Tuesday, September 29, 2015

A Bottle of Kentucky Bourbon Replaces Mitch McConnell

Party officials who have been pressuring Mitch McConnell to step down as Senate Majority Leader have learned that he ALREADY HAD RESIGNED back in January and was replaced by a bottle of Kentucky Bourbon!

Nobody noticed this McConnell doppelganger was Senate Majority Leader because someone had pasted a picture of a cartoon turtle on the bourbon label and propped it in his chair. The bottle also had one of them electronic audio greetings card chips with a small speaker fastened with bubble gum on the back, and a motion detector (like one of them ceramic front porch frogs) that would play one of these random pre-recorded quote from Mitch McConnell whenever anybody walked by:

Let me repeat. There will be no government shutdown.

Just give us a Republican president.

We are going to crush the Tea Party everywhere.

We have passed more amendments than any before us... and I am not a tortoise.

"How in the world were we supposed to tell the difference?," stated Rand Paul. "This bottle of bourbon has offered just as much resistance to opposing Obama's destructive agenda as the real Mitch McConnell."

"While this golden amber iteration shares the faint vanilla undertones as the original and a bouquet reminiscent of our Kentucky home, it has a much better finish."

SHOCK! It was this blog BACK IN JANUARY where we accurately prognosticated that John Boehner would step down and be replaced as Speaker with an orange-dipped artificial 8' Fire Retardant Weeping Willow Tree as the new speaker of the House.

Compromise reached. Boehner out as Speaker, fake house plant in. 
In what most are calling a sideways move...
"The people have made it clear they want us to get things done," said Boehner. "I'm hopeful this tree can pick up leadership of this party where I left off."

In many ways, the two are very similar. John Boehner has cried so frequently on the job, he is quietly referred to as "The weeper of the House", so the gag nickname nameplates need not be changed...
However, unlike the original Boehner, we don't have to worry about this artificial 8' Fire Retardant Weeping Willow Tree spontaneously bursting into flames during its frequent smoke breaks.

While I did accurately predict that Boehner would suddenly resign, I was off on the timing by 8 months. It's true that the plastic-leafed weeping willow has not yet been sworn in as Speaker, but rest assured it is just a matter of time. The GOP establishment will likely get its way.

This Chattering Teeth News blog reporter had a chance to catch up with this finicky ficus while posing as a janitor by brooming a 2-foot tall pile of Boehner's cigarette butts (a whole week's worth) down the chamber hall. I found this potted plant standing in a corner all alone. I am currently engaged in writing a 3-novel series on this encounter which I expect to have complete by the winter of 2018. I am, however, able to share this teaser with you now:

ME: *whispering* Pssst... Hey plant! Me again. Remember last January when last we spoke? I stood leaning casually against the wall near your corner whispering questions and you answered me through a sort of telepathy directly to my mind so as not to alert the passers-by of our clandestine meeting?

PLANT: I remember you. You're that lederhosen-wearing reclusive conservative blogger from Chattering Teeth. How can I help you?

ME: Any word on when you will be assuming the Speakership?

PLANT: No, but it can't be much longer. I am the obvious compromise establishment replacement. I am younger than Boehner, and actually tested 10 IQ points higher. Oh, and I have deep roots in this community.  With me sworn is as the new Weeper of the House, and that bottle of Kentucky Bourbon leading the senate, there will be no stopping us getting things done for the American people.We'll promise to repeal Obamacare by pulling it up, root and branch!  Then we'll take a nap.

ME: Are you surprised the original John Boehner hung around for as long as he had?

PLANT: No, not after he discovered that bottle of bourbon had surreptitiously replaced Mitch McConnell. Boehner spent some quality time with that bourbon, and it has been rumored he replaced the original contents with his own urine.

ME: Well, that would explain Rand Paul's earlier taste test results.

Unfortunately, that's all the time we have for today. Just take comfort our government is in such capable hands.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Happy Toe Nail Clip Day (the last Saturday in September)

North Korea executed 3 people for watching South Korean soap operas
They were killed to send a message to others about what happens when people "get caught up in corrupt and depraved ideologies and go against the party to watch such video content," a source claimed, citing a party official.

Kim Jong-un, just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any crazier, you go and do something like this... AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!!

Maybe if we can get that communist Bernie Sanders elected, we could get this kind of sanity in our country. And with soap operas  eradicated once and for all, I might one day be able to say, "for the first time in my adult lifetime, I'm proud of my country."

