Friday, April 29, 2016

The Jerk & The Drunk

Failed ex-Speaker and drunkard, John Boehner, likened Ted Cruz to the devil on Wednesday, calling him ‘Lucifer in the flesh’ (that is assuming he read Trump's text correctly through his beer goggles...)
Boehner described the other two GOP hopefuls, Donald Trump and John Kasich, as his “friends.” Boehner said he has played golf with Trump for years and that they were “texting buddies.”

Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friend Johnny Boehner, and... uh... my thermos.

Yes, some of you like-minded arrowheads may recognize the scene in my meme above from the movie The Jerk with Steve Martin, and you may also remember I am a fanboy of same. Hey, it's only the greatest motion picture of our time.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Mellow Yellow Moore

Obama is coming to Flint?
*lip quiver* IF ONLY... *tear ducts filling*... he would grace us with his planet healing powers! *gasp*

Michael Moore says would drink own urine before Flint water in Obama rant
"Finally, after months of us begging you to come to Flint, you've decided to visit next Wednesday," said Moore in an April 27 post. "I know this will make many people happy and grateful. But, as one who voted for you twice and was thrilled beyond belief over your election, I'm sorry to tell you your visit is too little too late."...

Moore argued there is no more need for politicians to visit the city, promises of testing, or "token digging up of pipes" with water flowing through of which he said "I'd drink my own piss before I'd drink that out of that sewer."

My prediction: Michael Moore will be chugging Obama's urine and pleading for more before he departs from his Flint photo-op visit.

Water Blob Beast Spotted in Flint

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Tiny Shrimp-like Creatures Lacking Advanced Brains go for Trump and Hillary on East Coast

Tiny Ocean Animals Get "Drunk" on Algae, Act Crazy

Even tiny ocean animals get soused—and not just in seawater. 

A common species of plankton in the northern Atlantic Ocean becomes intoxicated when it slurps up toxic algae, a new study says.

And just like drunk partygoers, "drunk" plankton take questionable risks.
"They’re eating something that is changing their behavior.”  
Buhleave me.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

30 Year Honeymoon Just Gettin' Started

Hold your left hand in front of your face, fingers together with your palm facing away. Now using the pointer finger from your right hand, tap the nail of the left hand's pinkie finger. That represents God's country right here in lower Michigan.

Still trying to get "un-wine-ded" from the great weekend get-away with the love of my life. We drove up last Friday and stayed at a B&B nestled between the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore and just south of Leland. I can't do the review of the Snowbird Inn any justice with my word thingys and the limited time I have right now, but this blogger's review sums it up very well.

Thank you, Lisa! It was a pleasure being your very first guests of the season.

Tina and I spent Saturday on the Leelanau Peninsula Wine Trail traversing the wine-ding roads (see what I did there?) through the beautiful rolling hills of the orchard's and vineyards. The first touristy wine trail event isn't until this weekend, so the crowds were fairly sparse - but that just meant 'a little bit more for Santy Claus... a little bit more for Santy Claus...'

We only crossed paths with one wine bus full of drunk women at the Leelanau Wine Cellars in Omena, but other than that it was clear sailing. We also popped in for a quick peak at all five Catholic churches we came across on the trail. These churches either got progressively more beautiful, or my dry red rose-colored glasses were getting foggier and foggier.

Before I knew it, it was Sunday and time to head for home. We didn't even hit half of the 24 wineries on the Leelanau Peninsula (nor was I ever asked to leave any of the establishments I did frequent) so I guess we have reason to go back soon.

Oh yah, today is our 30th Anniversary.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

The Con Artist formerly known as Barry Soetoro Bows To The Saudi Prince

In a prepared statement delivered from the Ladies Rest Room in the West Wing, President Obama offered heartfelt remarks and offered his "thoughts and a call to prayer" for the recently fallen police officers and the men and women of our military.

Just kidding. It was for some rap artist fella.

And now it's time for...

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Sean Hannity's Battle with Tiny Baby Hands Syndrome

Maybe we should start a 'GoFuYerself' Account in his name. I had no idea he suffered from this and wonder who helps him with his severe 1980s hair part.
‘You gotta Stop!’ Hannity Loses His Cool with Ted Cruz Over delegates
Sean Hannity got a little frustrated with Ted Cruz during a radio interview this afternoon over his campaign’s delegate game.

