Friday, February 28, 2020

The Wreck of The Bomokandi Bertha

No sooner is Bob Chapek named to replace Bob Iger as the new Disney CEO, a Jungle Cruise boat sinks at Walt Disney World.  Coincidence or villain? You be the judge.

The Wreck of The Bomokandi Bertha

 The legend lives on from Adventureland on down
At the flagship theme park that's called Magic Kingdom
The Jungle Cruise, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the wait times in the Standby turns gloomy
With a load from shore with twenty-six guests more
Than The Bomokandi Bertha weighed empty
That good ship and crew was a bone to be chewed
On Bob Chapek's first day as CEO for Disney

 The ship was the pride for this water slow ride
A witty Skipper in a canopied tramp steamer
"Everyone, turn around and wave goodbye to the folks
 back on the dock... they may never see you again"
The passengers set sail that day
For a 10-minute tour, a 10-minute tour.

 The weather never did get rough,
But the tiny ship was tossed,
If not for the waters being surprisingly shallow
The Bomokandi Bertha would be lost,
the Bomokandi Bertha would be lost.

When the time came, the skipper joked on deck sayin'
I get paid to wisecrack and the number I take out
not the number of passengers I bring back
Seven minutes in, he had water comin' in
His safari costume shoes was in peril
At 12:30 P.M., the boat bottomed out
Came the wreck of the Bomokandi Bertha

 Does any one know where the love of Mickey goes
When the incident caused an interruption of 105 minutes?
The Cast Members all say they'd have made Seven Seas Lagoon
If they'd put the mechanical elephants behind 'er
They didn't split up nor did they capsize
They only took on a foot and a half of water
And all that remains is the smiling faces and the names
Of the wives and the sons and the daughters

 So join us here each visit my friend
You won't even get a bruise
But maybe a boat load of stranded castaways
Here on the Jungle Cruise!

OK, a little rough in spots with my mashup between Gordon Lightfoot's The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald and the Gilligan's Island theme song. This still is my favorite ride (or at least one of them). When we went to the Magic Kingdom last May, my daughter-in-law wouldn't let me ride it because it didn't "fit into our schedule." (it is a running joke between us, but seriously - the scars have not healed!) My brother said that his daughter likewise never  lets him ride this. So on our group chat of family to plan this fall's trip, the subject of this Jungle Cruise incident came up and my niece tried to take credit for us not getting shipwrecked.  LOL

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Detroit Red Wings trade Andreas Athanasiou - But is enforcer, Tonya Harding a good fit?

And now its time for a Chattering Teeth sports minute...

Detroit Red Wings trade Andreas Athanasiou at the NHL trade deadline and pick up 50-yr-old enforcer, Tonya Harding off waivers. While Tonya has never played professional hockey before, neither has AA - And the Wings needed to add a little muscle to take the heat off there flying Frenchman, Anthony Mantha.

While Mantha's willingness to throw down and stick up for his team mates is admirable, he always seems to break a hand or puncture a lung in every single simple dustup and then is out of commission on injured reserves for another 6 weeks.  By picking up Tonya, she can be the one to lay the club to the knees of any opponent who gets out of line.

ok, that Tonya part is fake news and just a case of wishful thinking. Other than that, it was a good day for Wings fans who have had little to celebrate this year. When a team is contending for a playoff spot, they are 'buyers' at the trade deadline. When they are rebuilding like the Wings - sell, sell, sell! They unload aged veterans or entitled youngsters on expiring contracts for future draft picks - sort of like using Kroger's clicklist when buying groceries - We'll just swing by in June in order to stock our 'fridge.

Andreas Athanasiou is a highlight reel speedster, so if AA works out for them - the Edmonton Oilers may become known as the "Edmonton Greecers". I hope so, but he needs to grow up first. He obviously had no desire to play actual defense with the Wings, and more often than not he appeared he is wearing oven mitts at the net and not able to finish his breakaways (but the cookies looked delish!). The Wings receive two second round draft picks in return, and this is twice as much as I expected Yzerman would get for him, due to AA's league-worst  plus/minus that is spinning down like a depth guage on a WWII submarine with a hole in its side.

The Red Wings also trade defenseman Mike Green to the Edmonton Oilers for forward Kyle Brodziak and a conditional draft pick in either 2020 or 2021. Green is at the end of a nice career and this move is definitely a win-win for both organizations.