OK, so I'm just being 'feces' again, stating the exact opposite of what I mean in an attempt to use sarcasm to make a point. Nobody in their right mind would advocate a State executing it's citizenry for watching soap operas. In my Utopic world, that kind of capital punishment should be reserved for those guilty of only the most heinous of crimes against humanity. Namely, if one is caught watching The View.

I do find it curious that my linked article never mentioned WHICH South Korean soap opera these three unfortunate individuals were caught watching. It may have, but I rarely read to the bottom of any linked article (especially my own), as I lose interest, start to daydream and/or clip my toe nails....

*clip* *clip*

I'm sorry, where was I?

Oh yah. I just think if we knew the titles, it might help explain things. Perhaps they were watching Pyongyang Place, a story loosely based on the American TV series, Peyton Place. Instead of opening credits with a church and a tolling of bells, the town square, a rolling brook, and a panoramic view of the picturesque and quaint town of Peyton Place - there is the tolling of rifle shots and a panoramic view of a notorious NK prison camp of misery and despair.

Or maybe Instead of General Hospital, they watch General Tso's Hospital? As the DMZ World Burns? The Young and the Restless Dictator? One Life to Torture? The Guiding Candle Light (due to the lack of electricity in this socialist utopia)... ok, that's a stretch, even for me.

So in conclusion, freedom and liberty is not only discouraged, it is punished harshly. And I'm not even talking about NK anymore. Just ask Kim Davis.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Today on Meet the Press...

TODD: Should a Pope's faith matter? Should your faith matter to Catholics?

POPE: Well, I guess it depends on what that faith is. If it's inconsistent with the values and principles of The Church, then of course it should matter.

TODD: So do you believe that Islam is consistent with the Catechism of the Catholic Church?

POPE: No, I don't, I do not. I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of The Church. I absolutely would not agree with that.

But I do think that Ben Carson would make a terrific El Papa!

PROGRESSIVE PUNDITS: Nowhere in that back and forth does Pope Francis stipulate that he is talking about a certain radicalized strain within Islam. Religious bigot!We heard you, sir! 

We interrupt this satirical blog post to bring you this very important message from the CEO, CFO and all-around BMOC of the Chattering Teeth Blog, Jerry 'DaBlade': 
Ladies and gentlemen... and confused transgendereds. You may be thinking the above fake interview seems a little familiar. That's because it is the exact interview between Chuck Todd of Meet the Press and Presidential hopeful, Ben Carson, with just a few key words changed.

Mr. Carson answered in a similar way that he would not 'advocate' a muslim president, and a liberal firestorm ensued. "THAT'S AGAINST SOME CONSTITUTION ARTICLE THINGY THAT FORBIDS ONE HOLD THAT OPINION!!!," some progressive twits wrongly stated. 

It's true that Article VI, paragraph 3 of the United States constitution states “no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.” This has nothing to do with Mr. Carson stating his opinion. It's one I share, and apparently so do many others based on the recent boost to his coffers.

What does that have to do with your ridiculous analogy using the Pope above?

Thank you for that nonsensical interjection, mister disembodied progressive voice and disenfranchised mind. Hypothetically, Pope Francis may or may not hold the opinion that a muslim should not be Pope. Technically, a non-Catholic male could be elected Pope, but he would have to be immediately converted to Catholicism, ordained as a priest, and consecrated as a bishop before becoming Pope.

This seems about as unlikely as an America-hating, anti-Semitic, muslim sympathizer of questionable national origin being elected president of the United States and suddenly converting to a believer and upholder of our Constitution and our rule of law.

Update: Pope Francis finally finished washing Mooshell's feet.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Pope Francis' Visit (so far)

Tuesday, Sept. 22

4 p.m. - El Diablobama meets El Papa (Dope greets Pope) as he arrives at Joint Base Andrews.

Despite Obama's promise to the Vatican that he would not make a circus of the Pope's visit by having a greeting committee of America-hating anti-Catholics, Obama showed up with his family anyways.

4:15 p.m. - The Pope offers his ring to Obama to kiss. The Pope's ring is also called the Piscatory Ring or Annulus Piscatoris. The ring is part of the Pope's regalia.The Pope’s ring is also commonly referred to as the Ring of the Fisherman. The Pope is the leader of the Catholic Church and the successor of Saint Peter who used to be a fisherman before he became Christ's disciple.

Instead, Obama offers the Pope his own ring he had made from his college Allah Muslim Arabic Ring. "I got your fisherman right here," Obama was overheard saying.

5 p.m. - In a symbolic display, Pope Francis washes the feet of the First Family. Things become tricky when he gets to Mooshell. In order to avoid a diplomatic incident, he insists on completing the job.

