Monday, August 31, 2015

Obama tackling problems by re-naming stuff in Alaska

The economy is crippled; there is more than $200 Trillion in unfunded liabilities; about one hundred million Americans no longer work; illegals are flowing over our open borders; Planned Parenthood continues to murder and dissect human babies; ISIS is on the march and chopping heads; Iran is on the verge of acquiring nuclear weapons and assuring WWIII; Cops in this country are being executed almost daily as a result of the president's race-baiting hate speech... so what did our fearless leader do yesterday?

Americans all across the country let out their breath in a collective sigh of relief when they learned President Obama finally took on an issue that really mattered by re-naming some mountain in Alaska.


No sooner did Obama rename Mt. McKinley to 'Denali' during his Alaska trip focusing on climate change, Chattering Teeth News now learns that obama may be retracting that executive order before the ink even dries.

OBAMA: Denali? I thought they said "Da Nelly". As in Nelly the rapper. You know... so "Hot In Herre"?

I mean, what better theme song for my BullSh*t Global Warming agenda then that? (obama starts singing) "Its gettin hot in here ... So take off all your clothes."

MOOSHELL: *begins to disrobe*

OBAMA: NOOOO! Na na nanna now just hold on a second, Michelle! I was just singing a song! Please stop! You're scaring the moose!

NELLY: So whatupdoh, B? You naming me after that mountain, or what?

OBAMA: My advisors did tell me that the Athabascan tribe's word for that mountain translated to mean "the high one". Naturally, I thought of you, my choom bro, Da Nelly. *obama takes hit of bong*

But no, I have a better idea...

WASHINGTON — Obama now re-naming Mt Mckinley to Mount Snoop Dogg because he feels that Snoop's "Drop It Like It's Hot" makes for a catchier Global Warming theme song. Meanwhile, Alaska is experiencine unseasonably cold and snowy summer weather during obama's Global Warming visit. Hmmmm.

 In other Alaska news, the president has also re-named the capital city of Juneau to "NoJews".

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Dr Death in a van down by the river

I have never watched Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel, but that may be about to change. That's because the show's host and lead paranormal investigator, Zak Bagans (any relation to Bilbo?) just bought an old 1968 Volkswagen "assisted suicide" van that was used by Jack "Dr. Death" Kevorkian.

 Rick Harrison of Pawn Stars is right. You never know what is going to come through that door...
Southfield — A pawn shop owner has sold an old Volkswagen van that was used by assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian...
Kevorkian sparked the national right-to-die debate in the 1990s with a homemade suicide machine that ended the lives of about 130 people. He helped people die in their homes, motels and in the back of the 1968 van. Kevorkian died in 2011 at age 83. He spent eight years in prison for second-degree murder after “60 Minutes” aired a video of him giving a lethal injection to a man in 1998.

Zak Bagans be like, "We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious."

I am going out on a limb here and guessing that Zak did not buy this van for the gas mileage or the custom original blood-stained upholstery... (ACTUAL PHOTO OF INTERIOR)

My guess is that Zak plans on using his "ghost channeling" skills in an attempt to contact Dr. Death (and/or his victims) in the back of his creepy mystery machine. (NOT ACTUAL PHOTOS OF EXTERIOR)

I for one am curious what Jack now has to say, and whether Hitler and he are best butt buddies in the sh*t shoveling pits.

Many of you (none of you) probably remember my fake interview with Jack "Dr Death" Kevorkian back in 2008 after he announced a congressional run. I'm guessing most of you have it bookmarked in your favs,
clawed at your eyesbut for the rest of you... here is an excerpt with Dr. Death explaining how his new "Vote and/or Die" voting machine invention works.

Jack: I have created the perfect polling booth. With a few modifications installed in the back of each booth, you have the first ever error-proof voting machine! In fact, I have offered to install these free of charge all over the 9th Congressional district.

Me: Cool! How does it work?

Jack: It's proprietary information. Let's just say there are computer chips and vote recognition software and just leave it at that. Would you like to try the demo machine?

Me: Errr. Sure. Hey, what are these wires that are connected to the button for your opponent? Why do they lead to this car battery and what are these test tubes of colorful liquids, this series of pulleys and a hydraulic powered syringe doing here?

Jack: It's all very technical, but it is to ensure accuracy. In fact, Hillary had planned on using this baby in the do-over primary against Obama, but it doesn't look like she will get the chance to give this baby a test spin now. Go ahead. You can be the first. Make your selection. Vote for me, or vote for that other guy.

Me: I'm sorry Mr. Death. You scare me. I'm afraid I need to vote for this other guy... *press* Ow! What was that!?

Jack: That is the sweet sound of democracy in play.

Me: I feel sleepy. Hey! Where'd the tunnel come from? I see a light. You in there Mr. Death?

Jack: Please. Just call me "doctor". Or better yet. Call me "Congressman".