This was Steve Yzerman's first trade deadline as the Red Wings GM, and I give him a grade of AA!

Thursday, February 20, 2020

Democrats and their Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Candidates

I'm writing a children's book. It is completely original, so any similarities to any other famous children's book is not a thinly-veiled ripoff and Biden-like plagiarism of other's scholarly work, rather is simply coincidental. Enjoy!

The Democrat presidential candidates could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad debate day. 

Creepy Sleepy Joe Biden went to sleep the night before with gum in his mouth and woke up with his dentures staring back at him from the top of his chest and having started the stump speech without him. When Sleepy Joe showed up to the Las Vegas debate venue after hitting the slots and putting his plastic cup full of quarters on the podium - he could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad debate day.

Crazy Commie Bernie Sanders jumped out of bed, combed his hair with a helium balloon and had 3 heart attacks before finishing his bowl of fruity pebbles. But he didn't get the Hammer and Sickle toy inside that he was promised on the back of his cereal box! Crazy Bernie knew he was an awful, abhorrent, ghastly, nasty, and very bad candidate.

When Mayor Pete BootyGiz woke, he couldn't even get out of bed because his husband had fallen asleep on top of the li'l fella and snored, drooled and farted in his face all night. Once the husband rolled over, Mayor Pete tripped over his skateboard and by mistake dropped his feety pajamas in the sink while the water was running. He had to admit he was an ungodly, repulsive, appalling, abominable, disgusting, dreadful, very bad candidate.

Amy K, the Minnesotan Snow woman was there in her blue polyester snow suit, and when she started to speak.. she droned on and on (and on and on) putting many words together in a monotone and irritating manner and making those nearby wishing they suffered from a severe tinnitus condition. Nobody knows (or remembers) what she was saying, and all now agree she was a heinous, detestable, obnoxious, lousy very bad candidate.

Liz 'Pocahontas' Warren and her quivering, condescending whispers, immediately came out on the war path and putting many arrows from her quiver into Mini Mike. Then she passed out leftovers of her famous Pow Wow Chow in Tupperware containers to the other candidates. "I'ma get me a beer," she then stated. She might be only 1/1,024 Native American, but her odds of being elected president rose to a solid 1/1,023! In other words, she is a frightful, horrid, beastly, revolting, very bad candidate.

Mini Mike Bloomberg did not help himself or his chances when before the debate even started, he threw debate moderator Lester Holt up against his podium for a "stop and frisk". He then proceeded to insult farmers, electricians, plumbers, truck drivers, general contractors and laborers of every stripe. For while they built America into the greatest country that ever existed in the history of man, they didn't have his gray matter. He then winked and gave a female moderator a billion dollars and she consented to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad debate day for the democrats. Nothing at all was right. Everything went wrong, right down to lima beans for supper.

What do you do if you're a democrat on a day like that? Well, you may think about going to Australia.

For me, I'm glad I'm on the Trump Train with the destination - the BEST is yet to come!

Sunday, February 16, 2020

Mini Mike Bloomberg to Downsize Hillary?

Mike Bloomberg is a billionaire and Mike Bloomberg is a very tiny man. I had always assumed this narcissistic egomaniac would pick Jyoti Amge  as his number two, so the latest rumor that he was considering naming Hillary Clinton as his pick for vice president threw me for a loop.

Then I remembered that mini Mike probably has a large laser miniaturizer machine in his basement laboratory, and I assume he would insist that Hillary be downsized in order to join him on the ticket. After all, he can't allow his VP to have a left cankle larger than himself. And her incessant coughing would be like a continuous rain forest mist of dog breath.

But then again, does Mini Mike have a death wish? Clearly if Hillary were a heartbeat away from the presidency, she would do everything in her power to suicide the guy. She might be a left wing marxist political hack, but she is a very good suicider. Maybe the best ever. No. It won't be Killery. My bet is that he will select 6'4" drag quees RuPaul.  I wonder what the polling would show for this matchup.

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Somebeach. Somewhere.

Our view from our Deluxe studio at Disney's Vero Beach Resort for the past few days.

Joining Disney Vacation Club a year ago was a great choice. We've been to a resort at Disney World 3 times since January and have stayed at Animal Kingdom Lodge (Savannah view), Boardwalk, Saratoga Springs, Old Key West, and 'our home' at Copper Creek (in Wilderness Lodge) and we are going back in September. Of course there is the Alaska cruise in May on Disney's Wonder. 