Midnight - left foot completed.

 To Be Continued...

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Clock Boy accepts Obama's invitation to the White House

It's OUTRAGEOUS in this day and age when a muslim schoolboy can't take a homemade briefcase clock to school without being arrested!

Obama tweeted: ''Cool clock, Ahmed. Want to bring it to the White House? We should inspire more kids like you to like science. It's what makes America great.'

Ahmed Mohamed plans on cooking up something special for the Obamas with his new halal-friendly pressure cooker clock invention.

Friday, September 18, 2015

This blog is no longer hungry

McDonald's investor wants it to cut antibiotics in all meats

Hmm... This might hurt the planned rollout of ...

The McPinkeye with Cheese
behold our sumptuous, THREE POUND sear-sizzled injected beef patty smothered in a treatment of sensationally sweet penicillin and tetracycline special sauce, sliced pickles and two slices of Limburger cheese, on a toasted Genetically modified gluten-enriched bun!

guess I'll have to stick with the box of deep fried McChicken Knuckles.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

GOP debate winners and losers

This is how I scored it. This first tier are candidates who I would enthusiastically vote for (at this point) and in order of preference (not in order of debate performance, but overall Chattering Teeth support). In parenthesis are the "under-card" debate participants (I watched them both). They all had solid debate performances last night IMO. Santorum and Jindal were both on fire at the early debate, but with a field of only four (and considering the other two pathetic participants) they had more oxygen to breath. Ted was brilliant, as usual, calling out obama as the world's leading financier of islamic terrorism. Cruz also in the short line of candidates supporting Republicans reclaiming the "power of the purse" and not preemptively surrendering to obama (as has been the case).  I loved Jindal's statement, and I'm paraphrasing, that we should just get rid of the Repulican party if they can't even defund Planned Parenthood at this point. I AGREE, BOBBY! As for Santorum, he invoked Reagan's Eleventh Commandment in admonishing Bobby's Trump-centric scorn, stating attacks on fellow Republicans only helps Hillary Clinton. I hope Santorum gains traction. I forget what Walker said (which might be a problem of his) but I like this dude cuz "he has done it."

Ted Cruz
(Rick Santorum)
Scott Walker
(Bobby Jindal)

This middle group is interesting to me. These folks are in my middle group because I question their conservatism and they have some work to do to convince me. I absolutely think Fiorina, Huckabee and Rubio knocked it out of the park last night. Trump didn't hurt his front-runner position, while Paul and Carson were uninspiring and dropping. Although I will say that Rand may have helped himself with the "dope smoker isolationist" niche. His best line came when he was called to weigh in on a Trump-Carson disagreement regarding vaccinations, and Rand says, "You mean you want a second opinion?" This was an obvious slight to Trump by disregarding his opinion as even counting, but then his answer seemed to align more with Trump's, which I found odd. I really liked Huckabee's refrain that we can't afford another person who "doesn't know what they don't know," and was powerful in his defense of Davis and the "criminalization of Christianity." Hmmm... I might need to consider moving Huckabee up a couple pegs...

Marco Rubio
Carly Fiorina
Mike Huckabee
Donald Trump
Ben Carson
Rand Paul

Candidates who have no chance of inspiring me to even bother to go to the polls. Christie was the clear winner of this group. I agreed with his substance and style, but unfortunately I have seen enough of him to know who he really is. I wonder if the backroom money establishment types will continue to stick with "The Jebster" after another luke warm performance. As for my bottom three of Pataki, Kasich and Graham - they should immediately concede, drop out and apologize for even running in the first place.

Chris Christie
Jeb Bush
(George Pataki)
(John Kasich)
(Lindsey Graham)

How did u see it?

UPDATE: Go to Z's place. There are a lot of smart people weighing in on this. I had to include my comment from there because I made myself laugh again.

Based purely on the question regarding what secret service name they would pick for themselves, I liked Ted’s answer of “Cohiba”. Winner of the under-card debate was Jindhal, when he stated we should just throw out the Republican party and start over if these yahoos can’t defund Planned Parenthood after those videos (I’m paraphrasing again). I LOVED that. Winner of the main event (based on poll bumps) was probably Carly. 

OH, I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING! Between the debates, CNN staged a phot with all the candidates from the kiddie table and the main debates. Jindhal was the only no show. I wonder if that was purposeful? Were it me, I would have wandered onto stage late, wearing an obama mask and holding a selfie stick.

I did find that plane in the background somewhat distracting.

