Sunday, November 29, 2015

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Gethsemane Street?

Matthew 26:50-54 - Jesus said to him, 'My friend, do what you are here for.' Then they came forward, seized Jesus and arrested him. And suddenly, one of the followers of Jesus grasped his sword and drew it; he struck the high priest's servant and cut off his ear. Jesus then said, 'Put your sword back, for all who draw the sword will die by the sword. Or do you think that I cannot appeal to my Father, who would promptly send more than twelve legions of angels to my defence? But then, how would the scriptures be fulfilled that say this is the way it must be?'

Prayers for those killed and injured at the hands of the mentally disturbed Colorado Springs shooter, and for their family and friends. Especially for officer Garrett Swasey, killed in the line of duty.

Now for the secular humanist progressive point of view, "You never let a serious crisis go to waste".

1) President Obama has called for more gun control in the wake of the shooting at a Planned Parenthood location in Colorado.

2) Obama's own personal law hack, Attorney General Loretta Lynch, is calling the shootings in Colorado Springs a crime against women receiving health care services at Planned Parenthood.

3)  Planned Parenthood's statement seems to be blaming... HINT: "... extremists are creating a poisonous environment that feeds domestic terrorism in this country."

Liberals are nothing if not predictable, and they are usually wrong. They always jump before any of the facts are known.

Let's take these one at a time.

1) Obama, I know you like to jump to conclusions before any of the facts are known, and your false narratives always blame the 'bitter clingers.' Just know that your marxist anti-American rhetoric has spurred more gun and ammo sales than in any administration before you. In fact, I am going to add to my collection now because of your statement to this so-called Planned Parenthood shooting. I wasn't planning to. I don't really need more. But your words always compel me to arm up. Keep talkin', bro.

2) Dear Loretta. You are a political hack and a total disgrace. You call this a "crime against women receiving health care services"? Were any of the victims that weren't cops, female? Planned Parenthood has said all its staff at the clinic are safe. Loretta, how is that possible, based on your assessment? And what health care services does this PP provide? Are you aware that this mentally disturbed male shooter self-identified as a woman? Maybe he was stopping by for a mammogram, only to become unhinged when he/she learned the truth that there are no 'health services' provided at these butcher shops.

3) As for Planned Parenthood, the bigger crime scene here is on their stainless steel morgue gurneys and huge refrigeration units used to keep the dead babies and baby parts fresh for later consumption and sales. May I say, with all due respect... F%^* you and rot in hell.

Now, I must admit I am sometimes guilty of jumping to conclusions myself. I mean, look at the evidence that the shooter is actually a  registered democrat.
* His mugshot picture. I mean, he LOOKS like a democrat. (a cross between a younger Bernie Sanders and a post Nick Nolte bender)
* The photo of his ramshackle mountain cabin. Unabomberesque and environmentally friendly, if you ask me.
* He shot and killed a police officer. And he identifies as a woman. I am only surprised that obama hasn't granted a pardon and invited him to the White House yet.

So was this crazy shooter a Christian conservative who's extremist views motivated him to attack this PP? Planned Parenthood has said all its staff at the clinic are safe. So, worst shot ever?

No, I think we can safely conclude this has noting to do with Christians. Now if you want to see true religious extremists murdering for their twisted beliefs, just have the Planned Parenthood staff start drawing cartoon caricatures of that islamic pedophile. Better yet, first ask Charlie Hebdo if she needs a mammogram.

Friday, November 27, 2015

The Miller Lite "Dwelling in the Past' spot starring Uran Meyer

The Miller Lite "Dwelling in the Past' spot starring former Dallas Cowboy quarterback, Troy Aikman, is one of my favorite TV commercials for one of my least favorite beers. The original ad can be found here, and was the inspiration for today's complete fig newton of my machinations.

Yes, I know it's daring for me to post this cartoon on the eve of one of the biggest college football rivalries in the nation between The Michigan Wolverines and that team from Ohio. The bottom panel shows Urban Meyer admitting he dwells in the past, and Coach Harbaugh stating, "I don't blame you," as if to verify Coach Meyer's worst fears that he will never again beat Michigan. Ever. I guarantee it.

What my cartoon doesn't address is the reason why Coach Harbaugh is moonlighting as a convenience store clerk. Don't think too hard on that, rather, focus on what happens next. Coach Meyer takes his beer home and chugs it before leaving his garage, then cries himself to sleep.

That guarantee above was meant to horrify my fellow Michigan fan friends who are well aware of my dismal sports prediction track record (you there, Shang?). As a lifelong Detroit Lion's fan, my loyalty has rarely been returned. But how did my Lions look yesterday? 'Nuff said.

