Monday, April 29, 2019


Chattering Teeth News - Hillary's Avatar joins an already crowded Democrat freak show candidate stage in the  latest futile attempt to get the ultimate Unobtainium - namely, the White House in 2020. While Hillary is not a paraplegic marine, her cankles are not what they used to be, and those coughing fits have gotten progressively worse.

Therefore, in an underground  science lab far, far away, Bill Nye directs Hillary's ruined body into a Matrix-like pod that links her consciousness to a huge 500-lb blue alien Na'Vi. The good news is that no alterations will be required for Hillary's fleet of colorful campaign trail pantsuits.

(Spoiler Alert: Trump wins in the end) ANother 4 years of cry-o-sleep for the democrat fruitcakes.

Friday, April 26, 2019

Happy Anniversary Babe! (Now go get me a cold one!) Part Trente-Trois

Today, my wife and I celebrate our 33rd wedding anniversary. Also on this day in history - April 26, 1986, the world’s worst nuclear power plant accident occurs at the Chernobyl nuclear power station in the Soviet Union. Coincidence?

APRIL 26, 1986
Test triggers nuclear disaster at Chernobyl

Chatterginteeth News - On April 26, 1986, the world’s worst nuclear power plant accident occurs at the Chernobyl nuclear power station in the Soviet Union. On this very same day, half a world away and on the other side of the globe in Flint, Michigan, a matrimonial knot was tied by two youngsters that has endured to this day - 33 years later! Did the fallout from Chernobyl actually cause this simultaneous leap of faith into the marital abyss?

Pictured: This is NOT Renée Zellweger and Tom Selleck on a Hawaiian booze cruise.

In the years since the disaster, the radiation levels in the area near the plant have decreased enough where people can visit the area. This is great news, since this destination has always been at the top of my list for celebrating an anniversary at some point. Maybe next year, whaddyasay honey? Slight sunburns after a vacation is not that unusual, so sporting facial radiation burn in the office after our return shouldn't be cause for too much concern.

Kids, I don't care WHAT your uncles Ricky, Greg, Randy and Bernie tell you. This IS NOT...

In any case Tina, I love you more today than I did before I was dosed with that radioactive plume so long ago - and that's not just over half a century of Flint water ingestion talkin'! Happy Anniversary.

Thursday, April 25, 2019

Hey Bartender

Joe Biden makes it official and formally announces he is running for president in 2020. Of course, Joe Biden is so old, he will make it official by formally announcing his plan to run for president again tomorrow. 
Joe Biden is so old, even Ruth Bader Ginsburg's body-double is insisting on proof of life.

Joe Biden is so old, he actually robbed Peter to pay Paul. 

Joe Biden is so old, his social security number is 7.

Joe Biden is so old, his first job was a papyrus route.

Just kidding. Lunch Pail Joe never had a real job.

Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Hanging Curve Balls

I've been sitting on the blog sidelines quite a bit lately. Blogging can be like a long baseball game - sometimes I get bored and end up leaving for a while for a bathroom break or to get some nachos. Then when I get back to my seat, I'm like the aging baseball player and I just can't seem to get my swing around on the fastball anymore.

I dunno. But every once in a while as I'm sitting on the end of the bench in the late innings and sipping an after-work bourbon, I feel the tap on the shoulder from the skipper who says, "you're up, kid." So I walk slowly to the plate dragging my bat, the old bones creaking and under a hail of catcalls that I'm all washed up. I step to the plate - I knock the dried dirt from my cleats with he end of my bat. I dig in at the plate and stare at the punk pitcher on the mound and wait for whatever news he will be serving me up.

Here is my plate appearance on the Notre Dame Cathedral fire. 
The official line seems to be that the fire's cause was accidental. Some are speculating terrorism. Listen people, if it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck, if it farts like a duck, - it's probably a f%&king duck. And if it WAS a duck, I think we can all agree the duck is a devout muslim duck.

By the way, why was this church built in FRANCE? I'm sorry, but having a church with this historical significance and with it housing such priceless works of art and religious relics in France is akin to leaving your Lamborghini in the protection and capably shaky hands of deputy Barney Fife.

"Hey Barn, here are the keys to my priceless 850-year-old Catholic Cathedral. Try not to get any scratches on it." 

I mean, c'mon! France? The French seem more concerned with Americans pronouncing Notre Dame with a long "A" than concerned with actually protecting this holy sanctuary. The fact that it hasn't been perpetually listing at 45 degrees is a miracle in and of itself I suppose.

A seeing eye single.

Here is my plate appearance on the muslim bombing attacks against Christians in Sri Lanka this Easter Sunday. (meme not mine tho)

The wife and I are what those leftists call 'Easter Worshippers', and so we showed up to St. Mary Queen of Angels Catholic Church this past Sunday a little early so we would get a seat from the expected influx of a large number of "Chreasters" (those folks who only show to Holy Mass on Christmas and Easter). Unfortunately these Chreasters never showed enmasse, and as it turned out, there were many empty seats available. I never thought I'd miss them but I did. What is happening to The Church?

