Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I am now a Be-Bobble-ieber

Sometime next year (cue wavy lines signifying time travel to the future)

Justin Bieber BOOED AGAIN at the 2014 Billboard Music Awards, this time as a severed head under the stage name "Justin Bobble". The FBI is still searching for "Doctor DaBlade", the anonymous email author who convinced Bieber he carried the faulty Angelina Jolie gene below the neck. Some of the agents in the FBI do not find this humorous.

The boos thundered from the crowd during Bobble's performance of "Never say Severe" from his new album I ain't got no Body. Bobble chastised the audience with almost the same whiny speech he gave at the 2013 Billboard Music Awards (with a few minor changes, given the situation).

"I’m 20-years-old, I think I’m doing a pretty good job for just a severed head spring mounted on a plaster bobblehead doll. I really just want to say, it should really be about the music and the craft that I’m making. This is not a gimmick. I’m an artist NOT a bowling ball or a fishing bobber, so stop those jokes right now. I should be taken seriously."

Meanwhile, Bobble's mute and headless dancing body is playing to packed houses of cheering fans.

The End.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Wee Weed up with ObamaWeeds? Take Your Lawn Back!

Got weeds? A "weed" is any plant that is growing where it's not wanted. They are ugly plants that are just waiting for a chance to invade your beautiful south lawn, stretching their wicked roots and stealing from your lawn's producing plants.

You dig them out but they come roaring back. Frustrated, you think you've tried everything. You heard somewhere that if you denied the weed of water, it would shrivel and blow away.

So you try this...

Nope. Still here.

Don't get all 'Wee Weed Up'. There is a better way.

Grass roots will destroy weeds.

The best method of weed prevention is always a properly mowed and healthy stand of grass. Mowed high, your turf shades the soil, keeping sun and heat from reaching the weed seeds. Thick turf also helps with weed control by denying weeds the water and sunshine they need to gain a foothold.


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Parallel Universe Thursday: Planned Fatherland and the trial of Dr. Mengele

Somewhere in a parallel universe (not that far away); a place where Germany won WWII...

Planned Fatherland is the largest provider of "reproductive health services" in Nazi Germany. Due to the Fuehrer's generous funding, Planned Fatherland has established numerous concentration clinics providing free services to poor Jewish, Christian and black peasants all across New Deutschland, or what was once known as America.

They have come a long way since the 1930s and '40s, when they were able to provide post-fertilization services to only about 6 million indigent Jews. Since then, they have expanded these free concentration contraception services to all who worship at the altar of the "Angel of Death" (but specifically targeted to eradicate from humanity the impure races of Jews and Africans). From 6 million to over 54 million served! Heil Dear Leader!

Earlier this week, Dr. Kermit Gosnell was found guilty. Not because he enjoyed killing thousands of babies by cutting their spinal cords with scissors. Not because he put late-term survivors in a toilet and amused himself by watching them swim. He was not found guilty because he stored remains of aborted fetuses in water jugs, pet food containers and a freezer at the clinic. After all, he was only following the techniques established by Planned Fatherland's founder, "Doctor" Josef Rudolf Mengele, who is famous for performing human experiments on children. 

No, Dr. Kermit Gosnell's crimes are much more heinous than those. You see, instead of quietly going about his spine snipping business behind closed doors, he made the mistake of bringing negative attention to himself and the Nazi ProgreSSive cause.

image via

Planned Fatherland issued this statement:
This verdict will ensure that no Jew is victimized in plain sight by Kermit Gosnell ever again. We must have and enforce laws that protect access to safe and legal torture and purging from society of the racially undesirable elements.

The life of a Jew after a botched gassing should be left up to the Kommandant, the fuehrer, and the physician.

"ProgreSSives" are the same in any universe, and by any other name would be as morally corrupt.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Will Obama order Jack Bauer to "Stand Down"?

