Thursday, January 30, 2020

Punxsutawney Phil expected to see gloomy Democrat Candidate's shadows and call for 4 more years of Trump!

Groundhog Day will be 'celebrated' again this upcoming February 2nd when an overweight rodent rises from his burrow for a small portion of the human population who are actually ignorant enough to be interested in this annual pseudoscientific weather forecast. Will the rodent cast a shadow and signaling 6 more weeks of winter?

Not so ironically, the very next day on Monday, February 3rd marks the 2020 Iowa Democratic caucuses when the democRat candidates rise from whatever hole they climbed out of for a small portion of the human population who are actually ignorant enough to be interested in this collection of human debris. Will one of these democRats win the White House and signaling 4 to 8 years of devastation to the economy, culture, national security, the Constitution, and casting a shadow of doubt for the continuation of our liberty and freedoms? 

Speaking of Groundhog Day, the big news out of PETA is the 'animal rights group' calling for Punxsutawney Phil to be replaced with a robot groundhog because it is a stressful job and an animatronic rodent could do the job just as well.

I think we could say the same thing for Bernie or any of the other commies in the democrat field. Hell, I'd vote for a toaster first.

Swedish environmental activist Greta Thunberg rose from her burrow to claim that climate change will mean that in 12 short years the Earth will only be able to support robot rodents on inflatable floating icebergs.

Wednesday, January 29, 2020


Hillary Clinton “Feels the Urge” to Run Against Trump Again?
“Yeah. I certainly feel the urge because I feel the 2016 election was a really odd time and an odd outcome.” 

We know what happened LAST time she "felt an urge"...

BTW, I thought she retired?

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Today's Chattering Teeth Impeachment News Brief Update Thingy

In today's episode of Politicians in Cars getting Cheeseburgers, (click here in case you forgot how the game is played)...

Harvard Law School Professor Alan Dershowitz drives the president to the local drive thru for lunch during a break from the Impeachment trial where the professor absolutely destroyed the democrat's sham charges.

He then made a legal case as to why McDonald's french fries are superior to those from Five Guys, Wendy's, Chick-fil-A, and Shake Shack, and makes a compelling argument that Arby's curly fries are actually unconstitutional and that our founding fathers couldn't even have fathomed such a travesty.

The huge so-called 'bombshell' of the day that got all the fake news media breathless was the news that former National Security Adviser John Bolton is trying to sell a book. Democrats now want him appearing as a witness in hopes that he will testify under oath that he believes Trump is against corruption in all forms, even corruption in plain sight being committed by Joe Biden and his crack whore son, Hunter *gasp*!!

Compromise reached - Michael Bolton to appear under oath before the senate (after John Bolton sings the anthem)

Speaking of Joe Biden, he continues to make hay on the campaign trail (while his senator opponents are tied up with the impeachment farce)...

Stay tuned for more updates as they happen (or at least within the next month or two)

Monday, January 20, 2020

SHOCK! Kato Kaelin is the Whistleblower!

Chattering Teeth Fake News Exclusive! The perpetually high Kato Kaelin of OJ Simpson trial fame is making a comeback.

Thank goodness! And here I thought that this whole impeachment was nothing more than a partisan circus. But then we learn that Kato Kaelin is their whistleblower and the Dems totally redeem themselves. 

Here's what we know. Kato has been living in the crawl space of a Kyiv, Ukraine Starbucks and living on cake crumbs and coins that slip through the cracks in the floorboards.

According to anonymous sources, Kato is expected to testify later this week that back in July, he overheard U.S. Ambassador Gordon Sondland in line to make his order for a venti green tea Frappuccino with soy milk while also on the phone with President Trump. Kato says he knows Sondland was on the phone with Trump because the president’s voice was so loud that it made Sondland “sort of wince”  and held the phone away from his ear.

Kato claims he was able to overhear Trump order the ambassador to get Ukraine to launch an investigation. A short time later, Kato says he shared a bong with Hunter Biden in a dark alley.

This sounds completely legit!

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

What We Learned From The Democrat Debate (A Shocking Chattering Teeth Exclusive)

Full disclosure. I did not watch the Democrat debates last night as I am not clinically insane or mentally retarded. However, I am disturbed and off-balance enough to click a link on the morning after that stated Elizabeth Warren refused to shake Bernie's hand at the conclusion.

"In the video above, Warren can be seen moving toward Sanders. But the Massachusetts senator pulls her hand back when Sanders extends his."

As I watched this video, the disembodied voice in my head kept screaming:

But then I gulped my coffee and feverishly continued my research for this extraordinary post which will likely become my life's "Opus". Apparently, Warren and Sanders had a little dust up during the debate about whether or not Bernie had told Warren in 2016 that a woman couldn't win the presidency.

Warren stated, "So, can a woman beat Donald Trump? Look at the men on this stage. Collectively, they have lost ten elections. The only people on this stage who have won every single election that they’ve been in are the women.”

At this point I'm thinking, #1 Which category above is Warren counting the Peter-Puffer from South Bend?, and #2 This is exactly the kind of leadership and topics the American people in flyover country care most about and discuss at the kitchen table.

So why did Elizabeth "Pocahontas" Warren not shake Bernie's hand at the end of the debate? I'll tell you.

I have dedicated my entire life and lengthy career, if not the last 5 minutes tirelessly performing duckduckgo searches in support for this nonsensical blog post, in the study of Native Americans. Their culture, traditions and languages. 

The top lesson in the "Five things we can learn from Native Americans" is that they...
1. Never Say “Goodbye”

It's true. The Indians didn't even have a word that translates to "goodbye". Instead, they say something to the effect, “until we meet again.”

The Lakota, commonly known as the Sioux, do not have a word directly meaning 'goodbye' in their Native language. Instead, the Lakota tribe uses “Toksa”, a phrase meaning “see you later”. The Ojibwa don't have a way to say "goodbye" exactly. They say, "gigawaabamin", which is like saying "see you later" (and is usually said by the Injun pit boss at the local casino after you've lost your last $5 chip). The Cherokee word is “Donadagohvi” which not only means, “'til we meet again,” but also, "Four More Years of the Don."

Therefore, and in conclusion to this scholarly piece, I contend that Warren wasn't slighting Sanders by refusing to participate in an American tradition of shaking hands in "good bye", rather she was confused by the gesture. The video does appear to show Warren shaking hands with the other debate participants, which appears to disprove my chief hypothesis - but if you blow up the still frames, she is clearly just passing out wooden nickels and just ran out by the time she got to Bernie.

P.S. "Chief Hypothesis" is on the Trump Train.

Sunday, January 5, 2020


Iran 'retaliates' for President Trump killing their top terrorist, Kasey Kasem SoulManie by raising a scary red flag on some rounded, phallic-looking building, and predictably the journalists are terrified.

Obviously, the scary red flag reminded me of the hours (days/weeks) I spent playing Super Mario Bros games. The red flags were special level-ending goals. Just jump and grab, and on to the next level.

As for the dead terrorist, SoulManie - let's take a moment to celebrate his removal with this tribute...

Friday, January 3, 2020

Good Boy, Conan!

Chattering Teeth News - Conan, the K9 commando who was at the forefront of the the raid that killed ISIS leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi in October was at it again. Injured during the Al-Baghdadi mission, Conan has been training as a U.S. Drone pilot during his recuperation, and he put his training to good use Thursday when he got the call from President Trump to hit Iranian Qud General Qassem Soleimani. A short time later, a US missile found its mark. Good Boy!! The operation has been dubbed Operation: Chew the Qud.