Cruz said he doesn’t think most people care about this stuff. Hannity shot back by invoking his millions of followers and saying plenty of people “find this whole process confusing.”

When Cruz dismissively said only Donald Trump‘s people are complaining, Hannity kind of blew up:

“Senator, why do you do this? Every single time––no, you gotta stop! Every time I have you on the air and I ask you a legitimate question, you try to throw this in my face, I’m getting sick of it!”

Cruz testily asked, “Sean, can I answer your last question without being interrupted?”

He explained how the system works and how the “noise and complaining and whining” is only coming from Team Trump. Hannity shot back that people have serious issues and “it’s a simple question, it’s not a Trump question.”

At one point, Hannity said, “Senator, I don’t know why you’re mad.” Cruz said he’s not mad, he’s just irked that he’s asking “only about the nonsense” and not about policy.

Hannity insisted he has asked the senator about policy plenty of times and simply wants to address

Monday, April 18, 2016

Putin's Pegasus Has Pentagon Perturbed

Chattering Teeth News - Just a week after the United States Navy Destroyer USS Donald Cook had a close encounter fly-by with a Russian jet in international waters in the Baltic Sea, they are barrel-rolled by a shirtless Russian President Vladimr Putin on a flying Pegasus.

Secretary of State John Kerry described Putin's action as reckless and provocative. "I immediately telephoned President Obama on the secure line in the First Golf Cart," said Kerry. "I told the president that I thought this creature was only a myth. He answered, "No, Putin is real and he's spectacular."

The Captain of the American vessel was then contacted by obama and commended for the restraint he showed with the giant carrot bazooka in this belligerent incident. The Captain answered, "don't mention it. Call any time."

The first mate then explained to the captain that the "belligerent incident" obama referenced had to do with Putin and not obama's phone call.

'Aggressive maneuvers'
Close encounters between the two super powers have become increasingly common in recent months.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Bill Nye The Stalag Guy

Bill Nye, the science guy, is open to criminal charges and jail time for climate change dissenters
Should climate skeptics should be prosecuted as war criminals?
As a taxpayer and voter, the introduction of this extreme doubt about climate change is affecting my quality of life as a public citizen... So I can see where people are very concerned about this, and they’re pursuing criminal investigations as well as engaging in discussions like this....That there is a chilling effect on scientists who are in extreme doubt about climate change, I think that is good.

And now it's time for "Bill Nye The Stalag Guy" staring the NUMBER ONE kids' show actor, Bill Nye! Today's special guest prison camp guard buffoon and fellow fake scientist, Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

Commander Nye (playfully called "DeNye" by the POWs) is a sadistic and frustrated man who spews nonsense and gobbledygook meant to be passed off as science, meanwhile treating Hogan and the rest of the climate-denier prisoners with cruelty. But Hogan is hardheaded and brave and is not broken by Commander DeNye resisting his torturous TV shows and inspiring his mates in the camp.

Bill Nye The Stalag Guy is filmed in front of a live captive audience where frostbite and hilarity ensues!

NEXT WEEK'S SNEAK: Special guests Pee Wee Herman and Jambi the blue-faced Genie predict the weather!

Friday, April 15, 2016

A Tale of 3 Memes

I saw this "Equality vs Equity" meme yesterday and it confused me.

The panel on the left is supposed to represent "Equality". Let's check in with Merriam-Webster.

EQUALITY: (Simple definition) :the quality or state of being equal : the quality or state of having the same rights, social status, etc.

See my confusion? We have three home-grown panhandlers in the foreground who are peering over a barrier to watch high-price millionaires play a child's game, while honest & hard-working Americans in the stands had to pay outrageous prices for their tickets, not to mention having to pay almost $10 bucks for a cup of beer!

The second panel is labeled "Equity". Let's start once again with the dictionary definition.

EQUITY: (Simple definition) :fairness or justice in the way people are treated.

The only difference I can see (unless this is one of those picture puzzles with slight changes?) Is that the pedophile on the left gave the handicapped fella with the freakishly long arms and no legs below the knees on the right his box to stand on so he could see over the fence.  Equity? How so, now that the large pedophile has to presumably stand in his own urine to watch the game?

