Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy Leap second!

Did you know that we get an extra "leap second" today? Apparently this is due to "the minute slowing of the Earth's rotation." Yes, I know. I was confused at first to and wondered why we aren't being given the entire "leap minute." I mean, just who is getting the other "leap 59 seconds"? Is there some new Obama time tax involved?

But then I understood that the co-authors of the article meant that we get a "leap second" today because of the mynoooot slowing of the erf's rotary. "mynoooot" as in "really really tiny". Next time use a spel check guys!

So back to the "leap second" thingy. The clock custodians, in their infinite wisdom, have conspired to withhold the extra second from us until the moment before the stroke of midnight tonight. Right at the tail end of 2008 and just a moment before welcoming 2009. The clock custodians couldn't give us this extra "leap second" in, say August when it could be better enjoyed by us Snowtards who chose to live in Michigan. Noooooooooo!

By the way, how the heck do you get to be a "clock custodian" anywho? I don't remember this option as a career choice whilest I was engaging in higher edumacated fancy book learnin' at the UnaVersace of Michigan. Maybe it's some sort of monk order birth line thingy. They probably wear the hooded brown robes and have taken an oath of silence, as they traverse the halls of their secret lair (which, if I had to guess, is behind the giant gear wheel workings of Big Ben.)

In any case, good riddance to 2008! I would have bolded that last sentence for emphasis had I any confidence that 2009 won't suck even worse. Why tempt fate? Still, we should learn from our past and look forward with "hope". (yep, I did go there. I mean hope in the biblical sense, not the political sense.). So I say goodbye to 2008 and hello to 2009. Hello, buh-bye!

I believe it was Socrates who said... "You say goodbye and I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello." And then he was immediately administered hemlock for this heresy. I think. Then again, you should trust my wisdom implicitly because if it can be said that anybody doesn't know anything for sure, it's me! (There. unravel that word-riddle in your free time, whydon'tcha).

But I digress. What were we discussing? Oh yeah, "Time"! "Father Time"; "The Timester", "The Timeinator!"

I believe it was the Greek philosopher Deskcart who said... "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. And if it doesn't fit, you better hope it didn't come from Wal Mart. Have you ever been through their returns line? Not the best dental plan I'll tell ya".

Bottom line, we get more time today to do with whatever we choose! I hope you enjoy yours. Everyone, synchronize our atomic watches.


I leave you with my time line of rock. (yes, there are plently more time-themed songs than my list. Feel free to add to it)

Rolling Stones - Time Is On My Side, Ed Sullivan (1964)

Time - Pink Floyd

The Zombies-Time of the Season

Styx - Too Much Time On My Hands

Bryan Adams - This Time

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Obama codename: The First Divet

I heard someone scream, "INCOMING!," and we dropped to the ground and curled up into the fetal position. One second, my friends and I are talking and smiling and enjoying the day. The next second all hell was breaking loose, as the incoming projectiles were crashing all around us. I peeked up to see my friend Mary sobbing, "Why waa waa waa why?," as she rocked back and forth, seemingly to the rhythm of the reports all around her.

The above is a Chattering Teeth dramatization of...
A first hand account of Hamas terrorists perpetrating rocket attacks on innocent Israeli citizens.
B) The messiah-elect warms up on the driving range before a round with a mix of Hawaiian high school pals and Chicago confidantes, scattering the pool of reporters with his miss hits.

If you answered "B", you are correct. Obama has been keeping the golf courses in Hawaii free for democracy.

From The Page:
"Obama, wearing sunglasses, a white shirt, khaki shorts, white and brown golf shoes, and a red baseball cap emblazoned with the City and County of Honolulu's Ocean Safety logo, drove down to the driving range."
...Obama, with a white glove on his right hand, spread the range balls out on the grass before putting an iron behind his back and stretching. Obama took three practice swings. His first shot was a ground ball straight ahead. His next shot went airborne but created a divet that Obama walked out to pick up and replace. After several more shots and one more replaced divet, Obama looked up to the pool and pointed at the photographers and reporters with his iron. The pool was then moved into the course's clubhouse.
So here is Obama, weed-whacking away with the club and sending sod (and an occasional golf ball) in all possible trajectories. He looks up and sees the press pool watching. He raises the iron (picture Moses raising the staff to part the Red Sea) and points at them, as if to say "Begone you unworthy scribes, for you are unfit to lay your pitiful eyes upon my chiseled pectorals and awesometudeness."

Sounds like The White Gloved One's golf swing more closely resembled a gyrating Michael Jackson trying to put out another hair fire than it did a Tiger Woods swing. I just hope the secret service agents were equipped with hard hats.

This episode may make it easier for the secret service to assign The One with an official codename for his term. Everyone knows that any self-respecting secret service agent wears a trenchcoat and dark sunglasses, and uses codenames when talking into his lapel. Ronald Reagan was referred to as "Rawhide", George H.W. Bush was "Timberwolf", and Clinton was known as "Eagle". Well apparently the eagle has landed. I suggest that Obama be assigned the codename "The First Divet". It sounds like a natural fit, as he was reportedly sending out "Blagojevich bangs sized" divets with each swing of the club.

Of course, The WaPo would still report it something like this...
"The sun glinted off chiseled pectorals sculpted during four weightlifting sessions each week, as Obama sent the golfball sailing into the sunset."

Somewhere, Chris Matthews is getting that shiver up his leg again.

Think you have a better codename for Obama than "The First Divet"? Well then, bring it!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Israel's got legs and she knows how to use them

The terrorists that are Hamas fired Iranian made rockets into Israeli neighborhoods for the last two years with no real Israeli response, and certainly with no "Arab outrage". Until now.

Peace is achieved through victory, not some United Nations declaration of some bogus negotiated two-state solution. Now Hamas will reap what it has sown. Meanwhile, "Ayatollah 'Cassius Clay' Ali 'ZZ Top' Khamenei", supreme leader and lead guitarist for the terrorist Iran regime, has issued a fatwah to Muslims around the world to defend Palestinians in Gaza against Israeli attacks "in any way possible".

The dynamics are now in motion for Israel to address the existential threat that is a nuclear Iran. There is no negotiated settlement in this that would be real. Israel can't afford to "hope" that Ackmadeendude and his clown-a-tollahs find true religion. Iran must be dealt with now and with overwhelming force. Wishing this were not the case will not change this reality.

The US may not be ready to publicly sanction Israeli military action against these insainiacs. However, it is hard for me to believe that we would offer any serious resistance to Israel's efforts in this (at least this pre-obama time frame). After all, Israel's fight is our fight. In fact, our grandchildren's grandchildren's money might be better spent on one big Iranian parking lot than shinier roads and bridges here that would one day be lined by Islamic road signs.

I have this vision of a blindfolded and chained Ackmadeenadude being duck-walked around the United Nations Headquarters in New York City by the former US hostages of his.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Dancing bees on drugs

NEXT on CSI-CT (That's "Crime Scene Investigation - Chattering Teeth division", for the Obama voter)...
Is the messiah-elect sending secret communiques to his cohorts through the use of dance? Did Obama's dance moves on his Ellen show appearance secretly send critical instructions to Blagoje-biotch about who to sell his senate seat to (as well as hair-styling advice to lose the squirrel growing out of his forehead)? The truth is out there people.