Monday, September 14, 2015


...we will still be here on October 1st.

I know that's going against the new conventional thinking and I am going out on a limb here. How embarrassing will I be if the September-whatever blood moon crashes into Earth and takes down our power grid!? Or man-made global climate change causes temperatures to fluctuate and become unpredictable in the next week or two? Call me an optimist, but I believe our survival will extend several weeks more than what some of these fringe predictors of September doom proclaim. 

It's not like I don't see the writing on the wall, people. It's hard to miss, as I do enjoy coloring on the cafeteria walls with crayon.
And while I do hate to be judged mental, I just think those people who pick September 28th as the apocalypse are CRAZY. 

 Benjamin Franklin "coined" the phrase, "time is money". If that is the case, there is no doubt we are living on borrowed time and borrowed shillings. The economy is as wild and unruly as Bernie Sander's hair, and it will collapse. It's unavoidable. This debt level is unsustainable. No amount of hair gel can hold it up. Nor toothpaste, for that matter (which is what my friends and I use on our scalps).

This massive borrowing and spending against the future is like when you give up gnawing at your indestructible wrist restraints and just chew right through the forearm. Oh sure, you might get a few minutes of rambunctious freedom playing and running through the front yard hedges, but at some point the men in white coats will catch you, or you'll pass out from blood loss. But I digest.

As for other potential dangers on the horizon? It is a mathematical certainty that in the future there will be devastating earthquakes, volcanoes and floods, with the occasional asteroid for good measure. I mean, it's even possible that Joy Behar may not always be on The View (*HORRORS!!!*) Sorry for that last one, but I do think we need to be prepared.

But September 28th? Really looney tuners?

It's not that I have anything against preppers, per se. I actually AM a procrastiprepper myself (I'll get around to it). I'm just not nutty enough to give myself this false September deadline. How batcrap whacko does one need to be for that?

So I'm thinking maybe October 3rd of next year might be a date to be concerned about. In the meantime, Live it up! I hope you dance! Just not in front of the TV set. The View is starting in the community room.

Friday, September 11, 2015

It's 3AM and the phone rings in the White House Situation Room. Trump's hair stirs awake.

CT NEWS: I would like to welcome Hillary Clinton to the Chattering Teeth Bunker and Studio, and thank her for agreeing to this interview. Critics have called your campaign uninspired and boring. Opinion polls continue to show a drop in your favorability. You have been called aloof and wooden. But something seems different about you now...

HILLARY: Is it the Double-Buhhda sized flannel? I did hire Al Gore's image consultant from the 2000 campaign. And I have been working with Al Franken doing mirror exercises trying to act likeable and approachable. Now before we proceed with this interview, you need to get behind this rope. 

CT NEWS: Let's talk about this suicidal Iranian deal. You are on record as supporting this.

HILLARY: In dealing with Gorbachez, Ronald Reagan used to say, "Trust, but verify." Certainly not as effective as my RESET toy button approach with the Russians, but whatever. My approach with Iran will be, "Untrust, and verify." See how I did that?

CT NEWS: Ronald Reagan also called Iran part of the axis of evil.

HILLARY: Then I will call them the un-axis of evil... or something. Just rest assured I will invoke Reagan's name in a thinly veiled and condescending attempt at pandering.

CT NEWS: But I thought this deal allows the Iranians to inspect themselves. Where is the verification?

HILLARY: The deal with Tehran must be enforced with vinegar and Evian rinse. *Clinton aid whispers in her ear* errrr.... I mean, enforced with "vigor and vigilance". Sorry 'bout that. I was thinking about another problem of mine.

CT NEWS: In that case, I'm all for self inspections.

HILLARY:  Wash THAT server clean with a cloth! The letter "l", followed by the letter "o" and ending with an additional letter "l", but all in caps.

CT NEWS: I can certainly sense your new spontaneity and carefully rehearsed casualness. It is very refreshing.

HILLARY: I ain't no ways taaared.

CT NEWS: Getting back to Iran...

HILLARY:  I have a long history of confronting bad behavior and dealing with bad actors. Look at who I married.

CT NEWS: So you're suggesting throwing large ashtrays at Khamenei as a deterrent?

HILLARY: I was in charge of putting down the "Bimbo Eruptions", so I'm sure I can handle any "Ayatollah Eruptions."

CT NEWS: You were also Secretary of State on this day in 2012, when our embassy in Benghazi was attacked and Ambassador Stevens and three others were killed by islamists and presumably while you were napping. One of your big campaign slogans in 2008 had to do with the dreaded "3AM phonecall", where you tried to make the case that you would be on top of any late night crisis. Since we now know better, is that why you dropped the whole 3AM phonecall thingy?