Now I'm pretty sure the message here is supposed to somehow represent the unfairness of capitalism and the necessity for the re-distribution of wealth. How can a system be fair if we all start under different circumstances? And why is there this barrier of entry to the playing field, where the wealthiest 1% are hording all the hotdogs? TEAR DOWN THESE WALLS and let the crack heads flow over the right field border and have an equal crack at the plate! In fact, let's inject some Democratic Socialism and have these crack-heads shake down the rich patrons and take their wallets and purses at the end of a gun. #FeelTheBern!

And then I had an idea on how to improve this meme.

In my utopia, there is no free lunch. If you want something, you have to work for it and earn it. You want to watch the baseball game? Buy a freakin' ticket! You want $15 an hour? Deserve it! You'd rather steal what's not yours?

Oh, and if you want to win? If you want so much winning, you’ll get bored with winning? You have to enter the playing field, dipsh**

Equine :Hoofed mammals having slender legs and a flat coat with a narrow mane along the back of the neck

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Two Logic anti-'semantic' fallacy story problems

Here is the first..
Three Men Rent a Hotel Room
Three men rent a hotel room. Each pays $10 for a total of $30 spent on the room. The next day the hotel owner tells the three men that they over paid for the room as it only costs $25. The three men tell the owner to give them each a dollar back and he can keep two dollars.

If you do the math, each man paid $9 a piece for the room for a total of $27. The owner kept $2 which brings the total to $29.

The question is where did the other dollar go?


Story Problem #2. See how many errors you can find.
(HINT: Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walking down the street together is NOT one. This is totally believeable and demonstrably true.)

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. Trump gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.

She then reached into Trump’s pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.00.

Now, do you understand the difference between a Conservative and a Liberal progressive?


Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I Quit You, Drudge

I am looking for a new homepage.

I have gone through numerous desktop PCs over the years, but the Drudge Report has been a staple and my browser homepage of choice for almost 20 years since Drudge first broke my radar by breaking the Lewinski scandal. Ever since, it has been where I started and ended my morning surf sessions, and whenever I got too lost and tangled in the internet weeds, a quick click on the 'house' icon at the top right on my browser would steer me back to the familiar aggregator where sanity reigned.

Not anymore.

I am sick and tired of the Drudge Report's pro-Trump headlines and story slants, and I am disgusted with his mocking of Christians. If I wanted to read the Huffing Glue Post, I'd just go to the original.

Don't get me wrong. I am not swearing off reading Drudge, and imagine I will visit occasionally, as I do other popular liberal sites to see what the other wacko progressives are talking about. The page will just no longer be my quick click sanctuary and I will have to find him at the bottom of my prodigious bookmarks collection right next to the fuzzy lint and the Daily Kos.

I'm sure Matt will get over it. He won't even notice, but I certainly will.

Now it's time for the reader participation portion of the Chattering Teeth Blog. Tell me what your homepage is, and make a case as to why I should adopt it. Tell me how you first met, and how long you've been together.

In the meantime, my temporary homepage has been changed to Random Text Generator Dot Com. Oh sure, I may not get the whole truth and nothing but the truth there, but at least ten the hastened steepest feelings pleasant few surprise property.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Mr Stump stump speech at Woodstock - #NeverStump

Mr. Stump sits down with Chattering Teeth News reporter Gullible Gabe (he only looks like CNN's Anderson Cooper from this angle) for a quick chat.

CTN: Mr. Stump, please tell our audience just what is the platform you're running on?

MR STUMP: My platform? I would say my platform is a nice piece of polished Ash. That I will tell you.

CTN: Many critics say you are just a democrat plant to assure your friend Hillary attains the executive branch. Mr Stump, are you a plant and don't you want this branch?

MR STUMP: "Plant" and "branch"? I see what you did there. So that is the low-brow road we're taking with this interview? Cheap and stupid puns? Yew are acorny person, Okay? Don't axe me that, Believe me.

CTN: Polls show you hold the lead with the poorly educated, with the "dumb as a stumps" and the "bump on a logs" supporting you, but the Sanders campaign seems to have the "Thick as bricks" niche.  However, most see your ground roots eroding.