C'mon DaBlade! More rightwing conspiracy garbage. For the sake of argument, how much information truly can be passed on through dance?

You have obviously not had the pleasure of witnessing DaBlade's "robot", flawlessly executed during every dollar dance that I have ever thrown back the whiskey shot for. only once did a bride actually mistake my moves for a seizure (but she married me anyway, which was the message I was throwing down at the time!)

More proof? Well, did you know...
Scientists have known for some time that the honey bee's waggle dance communicates the location of food sources to the rest of the hive. Through a series of gyrations and vibrations that translate into complex vector calculus equations (sorta like Freestyle hip hop breakdancing), the dancer communicates his favorite pollen stash to his buds. It is unknown if the occasional waggle dancing bee will throw a fuzzy arm in the air, ala Tony Manero, for style points. More studies must be done on this, and I suggest they petition for a piece of that $700 billion bailout money to finance this important research.

Honey bees on cocaine (as well as politicians) tend to exaggerate.

Dancing Honeybee Using Vector Calculus to Communicate juxtaposed with Obama busting a move with Ellen.
You be the judge:

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Obama Brain Freeze

Now that NORAD doesn't have to track Santa for another year, all eyes, satellites, and microphones can once again be dedicated to The One.

The economy is still stupid; Israel is closer to moving on Gaza; Iran's Ackmadeenadude is still crazy; and Pakistan (or "Pock-ee-ston", as The Barry likes to pronounce it) is moving it's troops to the Indian border. Saber rattling and chest bumping take on a whole new meaning when both sides are nuclear powers.

So where is The One?
Eating shave ice and swimming with the dolphins on Waikiki.

SIDE NOTE: You know how some people get that brain freeze, or Ice-cream headache, from scarfing down that bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough surreptitiously freed from the freezer when their woman was in the other room? Well, I get the EXACT same headache whenever I think of Obama as POTUS.

Yes, I know he hasn't been sworn in yet and is entitled to a vacation at some point. It's just nauseating watching this charlatan Chicago thug getting the King Kamehameha II treatment in Hawaii when he could at least act like he cared that he is taking over in just a few weeks.

Then again, I remember when Obama slammed McCain for suggesting they cancel a debate and fly back to Washington to deal with the financial crisis. Obama: “I think it is going to be part of the president’s job to be able to deal with more than one thing at once."

...Aaaaand I have this Blackberry (pause) thaaat gives me updates (pause) on the Bulls.

Looking back, It was a masterful campaign move on Obama's part and made it look like McCain was trying to duck him. I think it was more about Obama belligerently stating that he cared more about his own presidential ambitions than fulfilling his job responsibilities as Senator. I also think he understands he is clueless as a problem solver and the lower the profile he keeps, the better.

Things are so gloomy now that it has libs rubbing their hands together with glee. As Rahm Emanuel puts it, "You never want a serious crisis to go to waste," presumably so you can use it to leverage people's fears against them (while they cement their power and turn this country into a socialist nanny state). When the "unedumacated" Obama voter finally wakes up, it may well be too late.

From AP Obama: Things suck. Isn't it great!
WASHINGTON – Barack Obama will inherit two wars and the worst economic conditions in three generations when he takes the oath of office on Jan. 20. Ironically, that challenge might be a blessing for the president-elect — unemployment is so high and consumer confidence so low that even modest improvements will let him claim progress.
Yeah right. Even modest improvements would be despite his best efforts.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon," replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Rubber Ducky, you're the one

From the rocket surgeons that brought you the "Escape of the tool bag during a leisurely space walk"....

Have You Seen a Rubber Ducky Near Greenland? Please Call NASA:
Three months ago 90 rubber duckies set out on a perilous adventure, sliding down deep holes in a Greenland ice sheet that were expected to carry them eventually out to the ocean. In an experiment designed to shed light on the gradual melting of Greenland’s glaciers due to global warming... The $2 ducks were chosen for their buoyancy and for their durability in low temperatures. Nasa is offering $100 to the first person who finds a duck. The toys are stamped with an email address and the word “reward” in three languages, including Inuit.

Really? Stick your head outside. Those duckies are frozen solid you dweebs! Seriously, is this our tax dollars at work? Isn't there some kind of dyes you could use for these bogus experiments? This is going to be embarassing if these rubber duckies stay locked in the ice sheet for a millenia or two, only to be discovered by some archeologists of a future advanced alien race (led here by a wandering tool bag and makeup kit that floated through their solar system). What will they think?

OK, now that I'm done criticizing, I need to pack. I'm going to bundle up in my snowmobile suit, hat, scarf, and mittens and find an Inuit tribe with spare igloo room that will take me in for a while on the Greenland ice sheet. I remember my dad used to tell me that whale blubber was eskimo children's candy. Looks like I'm going to find out.

Hey, times are tough and a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks! And my Sarah Palin doll doesn't float during my bathtime.
Don't miss this major motion picture, from the always disturbing individuals over at The Nose On Your Face.
Rod Blagojevich Stars In “Lord Of The Bangs"

Monday, December 22, 2008

Remembering The Waltons

I keep having this recurring dream. It's a variation of the television series The Waltons and I don't know what it means.

[Click pic for first season opening]

The Waltons aired my entire teen years (1972 to 1981) and I did love that show. Back in those days, we didn't have any "internets", so it was either watch The Waltons or play Monopoly again. What's that youngin'? What's Monopoly? It's a board game. Huh? What do you mean, "what's a board game"?

So the basic weekly plot lines as I recall, centered around a really large family that lived in abject poverty and squalor during the Great Depression, and all the entertaining hijinx that ensues from that condition. There was "Ma" and Pa" and a set of grandparents, plus about 42 children (I really can't remember how many children lived in that house, nor am I certain that Ma or Pa knew either). The only kid I remember was the eldest of the Walton tribe named John Boy. John Boy liked to write in his journal, and it was these journal entries that made up the telling of each episode. What's that youngin'? What's a "journal"? Just think of John Boy as a blogger without the computer.

So anyways, back to the dreams. There really isn't much more to tell. I dream I'm on Chattering Teeth Mountain, chopping wood or driving a Model T car around a two-track country road leading nowhere. There are chickens strutting along the roadside, and there is a lot of corn. The Mountain folk are dressed like Amish, except for me. I am wearing Lederhosen. Did I mention that I'm mayor of Chattering Teeth Mountain?

Don't ask me what it all means. All of the residents of CT Mountain are poor, but they are all happy. They don't have the possessions that we take for granted - or that we feel are required. No iPods, no cable TV, no Nintendo wii. But they do have their Bibles and their faith, and everyone worships God and is thankful to Him for all of their blessings.

I know... it's crazy. Dreams are crazy that way sometimes. Let me know if you make any sense out of it. In the meantime...

Goodnight John Boy. Goodnight Sarah Palin. Goodnight Joe the plumber. Goodnight Rush Limbaugh. Goodnight Hillary. Hillary? Hey! Get off my mountain!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Obama & Pastor Warren: peas and carrots

PICTURED: Richard Simmons joins Pastor Rick Warren at Lord Obama's inauguration and Woodstock concert.

