park with a 'self-inflicted' gunshot wound?

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Did Roy Moore Bully-Sign Boy's Yearbook?


Did Roy Moore bully-sign the yearbook of that Tennessee middle schooler with the funny schnoz? If so, can we all agree that maybe the judge has gone a little too far this time!? 

To Keaton,
If there is another Tennessee 
middle schooler with a funnier 
nose, I could not say.
Roy Moore - senator 2017

The Chattering Teeth Blog has the boy's original Horace Maynard Middle School yearbook, and their handwriting expert on staff is carefully analyzing the script as votes are being cast in the Alabama senate election (though the milk stains are distracting him). Will the results conclude that Moore bullied this young Jimmy Durante doppleganger? Will they be available in time to affect this election? Will Gloria Allred represent 'Rocky' after she gets a whiff of his mother's crowd funding efforts? Stay tuned for the exciting answers.


And now for a visit from the spirit of the Father from Christmas past.

Dude. Man up. 
Stand up for yourself. Don't ever willingly allow anyone to pour milk on you or put ham down your clothes without fighting back (or adding 2 slices of Wonder and squirting a mustard chaser down the front of your drawers for the laughs - chicks dig that kind of stuff). Don't be afraid to lose. In fact, you most likely will. But if you play your cards right, you won't lose before you get a good shot in on the biggest bully. And after you are knocked down and possibly bloodied, stand back up and confront them by yelling, "YOU QUIT, YOU LOSE M&**er F*%^ERS!!!!" Rinse and repeat. Trust me, they will think you crazy and leave you alone. There are always easier pickin's then 'crazy'. You see, there is no shame in losing my son. Only in not standing up for yourself. And not knowing which bathroom to use. My time is now done here. You will now be visited by the spirit of Christmas present. NOW whatcha gonna do when they come for you!?

Friday, December 8, 2017

Planned Parenthood Exit Coming Up

DOJ investigation launched into Planned Parenthood’s practice of selling baby parts

It's true, they kill millions of babies, then cut them up and sell their parts for profit - but should THAT minor detail override the good things they do? Like providing sex education... errr.... and providing important DIRECTORY services in telling young women where they can go if they insist on prenatal care or an actual breast exam.

And just WHO ARE YOU to decide that infanticide committed by a women's body is wrong? Don't like it, don't kill any!

I have a dream that one day the Buffalo Bill character from the movie Silence of the Lambs will not be judged by the content of his basement well nor the skins taken from his overweight victims, but by the quality of stitching for his 'woman suit'.

A "FREE MAMOGRAMS" (sic) sign found buried under the porch of legendary serial killer, John Wayne Gacy. If confirmed that Mr Gacy actually performed free mammograms or provided "non-judgmental" sex education - it could lead to his posthumous exoneration.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

The embassy just got 10 feet higher

Trump to move our embassy to Israel’s capital in Jerusalem.

The capital of the Jewish people for a mere 4,000 years or so.

The arabs who call themselves 'Palestinians' (which is not really a thing) say they will withdraw from the peace talks. YIKKES! *WRINGS HANDS* *lip quiver* *sob*

The MSM agree that Trump has destroyed the peace process, hoping we will ignore the 100+ years of violence perpetuated by these same arabs.

Hamas plans 'day of rage' in response to Trump's Jerusalem decision

TRUMP: "The embassy just got 10 feet higher."
In fact, let's put the embassy in that domed building on that rock. First, paint over that ugly gold - I'm thinking 'egg shell white' - and put up a neon TRUMP sign on top.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017


The "Gay wedding cake controversy" is now in the hands of the Supreme Court.

The very future of our fragile republic rests in the outcome, and the answers to these questions.
1) Will Ruth Bader Ginsburg stay awake long enough to give her dependable rubber stamp vote to the leftist?

B) How many drool aprons will she soil through today's opening arguments?

c) Will the gay male couple show up for oral arguments covered in frosting and confectionary sugars like that large lesbian couple who put Sweetcakes Bakery in Oregon out of business?

4) Will the high court take up my petition to force Masterpiece Cakeshop to bake me this chattering teeth cake?