Jack received 2.6% of the 2008 vote in his bid for Michigan's 9th congressional district. Thankfully, he never received a patent for his invention (or by my math, Bloomfield Hills would have lost 97.4% of their voters)

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Is Trump a clown to you?

The Left wing hacks that make up the mainstream media have been trying very hard to paint Donald Trump as a "clown" with story after story using that term (and worse) since his announcement to run for president.

Libtards will always tell you who they fear by who they attack, and it is clear to anyone paying attention that a  "President Trump" scares the hell out of them. After all, Trump is the only reason anyone is talking about actually building the wall to stop the flood of illegals, and that is why he is resonating.

That is also why "The Jebster" jumped on board earlier this month in the name-calling -

(Jeb Bush Allegedly Calls Donald Trump ‘Buffoon,’ ‘Clown’ and ‘Asshole’)

This is not surprising, because The Jebster is nothing more than a GOP establishment tool. He is just the next in line as the establishment's selection of a moderate, elitist appeaser that offers no real difference between the horror show that is the democrat party.

Tea Party conservatives are not buying what the GOP establishment is selling anymore. After handing the Republicans the House and Senate in landslide elections in 2012 and the midterms in 2014 after their tough talk and campaign promises to repeal the abortion that is Obamacare, the Republicans instead offered no resistance to Obama's lawlessness. (Hell, they FUNDED it!).

And so I say this to "the establishment". I have had enough of your Romneys. Your Doles and McCains. Most assuredly, I have had enough of the Bushs. I, for one, will not vote this cycle for the first time in my adult life (my first election at the age of 19 in 1980 was the great Ronaldus Maximus) if the Republicans nominate Bush, or Graham, or Christie, or Kasich, or... well, you get the drift. While I am not endorsing Trump, I can promise you I would enthusiastically vote for the man.

As for being a clown? I guess I'm OK with that, based on who he has been hugging. We have had enough of the long line of GOP "Chuckles the ass-clowns". Time for a Pennywise, if you ask me.

Speaking of left wing hacks, I loved Trump shutting down the fake journalist from Uno-vision, WhoreHay IgnoRamos recently.

WhoreHay jumps the line (what a surprise there) and instead of asking a question, he attempts to push his America-destroying agenda with a filibuster whiny diatribe. This strategy normally works with a GOP milquetoast candidate.  Instead, Trump has him booted.

I love this guy!

Saturday, August 22, 2015

NEW PLANNED PARENTHOOD VIDEO - "Black Fetus Accessories Matter!"

The latest release in the secretly recorded Planned Parenthood video series shows a CEO of a Women's clothing and accessories retailer joking about the latest line of blouses made from aborted baby faces while snacking on freeze-dried fruit and human embryo trail mix .

Not really, but that may very well be the next video. If you haven't been disgusted yet by the actual videos exposing these barbaric slaughter houses, than I expect you have already lost your soul.

HILLARY: 'I Admire Margaret Sanger...Her VISION' ('A RACE of THOROUGHBREDS')

I have said for more than 22 years that abortion should be legal, safe and rare. How else would my XXL pantsuits stitched from negro baby faces increase in value?

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Alaskan Cruise - The Lost Blog Diaries (Final Chapter)

Dear Towel Monkey,

To most cruise passengers, you were nothing more than a collection of washcloths and hand towels that were manipulated, rolled, folded and twisted - then left suspended from a hangar strategically placed in their staterooms. But if I may quote Spock from the Wrath of Khan for just a moment, please know this - "I have been, and always shall be, your friend."

I knew you would appreciate that Spock quote, Towel Monkey. After all, we did talk deep into the night sharing our thoughts on all the Star Trek movies (when I returned to the room after a long night spent at The Quill and Compass, or the Schooner Bar). You didn't say much, evidently preferring to just hang in there and listen. But you also didn't judge.

I could have shared any number of the hundreds of pictures taken during my Alaskan cruise of the Inside Passage. But when you've seen one snow-capped mountain range, Bald Eagle, Humpback and Killer whale or Glacier, you've seen them all. But you, Towel Monkey, were unique (other than the other 1200 or so stateroom versions).

That is why I have deep regret for how I treated you that next morning.  'Inside passage' indeed.

Now before I get all sorts of hate mail comments from PETTA activists (People for the Ethical Treatment of Towel Animals), please know that I used every part of the little fella. Like an Alaskan Inuit carving up a whale kill, Every washcloth and towel was used and nothing was left to waste.

Ahhh, but do not grieve, blog. It is logical. The needs of the cruise ship passenger outweigh the needs of the Towel Monkey.

"...of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most... human."


Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Alaskan Cruise - The Lost Blog Diaries of Chattering Teeth

"It will be fun!", they said... Zzzzzzz

cue wavy lines for blog dream sequence

Blizzard winds blow the yellowed and torn parchment across the ice. A young Eskimo boy stops his dogsled and picks it up...