Simmons was a last-minute invite, as Obama finally caved to gay pressure groups upset with his Warren selection.

Evangelical pastor Rick Warren has accepted The One's invitation to do the convocation at his inauguration, and radical Gays are having a hissy fit. Warren is pro-life, but is mainly under fire for agreeing with Obama on opposing gay marriage. That's right! Obama and Warren are like "peas and carrots" on that issue.

WARREN: Three years ago I took enormous heat for inviting Barack Obama to my church because some of his views don't agree with mine. Now he's invited me.

OBAMA: I remember thaaaaat day. Uhhh... It was a strange church service. (pause) Like nothing I haaaad ever experienced. Aaaaand Not once did Pastor Rick blame our country for terrorism. There was nothing about chickens coming home to roost, aaaand there was not one "G-- D--- America!" Uhhhh... Thaaaat just didn't feel like worship to me.

WARREN: "You don't have to see eye to eye to walk hand in hand."

Obama defended his choice on Thursday, saying that he has also invited Joseph Lowery, a Methodist minister and civil rights leader who supports same-sex marriage and gay rights, to deliver the benediction.

LOWERY: "You don't have to see eye to eye to consumate a prison relationship. In fact, it works better that way."
I had wondered why Obama has insisted on an increased presence in Afghanistan when his campaign hinged on reaching out to the fringe leftwing peacenics, promising them America's defeat.

And then I saw this headline: 2 1/2 tons of marijuana found in Afghan school

Hmmm. We'll know more if Obama has squinty red eyes, is eating Doritos and giggling during Pastor Warren's inaugural invocation.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Bush Dodges everything journalist can dish!
[Click image and see for yourself]

Just where ARE those secret service agents?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Camelot Caroline

New York Senator Caroline Kennedy. Doesn't it just roll off the tongue? The democrats have ALWAYS been style over substance. That is their essence. I'm sure Caroline's intentions are good. After all, it is the liberal good intentions (albeit with disasterous results) that is their opiate for the mindless masses.

Politico's Ben Smith says, "Kennedy 2016". "...having amazed the pundits with her ability to step on and off charter jets in Rochester and be friendly to members of the City Council, will be an automatic top-tier candidate for president.


"The Lady of the Lake (named Hillary), her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite (and legs clad in a pantsuit) held aloft Excalibur (her NY Senate seat)from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence (Mayor Bloomberg?) that I, Arthur (Caroline), was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king QUEEN."

...Anything’s possible in eight years:
Nothing would be finer than a nepotism cage match between the Clintons and Kennedys for the nomination while Chelsea and Michelle Obama inevitably eye Senate runs of their own.
"Be quiet. BE QUIET! I ORDER you to be quiet!"
Powers Catholic manhandles Davison, 3-0, in hockey
Powers just kept plugging away and got second-period goals from defensemen Steve Adams and Joe Carlson to beat its biggest rival for the fifth straight time.
Hey. Isn't that Joe kid a Davison resident? I'm sure it felt great beating your hometown team that has more than a few ex-travel mates and school chums. I'm sure you make your old man proud!


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Pantophobiacs Unite!

Downturn Spurs 'Survival Panic' for Some in the US:
In the coming months, mental health experts expect a rise in theft, depression, drug use, anxiety and even violence as consumers confront a harsh new reality and must live within diminished means.

"People start seeing their economic situation change, and it stimulates a sort of survival panic..."

LUCY: Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypengyophobia. How about cats? If you're afraid of cats, you have ailurophasia. Are you afraid of staircases? If you are, then you have climacaphobia. Maybe you have thalassophobia. This is fear of the ocean, or gephyrobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges. Or maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?

CHARLIE BROWN: What's pantophobia?

LUCY: The fear of everything.


I guess I'd better collect my things and prepare for the worst. It's critical that in times like these, you only take the absolute necessities for survival. Separate the wheat from the... err... stuff that's not the wheat. Why take your digital camera in the post-apocalyptic world?

So please excuse me while I pack my backpack. I don't need anything except this furry hat with the floppy ears and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this furry hat. And this walking stick, the furry hat and the walking stick and that's all I need. And this backpack full of Campbells soup. The furry hat, the walking stick, and the backpack full of Campbells soup, and that's all I need. And my S&M Barbie. The furry hat, and my S&M Barbie, and the soup and the walking stick. And my 25 lb. pet rock I found. The hat, the stick and the soup and the rock and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this chair.

What's in YOUR survivalist backpack?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

"That shoe throw was a little too pitchy for me dog”

"This is a gift from the Iraqis; this is the farewell kiss, you dog!," yells an Iraqi reporter, as he throws his dress shoes at our president.

Just a few more random thoughts on this topic...
Arabs consider calling someone a "dog" as harsh. American Idol judge, Randy Jackson, is quoted as stating, “I’m sorry dog, it just didn’t work for me. That throw was a little too pitchy for me dog”.

Hitting someone with a shoe is a deep insult in the Arab world, signifying that the person being struck is as low as the dirt underneath the sole of a shoe. MISSING YOUR TARGET BY TWO FEET FROM SIX FEET AWAY IS CAUSE FOR DEEP INSULTS ON THE AMERICAN PLAYGROUND TO THE THROWER!

Hey Al-Zeidi. That was really a lame-@$$ throw dog. Is THAT all ya got? Does your husband throw shoes too? C'mon dog! Get the shoe out from under the burka a little cleaner next time!

O.J. Simpson heard about this incident from his jail cell, where he is serving a 16 year sentence for kidnapping and robbery. He stated, "Were those ugly ass Bruno Magli shoes? How much does he want for them? I really miss mine."

Prime Minister al-Maliki called the shoe throwing a "a shameful savage act" and demanded a public apology from Al Baghdadia, the independent satellite channel that employs Zaidi. I could have sworn he was from CNN. Then again, I'd be surprised if there are any CNN "journalists" wearing dress shoes instead of their hippy sandals.

Throwin' shoes...

The shoe thrower is now under arrest with the Iraqi military command in Baghdad. A top secret American interrogator has been called in to do the questioning. He is an American golfer by the name of John Daly. He was slow to arrive at the military compound, as his carry-on full of golf shoes with metal spikes and Budweisers kept setting off the airport metal detectors. "Tools of the trade," Daly said. "Now that we know what really sets these clowns off, I was asked to bring my work shoes over and give this dirtbag a taste".

In Conclusion:
So I have had a little fun regarding this "Shoegate" thang for the past two days. You may think I take this event lightly, or that it's a big joke. That I somehow have joined ranks with the likes of the wingnuts over at Daily "Wac"kos and the Huffing"glue" Post. Au contraire, mon amie. I think the shoe thrower should rightly be interrogated, tried and imprisoned. 16 years in the spiderhole that was his hero Saddam's hideout may give him a little gratitude for the sacrifices made by our brave troops and this great country.