It's 3 A.M., The phone rings in the White House

Jindal: Speaking of squirrels... Trump ‘looks like he’s got a squirrel sitting on his head’

CT NEWS: Hey! How did you get in here? Nevermind. That's all the time we have today. This is DaBlade for CT News, signing off. And let us never forget.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Kickapoo U

Free School!!
Washington — President Barack Obama will visit Macomb Community College on Wednesday to tout the use of apprenticeships to rebuild the U.S. workforce (?... I thought obama already fixed that?)  and plans to make community college free for the first two years.

Uhhh... "free for the first two years"??? Isn't that all there is? Exactly how many years does it take for a 'progressive' to earn a "two-year" Associate Degree from a "two-year" Junior College? What about the students who are into their 3rd thru 6th year toward their Transgender Studies degree? How are they supposed to pay for THAT mister obama?

While there, obama wielded his executive authority in renaming Macomb Community College to Kickapoo U, in honor of the Kickapoo Indians who lived in the area in the 1600's.

Just for fun, obama then re-named 'Detroit' to 'Poo' in honor of what the democrats have done to this once proud city.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Labor Day. Somehow I don't think it means what you think it does

Awesome. Obama uses his pen and phone to increase the number of Americans to get paid for not working.

OBAMA: These evil corporations and the Koch brothers need to learn a lesson. There are still too many Americans who are forced to work in order to receive a paycheck.

Let us never forget the true meaning of Labor Day under a democrat regime.

Record 94,031,000 Americans Not in Labor Force; Participation Rate Stuck at 38-Year Low for 3rd Straight Month.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Pledge of non-allegiance to the Republican party

Well, since (mouth) Rinse Prissbutt and the RNC are so focused on "Pledges", I thought I'd offer mine:

 “I, DaBlade of Chattering Teeth, affirm that if a true conservative is not the 2016 Republican nominee for President of the United States, I will NOT endorse the 2016 Republican presidential nominee regardless of who it is. I further pledge that I will quite possibly vote for an independent or write-in candidate if the 2016 Republican nominee is Bush, Christie, Graham, Kasich, (and a few others to be named later).

Baleeeeve dat.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Obama stares down Glacier - "Oh no you di'int!"

Headline of the day -

In climate bid, Obama stares down Exit Glacier

SEWARD — President Barack Obama stared down a melting glacier in Alaska on Tuesday in a dramatic use of his presidential pulpit to sound the alarm on climate change.

Awesome! "The High One" stared the Exit Glacier into submission! Such is the magnificent power of The High One's glorious gaze! (Of course, Chattering Teeth News has learned of a potential secret side deal with the Glacier, allowing it to continue to recede due to the laws of nature).

Using my master of disguise (A Polar Bear clinging to an iceberg) I was able to score this exclusive. I asked obama what he was pondering, as he stood at the front of the boat and aimed his glorious gaze off the starboard bow.

OBAMA: "I was just thinking that when I booked this on my schedule, I thought they said a vist with Kanya West. But Kenai Fjords national park is cool too. So when does Ice Cube show up?"

There are 616 officially named glaciers in Alaska. As of today, Obama has 505 days left in office. I am willing to give The High One the benefit of the doubt regarding the power of his stare to stop glaciers in their tracks - but only if he promises to continue his climate study by visiting a glacier per day for the remainder of his reign.

PICTURED: As you can see, this force of nature is clearly GROWING and EXPANDING, not receding.

 But enough about DaBlade's increasing waistline from the cruise ship feed bag buffets last month. In the background is Hubbard Glacier. This glacier is also GROWING and EXPANDING, and I'm left to conclude it is because of the power of my gaze. The fact that it was growing for hundreds of years prior to the willful stare over my coffee cup shouldn't matter, since Obama doesn't mention the fact that the Exit Glacier has been receding for hundreds of years before his bicycle helmetless boat ride.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Trump's Mt McKinley Casino & Resort

Trump promised yesterday, per his Twitter:

President Obama wants to change the name of Mt. McKinley to Denali after more than 100 years. Great insult to Ohio. I will change back!

However, after having slept on the problem, he instead built a new 1620-Story skyscraper next to the mountain. The new Mt. McKinley Casino & Resort becomes the world's tallest building by a factor of about ten, and standing at 30,250 feet tall, is 12 foot taller than the mountain Obama just re-named Denali.

"Now maybe Boehner will stop sobbing," said Trump.