Saturday, July 28, 2018


CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Last week, scientists announced the discovery of liquid water beneath the surface of Mars. Breaking news updates are now coming directly from an old Ham Radio in the basement bunker of the sprawling Chattering Teeth News complex. The same orbiter with ice-penetrating radar that discovered this liquid water NOW suggests that this water is COMPLETELY FILLED with ancient DISPOSABLE PLASTIC DRINKING STRAWS!

"The scientific community has always wondered why we couldn't find any evidence whatsoever of sea turtles meandering the surface of Mars. Now we have a working theory," stated a steely-eyed missile man who wished to remain anonymous.

Scientists still admit that they don't know the origin of these disposable plastic straws on Mars, but have long understood the propensity of these evil products of capitalism to migrate towards Earth's oceans and to attack the nasal passages of sea creatures.

Is it such a big leap to speculate that millions of years ago there might have been a vibrant Martian population living in harmony with herds of paddling sea turtles, and that eventually the Martians evolved opposable thumbs necessary to then invent Big Gulps and disposable plastic drinking straws - only for these straws to become sentient and invade the oceans in order to kill these turtles?

Is this lifeless planet a precursor for things to come for Earth unless we are able to break our addiction for these straws and instead use sippy cups?

Scientist also state that these recently discovered drinking straws are the traditional red and white striped variety and likely the reason for this planet's reddish hue.

I will keep you updated the minute I receive any more broadcasts on my honeybaked ham... at least until lunch time. After that, no promises that I will still have a working radio.


Monday, July 23, 2018

Tuesday, July 17, 2018


President Trump's (fill-in-the-blank) is nothing short of treasonous!

Trump's (fill-in-the-blank) was one of most disgraceful performances by a US President!

So the leftists are outraged at President Trump again, and I am supposed to care?

If the amount of caring about something could be quantified and categorized in degrees on a geometric ray displayed horizontally from left to right, whereby the left endpoint 'A' represents a total lack of empathy dedicated to a subject, and every successive point traveling to the right along the ray towards the arrowhead symbolizing infinity is a measureable increase in the amount of concern I feel
- I am never quite able to reach a "full capacity" of caring, as there is always a possibility for additional solicitude. If I were to declare, "I could care less" as my position on this ray for a certain topic, it would mean that I was dedicating some degree of burden, albeit potentially just an infinitesimal sliver('B'). If "I could care less", then by definition, "I care more than nothing". Maybe a lot more, in which case I could specify by stating "I could care tremendously less" which implies a simplified version as "I care"('C').

However,  with regards to the media and their "outrage at Trump" -  I am located at endpoint 'A', it means my level of "care" is a black void of total and utter indifference. That is to say that "I couldn't care less".

Tomorrow's lesson, a pie graph of "not giving a sh*t" and  "People who claim to give 110%". Please remember to bring your protractors. Class dismissed.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

a noble gas


Crop dusting?

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Brent Kavanaugh's Path To Confirmation

This is how he gets in...

Chattering Teeth News - Brett M. Kavanaugh needed 51 votes to become the Supreme Court's next associate justice, and with Republicans holding a 51-49 majority in the Senate, it sounded like a slam dunk. However, with Arizona Sen. John McCain off on sick leave and with Susan Collins of Maine and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska uncomfortable with Kavanaugh's refusal to outright guarantee he would not restrict or outright overturn Roe v. Wade if given the chance, it was clear during the senate confirmation hearings that his nomination would go down in flames.

The democrats were always going to vote as a block against any of the president's picks, and now with the fake Republicans Collins and Murkowski, they held the 51 votes to Bork the jurist with the frat boy name. Kavanaugh had promised repeatedly during the spirited process to follow the law of judicial precedent as it related to the democrat's unholy sacrament of abortion rights, and even offered to change his frat boy first name to more palatable gender-neutral name of "Merrick" or "Barrack".

At first, Coach K believed he was making headway. That is until Dianne Feinstein accused him of putting a pube on her Coke can which motivated Elizabeth "Pocahontas" Warren to initiate her war dance in full Indian headdress regalia. It was clear to all in the chamber that Kavanaugh was no longer a viable nominee and instead was an unwanted tissue mass and just a clump of cells to the democrats.