I'm sure everyone remembers that Cosmo Kramer looking dude with the shoe bomb. President Bush is a man's man, standing in the pocket and looking potential danger in the eye without blinking. I have no doubt that, if push came to shove, he would kick Putin's @$$ in a bare-knuckled brawl. I'm going to miss this great man occupying the Oval Office. We have all been the safer for it.

Let these weenies throw their shoes. We'll keep raining American Grade-A ordnance on the terrorist's heads.
Tennis shoes thrown over power lines have always been associated with gang activity.

So let's send our shoe-throwers to Iraq to take on their shoe throwers. We kill two birds with one stone.

Monday, December 15, 2008


The big news of the day *yawn*:
An Iraqi journalist throws his shoes at President Bush and yells, "It is the farewell kiss, you dog"! I would have loved to see W respond by nailing this guy on the chin with one of his Texas cowboy boots.

"Soles of shoes are considered the ultimate insult in Arab culture. After Saddam Hussein's statue was toppled in Baghdad in April 2003, many onlookers beat the statue's face with their soles."

I find it odd that Arabs consider "all things shoe" as the ultimate insult. In fact, "shoe insults" rank higher than "decapitation". Then again, nothing could start an American playground brouhaha faster than your opponent stating, "your momma wears army boots." Now THEMS fighting words.

I seem to recall Bush 41 mispronouncing "Saddam" as "Saa-Dumb" in the leadup to the first Gulf War. It was considered the ultimate insult because the translation meant "boot licker". It is less widely known that Bush's annunciation of "Hussein" was interpretted to mean "Uday and Qusay wear red stiletto high heels under their traditional Iraqi garb". Kuwait was invaded a short time later.

The Czech Republic also has what we westerners would consider a weird tradition involving shoes. If a man wants to divorce his wife, there is a ritual that must be adhered to. He must announce his intentions by stating, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee," and then he throws dog poopy on her shoes. At least according to Steve Martin's "wild and crazy" swingin' Czech character.

But I digress. As for the Iraqi shoe throwing journalist, Bush was said to have stated, "If you want the facts, it was a size 10 shoe that he threw, and thankfully made of camel toe hide. I'm just glad his wife wasn't here or I would have been dodging horse shoes."


Debbie Schlussel grades the players in "Shoegate" this way:
Bush Gets "A+" for Shoe-Dodging; Secret Service Gets "F"; Thrower Tries Out for New NFL "Dearborn Jihadists"
Whoever headed this shift needs to be reassigned to checking fake currency in South Dakota. Not only did the guy succeed in throwing one shoe at the Prez, but had time to "reload" and throw the second one, too. And his aim was perfect and unfettered each time (great passer--get him a tryout with the new NFL Franchise that will replace the Lions, the Dearborn Jihadists).
That is an excellent point. Certainly, we need our presidential body guards to be gunslingers, but when lesser force is required, they ought to be adept as "shoeslingers". Had these agents been trained at this skill, at the first sign of trouble from this Iraqi journalist, he would have had 10 pairs of keds winding around his head like a tetherball wrapping it's post.

Is there an American female youth in training somewhere in farm flyover for this eventuality, or is she part of a shoe throwing domestic terrorist group?

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Dealers (and brother) defending Detroit

Email request from my brother:
"Though a bit lengthy, this is well worth your time... Perhaps you might post it (on your blog) in full, or part?"

Hey, you're one of my big brothers and I was raised not to defy you (under penalty of a serious a## whooping). Here it is "in part", with a link in the intro to the full article.

Incredible editorial from a Ford Dealer in the Pittsburgh Region....Attached is a well written "Letter to the Editor" from Elkins Fordland:
Editor: As I watch the coverage of the fate of the U.S. auto industry, one alarming and frustrating fact hits me right between the eyes. The fate of our nation's economic survival is in the hands of some congressmen who are completely out of touch and act without knowledge of an industry that affects almost every person in our nation. The same lack of knowledge is shared with many journalists whom are irresponsible when influencing the opinion of millions of viewers...

Jim Jackson on Fox News

Friday, December 12, 2008

Does Rush read CT?

Is broadcast guru and doctor of democracy Rush Limbaugh one of the 50+ daily closet Chattering Teeth readers?

Let me show you why I think he may be. First, this little diddy from none other than Reverend Jeremiah "Punxsutawney" Wright, who recently popped up from his gopher hole at The Trinity Church in Chicago:

"Today is December 7th, the day that this government killed over 80,000 Japanese civilians at Hiroshima in 1941, two days before killing an additional 64,000 Japanese civilians at Nagasaki by dropping nuclear bombs on innocent people."

Uhhhhhhhhhhh.... December 7th, the day that lives in infamy and all, was actually the day that Japan dropped bombs on US at Pearl Harbor. But don't worry about your error. Details kill. If you get too far into the weeds on that pulpit of yours, if you produce a 1,500- or 1,600-word sermon, you're going to get hung up on all the details and we're never going to get to your principles - that being your hating America. (hat tip to Tom "Puff" Daschle)

Anyways, back to my assertion that The Great Mr. Limbaugh is a CT reader. My lunchbreak started like many others yesterday. I jumped in the car, Took out my S&M Barbie from the glove compartment and seat belted her in the passenger seat, and tuned the radio to Rush Limbaugh's program.

Rush was talking about "Punxsutawney" Wright's blunder, and had this to say:
Here's how the Chicago Tribune reports it: "Noting the date, Dec. 7, which marks the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in 1941, Wright instead chose to focus on the thousands of Japanese civilians who died four years later when the US dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima." (laugh track) It's a sitcom, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, forget the fact that the Obamas listened to this guy. The exigencies of national politics had rescued them from Wright's silliness. This is just hilarious. "Wright chose instead," as though he knew what he was saying was wrong...
I almost choked on my peanutbutter and jelly sandwich when I heard the laugh track and the comparison of Wright's blatherings to dialog from a TV sitcom. I could tell by the look on S&M Barbie's face that she had caught the reference also. It was I, after all, that first made this Wright comparison back in April to a sitcom (complete with the laugh track), but I was more specific as I compared Wright and Obama to Sanford and Son. "I'm coming Weezy!" (hat tip to The One)

"So Rush inserts a laugh track one time on his show. He's not the first to do that. All that proves DaBlade, is your narcissistic habit of linking to yourself repeatedly."

But he did it many times over the course of his broadcast yesterday. There was also this quote from David Gergen, interviewed by CNN's Cooper Anderson, comparing Obama to Truman: "He was an honest man who came out of a corrupt system, and I think that we've always regarded him as one of our best and most honest presidents, so I think it's unfair to say to that about Obama, because he comes out of this milieu, which has a lot of this corruption, that he himself, he seems to have come out of this with a lot of innocence. (laugh track)"

Coincidence you say? Maybe. But consider his own words...

RUSH: ...that doesn't sound like laughter? Well, you know why it doesn't sound like laughter? It's because we had to download it from the Internet because our sound effects guy can't be found. Oh, you got a couple more? Here, let's just audition the laugh tracks right now, play a couple more. (playing of laugh tracks)

Ah ha! he pulled the laugh tracks from "the internets", isn't it also possible that he lifted the idea of associating Wright to a TV sitcom from yours truly? One more piece of evidence is a comment in that now famous Chattering Teeth Sanford and Son post, "PIC-PIC said...Blade, I hope you don't mind but I emailed El Rushbo about this and kinda gave him permission to use this. So please don't sue him if something like this shows up on his program. You are getting too good!!!"