And my guarantee is no more, no less than what Jim Harbaugh did himself prior to the 1986 game. He backed up his 1986 guarantee, as quarterback, by leading Michigan to a 26-24 victory in the horse shoe that year, and he will back up, as coach, my guarantee above. I guarantee it. Or I will chug a case of Miller Lite.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

The First Thanksgiving Kiddie Table

Unless you were born with a silver turkey gravy ladle in your over-sized pumpkin piehole, you know all about the Thanksgiving kiddie table. Whether it be in the form of a rickety old card table in the corner of the dining room, or in my case, an old wood stump on the back patio porch, the Thanksgiving kiddie table represents the overflow parking for your Thanksgiving feast.

It's not a real complicated social caste system to figure out. The kiddie table is usually comprised of your less desirable huddled masses of over-active youngsters yearning for an eventual turn at the mashed potatoes. Its like their own little Ellis Island over there at the card table with unidentifiable stains, complete with paper plates and plastic sporks.

Kids, until you attain the ripe old age of double digits, don't plan on dining with the Captain at an actual table adorned with place settings made of the finest bone china and silver. Even then, its a crapshoot. Just because you have graduated from the kiddie table to the good table, that doesn't mean you can't lose that honor. Just ask aunt June, who has a lifetime membership at the kiddie table ever since the late 80s when it became clear that turkey tended to give her gas.

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving, no matter which table (or stump) you are banished.

For more little-known holiday history:
The First Thanksgiving and Black Friday - Shopping like it's 1621!
CHAPTER ONE - The First Thanksgiving
In 1621, prior to anthropogenic global warming, the month of November was cold in New England. Freakin' cold. Certainly too cold to plant crops! "I wished I'd thought of that before leaving in September on a 2-month tour," thought Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford, regretting once his decision to anchor the Mayflower off the shores of the new world in the dead of winter.

"...and honkey please, I'm freezing my butt off in these knickers!," Bradford complained.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Turkey on a Plane!

Just more dreams of my fodder.

And now a special treat. While its true that Obama's school transcripts are sealed, we can still sing along to his favorite choom gang study group song!

Roll 'em up, twist 'em up, light it in your jaw,
And toke up a tune called 'Turkey in the Straw'.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Obama EXHAUSTED after assaulting America from foreign soil

So much hateful energy spent directed at this country while overseas really takes a lot out of a marxist.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

A weasel by any other name

Time to play... DID YOU KNOW?
Today's topic: Name-changing weasels

The stoat is a short-tailed weasel which sports a brown and cream coat during spring, summer and fall. In the winter months, this weasel changes its coat to a pure white, and it changes its name (Please call me "Ermine").

I don't know about you, but THAT FEELS RACIST to me. WHY DOES THIS WEASEL change its name based on its color?  Do ermine lives matter?

NOTE: The white privileged 'ermine' IS not to be confused with the white privileged rapper known as 'Eminem'.

According to wiki, "In the late 19th century, stoats were introduced into New Zealand to control rabbits. The stoats have had a devastating effect on native bird populations."

So instead of a land bountiful in rabbits and birds, it is apparently chock full instead with weasels.

Next week on DID YOU KNOW?...
we will feature a scrawny black and white weasel species known as the Soetoro during its early years. No spoilers, but you won't want to miss what this weasel does after its name change (then again, maybe you will).

In the late 20th century, the Soetoro was introduced into the United States. It has had a devastating effect on the American populations, and is in the process of replacing them with progressive weasels.


Friday, November 20, 2015

A Progressive and Sharia Family Thanksgiving!

The Progressive Family gathered around the television to watch the latest Hillary Clinton speech. 

HILLARY:Let’s be clear, though. Islam itself is not our adversary. Muslims are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism.”

MR. PROGRESSIVE: Hillary's monotone, stilted and passionless speech pattern is very convincing. Honey, lets's invite our new neighbors, the Sharias, over for Thanksgiving dinner. They are recent Muzlim refugees from Syria, and I'm sure they could use a friend.

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Since we don't celebrate the white privilege holiday called Thanksgiving, I assume you mean Native Americans Genocide Day. What a wonderful idea!

MR. PROGRESSIVE: Yah, sorry 'bout that. Hillary says that blaming radical Islamic terrorism for the Paris terror attack is not just a distraction, but gives these ISIS murderers more standing than they deserve. I don't know what ISIS or ISIL stands for, but I'm sure we can agree with Hillary that they have nothing to do with Islam.

MARY: My 6th grade teacher says it's all our fault and they're just mad at Bush and Cheney because of Global Warming.

Fast Forward to Thanksgiving, errr... I mean Native Americans Genocide Day...
MR. PROGRESSIVE: Little Billy, I told you not to smoke that weed in the house. The Sharias will be here soon. Go smoke it on the back porch son.

BILLY: Shut the F&*#@ up mister! You're not even my real dad!

MR. PROGRESSIVE: Fooled you Billy. You called me "mister" and I'm biologically not even a dude!