Our Pastor just happens to be from India, so you can be assured he had a few words regarding the terrorist attack in Sri Lanka. To paraphrase, he said that in Mohammid's tomb you will find his desiccated bones. The tomb in which Jesus was buried is empty. While this statement seems self-evident on its face and not in any way inflammatory, I wonder if Pope Francey Pants would agree.

What is up with Pope Francis's advocacy for Islam and could it destroy Europe?

The chief proponent of putting forth a smiley-face view of Islam has been Pope Francis. He has reassured Christians that Islam is opposed to violence, advised Muslim migrants to find comfort in the Koran, and has portrayed terrorists as betrayers of true Islam. I've said it before and I'll  say it again - Impeach Pope Francey Pants.

Ground rule double.

You might say, "I have muslim friends and they are not murdering terrorists! Stop with you Islamophobia!"

My answer to you is quite simply that if your friends are truly muslim and they are truly not murdering terrorists, then your muslim friends are doing it wrong.

Peaceful muslims are actually channeling the love of the one and only triune God. one God in three persons, the "consubstantial Trinity". For, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God". the Creed confesses that the Spirit "proceeds from the Father and the Son.

Telling peaceful muslims that they should seek comfort in their Koran is like telling Katlyn Jenner he looks sharp in those size 13 red pumps and that evening gown. You're trying to make yourself feel better and more "tolerant" by ceding their lies to them, as if this makes you a good person? If you had a muslim friend and you truly loved them, you would tell them the truth. Namely, that their so-called prophet was a murdering pedophile unworthy of watching your 6-year-old daughter for 5 minutes while you run to the store (let alone be trusted to tend your pet goat sans chastity belt for that long) and who is dead and decayed in his grave, while Jesus, the Son of God's tomb is empty - for He is Risen and is seated at the right hand of the Father in glory - and in Him who the faithful put our hope and trust for salvation.

That said, I am a sinner and sometimes fall short of the glory of my lord. I'm not much of a cheek-turner, and if you try to pluck a whisker I will unleash whatever hell I am capable of bringing on you. I may not come out on top, but maybe at the very least by fighting back, we both crash into an empty field in rural Pennsylvania.

Walk off home run.

Now back to the nachos and bourbon.

Thursday, April 11, 2019

I love the pro-life generation

Very proud of my 'baby' boy 'JC' who graduates from Ave Maria University at the end of this year. Pictured here, front row kneeling and second from the right, accompanied by a group of fellow pro-life students praying for the souls of the unborn babies outside a Planned Parenthood butcher shop somewhere near Naples, Florida it appears. 

Which begs the question - what DO you call a group of pro-life students? A herd? A flock? A litter? I know it's not a murder (that's reserved for crows and democrats)... I'll just call them "hope for the future".

I sure do love this Catholic bubble in southern Florida.

Friday, April 5, 2019

New Dry Shampoo - Awkward Kiss No Mo!

Hi! Billy Mays here again, for "Awkward Kiss No Mo" Dry Shampoo hairspray and fire retardant.

If you are a Latina democrat politician who is always exhausted and short on time with an aversion to hygiene and just never seems to have the time for an actual shower - even on the morning of an extremely important rally that could potentially launch your political career - HAVE WE GOT THE NEW DRY SHAMPOO FOR YOU!

Sure, pretty much every dry shampoo will take care of a dirty, oily scalp, but what about the dirty and oily old 75-year-old pervert male democrats you might run into?

NOW you can go a month (or two) longer without washing your hair and remain a grope-free zone!

The newest formula not only contains styling ingredients that add volume, thickness, and texture - but now includes a pesticide that smells like a sleeping Rosie O'Donnell eating airport sushi in a hot locked car which will ward off any creepy old hair sniffers and pedophile uncles you might run into!

Call now and we’ll send you the Genitalia Blocker with Pirate Patch!

Small print: Smell may attract unwanted attention from roving feminist lesbian bull dikes covered in confectionery sugar.

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Breadlines Form For Airport Croissants After AOC's Visit

ChatteringTeeth News: Just like a good li'l socialist, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez causes breadlines when hardly even trying. Her airport croissant stand is all the rage with the shallow millennials and silver pony-tailed hippy socialists after this recent tweet:

Hmmm... Does anyone else smell stale airport sushi?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Tries Using Croissants to Argue for $15 Minimum Wage, Fails

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

flaming debris

"Wind energy is a green energy source and does not cause pollution."

Wind turbine catches fire in Huron County

A wind turbine in Huron County caught fire and dropped flaming debris to the ground Monday afternoon... The wind turbine involved is located about a half mile off the road, so a witness said fire crews are having trouble accessing it.The Oliver Township Fire Department also doesn't have an aerial truck, so firefighters can't reach the flames with hoses on the ground.