Still not convinced? What do you think comes up number one (of almost 70,000 hits) on a google search of "Wright laugh track"?

So I'll end today's lecture with a welcome to Rush out there in the cyber-audience. Rush, you officially have my permission to use all you deem worthy from your loyal 24/7 fans here at Chattering Teeth. "What's that Barbie? uh huh, uh huh. Barbie says we wouldn't be upset with a link back if you insisted."

Blago V Drago

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Are Blagojevich tapes enough evidence to convict? A better question is, does the typical Obama voter even care? I suspect the answer to that is "no", even if The One's fingerprints are found on Blagoje-biotch's buffon hairdo.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


PICTURED: This is NOT Illinois Gov. Rod Blagoje-biotch, but just some other scalper trying to sell a seat to a Red Sox game. As far as we here at Chatteringteeth are concerned, the accusations that Illinois Gov. Rod Blagoje-biotch stood outside the capital with a sign reading: "need a senate seat" are unfounded, unconfirmed, hearsay, gossip, rumor, inuendo, and possibly not even true.

Welcome to potpourri Wednesday.

[THIS] Obama pledges not to smoke in White House. So he's going to go out on the patio? What's 20 secret service agents huddled around him on the White House veranda going to cost us taxpayers? Will the agents sue our already bankrupt government for second hand smoke damage? After the news regarding Illinois governor Rod Blagoje-biotch, Obama must be chain smoking today. (Who knew there was fu**ing corruption in Chicago politics?)

[THIS] I read that Oprah is back to 200 pounds. I haven't seen her in a while, but I think that's terrific that she lost some weight again. I believe it was Oprah who first called Obama "The One". Does this now make her "The One and a Half"?

[THIS] Man arrested after cops find crack in his vomit. I guess it could have been worse. Better for the police to find "crack in your vomit" than the other way around. *sigh* No sense sitting around waxing nostalgic for them college days...

[THIS] Bandits in Drag Make Massive Jewelry Heist at Harry Winston in Paris. Brings to mind a different visual than say Clint Eastwood or John Wayne (or even Al Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon...) Have criminals lost all self-respect? Can we get a little dignity back when committing felonies please? We're not juveniles here, so how about a little more maturity! As an aside, "Harry Winston" is the legal name of my special purpose.

[THIS] When I first read the headline: Bank to give credit to Chicago plant, I thought to myself, "No wonder we are in such a financial mess!. Unless, of course, the plant in question is a Rhododendron. As everyone knows, Rhododendron's are a much better credit risks than Azaleas. (or actual sub-prime borrowers for that matter)"

[THIS] Dems, White House agree to $15B auto bailout. There will be an overseer of the money, or "car czar". Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, said that Obama would be able to replace any car czar when he takes office Jan. 20. I'm thinking senior advisor David Axelrod for the post. I just think it would be cool to say, "there goes the car czar Axelrod". Obama, Frank, and company holding the purse strings and running GM. Talk about the fox in the henhouse.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Shopping for the wife

This will be my wife and my 22nd Christmas celebrated in marital bliss and I still have major problems finding the right Christmas gift for her (or birthday gift - anniversary gift - any gift for that matter). I think this is because buying the right gift requires something called "shopping". As an aside, an anagram for "marital bliss" is "Bail Arm Slits", but that has nothing to do with the price of tea in China. I would certainly not infer any relationship between those two concepts. I just found it peculiar. But I digress. Where was I?

Oh yeah. Shopping. I really do treat it like a military operation. Plan the entry point; get in; acquire the gift (identified in the the newspaper ad with the item circled by the spouse for easy identification); have an exit strategy and get out!

Sometimes the wife doesn't give me clear instructions and a cheat sheet with the store and item. Rather, she makes the mistake of giving me a "concept" of what she would like. In these cases, I am forced to adopt the "go it alone" shopping strategy. In this strategy, there is no time to consider such a thing as "price". If you find an item that even remotely resembles the wife's description, just GET IT! You already know there is somewhere across town where this item is on sale, and that you are an idiot for overspending. You get that. That's just part of the battlefield landscape you are given no choice in. So go with it!

On the rare occasion I have found myself in the mall with the wife, she always wanders to the perfume counter, dragging me on her heels. "Smell this" she'll say, as she is already spraying a different scent from a different miniature bottle onto a different part of her clothing. "Smell this one now," she'll say. And then the dreaded utterance that requires a response, "which one do you like better?"

For you young fellas: Don't even TRY to answer this question. It is a trick question. I'm not even sure that your lady can tell the difference between all of those mixed up perfumes... Nah, on second thought she definitely can tell the difference. Woman have extra smell cells or something.

So you go back to the mall without the spouse in hopes of buying the right perfume (hey, you're not a complete idiot! You got the hint from her as loud as if she would have screamed "BUY THIS FOR ME!"). You find the maze of perfume counters and immediately feel like a rat trying to find the right turns that will reward you with cheese. You stumble up to a counter where you are 60% sure is the correct vendor (hey, better than 50%! Can she expect better than those odds?). The saleswoman is like a shark with blood in the water. It is a veritable feeding frenzy, as she somehow convinces me that I would be an idiot if I bought just a small bottle of perfume. NO, I had to buy this scent in powder, lotion, gaseous, and solid forms, all boxed up in a gift box that required me pulling the car around and backing up to their loading dock.

This year will be different. I have learned from my mistakes of the past. This year I have found the perfect gift that will also surprise her. I know it's the perfect gift because professors from Purdue University are saying so. They have apparently discovered seven different bat species and two turtles, and they are auctioning the naming rights.

Purdue has a gift idea for you: Name a new species of bat:
Would you like to name a bat species for a family member or friend this holiday season, and help support important environmental research and conservation efforts?

This unique species is a rare family member of the little yellow bat, the smallest known bats in the New World. They weigh less than a tablespoon of water, and are sensitive environmental sentinels of their habitat.
The wife will be so surprised and finally realize I'm not the clueless shopping idiot she takes me for. So next time you find yourself trekking thru the backwoods of a Brazilian rainforest and you stumble upon a little yellow bat, say "hi" to "Mrs. DaBlade" for me.

Monday, December 8, 2008

President Bush meets with Barbara Streisand without preconditions

BLOG KEY: Barbara Streisand = ("B.S.")
B.S. joins Morgan Freeman, country singer George Jones, dancer and choreographer Twyla Tharp and musicians Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey of The Who as this year's recipients of the Kennedy Center Honors.

"The honors recognize individuals who have had an impact on American culture through the performing arts, part of the living memorial to President John F. Kennedy."

"Impact on American culture"? You mean like a planet-killing comet? (hat tip to Freeman's work in the movie Deep Impact). And as much as I like The Who, does "Momma's Got A Squeezebox" really justify a White House culture awards ceremony?

The White House is still home for President Bush and family (at least for a few more weeks), and I have to wonder why he didn't put his foot down and state unequivocally that there would be no B.S. allowed.