BILLY: Well, you called me "son" and yet I have girlie parts too. Who's the dumbass now?

Later... ***DING DONG***

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Mary, will you get the door please. Our neighbors, the Sharias are here!

MARY: SHUT UP B#tch! I'm busy posting selfies to my Instagram.

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Never mind honey. I'll get it. I sure hope the Sharias like Tofurkey, since we quit eating food that used to have a face.

Later, during dinner conversation...

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Mrs. Sharia, that sure is an interesting fanny pack you have there. Since you are covered head-to-toe in a sheet like an old sofa in storage, you obviously don't need lip gloss or makeup. Just what do you carry in it?

MRS. SHARIA: Oh, don't worry. I have EVERYTHING I need for my Black Friday Mall shopping spree.

THE END (or near enough to it)

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

DaBlade's Mailbag of Wisdom

Sometimes, I run across something so incredibly stupid and ignorant, I am at a loss for...  a collection of distinct meaningful elements of speech or writing, used to form a sentence of coherent thought.

Because we all know that the Puritan pilgrims of yesterday and the Izlamofascist terrorists of today are morally equivalent. In fact, I would venture to argue that had the roles been reversed and it was Izlamofascists landing on Plymouth Rock in 1620, the Indian's fate would have had e a much rosier result, don't you?

But enough about marauding muslims and the clueless secular atheist humanist progressive dope-smoking liberal progressives.

Let's go to the mailbag for some mental palate-cleansing...

Dear DaBlade,

I am a professional beekeeper who tries to mind his own beeswax. I had a colony of bees, went away for a week, came home to no bees and a hornet's nest inside. They have killed all the bees and robbed all the honey. What is a good way to prevent hornets from attacking my hive?

Stung in Europe

Dear Stung,

When a giant hornet refugee migrates to a European bee colony it produces a pheromone that attracts all of its siblings to descend on the European honey bee’s home and begin the slaughter. The hornet easily decapitates honey bees in a simple movement of their large powerful mandibles. One single giant hornet can kill 40 honey bees in a minute. Thirty of these over-sized hornets can wipe a 30,000 strong bee colony out in a little over 3 hours. After the hornet’s thorough massacring of the hive they take back the bee abdomens to feed to their children, leaving their legs and heads to fester. The hornets also take their honey stores and larvae.

My advice would be to kill them where they live, and to certainly not invite them into your hive. Be aware that this strategy may meet resistance by a portion of brain-deficient honey bees who believe these hornets should be allowed to 'settle' in the hive.These useful idiots should be ridiculed and marginalized if survival of the species is important.

Monday, November 16, 2015

No More Syrian 'Refugees' in Michigan

Michigan Governor Snyder - No more Syrian refugees in Michigan

Many outraged, but gov says safety key concern after attacks in Paris
LANSING — Gov. Rick Snyder's decision to suspend efforts to bring Syrian refugees to Michigan in light of the deadly terrorist attacks in Paris on Friday has sparked controversy and launched the state into the national debate of how to protect U.S. citizens while providing a haven for those who desperately need help. (Hint: Leave them THERE!)

How does that old idiom go?

Why close the barn door when the silos are already full?

Hamtramck elects Muslim-majority city council

If the State of Michigan were a barn...

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Starbucks Red Cup Twilight Zone

Starbucks' red cup controversy
Starbucks said the unadorned cup allows customers to put their unique drawings and message on it, but some say it’s one more way that companies are stripping the Christmas message from the holiday season.

Narrator: The place is here, the time is now, and the journey into the shadows that we're about to watch could be our journey.

Scene: Progressive Pete was out of town and unfamiliar with the landscape. He walks into what he believes to be the local Starbucks for his morning pick-me-up. But what Progressive Pete doesn't realize, is that instead of walking into the local Starbucks, he has entered straight into... the Twilight Zone.

Progressive Pete: I'd like a quad cap “skinny” Cinnamon Dolce, Trenta, Pumpkin Spice of course, but skip the whip silly! Oh, and a box of crayons so I can color interesting, yet politically correct secular progressive messages on my cup.

Nick "The Barista": Hey look, mister. We serve regular coffee in here in regular cups for folks who want to get caffeinated fast, and we don't need any  well-groomed, scarf-wearing metrosexual characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?

Scene: A shocked and confused Progressive Pete starts to sob from Nick's apparent aggression. Pete looks around for support, but does not see anyone wearing earbuds or looking at their phones. All of the patrons, both young and old, were instead conversing and smiling with those around them. This direct human interaction was disorienting to Progressive Pete.

It was then that he noticed the message "Merry Christmas" stenciled onto the picture window. HORRORS!!! VIOLATION!!! OFFENDED ALERT!!! With this, he panicked and ran from the coffee shop and directly into the path of a city bus. 