'24,' Kiefer Sutherland Returning to Fox, Will Jack Bauer Soften with the Times?
Jack Bauer will be back to smash more terrorist cells, but will TV's toughest crime fighter still pull out all the stops to save innocent lives?

*Ring* *Ring* *Ring*

OBAMA: This better be good, you called me while I was in mid back swing and I'm under par.

JACK: Sorry Mister President. If it helps, you'll ALWAYS be under par to me. Anyways, I wanted to report a suspicious muslim person of interest at the Detroit Metro Airport who appears to have a pressure cooker in his backpack. May I shoot 'em in the thigh?


JACK: But mister president...

OBAMA: There is no "there" there. Besides, we couldn't possibly get there, wherever "there" is, in time.
JACK: But I'm right here. Just give the order.

HILLARY: Ask him what difference at this point does it make!?

OBAMA: Mrs. Clinton says to ask you...

JACK: I HEARD HER! SIR, WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!... Wait... Hillary is golfing with you?

OBAMA: Not hardly Jack. She just carries my water jug. Joe is keeping score. Did I tell you I was under par?

JACK: Mister president, he is now boarding the plane. What would you like me to do about the terrorist?

OBAMA: Terrorist?... EXACTLY! I want you to find the domestic Tea Party individuals who must be responsible for radicalizing this poor youth. Investigate whether there has been another one of those disgusting videos of the prophet made.

Jack "Shoot 'em in the thigh!" Bauer may be back, but is he really needed these days? I mean, didn't the 'Bamster single handedly defeat terrorism by outlawing the use of that word?

Sunday, May 12, 2013

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY To all of the Christian conservative women out there who celebrate life.

All others may kiss my ass. A pro-abortion/pro-death democrat (is there any other kind?) pretending to celebrate Mother's Day is like an atheist celebrating Christmas. You're not allowed (at least until you make a conversion in your heart).

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Will Benghazi-gate put Halfbro out of business?

Guy Carnage, the company spokesman for Halfbro and maker of the popular Yahtzee-like dice game "Benghazi", came under fire from gamers yesterday when it was discovered the company lied to them about the rules. It has been reported that all references to "terrorists", "al-Qaida" and "islam" had been removed from the rules to confuse their main board game competitor over at The Patriot Brothers.

"Halfbro did not do twelve rules re-writes just so that it could pick the winners and losers, but rather made only a stylistic change to the rules," said a disheveled looking Carnage, as he white-knuckled the company podium.

It's still too early to tell if this scandal will put Halfbro out of business.

Here is the original scrubbed Game advertisement...

Benghazi, by Halfbro is a mix of all your favorite traditional board games, but with a twist.

It's like RISK, in that you start by placing your plastic game piece Diplomats on the board and decide whether to support them with security details. It's like Yahtzee, in that you can "roll the dice" on your diplomat's safety if you believe it might hurt your image. It's like Dungeons and Dragons, as a player is picked to be the Candy Mountain Dugeon Master Moderator who decides what monsters attack, and throwing flags at players she doesn't like. It's like Monopoly, only the opposite. Players who collect the most money by following the rules are considered out of touch and must be scorned. At the end of the game, the losers physically remove the money from a player who earned it to win the game.

Object: Score the most points by rolling dice then lying! Hilarious fun for the whole spontaneous mob!

Disclaimer: Disgusting video insulting the prophet not included.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Will Truth of Benghazi Escape Captivity From WH Basement?

OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency?
TRUTH ABOUT BENGHAZI: "I've been kidnapped, and I've been missing for 8 months... And I'm here. I'm free now."

Today's hearings on Benghazi is an opportunity for truth to finally escape through the torn screen door, where it has been held captive and repeatedly raped in the White House basement for the last 8 months.