My blog staff tells me not to say this, but I’m going to say it anyway. you could literally smell B.S. coming into the White House. It may be descriptive but it’s true. (hat tip to Harry Reid, for his "smelly tourists" inspiration)

Don't misunderstand, I'm not suggesting that B.S. should be waterboarded for her ignorance (although this thought HAS to have crossed the president's mind). I'm simply stating that she should have been left off the A-list. I will say that I do enjoy visiting B.S.'s website on occasion for her "thought of the day". How's that for an oxymoron?

I send my CSI BS squad to her posts and they have yet to uncover any clues that she has ever enjoyed a worthy and intelligent thought. She is a far leftwing nutjob partisan hack. Here is a jewel from her latest post (11/5):
After 2 stolen elections, this time, in this election over 57 million Americans made their voices heard. I am so proud of our country today… miraculously overnight we have regained the respect of the world. From England to Africa, people are celebrating Barack Obama’s victory…
Yikes! I'm so happy that, just like First Lady messiah-elect Michelle, she is finally "proud of her country." And the respect thingy from the rest of the world. Very important. Maybe the islamo-terrorists that recently targeted Americans, British, and yes, "Jews" in Mumbai haven't gotten this great news.

B.S. is quoted as saying that, "Art transcends politics this weekend". I think she is overestimating her talents in both arenas. I hear that B.S. is also a singer and an actress. Yeah sure, just like Michael Moore is a "documentary film maker".

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Obama to SPEND us out of crisis

The entire Obama plan outlined in this Politico piece titled, "Obama unveils 21st Century New Deal" was captured in Drudge's headline link in all caps: JOBS, ROADS, BRIDGES, SCHOOLS, BROADBAND, ELECTRONIC MEDICAL RECORDS, ENERGY.

Nothing further needed to be said. SPEND, SPEND, SPEND!

Hey America. We're going to party like it's your birthday!

Let me spend a second here to remind you all that the economic crisis we are spending time dealing with was caused by over-spending and living beyond our means. Therefore, Obama's brilliant "change" solution is to spend us out of this spending crisis. Whew, I'm spent!

Democrats proverbially twisted banks' arms through Fannie and Freddie, because "everyone has a right to a home" regardless of their ability to pay for it don'tchaknow. Barney Frank and cohorts were running their own version of the popular TV show Extreme Makeover, trying to build a house for everyone. But the sponsors footing the bill for this show are you and me (assuming that you are also one of the "rich" who pays taxes).

So let's look closer at what is in Santa Obama's goodie bag.
ROADS AND BRIDGES: “[W]e will create millions of jobs by making the single largest new investment in our national infrastructure since the creation of the federal highway system in the 1950s. We’ll invest your precious tax dollars in new and smarter ways, and we’ll set a simple rule – use it or lose it. If a state doesn’t act quickly to invest in roads and bridges in their communities, they’ll lose the money.”
"...pledging the largest new investment in roads and bridges since President Dwight D. Eisenhower built the Interstate system in the late 1950s..."

I'm sure there won't be a "problem" of states "not acting quickly enough" in slopping from the trough.

I'll see your boondoggle and raise you a Hoover flag.

Why doesn't Obama just demand that carmakers design cars that don't use roads and bridges?

Democrats could tie this string to their bailout money. They could just add this requirement to all of the other requirements and CAFE standards demanded upon them that handicap their ability to compete. This would save us from having to spend any more money on roads and bridges. Of course, these "George Jetson" mobiles would have to be hybrids of some sort. Goes without saying.
SCHOOLS: “[M]y economic recovery plan will launch the most sweeping effort to modernize and upgrade school buildings that this country has ever seen. We will repair broken schools, make them energy-efficient, and put new computers in our classrooms. Because to help our children compete in a 21st century economy, we need to send them to 21st century schools.”
And we all know that spending money on brick and mortar for our public schools will increase our children's knowledge. That's why you are sending your kids to private school (hey! Just like me!). Listen Obama. We all know how you got elected ( All Democrats have a need to keep the voting public ignorant and victimized, which is in direct conflict to "help(ing) our children compete in a 21st century economy." But I have to admit that - as a soundbite - it sounds good! Very eloquent and superfluous of you! (My, my. isn't that young man such a good communicator? I truly believe in "hope" and "change", and I feel he really cares about us. *sniff* ... Hug?")

There's more in his goodie bag -blah blah blah, but I get depressed thinking about Obama for very long stretches at a time, and I have reached my limit for the day. I'm starting to see Obama playing Steve Martin's charcter (Navin Johnson) from The Jerk. Specifically, the scene where Johnson, pants around his ankles, duckwalks around picking up random items. just replace the original items below with one of these terms [ROADS, BRIDGES, SCHOOLS, BROADBAND, ELECTRONIC MEDICAL RECORDS, ENERGY]

"...I don't need anything except this. [picks up an ashtray] And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair."

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Satriani and Coldplay: chocolate in my peanutbutter

Joe Satriana is suing Coldplay, accusing them of stealing his song. Is Coldplay's Grammy-winning "Viva La Vida" really just a knockoff of Satriana's "If I Could Fly"?

Coldplay Plagiarism (?)

I stumbled upon Satriani's "Surfing with the Alien" CD many years ago and immediately took to it. I purchased "The Extremist" after that, so I guess you could call me a Satriani fan. My oldest son (the college boy) is a Coldplay fan. I just hope that this copyright infringement lawsuit doesn't drive a wedge between my son and I.

So did Coldplay steal from Satriani? I don't know. I'm not musically talented and would have no clue what the odds are for two bands to find these same rythyms independently. What I do know is what I like, and I like Joe Satriani playing guitar WITH Coldplay. Best of both worlds, in my opinion. Like chocolate in my peanutbutter.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Franken is a ballot short of a full recount (if you get my drift)

As of Wednesday night, Norm Coleman led Al Franken by 316 votes in this Minnesota Senate race with 98 percent of the ballots counted.

That's all I got from this article before my eyes started to glaze over. I mean, there was talk of 133 disenfranchised mystery voters and ballot challenges. But with the dems supermajority no longer at stake (and this being about Al Franken), who outside of Minnesota would care? Maybe the three or four libs that actually listened to his boring a(blog edit) radio show - but I'm betting they're ice fishing this week.

Then I see this: Al Franken's campaign is calling for the "systematic forensic search" of a Lutheran Church used as a polling station on Election Day in hopes of finding 133 missing ballots.

Whenever Franken is in the news, I always think of him from the old SNL "Weekend Update" skit where he plays a field reporter live-feeding his signal via satellite dish strapped to his noggin. I always visualize the stupid dish floating above Stuart Smalley's vacuous skull, sorta like the big cartoon cowboy hat floating above the characters in the Arbys commercials. Not because he has ever made me laugh, But because I believe him to be dangerously deranged. Assaulting and desecrating this church for votes should remove all doubts on that.

Certainly, Obama should be able to find a suitable post for this nutjob in his administration. Permanently affix the dish thingy to his head with some bolts, put him in a dingy off the shores of Somalia and have him search for the pirates. Or Franken could be plugged into the grid as a mobile hostile missile launch detector for the defense department. Nah, that would assume both the administration and Franken himself give a high priority to national defense.


