Thursday, July 30, 2015

Killing Zeke

Zeke is our White Sheperd puppy. He enjoys playing fetch with his favorite orange ball, and loves to play tug-o-war with his white stuffed 'lambie' toy with the obnoxious squeakers. Here is the latest Youtube video of Zeke in action. I'm sure it will go viral.

Zeke's diet, until recently, consisted of homemade dog food prepared by Mrs. DaBlade in the crock pot or oven, whichever the latest recipe called for. Usually she would cook a dish with chicken and/or beef with various vegetables, but always with the secret super puppy ingredient. Hint: I really miss the aroma of simmering sardines wafting through the house. *sarcasm*

Apparently, Zeke gets bored when left alone for four hours and fills his time by reading. I imagine he pads over to browse the collection on the bookshelf, pulling out a single selection, curling up on his bed to read.  When finished, I imagine he carefully replaces each tome in its slot and takes another. That is, until...

Zeke's first birthday isn't until September 5th, but already he has proven to be a discerning literary critic. This picture is Zeke's recent book reviews of Bill O'Reilly's 'Killing Jesus' and 'Killing Lincoln'. Definitely "Four Paws Down".

Many other books were within reach but no others were out of place except for these two. I have no other explanation than to believe that Zeke is not a fan of O'Reilly. I agree, Zeke. Too moderate.

Zeke loves when my middle son and wife pops in with their two dogs, Krueger and Koda. Krueger is Zeke's brother, and Koda is a 4-yr-old beautiful black and tan female Sheperd who doesn't usually care for the brother's rambunctiousness. Koda also loves to play fetch and usually wins the race to the ball, but Zeke always picks her pocket by taking it from her - no matter how many times she tries to spin away from him. 
Left to right: Zeke, Koda, Krueger

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Jebster's Campaign of Love

Jeb Bush Says He Was "herido" by Trump Remarks About Mexicans.

and now... reminiscent of President Abraham Lincoln's whistle-Stop speeches from the back of trains...

Jeb Bush horn-honk campaign from the back of illegals pickup truck in full swing.


Thursday, July 23, 2015

equal immigration footing

Obama: New citizens can skip pledge to take up arms and defend the U.S.
US Citizenship and Immigration Services on Tuesday said it will no longer require incoming U.S. citizens to pledge that they will "bear arms on behalf of the United States" or "perform noncombatant service" in the Armed Forces as part of the naturalization process. Those lines are in the Oath of Allegiance that people recite as they become U.S. citizens. But USCIS said people "may" be able to exclude those phrases for reasons related to religion or if they have a conscientious objection. .

At least this puts them on equal footing with the millions of illegal immigrants, who by definition are not swearing allegiance to this country.

The current naturalization oath (with the highlighted changes I expect to see soon)

"I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen;  embrace and recognize the United Nations as having jurisdiction over a Republican House and Senate; that I will support and defend the fundamental transformation of the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; Christian conservative tea party white people and cops; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; take advantage of free health care, education, food stamps, and welfare that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the Armed Forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I swear allegiance to the henceforth perpetually elected Democrat party; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; (or after a visit from Ambassador Bill Cosby and his bag of very persuasive "puddin' pops") so help me Obama

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Will Barack Hussein Obama make historic visit to muslim killer's sanctuary mosque?

...and become the first sitting President to read from the koran and give the eulogy in honor of the terrorist who just murdered four United States Marines?

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Unless you're a democrat voter, you know that Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez (Moe) is the 24-year-old Kuwaiti-born terrorist who opened fire at two military facilities in Chattanooga, Tennessee on Thursday, killing four Marines, before he was given a lead ticket straight to hell.

That part is true. The rest of the story may be a complete fig newton of my machinations, albeit utterly believable.

According to shariah law, Moe's bullet-riddled body had to be buried as soon as possible from the time of death, and so his funeral arrangements were necessarily a little hasty.

However, since Moe was not a beautiful white woman killed by an illegal immigrant with seven felony convictions, obama was able to rearrange his schedule (change his tee time) to attend Moe's service and give the eulogy at the local imam's request.