During Truth's captivity, the administration gave birth to a lie and named it "disgusting video of the prophet", and this baby was fed and nurtured and loved by the media (despite suspicions that the lie was a product of repeated rape of truth by Obama, Hillary, Susan Rice, and the rest of the WH gang)

PICTURED: Obama and Hillary:  The Lies of Benghazi
h/t Dag Barkley
Funny comic, funny man! But "if you've ever tripped and fallen while dodging imaginary Bosnian gunfire - hitting your head on your club-like cankle which resulted in a subdural hematoma of the transverse sinus venous thrombosis, you know how painful that can be."

HILLARY: What difference at this point does it make?

Some of Obama's neighbors spent Tuesday second-guessing themselves, questioning why they hadn't noticed signs earlier and if they could have prevented the horrors of lies regarding the Benghazi attack from the clutches of this criminal and inept administration.

"It was like nothing was happening. But yet it was happening, Truth was right in front of our face and we didn't even know." Oh sure, Some Republicans, Rush Limbaugh and Fox News have been saying from the beginning that they could see Truth's face peeking out of the greasy, grimy White House basement window and hear her faint screams for help, we just didn't want to believe them.

It's just incredible Truth may leak out from this horrendous nightmare, alive and safe today. Please welcome Truth with love. She needs to be embraced and welcomed back into society after her long and terrible hiatus.

Today's Benghazi hearing will either lead to Truth's long overdue freedom, or more likely the complicit mainstream state-controlled media will simply attack the three neighbor whistle-blowers who kicked in the door and rescued Truth.

As Americans, we need to stand up and stop the media from killing Truth and dragging her lifeless corpse through the streets again.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

A GR Woman using Facebook to Harass Herself is Pure Michigan

A 52-year-old woman from the Grand Rapids area is accused of creating a Facebook account to stalk herself.

...authorities learned that she set up a Facebook account with her ex-boyfriend's information and made it appear that his new girlfriend was using it to harass her.

This is outrageous. For all of the hundreds of false Facebook accounts I've set up to friend myself (12 are still 'pending'), I can honestly say that NOT ONE has harassed me yet. 

Well, there was that time when Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, kept FB poking me. But other than that, I've had nothing but positive inspirational quotes and new recipe ideas out of the transactions.

Oh sure, then there was the time when Charlie Manson was FB "Hexting" me with a Smuggled Cell Phone from his prison cell.

In conclusion, technology is responsible for so many more creative outlets for us disturbed individuals. Can you imagine what Sybil's Facebook profile would look like if the fictional character were alive today? (FULL DISCLOSURE: Sybil is a FB friend of mine)

Friday, May 3, 2013

Hotline installed to report Guv'ment haters? I think they're gonna need to add more lines

Awesome news. Sheriff initiating $1 million dollar hotline encouraging Floridians to report their neighbors whom they suspect might hate the "guv'ment".

Some day in the not-so-distant future, this may be viewed as a significant turning point event. It may even be the needed tonic to reinvigorate the movie franchise Smokey and the Bandit. I can almost see it now...

(cue wavy lines signifying time travel to the future)

OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency?

NEIGHBOR: Yah, I think I got one of dem Tea Party fellas next door. I heard him bragging that he had one of dem Bible thingys and a loaded weapon in his home, and even some bottles of something called "anti- bacterial soap," whatever the Bush that is. I even heard him insult the prophet, peace be unto him.

OPERATOR: We'll send the Civilian Security Force right away!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Sandwich Board Sign Guy breaks glass ceiling

"I couldn't be prouder of this Sandwich Board Sign Guy for coming out", Obama says. "I'm so impressed by his courage. Sandwich Board Sign Guy has opened the door for so many Americans, not just those who share a desire to discuss this topic, but those who want to wear it on a large sign in traffic like they lost a bet."

In other news, Rapid Realty employees are being offered a 15% raise if they get a company logo tattoo. "I made this offer while I was hammered drunk and regretted it the next day," stated the company owner. "Looks like I'm stuck with it now." Meanwhile, an employee who wants the raise but doesn't want to desecrate her body is wearing a sandwich Board sign with the company's logo. "It's tough to sit at my desk with the sign, but I'll sue if I don't get my raise," she said.