MR STUMP: That's it! I am making like a tree and leafing, Okay?

Saturday, April 9, 2016


In defiance of the NC 'Bathroom Law' and in solidarity with perverted men's right to identify sharing a public john with girl scouts.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Nothing like Opening Day in Detoit!

Comerica Park's Chief Groundskeeper Fired on Opening Day For Infield Error.

What if there was a baseball game and a hockey fight broke out? At least the beer is cold.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Sleazy Donald Gracious in Wisconsin Defeat

Trump calls Cruz a Trojan Horse

Sorry, but the Donald Trump bust used in today's blog has already sold. More Trump busts just around the corner.

Believe me.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Kasich Koo-Koo Kola

Kasich Suspect in Convenience Store Cola Cooler Caper

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - John Kasich is being sought for questioning with respect to an overnight ransacking of a soda cooler in a convenience store in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Store surveillance footage appears to show Kasich in the store just prior to the clerk finding the store's entire stock of Coke and Pepsi products vandalized.

"There was crushed cans and broken bottles of Coke and Pepsi all over the floor and dripping from the shelves," stated the store clerk, who said he was in the john at the time.

This strange crime comes on the heels of yesterday's campaign news regarding both Donald Trump and Ted Cruz calling for Kasich to exit the GOP primary race. The pressure of his 'no win' campaign coupled with his lifelong and bizzare fascination of comaparing himself to soda pop may have finally pushed Kasich over the edge.

At least nobody can say they didn't see the signs.

Back in 1999, when Kasich was running in the 2000 presidential campaign, he described himself in interviews as the Jolt Cola in a market dominated by Coke and Pepsi. Kasich branded himself as "just a little different and a little fresher. More caffeinated, too," as his disheveled pillow-head hair and waving and erratic hand gestures will attest.

Maybe not the worst analogy or marketing strategy, but this off-brand candidate didn't win in 2000, so most savvy politicians might try a different tact in their next campaign. But not Kasich

Back in March, Kasich stated that Marco Rubio had been more hyped than Crystal Pepsi."Even a well-conceived, high-financed marketing campaign won't work if people don't want to buy the product," said Kasich.

Looking back now, it is becoming increasingly clear that John Kasich has not been using an ill-advised campaign marketing strategy using soda pop as analogies. Rather, since 1999 this poor, tortured soul actually sees his fellow human beings as walking, talking and animated cans and bottles of various soda pop and energy drinks.

And yet, he has been campaigning as the only "sane one". His constant mantra in campaign stump speeches has included the following: “If you go out to the grocery store and you get to choose between Coke and Pepsi and some off-brand, most people say, ‘I’ve heard about the off-brand but I just better pick Coke or Pepsi.’”

Well, the good folks in this Wisconsin town won't have the option to pick Coke or Pepsi from one out-of-the-way convenience store. At least not for a few days until a replacement supply truck arrives. 

No cans or bottles were harmed in the making of today's blog.


UPDATE: John Kasick has been apprehended! An eyewitness report claims that Governor Kasich was overheard asking: "Have you ever been stopped by a police officer that's an idiot?... I said, officer I, are you kidding, I didn't, I didn't see any, I didn't even see any, where the heck was it? The last thing I would ever do would be to attack my fellow soda cans and bottles of Cola... are you kidding me?"

"He's an idiot! We just can't act that way. What people resent are people who are in the government who don't treat the client with respect," stammered Kasich, as he was roughed, coughed and pushed head-first into the brightly lit squad car.

A major motion picture is now in the works...

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Two Professional Street Pamphleteers Walk into a Bathhouse

Blogelorette Party with Tasty Tyrone

Today's guest blogger is my friend and neighbor Gullible Gabe with this short story for my amusement.

I'll never forget my college days. Those days of fun, frivolity and freedom are burned into my memory. I think I went to the University of Michigan "at some point" in the 80's.

By the way, I should tell you that I use unexpected "quotation marks" in my writing because I use them in real life by making "air quotes" with the middle and pointer fingers of "both hands" while I'm speaking. I've found some people "don't like this" but my life is full of emphasis, and old habits "die hard."