While the service was closed to all but family members, this blog reporter was able to execute this deep undercover assignment without incident. Regular readers know I take pride as a master of disguise and an uncanny ability to transform myself into a different person (or camel) for each blog assignment. Sometimes I just need a fake mustache and a bogus French accent. Other times I have to go the extra mile by putting bologna slices in each shoe. It depends on the assignment and what's needed to accomplish complete assimilation. To become one with my surroundings - veritably invisible in plain sight by watchful eyes.

Going through my disguise closet, I came across my goat costume. No way, Jose'! Who needs THAT "hurt locker"?

I got to the mosque early for surreptitious entry (climbed through window opposite of mecca), and was immediately promoted as the new self-appointed Muslim funeral director - the old one was "tied up" in a nearby closet. I can't swear that I prepared Moe's corpse strickly according to their islamic tradition by washing (“Ghusl”) and shrouding (“Kafan”), but I did give him a good yellow "Gushy" and the ol' number two "Krapan" before rolling him up in a persian rug like an over-sized Golumpki.

I knew the prayer service was about to begin when folks started bobbing foreheads to the ground.

OBAMA EULOGY EXCERPT: Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez could have been me 35 years ago. Moe, and other young jihadists have made mistakes that aren't that different than the mistakes I made. There is a fine line between president and terrorist. There but for the grace of allah go I.

Now I wasn't there, and as usual, don't have any facts, but whoever gunned down young Moe acted stupidly. Young and gentle Moe may have made a mistake, but that doesn't excuse law enforcement and military personnel to make the same mistake by bringing firearms onto a military base. 

Further, I'm told he had his hands up and yelled "don't shoot". At some point, we will have to reckon with the fact that this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries. They're killin' teens, they're killin' dreams!

As president, I want all of you to know that young Moe's life will not have been forfeited in vain. As you know, organ donation is generally acceptable for Muslims, as it follows the koran’s teaching that "Whosoever saves the life of one person it would be as if he saved the life of all mankind." With that said, I will be signing an executive order this afternoon, and the four marine corpseman's (sic) bodies will be seized, sliced up and the organs sold for parts by the local Planned Parenthood.


Thursday, July 16, 2015

No Life on Pluto, says Planned Parenthood SpokesKiller

Apparently, we have some spaceship doing a flyby of the dwarf planet Pluto, and NASA has just released this amazing image!

Yet another orb in this solar system devoid of intelligent life.
NOTE: Yes, I recycled an old image of mine from 2012 -
Did Mars Rover Curiosity Already Find Life?!

I wonder if the Martians and Plutonians realize they can make money harvesting the organs from these aborted tissue masses ?

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Obama's Iranian Crap Sandwich

The GOP presidential candidates stopped over to the Chattering Teeth Studios today to watch the obama news conference concerning the Iran nuke deal on my 21" big screen TV.

OBAMA: After two years of negotiations, I have achieved something that decades of animosity has not...

Ted Cruz: We know. Complete and utter surrender to the axis of evil.

OBAMA: ...This deal is also in line with a tradition of American leadership. It’s now more than 50 years since President Kennedy stood before the American people and said...

Rick Perry: Look Jacqueline, a book depository!

Rick Santorum: Is it just me, or does the Vice President look like he had a bad burrito for lunch?

Marco Rubio: Joe definitely looks like he's late for an appointment to drop the obama kids off at the pool.

John Kasich: Quiet guys! I want to hear this!

OBAMA:  ...this deal is not built on trust. It is built on verification. ...

Donald Trump: Speaking of "trust, but verify"... I TRUST that was just gas. However, I really think I ought to VERIFY that El Chapo didn't just make another prison break, if you get my drift.

Chris Christie: Can we stop with the juvenile fart and poop jokes please? I'd like to hear our commander-in-chief speak! Hey Carly. Would you be a doll and get me another donut?

OBAMA: ... under this deal, Iran will also get rid of 98 percent of its stockpile of enriched uranium....

Scott Walker: Speaking of ridding the stockpile, and judging by Biden's pinched face, it looks like the missile may be peaking from the silo.