I got it! Franken could be Obama's first supreme court appointment. I don't think he would be any crazier than Ruth "Buzzi" Ginsburg.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Oh My Christmas Tree

PICTURED: 4 boys enjoying a hay ride on their way to secure the Farkle family Christmas tree. Admittedly, one of these boys appears to be enjoying this ride more than his cousins. Either that, or his scarf is a little too tight. (Hey fellow Farkles - I have many more pictures from our adventures this year :)

Three Farkle family brothers, our wives and 8 kids went on the traditional Christmas tree hunt the day after Thanksgiving. It was a lot of fun, regardless of the sour expression on the youngsters face above. We don't get to do this as a family every year any more because of busy schedules and other lame excuses.

I love the look and smell of a real Christmas tree in the house. Reminds me of my youth. I tend to cling to tradition (as well as my gun and religion). In fact, until a few years ago I was still putting the tree in a pail surrounded by rocks - just like my dad used to do. Until... the incident. *dramatic pause and leaving as a cliff-hanger*

The point is - a live and thriving Spruce tree that is soaking up the rain and the sunshine and growing in the field is never truly happy until it is freed from it's condition (with our help and the help of a jagged-toothed saw), tied on the roof of a car (leaking it's sappy life's blood from it's stump) it's lifeless corpse erected in a warm house and decorated with colorful lights and ornaments.

In the spirit of Obama's election and the "born alive" abortion legislation, I vow that if the tree I cut down somehow survives this ordeal (rootless and decapitated) I will free it back to the field.

My day was made merrier and brighter when I thought of this video during the search for our special tree...

The Michigan economy may be in a "downward climb", but the live Christmas Tree farms are thriving - according to this Detroit News article:
Michigan's multimillion dollar Christmas tree industry apparently is off to a strong start with retailers and tree lots reporting decent weekend sales, according to industry experts.

The weekend following Thanksgiving is the unofficial start of the fresh-cut Christmas tree season. Marsha Gray, executive director of the Michigan Christmas Tree Association, polled tree farmers Monday, and they reported higher-than-average sales...

Historically we see that when the economy is a little rough, people tend to buy live trees," she said. "That's because they're staying home and not traveling.
Michigan. We may not manufacture cars much longer, but we still grow trees here!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Crisis solved!

Links from You're The Man Now Dog

Ben Bernanke's Magic Currency Generator
Problem solved!

Bernanke Saves Wall Street
(the chairman formerly known as) Bernanke passing out the goodies!

Arnold and Picard duel banjos
In the "just because" department. Seriously, who wouldn't want to see that?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Abortion Operation: the new board game for libs

NEW from Chattering Teeth Toys - A board game that's fun for the whole family social group of individuals living under your roof! Ages 9 to adult (fetuses through 8 don't get to play - HAHAHA!).

Everyone remembers the original Operation game of skill and precision, with the object being for players to take turns extracting funny plastic body parts from Cavity Sam without touching the sides with the forceps and setting off the buzzer. NOTE: Remember kids, the buzzer represents "nicking an artery" on your patient, Cavity Sam, likely causing him to bleed to death on your table (Ha Ha!). "Sorry Mary, looks like you severed Sam's carotid artery going for the Adam's Apple! Pass the forceps, it's Johnny's turn now!"

Now comes the sequel - Abortion Operation. Cavity Sam does not return, as he has apparently run off with a hooker from Vegas. However, Sam's big-nosed ex-old-lady is here, and she is carrying Sam's unwanted tissue mass! Lucky for you that Egocentric Sally has decided it's not real convenient for her to carry this tissue mass to term. Pass the forceps, we're going in!

Players take turns on Egocentric Sally by removing, or attempting to remove, the fetus. Remember kids, don't touch the sides of Sally's female parts! They are all there solely for the purpose of satisfying her sexual promiscuity and nothing more!

LITTLE JOHNNY: "Hey announcer guy, this bloody game part you called a "fetus" thingy looks like a baby!"

ANNOUNCER GUY: Not so fast Little Johnny. It is not really a baby until it has successfully evacuated from Egocentric Sally's uterous "born alive". Oh wait, according to Barack Obama, you still have a right to finish it off. infanticide smanticide! Stick those scissors into the moving fetus Johnny! Celebrate Egocentric Sally's "right to choose" and other made up liberal "rights" while having fun dismembering the fetus for 1000 points!

But don't stop there! Grab yourself some extra points by giving Egocentric Sally some improvements. Get +200 points for giving her a successful breast enhancement procedure; +100 points for varicose vein removal; +25 points for a nose job; +1000 for a manicure. Yes, Egocentric Sally's middle name is narcissist, but why be redundantly repetitive by stating the obvious again and again repetitively? She's a liberal after all.

But wait! Abortion Operation is not just a game for Godless libs! This is a game for all Obama voters to enjoy, including you CASINO Catholics (Catholic As Stated In Name Only).

ABORTION OPERATION was the number one seller this Black Friday weekend! Games were flying off the Wal Mart shelves faster than a bad check from a Democrat. Hurry and get yours today!

Shop at Chattering Teeth Toysthis Christmas holiday season (or "winter solstice" if you prefer).


More gifts from Chattering Teeth Toys:
Name an abortion after someone with the International Abortion Registry

Palin's PET Farm set

Monday, December 1, 2008

Obama filling out his team of "Bad News Bears"

It's a long and painful process to watch Obama filling power positions and cabinet posts with his lib pals and Clinton cronies. It's sort of like watching the Detroit Lions in slow motion on draft day over the last few decades. You know in advance that the team is a loser, and any new and promising players they select will eventually only add to their (and your) woes.

You don't like my analogy? The Detroit Lions may not have spent the last twenty years "worshipping" in a racist church or paling around with terrorists, but they have set the football bar of futility as low as it can possibly go (0-16?). It is my prediction that the Obama administration will share this bar of futility. I hope I'm wrong about that, I sincerely do. But then again I root for the Lions every year. *sigh* Look where that gets me.

Let me make one thing clear - As a Michigan resident and a self-described Lions fan, I do not feel an obligation to apology to the rest of the football nation for being subjected to the Lion's Thanksgiving debacle. I do not buy tickets to their games, nor do I purchase Detroit Lions licensed merchandise of any kind. In other words, I do not financially prop up this Ford-owned regime, assuring it's continuation. That responsibility sits squarely on the shoulders of those of you who do.

Likewise, I do not take any responsibility for the disaster that will be these next four years under Obama. I didn't vote him and I refuse to take an ounce of blame for his buffoonery because I am an American. However, unlike the Lions game in which I can turn the channel on the TV, I will find it impossible to ignore the fallout from Obamas "third and outs" and multiple fumbles and interceptions.

The American voters threw a "hail Mary" pass of "hope and change" this election cycle because of the economic meltdown in the financial markets. With Obama's election, the pass was intercepted by the same team that caused this economic crisis, yet 53% of the fans don't get it.