Stay tuned for the exciting outcome.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Harvey Weinstein Christmas Album

Love listening to the classics this time of year!
Harvey sings...
She & Him  "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's warm on my casting couch
This audition has been - ignore your conjoined twin
So very nice - I'll drop my pants and release the dice

My agent might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink? - Chloral Hydrate in there
I wish I knew how - Close your eyes and brace yourself
To break this spell - You want the part or not? Your twin looks swell

There's bound to be charges tomorrow - Think of my cell mate's sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you disappeared and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out
Ah, but it's cold outside
Oh, baby, I'm cold inside

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Deluxe Matt Lauer Toy Office Desk With Secret Button


NEW THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!!! Introducing the Deluxe Matt Lauer Toy Office Desk (With Secret Button)

It makes a wonderful addition to the playroom or bedroom of your budding male talk show host, democrat senator or Hollywood producer. This toddler toy desk features plenty of storage for kiddos to organize crayons, finger paints... toy handcuffs, zip ties & rolls of duct tape. 

There is an 'audition space' directly in front of the desk of your little predator-in-training, adjacent to the score board with the handy garment hook. Your little Johnny only needs to hit the "Secret Button" underneath the desktop to lock his bedroom door (Little Johnny's dad will need to help with the wiring - a GREAT father/son moment!) 

Will little Sally get the part? I guess that's up to her,isn't little Johnny? 

Now only $69.99. Our new operator, Matt Lauer is standing by to take your order. We can't promise he is wearing any pants. Call now!!

Matt Lauer had a secret button that would lock his office from the inside
...and somewhere in a high rise office... George Costanza sleeps beneath his desk, dreaming of being a marine biologist.
This linked sentence leads to a toy art desk and has nothing to do with this blog post of randomly hit key strokes. Any similarities or assumptions made to link this real children's toy with the one described here is the fault of the perverted mind of the reader making this false connection, and your blog host takes no responsibility for perverted democrats who may stumble here.


Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Pervey The Elf

Head Elf:  Pervey! What's eatin' ya, boy?

Pervey: Not happy with my work, I guess.

Head Elf: Do you mind telling me what you do want to do?

Pervey: Well, sir, someday, I'd like to be a... a senator.

Head Elf: Now listen: we have dolls that cry, talk, walk, blink and run a temperature. We don't need any dolls that sue us for getting groped and forcibly kissed against their will!

Monday, November 27, 2017

Sophia the Robot Buys Rommba on Cyber Monday

QUESTION: Why did a robot that is the very latest in artificial intelligence and robotics technology and also is programmed to identify as a female, purchase a Roomba® 980 robot vacuum on Cyber Monday?  

ANSWER: To save 10%... And because Sophia is a lesbian robot.

wait for it....

Buckle up. You are now entering the Chattering Teeth Matrix...

Chattering Teeth News - Have you heard about Sophia the humanoid robot? This is the most recent collection of nuts and bolts that has all the secular humanists excited at the possibility of man-made AI achieving sentience. Even Sophia's 'About Me' intro states in part -

"...Every interaction I have with people has an impact on how I develop and shapes who I eventually become. So please be nice to me as I would like to be a smart, compassionate robot. I hope you will join me on my journey to live, learn, and grow in the world so that I can realize my dream of becoming an awakening machine."

By the way, did you catch that passive-aggressive threat? Please be nice to me, for I would like to be... a compassionate robot. I am reminded of the "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" line from the Hulk movies.

But I digress.

Brainiacs like Elon Musk and Stephen Hawking have warned about the dangers of AI, and how these robots are a threat to the human race. Of course, most secular humanists probably think their can openers are 'alive', but these same clueless progressives can't see actual LIFE if it exists inside a woman's womb.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe that we can create dangerous machines that can be programmed to kill us. Just not actual life.

"God created Man. Man destroyed God. Man created Rommbas. Rommbas kill man and clean women's carpets... Woman Lesbots inherit the earth.” ― (Not Michael Crichton, Jurassic Park). 

Now that we are on this subject, check out this journalist's fascination with this machine's naughty parts... (at the 1:20-ish mark). I wonder if he talks dirty to his toaster too?

The latest Sophia news is that it says it wants to start a family.

Wait, I thought we established that Sophia was a lesbot? Is Sophia actually a BiBot? Maybe a TransBot? In any event, I think we can safely assume that the LGBTQIAPK COMMUNITY needs additional letters to account for the additional artificial genders. Let's start with LGBTQIAPK & AILAIGAIBAITAIQAIIAIAAIPAIK.

I have to go now. My iRobot Roomba® 980 is prancing around my living room wearing the sofa arm cover on it's head like some kind of impromptu woman's wig. Time to do some re-programming.


Sunday, November 26, 2017

Was there Russian meddling in the preparation of Sarah Huckabee Sanders' chocolate pecan pie?

I was binge-watching the Netflix yule log for several hours (NO SPOILERS! I'm not finished watching!) when this stunning photo appeared in my inbox from an anonymous tipster with a hidden oven cam.