Carly Fiorina: Joe may have just found the hidden imam!

Jeb Bush: Silencio, por favor. quiero escuchar este!

Mike Huckabee: Blow me, Jeb. We're just having a little fun here while we can. You know, before the inevitable mushroom cloud obama has just guaranteed.

Bobby Jindal: While we have all been fixated on Biden's constipated face, and rightfully so, has anyone else noticed the camera framing our big-eared president's head in front of the chandelier? It makes him look like he is wearing pearl earrings and a pearl necklace, courtesy of Iranian President Hassan Rouhani.

Lindsey Graham: Out of everyone here, I have the most forun policy expeeeeriunce.

Ben Carson: You can pucker up too, Lindsey. Nobody takes you seriously here.

OBAMA: ...And finally, I want to thank the American negotiating team. We had a team of experts working for several weeks straight on this...

Rand Paul: Wait, experts? I thought he had John Kerry on this?

Donald Trump: Seriously, why didn't the president put Biden the "underwear bomber" in the room to negotiate this deal...  Roushani would have taken one look at that face and either made a rushed deal to our benefit, or called for a UN inspection and cleanup team in hazmats to investigate.

Except for a few dissenters, it appears we are all in agreement. Obama just made us another big ol' crap sandwich. I expect Israel's "let's move" response, and I don't think it will be Michelle's program.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Future Shock: Indian Burial Grounds Discovered at Future Detroit Red Wings Arena Site

Implosion Brings Historic Detroit Hotel Crumbling To Ground
The Park Avenue Hotel, built in the 1920s and abandoned since 2003, was imploded Saturday morning. It was brought down as part of a $650 million development project to create a 45-acre downtown sports and entertainment district, anchored by a new Detroit Red Wings arena.

That part is true. What may be a fig newton of my machinations is the rest of this blog story.

DETROIT - Bill & Ted's Excellent Demolition company brought down some old and abandoned 13-story building with 200lbs of TNT this morning and inadvertently opened a temporary time warp portal in the smoldering hole in the ground. Tired of being just a pair of boring old mortar forkers at the construction company, our heroes leaped through the time portal in search for adventure.

Witnesses nearby (homeless crack heads who were staying at the abandoned hotel) insist that Bill & Ted disappeared into the portal and were only gone for mere moments. The boys reappeared wearing Red Wing jerseys, eating Little Caesar's pizza and carrying the Stanley Cup.

Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?

Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened.

Future home of the Detroit Red Wings 2017

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Alternate Universe Fail - Patton Channels Obama

General George S. Patton channels Obama for his speech to the Third Army in 1944, prior to the Allied invasion of France.

PATTON: Men, all this stuff you hear about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of bullshit. But since when should our president listen to the American people?

The larger battle for hearts and minds is going to be a generational struggle. We’ll constantly reaffirm through words and deeds that we will never be at war with Germany while fighting terrorists who distort the National Socialist German Workers’ Party and whose victims are mostly Nazis.

Let me be clear, ideologies are not defeated by guns. No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. You won it by making the other poor dumb bastard join your focus group.

All right, you sons of bitches. You know how I feel. I'll be proud to lead you wonderful guys in gay marriage anytime, anywhere. That's all.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Hillary's Cattle Futures, Part II

Hillary Clinton campaign corrals media - used a rope to keep journalists away from the candidate on Saturday while she walked in this small town's July Fourth parade.

"They allowed themselves to be meekly herded – and be held back by – sneering interns carrying a rope."

PICTURED: Clinton staffer encourages journalist to step up the pace.

After the cankle walk parade, Hillary and her aids were brisked away in limos. The crowd slowly dispersed in order to continue their holiday celebrations elsewhere. All across the country, 4th of July celebrations were in full force. Barbeques, beaches, boats, bars and fireworks displays at dusk.  

As the sun rose on July 5th, an early riser taking her dog for a walk down Main St. discovered a horrific sight. The journalists were still trapped by the Hillary parade rope line from the day before. The witness immediately called 9-1-1.

OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency?

LADY: Yah, I'd like to report a corral of journalists trapped in the road by a rope line. It appears they've been there since yesterday. They look hungry and thirsty! I'm a New Hampshire Democrat. If anything happens to the press, I literally won't know what to think! Please send help!

New Hampshire firefighters rushed to the scene, as their sirens filled the air. The jaws of life were used to free journalists at various stages of dehydration and hypothermia. None of the journalists would leave the area after being freed from the rope line until at last a Hillary staffer appeared on the scene and told them it was ok for them to go home.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Happy July 4TH!

I bought a new Weber charcoal grill at Lowe's yesterday for about $150. I know there are fancier gas and charcoal grills with larger grilling surfaces and more bells and whistles, but I stick to what I love and am loyal to that which grants me the same.

I've had my "old" Weber charcoal kettle grill for many years, and it sits next to a working gas grill. I end up using the Weber about 99% of the time. Aside from the fact that the legs fall off and the drum crashes to the ground spilling its molten contents if I hit a small bump when moving, it works great! (It's not like I haven't crashed to the ground and spilt my contents before). After today, it will go into semi-retirement.

Today the old grill will be working by the new guy's side, as they tirelessly churn out hotdogs, hamburgers and maybe even some chicken wings (if brother Rick is to be believed). We've been having family over for the 4th holiday the last few years now. Not everyone can make it every year, but it's always nice for those who can. Family, BBQ, salads, wine and/or beer. Maybe a big, fat cigar by the campfire (but enough about aunt Caitlyn). And enough about my dysfunctional family. Back to the grill review (is that what I'm doing?)

The only difference I can see at first blush between the old and new grills, is that my new Weber sports a fancy ash catcher instead of a tray, and has a temperature gauge on the lid. The ash catcher should make cleanup easier than the old aluminum tray thingy, and has the added benefit of potentially acting as a combustible engine for a new Weber rocket if I get carried away with the lighter fluid. (I'll keep you posted).

As for the temperature gauge, I doubt it will be more than a curiosity for me. I never grill anything that can't take direct heat, except for maybe my actual hands and permanently singed knuckle hairs.  In fact, the temperature gauge will be as useful as...
* a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse
* a trap door on a lifeboat
* A copy of the Constitution on our current President's desk.

And this concludes my very professional review of my new Weber kettle grill I haven't actually used yet.

Have a great Fourth, as we patriots celebrate the country as it was founded, and NOT what it has been transformed into.

In the meantime, please pass the mustard!
 By the way, nothing but Koegel Viennas for this Flintoid.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Everyday Heroes Profile

Today, we here at the spacious Chattering Teeth Blog Studios salute CDC Logistics Management Specialist George Roark. Roark was "Born to Lead" and according to that linked bio...

"is exactly the kind of person you’d want during an emergency response."

When cholera erupted on the streets of Haiti, eventually killing 5,000 and sickening 300,000 people, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control took action. Emergency Management Specialist George Roark, who received a master's degree in health care administration from Trinity in 1996, was deployed to the scene from his Georgia office to investigate the cause of the disease, which ran rampant when thousands of homeless Haitians crowded the streets.

Roark is also a family man, and in his "free time"  he runs "an annual hunt for medically fragile children and injured soldiers at his family ranch called Daggerhorn in Alabama."

"We hunt deer, but really it's just a tremendous growth experience for the kids and vets. We treat everybody the same and give them the full experience of hunting and being in control. We never have to ask for volunteers. There are always a huge number of people who just show up to help."

My guess is that his impressive career may be coming to an abrupt end after speaking the truth and calling out obama as “the worst pres we have ever had,” an “amateur” and “Marxist”.

Roark is voicing his displeasure due to the tsunami of illegal minors swamping our borders and bringing with them swine flu, dengue fever, Ebola and tuberculosis.... oops, my bad! I see we are now supposed to call these disease-carrying illegals "Unaccompanied Alien Children" (UAC).

Thank you for your dedication Mr. Roark. America needs more courageous men like yourself standing up and speaking truth, no matter the cost.