Day 5
It has been five days since our Royal Caribbean cruise ship, Radiance of the Seas, froze solid in a passing glacier. I am starting to regret our little party's decision to take off on our own over the ice. I can't be positive, but I think we might have taken a wrong turn at our last baby seal kill (glad I brought that table leg)...  we likely wandered thru the Bering Strait and into the Arctic Circle. It was certainly nice of the Radiance Captain, Sir Earnest Shackleton, to let us keep our assigned steward. At least we have a Sherpa who can also sing and juggle ice cubes during our breaks. (if we get thru this, sir, I'm putting a little extra something on top of that 18%!!) I'm worried though... Not sure how much longer we can hold on... Our steward says we are down to our last bottle of champagne and after that, no more mimosas. Nights are the worst out here on this ice desert. It might have something to do with the "half Polar Bear, half 'Squatch" creature stalking us...I sure am glad I brought this typewriter...

Will our hero be rescued before he becomes a frozen blogcycle? Is there enough roasted seal veal and mimosas for tomorrow's breakfast? How many show tunes does this cruise steward know before he starts to repeat himself? Oh, and will author Dan Simmons file suit for plagiarizing his scary creature from his book, The Terror?

Check back later for the exciting conclusion!!!

Sunday, August 2, 2015


This remake of the Disney animation classic, Lion King, currently in production is said to be "State-friendly" and will help "educate" today's youth. The movie will feature Simba, Nala and some of the others from the original cast, and it promises to be a direct response to those mean and nasty pro life zealots who don't believe in a lionesses' rights.

PICTURED: Promotional poster prototype for Planned Pridehood. Remember kiddies, its not really a viable cub until it leaves Pride Rock. In fact, says Rafiki, “Sometimes, if someone delivers before we get to see them for a procedure, then the furry fetus is intact!”

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Unless you're a democrat voter, you are aware of the releases of a series of videos exposing Planned Parenthood facilities for what they are - macabre, nazi-like torture, mutilation and death chambers where the chief function is the murder and harvesting for sale of organs from unborn (or newly born) babies.

If you ARE a democrat voter, then you are well aware of the "mean and evil" white hunter who recently murdered Cecil the Lion. You look at this act as a senseless murder and it has you outraged. The former (if some knowledge nugget of this did squeeze thru the blackout gauntlet)... not so much.

Now comes, PLANNED PRIDEHOOD, an animation with a mission to desensitize youth to the butchery these videos exposed and to de-program any child unfortunate enough to have been raised in an "un-progressive" Christian household that values life. *egads!*

***This blog reporter is a master of disguise, and was able to execute this deep undercover assignment by cross-dressing as a Planned Parenthood "Nurse Hatchet". I wore the standard "Liberal Woman" costume from my disguise closet (a butch wig and an inflatable Sumo wrestler suit) - but added a blood-flecked XXXXL smock. This allowed easy peasy access to the animation production studios and executive offices posing as a consultant, where I was able to liberate the plot summary and a few story boards.     

PLOT: Simba knocks up Nala in the tall grass, then splits and leaves her for a transgendered lion with a shaved mane. ("pride" indeed!). Nala decides that the cub she is carrying is no longer a wanted tissue mass, so she goes to see Rafiki, the local Baboon abortionist witch doctor for a 'procedure'.

SCENE: All the animals laugh, dance and grind around to the tune, Circle of Death, as Nala makes her way to Pride Rock and Rafiki's sterile scalpel.

From the day we arrive on the planet... we pledge our loyalty to The State... And we find our place on the path unwinding
In the Circle... The Circle of Death!

Now, poor Nala went into labor on her long walk, and ended up delivering in Rafiki's waiting room hut. One of the hyena nurses giggled and stated, "Its a boy! And its intact!"  Another hyena says, "Let's kill it!"

"Not before we give him a name. How about, Cecil?" *LAUGH* *LAUGH*

SCENE: Rafiki stands on the edge of the cliff at Pride Rock, he holds the squirming unwanted fetus cub up for the animals to watch, as he slits its throat to wild cheers, and the animals dance, sing and grind to the song, "Can You Feel The Blood Tonight."


FADE IN: Timon and Pumbaa... I can see what's happening (What?)
And they don't have a clue (Who?)
Quiet! Here comes our intact cub organs and other lion baby parts we purchased!

Now, unbeknownst to Rafiki and his heartless gaggle of assistant hyenas, Doctor Scar was on a nearby rock secretly shooting Cecil with a video camera as his throat was cut as the nurses joked about carving him up.

HORRORS!!!  A Planned Pridehood paparazzi!!! He will probably somehow edit his film to make what we do somehow look wrong!!!

END plot summary. You'll just have to go see the movie when it comes out to see how it ends.