When Progressive Pete awoke on the sidewalk, he clearly was no longer living in Obamaville. He stumbled thru a busy town, where there was actual commerce and employment happening all around! "What, no rioting?," he thought. He saw moms and dads and kids, and they were walking on the sidewalks together. Pete looked up and down the block, but instead of seeing tattoo parlors or Planned Parenthoods, he saw diners, hardware and clothing stores and a couple of Christian churches! Very strange. There were no ornamented transgendereds, just ornamented Christmas trees. And a NATIVITY SCENE on the grounds of City Hall?! There were lights and songs! Instead of vacant stares, Progressive Pete saw actual joy and love...

It was then, Progressive Pete woke up back in Obamaville.  He had experienced strange and wonderful things and wanted to go back. But like it or not, Progressive Pete was stuck in Obamaville... at least for now.  In the meantime, might as well enjoy a cup of virgin fetus blood from Starbuck's new collectible cup.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

GOP Debate Predictions (or maybe just what I want to see tonight)

The “kiddie table” debate
...featuring Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum is cut short after a sink hole opens up in debate stage floor directly under Christie and Huckabee. This was obviously an oversight in not splitting these two up on either end in order for a more uniform weight distribution. Repairs are complete just in time for the main event.

As for the main event:
Dr. Ben Carson sheds the low energy label once and for all after he vaults podium screaming "WITCH HUNT!! landing on Fox Business anchor, Neil Cavuto, and putting him into a headlock. "I asked for details on his tax plan!," stated Cavuto, as he quietly nods off due to the prolonged sleeper hold over the commercial break.

A bizarre moment when Marco Rubio is questioned about his credit card use. Instead of answering and defending his finances, he uses his time in a non-verbal fashion. He reaches into his lapel pocket and starts pulling out a connected stream of credit cards in their plastic wallet sleeves. He is still pulling them out while they pile on the debate stage floor. It was reminiscent of a magician pulling a long and seemingly never-ending string of colorful scarves from his hat. The distraction works, as the audience bursts into applause and Marco gets a poll jump out of the exchange.

Trump's night was uneventful. He was still wearing the gold earring and leather jacket he wore on SNL, and danced stiffly when asked a question, then insulted Kasich and Rand Paul on either end of the debate stage. He only stops after Dr. Carson stabs him in the belt buckle with his microphone he had managed to file down into a shiv. Most analysts give the heated exchange to Carson.

Lindsey Graham and George Pataki, who both participated in the prior three preliminary debates, were bounced from the debates altogether this time for failure to reach the necessary 1% in the polls. Sadly, neither were recognized at the auditorium entrance and were not allowed admittance. They were escorted out by a low level security guard, and could be heard calling Trump a racist from the parking lot in hopes their campaign coffers would get a needed $5,000 boost.

After the debate, nobody could remember whether Jeb Bush had actually been there. Experts were later called in to examine the video footage and it was determined that Jeb had most certainly been in attendance. This gave him a rock solid alibi for the cars in the parking lot apparently damaged by vandals.

Oh, I almost forgot. Senator Ted Cruz runs away with the debate and vaults ahead of everyone in the polls, exactly where he should be.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Larry David Receives Giant Check For 5,000 Pesos.

The scripted and unfunny heckle from Larry David during Trump's monologue is probably not what this radical leftist open-borders group had in mind.  Well, in the words of that Adorable Cursing Latino Boy, Bleeep You!

Random TV Sitcom series idea... Everybody Hates Quentin.
Plot Summary: Quentin Tarantino plays himself as an ex movie director, a few years after the successful boycott of his crappy movies due to his anti-cop rhetoric. He adopts Little Ricardo, that adorable cursing Latino boy who is always flipping the finger and adorably yelling the F word to any cracker cops that drive through his hood. There will be a laugh track, so hilarity will ensue.

I have sent my script in for review and am awaiting the expected contract offer with an oversized check any day now.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Campaign shorts

Jeb Campaign Resets For Fifth Time
I didn't actually read past the headline of that linked article. In fact, I think I started to nod off after the word 'Jeb". That said, this guy's campaign has been a disaster. If I were Jeb's (Zzzzz) image consultant in charge of this new 'reboot', I would insist Jeb answer all questions in future debates while speaking through a bullhorn. After all, it was the only time the American people galvanized behind his brother.  

Then again, if I were a political image consultant, I wouldn't be wasting my time with The Jebster. Ben Carson, however, is a very appealing candidate who just needs a few image adjustments. For example, why are his eyes closed all the time? Don't bother answering. I have the fix.

If you used to be a pediatric neurosurgeon who had to keep your eyes open for 12 to 15 hour stretches at a time, you also might take advantage of a little shut eye when you can get it.

As for these ongoing debate negotiations, I think we can all agree the liberal moderators need to be outfitted with shock collars set to stun, and controlled by the participants.

That is all.