Thinking quickly, Kavanaugh eyed a near-term pregnant democrat in the audience holding a NARAL sign. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he grabbed the women and threw her down on his desktop. The stunned senators watched in horror as Brett performed a flawless partial-birth extraction of the fetus. He the plunged his pocket knife into the back of the baby's skull before completely extracting it by grabbing a tiny ankle and thrusting it towards the jaw-gaping senators.

"Nobody can tell me what unspeakable macabre acts of horror I can do with my body," Kavanaugh eloquently stated through his maniacal giggle. 

For a full 30 seconds, nothing could be heard on the senate floor except the echo of dripping blood from the now dead baby. And then the democrat side of the chamber erupted into raucous applause.

Kavanaugh was confirmed with 51 votes, getting the 49 democrat and independents as well as with the defections of Collins and Murkowski.


Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Political Pigskin

It's 2nd down and inches to go from the 50 yard line with 2 minutes left in the ballgame. You are down 2 points and your opponent has all of their time outs remaining. Since halftime, your halfback has been averaging 5 yards per carry and your quarterback has been flawless.

While there are no 100% guarantees, the obvious play is for a hand off to the running back and ramming the ball up the middle. Odds are good for a first down with plenty of time left on the clock. If not, there is always a 3rd down. Maybe a play action and quick throw over the middle. Keep 'em guessing. But what makes no sense at all is for the coach to call for a 65-yard field goal attempt on 2nd down and into the wind.

That's what Trump has done with this Kavanaugh pick.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

The 3 Witches of the Supreme Court

When ever I think of the 3 women on the Supreme Court, I think of the three witches from William Shakespeare's play Macbeth. And likewise, whenever I think of Macbeth's weird and wayward sisters, I think of Sonia Sotomayor, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Elena Kagan.

According to wiki, they "represent evil, darkness, chaos, and conflict... Their presence communicates treason and impending doom... They are not only political traitors, but spiritual traitors as well... They defy logic, not being subject to the rules of the real world." And that was the wiki page describing these present-day female judges (I think).

In fact, what I am about to show you MAY JUST CONVINCE YOU that TIME TRAVEL IS REAL!

The top image is of course our weird women on the SCOTUS. You might assume the bottom image is simply an artist's exact replication of this scene. You would be wrong. The bottom painting was actually completed in 1782 by Henry Fuseli and titled, "The Three Witches." 1782??? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!

But I digress. What I really wanted to blog about was President Trump's upcoming nomination for the SCOTUS. It will either be leaked Sunday or announced on Monday, so we won't have long to wait.

And my selection for the 2018 Supreme Court draft is... [mumbles incoherently]. What was that? I said, my selection for the 2018 Supreme Court draft is... Darko Milicic

This pick is more important than the Gorsuch selection (or even the 2003 Detroit Piston's draft pick). Trump wasn't going to do better than Scalia, and thankfully he picked an acceptable replacement. This time we need to gain ground in replacing the unreliable, namby pamby Justice Kennedy with a constitutionalist. There should be no more 'reaching across the aisle'. Rather, there should only be stepping on their throats and grinding in our heels.

Mike Lee should be at the top of all right-minded folks, but for some reason is not expected to be picked. Some speculate a deal was already struck with Kennedy. I hope not. Amy Coney Barrett would be my second choice after Mike Lee. Ultimately, Roe v Wade needs to be overturned. I refuse to join the crowd that suggests that's not possible. Well, maybe not tomorrow, but why not next week?


FULL DISCLOSURE: I studied Billy Shakespeare in college, so this is why you felt intellectually inadequate as I demonstrated my grasp of his little puppet show Macbeth. It was 1985 and I was in my second year at UM-Flint pursuing a BBA. I had to fill an elective humanities requirement, and a class on Shakespeare happened to be slotted on MWF and fit around my Statistics and Operations Mgt courses but still allowed me a lengthy lunch hour to shoot pool with my friends at the UCEN. How hard could thouist be or not to be?, thunkist I. I remember the book (which I barely cracked) was a thunderous tome and cost over $20! (a lot back then) The thing filled up my back pack and I could barely fit in the smallish CliffsNotes version (which I almost read in it's entirety). Either I didn't understand the deeper meanings or my professor was a communist (likely both), for I scored a D-. It was my only blemish and a lesson learned (never take a class requiring such a large book). The takeaway that you need to remember is that I studied Shakespeare in college.