Tailgating before the game:
A large chunk of the 53% that make up the Obama voter is proudly displaying some type of pro Obama bumper sticker on their vehicle. It's like they are walking around wearing a sign that says "Hey, look at me! I'm ignorant!" Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the warning. I would expect this on every mini two-door hybrid that also had peace signs on every window and was filled with thick dope smoke. But many of these vehicles are otherwise normal looking. I wonder how long it will take before they start ripping them off their own cars in embarrasment when it is completely obvious (except maybe to those hybrid driving dope smokers) what a clayhead we have elected.

"Clay"head. Reminds me of the Detroit Lions owner, William Clay ("Clayhead") Ford. See how we've come back to the Lions full circle? Ford has owned the team since 1963 and they have been from bad to horrible ever since. His latest experiment of Matt Millen as GM brought us these memories: Coach Marty Mornhinweg and quarterback Joey Harrington. *ouch*

That's been the Lions biggest problem. Failure to accurately assess talent. Games are won in the trenches. The offensive line (domestic policy) and the defensive front line (national security and defense). Sound familiar Obama?

The part of Lions coach Rod Marinelli is being played by Rahm Emanuel as White House chief of staff. Other top Obama draft picks to make you cringe and look for a bag to put over your head: Secretary of state, Hillary Rodham Clinton; Tom Daschle, secretary of Health and Human Services; Bill Richardson, Commerce secretary...

"With the first selection in the 2008 Presidential draft, the United States picks Barack Obama, quarterback from the streets of Chicago." BOO!!!!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Shuttle cuddle scuttled

Chattering Teeth Space Station Exclusive!: From sources close to this reporter (yes, I'm talking about the voices inside my head again).

Apparently, the feel-good "Thanksgiving in space" story yesterday that reported the ten astronauts enjoying a warm and friendly meal of freeze-dried turkey together was an exageration. While factually true, they were not happy with Heidi's latest exploits. You may recall that astronaut Heide Stefanyshyn-Piper made headline news in mid-November when she lost a tool bag on a spacewalk repair mission.
NOTE: She claims it was an accident, but is it a coincidence that the tool bag (purse) just happened to clash with the Neoprene-coated Nylon layer of her space suit?

Well she evidently has done it again! NASA had planned on surprising the crew with a real roasted turkey meal for the occasion, but these plans were scuttled when Heidi took it upon herself to pardon the Shuttle bird. She was found by the open bay door with a glazed look on her face and drool on her chin, mumbling over and over, "fly turkey, fly!"

An astronaut wishing to remain anonymous stated, "Yep, we were really supposed to enjoy a meal of fresh roasted turkey with all the trimmings and washed down with a fine Chianti. Thanks to Heidi, all we got was a bag of dehydrated crap and a glass of our own piss."

The story has a happy ending though, as a needy family in Edmonton, Canada received this surprise fully cooked turkey dinner delivered right to their doorstep.

Thursday, November 27, 2008


...from all of us here at Chattering Teeth!

Dablade plans to spend a quiet day sharing a turkey with his new S&M Barbie. May you and your loved ones (or plastic facsimiles) share loads of happiness! and pumkin pie!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Of Pirates and Holiday Natives

I'm sure you've already rolled over this story from LaLa Land:
"Claremont parents clash over kindergarten Thanksgiving costumes"

For decades, Claremont kindergartners have celebrated Thanksgiving by dressing up as pilgrims and Native Americans and sharing a feast. But on Tuesday, when the youngsters meet for their turkey and songs, they won't be wearing their hand-made bonnets, headdresses and fringed vests.
You have to laugh. Don't get me wrong, DaBlade is very much unhappy that the libs will be in control unchecked, and I readily admit that it is easier to laugh at these yahoos when they are in the minority. But I can't help it... *giggle* Liberals say the darndest things! Hilarious!

One lefty mom had this to say:
"Dress(ing) up as pilgrims and Native Americans is demeaning... I'm sure you can appreciate the inappropriateness of asking children to dress up like slaves (and kind slave masters), or Jews (and friendly Nazis), or members of any other racial minority group who has struggled in our nation's history."

Pasadena Closet Conservative postules that "Perhaps someday the Libs will stop insisting that Thanksgiving is a racist tradition that supports negative stereotypes".

I believe I may have a compromise and a way to bring us together. How about the crumb crunchers and their parents being allowed to dress up as Pilgrims Somali Pirates and Indians "Holiday Natives"?

If "HOLIDAY" is good enough to replace Christmas, it should be good enough to replace the traditions of Thanksgiving. Happy Holiday! Holiday Tree. See the synergy?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Leatherheads 2, The Obama administration

Coming to a theatre near you: Leatherheads 2, The Obama administration

I love the title to this article. Obama using bully pulpit to tackle economy. Tackle the economy indeed. I have the mental image of a 90-pound weakling Obama in an oversized football helmet, running as fast as his skinny legs will carry him. He hits the tackling dummy (methaphor for economy stupid) full steam and bounces straight back onto his seat, helmet twisted so that he is looking at an ear hole.

Obama of Oz is pulling all kinds of "economic stimulus" levers behind the curtain in an attempt to "soften the economy's fall" with another promised trillion here and there, but the best part is that he does this under cover of fault or blame during the transition period. Not that blame would ever come from his NY and Washington media partners, or that they would allow outside criticism to stick.

"Obama has said repeatedly there can be only one president at a time, and has kept a relatively low public profile... That changed at his news conference Monday, when the president-elect pressed for passage of a multibillion-dollar stimulus plan aimed at creating jobs, easing the home foreclosure crisis and rescuing the struggling auto industry.

The article quotes some insignificant "historian" who hinted that the recent stock market plunge made it necessary for The One to jump into the nearest phonebooth to don his cape, ala Superman, and come out to save the day. "Had he not gotten involved, the potential for really disastrous shifts in the economy were all there," (insignificant historian dude) said.

The Messiah-Elect makes us this promise: "It's going to be costly".

There. Don't you feel better now? Who cares what it costs, Obama is going to pay for my gas and mortgage. All he has to do is tax the rich to pay for all of these handouts.

WHAT!? Obamasan is talking renege on this?

HOW CAN THIS BE? All campaign season, he talked "hope and change" and sticking it to the rich. He hasn't even taken the oath on the (insert holy book of his choice here) yet, and he is backtracking on this promise?

With all the bad news we get every day, at least we could take comfort and solace in the fact the Obama would let the Bush tax cuts expire (read- TAX INCREASE) causing those above us on the economic ladder to slip and fall. Their misery would be our comfort. That's why 53% of us yahoos voted for this clown, am I right again?

He was winking when he said this, right? I mean, if he lied to us about punishing the rich, did he really mean it when he promised to retreat and surrender the war on terrorism immediately? What about closing Gitmo? We are banking on him following through on this pledge and allowing these misunderstood religious youths their freedom to take up arms against us again. What about his garauntee to immediately sign the FOC Act so that we could count on the continued and increased slaughter of our unborn?

His "jolts to the economy" will have the same effect as a crack ho's heroin injection (between the toes to hide the needle marks). God love ya, what am I talking about? Let's all stand up for Obama and his "economy tackling" (and crack hos).