Chapter 1 - Freshman Year
I still remember move-in day my freshman year like it was yesterday. My parents paid extra for me to have a single dorm room because of my propensity to talk incessantly with a various collection of what they called, "imaginary friends." This habit of mine got me beat up continuously during my elementary, middle school and high school years, and I regularly sported black eyes and stll suffer from post-concussion syndrome... But I have long forgiven my teachers for these beatings (and am still email pen pals with Mrs Thurmond, who is still serving her 20-year sentence in a women's penitentiary for "shiving me" with a sharpened protractor in 1st grade).

I stood there on the curb watching my parents drive off and remember thinking, "I sure hope dad gets those tires checked because none of the other parent's cars seem to squeal off that way." I also remember wondering how I was going to get my futon and luggage up to the 10th floor.

I spent that first night shivering on the futon, still on the curb where pops had left it. Later that day, some nice upper-classmen dismantled my futon. They said it was a screwdriver-free campus, but managed to take my futon apart posthaste with a few "swift kicks." I thanked these gentlemen and I spent the rest of that first full day carrying the pieces up to my room.  

So there I was, all settled in and drinking a Grape Nehi and unpacking my erector set, when those nice young men from earlier stopped by for an official welcome. It was during this visit when they explained they were there on behalf of the University Lieutenant and "Dean of the Dorms". Apparently, the incoming freshman class was much bigger than was anticipated and that I would have to share my room with another incoming freshman.

Well, since this directive was coming directly from the "Dean of the Dorms" via these student volunteers, "who was I" to argue? So they brought him in and sat him on the futon. The students left, closing the door behind them, but I could hear them laughing all the way down the hall. They sure seemed to "exude joy" by performing good deeds!

So that was how I met my roommate and best friend for those next four years. At first, he didn't say much, and I could tell he was nervous because he wasn't bending at the waist to sit, rather he was "planking the futon" and staring vacantly at the ceiling.

He eventually opened up, but not before I had finished that 6-pack of "sodas" those nice young boys had left behind for me. I asked him his name, and he finally answered, "Tasty Tyrone."

"LISTEN," I said. "I was born and raised in the bible-belt, and NO MALE I ever knew had a name like THAT. We don't even USE offensive names like that, so I'll beg your pardon, but I will simply call you 'Tasty'. Let's just forget you ever even said that other name."

Tasty and I became fast friends. I would fill him with helium from absconded from the science lab, tie him to my book bag back pack and parade him around campus. I would hear the ladies say things like, "Oooh my, look at those washboard abs," or, "Wow, what a sexy smile and an eye-catching full package." Other comments are too risqué to mention here, but Tasty never seemed to get jealous of the affections I would receive. He may have been an inflatable doll, but he certainly did not have an inflated ego!

I sometimes think of my friend Tasty, usually when I am filling my low tires at the free air pump at the local gas station, and wonder how he's doing. The last I saw him was on graduation day, as he floated away in his cap and gown after someone cut our tether. I will always remember our witty repartee and a palaver of incessant verbal confabulation.

An old classmate said they saw him last in the late 80's on the streets of Chicago and "apprenticing under" a community organizer. What a sad and tragic end to such a promising windbag, for nothing of any substance ever came from a professional street pamphleteer.


Saturday, April 2, 2016

Obama Makes Islamic State Finger Salute While Holding up Cameron's Severed Head For the Team Photo at the Nuclear Summit

Well, ain't this special?

Obama plays the clown by flashing the peace sign for nuclear security summit 'team photo'... and gets a very unimpressed look from David Cameron and bemused world leaders
Surrounded by world leaders, President Barack Obama gave the peace sign as they gathered for a 'team photo' during a two-day nuclear summit.

All eyes were on Obama as 54 other presidents and prime ministers joined him in Washington, DC, for crunch talks on Iran and terrorist threats involving nuclear weapons.

There was one set of eyes, however, that was particularly focused on the President - those of Prime Minister David Cameron.

Relations between Cameron and Obama have been strained since the President criticized the Prime Minister for getting 'distracted' during the crisis in Libya and turning it into a 's**t show'.
and that's when it went from bad to worse... 

Friday, April 1, 2016


It's April Fools' Day, so let's just get that part out of the way...