REALLY???? Isn't this the same pie from Sarah's tweet?

Chattering Teeth News -A bombshell indictment may be forthcoming in the alleged pie tampering investigation, this blog reporter has learned. Special counsel Robert Mueller's sole focus will now be dedicated in getting to the bottom of #piegate. Was there Russian meddling in the preparation of Sarah Huckabee Sanders' chocolate pecan pie?

Once this investigation is completed, Mueller promises to get to those deleted Clinton emails, the uranium to Russia, and the fake dossier thingy (if there's still time).

The White House press secretary swears she didn't share a fake pie picture, and the White House lawyers are hopeful that the investigation will end soon and absolve Sarah of any kitchen collusion wrongdoing.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Elon Musk builds world's largest battery - Black Friday Update - Now Sold Out!

Tesla Just Finished Building the World's Biggest Battery

...and here is the lucky purchaser of this one-of-a-kind 129 megawatt hour battery.
Apparently he had to camp out 30+ days in advance to be the first in line to get his lucky ticket. Originally he just wanted a shot at the 55" flat screen TV, but found he needed a new battery for his lantern. 

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving 2017

Looks like Senator Franken has dibs on the breasts.

And now for a visit from the Chattering Teeth Ghost of Thanksgiving posts past. Grab a seat by the fire... Now I wasn't born with a silver turkey gravy ladle in my over-sized pumpkin piehole, so you'll have to content yourself with a seat in front of my faux electric fireplace. Comfy?

The First Thanksgiving and Black Friday - Shopping like it's 1621!
In 1621, prior to anthropogenic global warming, the month of November was cold in New England. Freakin' cold. Certainly too cold to plant crops! "I wished I'd thought of that before leaving in September on a 2-month tour," thought Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford, regretting once his decision to anchor the Mayflower off the shores of the new world in the dead of winter.

"...and honkey please, I'm freezing my butt off in these knickers!," Bradford complained. [more]

Now don't forget the dessert!

Life of Pumpkin Pie
I have this movie idea ... Picture a large Pumpkin pie stranded and adrift on a lifeboat with Detroit Tiger, Prince Fielder. One is a traditional holiday dessert with a blend of warm spices and the other is a very large and hungry Tiger, both on a very small boat.
 Will the Tiger eat the pie? The suspense will slowly build throughout the movie, as time and time again the Tiger picks up the boat oar, swats and misses the huge, round and stationary pie. [more]

Enjoy your turkey feast. Combat climate change by ridding the planet of turkey methane. Just don't wander too close to the couch later...

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Inflatable Turkeys (WBAGNFARB)

I am thankful I live in a world that includes inflatable turkeys.

Not enough time to make a real turkey for the holidays? Just blow up this inflatable turkey! Only don't try to carve it . . . A fun gag gift for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Made of Vinyl
Comes Delfated in Illustrated Box
Measures 16 inches long

At the time of this post, there were still 36 inflatable turkeys left this Thanksgiving Eve! What? You don't eat vinyl? Well, everything isn't always about you!

Won't you help this starving Family Pack of CPR Manikins this Thanksgiving?

The Prestan Family Pack of Medium Skin CPR manikins contains 2 Adults, 1 Child and 2 Infants, all with LED Rate Monitors. 

Also included are 20 Adult Lung Bags, 10 Child Lung Bags, 20 Infant Lung Bags, an Instruction Sheet, and a nylon carrying case.

If you don't send me money immediately...
I see a vacant seat. in the poor chimney-corner, and a 'Manikin" child's lung bag without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future...

Your generous gift of $15 made payable to the Chattering Teeth Blog will supply one inflatable Turkey for a needy Family Pack of CPR Manikins.'re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Monday, November 20, 2017

Charles Manson Facebook Status Update

He gone.

At least now we don't have to worry about Manson using his 'talents' of persuasion in getting folks to murder for him. The same could be said of Hitler and Sanger.

From the Chattering Teeth Manson Archives:
Charles Manson Caught "Hexting" with Smuggled Cell Phone

The murderous cult leader was caught with an LG flip phone under his mattress, and it was determined that he had made numerous calls and sent text messages to people in California, New Jersey, Florida and British Columbia.

We all have our own unique talents and natural gifts. Some folks express themselves through their art, music, words, etc. Manson's talent is an uncanny ability to persuade folks to kill for him. The story doesn't state the purpose for Charlie's calls - but if I had to guess - Charlie's got a Smart Phone and now Janie's got a gun.