As I was remembering this Shakespeare class, I noticed my eyelids beginning to droop. "Have I been hit with a tranquilizer dart again?," I mused... as I started going numb. I feeel... sooo... sleeeepy... Zzzzz.


EXTRA EXTRA! Researchers Have Found Two New Pages of Macbeth Exhumed From Under the Ancient Foundation of Shakespeare's Two-car Garage!

“By the pricking of my thumbs / Something wicked this way comes,” says one of the Weird Sisters as Trumpbeth approaches their coven

All hail, Trumpbeth, hail to thee, Thane of business. [past]

All hail, Trumpbeth, hail to thee, President of the United States. [present]

All hail,Trumpbeth, the destroyer of Roe V Wade! *gasp* [future].  

"Fair is foul, and foul is fair / Hover through the fog and filthy air" (sounds like Mad Auntie Maxine is approaching - and I awake with a start!!!)


Thursday, July 5, 2018

Montana Orange Dawg

The Make America Great Again Rally 2018 Victory Lap tour continues tonight at the Four Seasons Arena in Great Falls, Montana. I've never been to Montana. I hear there is a really big block of ice there. In any case, I am so looking forward to watching the clips when I get home tonight.

When I think of Montana, I can't help but think of an episode of Alias Smith and Jones from 1971 titled Night of the Red Dog. That episode was life changing to this then 10-year-old boy, as it exposed him to the card game called Montana Red Dog - which played a prominent role in the plot. My friends and I worked that game into our card game rotation with Buckets, In-Between, and sometimes traditional poker games. What else was I going to do with my paper route money?

Deal me in, and I'll bet the pot!  We have the Trump card!

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Happy Independence Day 2018

Yesterday, July 3rd is Koda's birthday, and this was the sad yet hilarious post by one of my daughter-in-laws. Koda used to live with us before our middle son got married but some things never change. Kind of reminds of the Ace Ventura shower scene when Ace realizes Finkel is Einhorn.

This movie is of course one of my 50 top 10 movies of all time. In it, Ace is tasked with finding the Miami Dolphin's mascot dolphin named Snowflake. Coincidentally, Ace is assuming the position that all snowflakes assume when President DJT takes to his Twitter feed or when the national anthem plays before a ball game.

Happy Independence Day, stay safe and remember to respect your pets and pet detectives hygiene practices during the show.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Chattering Teeth Exclusive with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Blade: Today I have the pleasure of sitting down with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the 14-year-old Latina upstart who recently defeated 10-year incumbent Joe Bag-o-donuts by an estimated vote tally of 116 to 80-something. Thank you for doing this - - may I call you Al?

Alexandria: You must call me Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, por favor, and roll your tongue on the Rrrr's.... And I am veintiocho aΓ±os.

Blade: So Al, congrats on the narrow victory over that white guy in the uneducated and majority Hispanic New York's 14th Congressional District which includes parts of the Bronx and Queens - though most folks don't know where that is.

Alexandria: I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps.

Blade: OK, let's talk policy then - What is this Democratic Socialism you so eloquently espouse? Free maps? Free college? Free health care? Free everything? AND THE POOR FOLKS IN THE BRONX ACTUALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF FREE STUFF?

Alexandria: I personally believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so that we will be able to build up our future for our children.

Blade: Wait... your policy platform seems familiar. Some would accuse you of plagiarizing Miss South Carolina from the 2007 Miss Teen USA Pageant.

Alexandria: such as?

Blade: Well, you've convinced me. Now I see what all of the media, hollywood and late night hosts are so fired up about. You are the most brilliant mind to come out of the socialist democrat party this side of Bernie Sanders, Nancy Pelosi or Maxine Waters. And your googly eyes are somewhat endearing. Good luck to you. This is going to be entertaining to us flyover folks.

Sunday, July 1, 2018