PICTURED: Mrs. DaBlade getting directions to the next Disney stop. Going to have to hit them all at least twice. This was our first time at Vero Beach. Probably going to be an annual thing.

P.S. What's on my Kindle?

Saturday, February 8, 2020


It's back! From the makers (me) who brought you the blockbuster blog post (over a dozen views) Obamacare WarGames - The Movie!


In the original WarGames, David Lightman (Broderick) connects his home computer with WOPR (War Operation Plan Response), a NORAD Cray 2, a supercomputer with four vector processors built with emitter-coupled logic and capable of 1.9 GigaFLOPS at peak performance.

In my remake, the progressive Lightweight connects his home computer with WHORE (White House Obamacare Response Exchange), a rebuilt Tandy 1000.
Inside this slightly battered desktop server you'll find an overclocked Intel 8088 CPU (and external 5.25 floppy drive) capable of... err... well, we don't really know the full capability of the server housing this $634 MILLION website - but the demand must be there for it to go down faster than a democrat intern in the oval orifice. Or Sandra Fluke with a purse full of publicly funded rubbers.

Trying to unseat President Trump in 2020? The only winning move is not to play.

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

Did one of Nancy Pelosi's ancestors tear up the Gettysburg Address?

According to wiki, there are only five known manuscripts of the Gettysburg Address in Lincoln's hand. What I'd like to know is, how did my copy get torn?

To answer that question, we need to take another ride in Justice Brett Kavanaugh's old frat house hot tub time machine made from a car battery, jumper cables and spare beer kegger taps.

Cue wavy lines for the blog time travel sequence...

Here we are at Abraham Lincoln's 1863 speech in Gettysburg,  The famous Gettysburg Address lasted about two minutes and is only 272 words, but those words are very memorable.Let's listen in:

Awesome speech. What kind of nutjobs could possibly be against this? Truly one of the greatest presidents who ever lived. Wait... what's this?... One of Nancy Pelosi's ancestors....

America has always had enemies made up from those who hate freedom and liberty.  They will never win.

Monday, February 3, 2020

John Wayne's Ghost not happy with all the Democrats in Iowa today

PICTURED - (background) The legendary actor John Wayne's first home in his birthplace of Winterset, Iowa. If you look closely, the Duke's ghost appears on the porch of his childhood homestead and he appears pissed. (Foreground) I don't think the Duke's ghost is upset with 9-year-old Frankie from Virginia snow blowing his walkway with the help of President Trump. Rather, this manly apparition appears to be scowling at the Bernie Sanders political yard sign, obviously put there by one of the hordes of democrats who have descended on the state for the Iowa Caucuses today. 

John Wayne was always one of the good guys on the big screen, whether playing a cowboy or a military man. His characters were larger than life and symbolized what is great about America and our independent spirit. Everything I've seen suggests he stood just as tall in his private life and epitomized manhood. This obviously stands in stark contrast to the average pathetic gender-confused manbuns and scraggly beards in the democrat party.

So it's no surprise that John Wayne's ghost was rousted from his rest by the sudden infusion of this rabble to the great State of Iowa. What's a little odd though is that the ghost only utters old movie quotes from one of his characters from his lengthy career in films. The Democrat candidates make the mistake of knocking on his door during their canvasing. Here are some of those interactions with the Duke's ghost. Things seem to escalate as the afternoon wanes on...

ANDREW LANG: Knock, knock. Excuse me mister, but would you like a Universal Basic Income of $1000 per month?
DUKE'S GHOST: "Young fella, if you’re looking; for trouble I’ll accommodate ya." — "True Grit" (1969)

MAYOR PETE: Knock, knock. Excuse me sir, but...
DUKE'S GHOST: "Friend, you better get another line of work; this one sure don't fit your pistol." — J.B. Books in "The Shootist" (1976)

AMY KLOBUCER: Knock, knock. I'm asking for your vote today. If you think a women can’t beat Donald Trump, Nancy Pelosi does it every single day.
DUKE'S GHOST: "Hey, stupid! Where do you think you're going? Get back there with the herd, you muttonhead!" — John Wyatt in "Westward Ho" (1935)

JOE BIDEN: Knock, knock. You know, I got hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun and the kids used to come up and reach in the pool and rub my leg down so it was straight and then watch the hair come back up again... I love kids jumping on my lap.
DUKE'S GHOST: "Whoa, take 'er easy there, Pilgrim." — Tom Doniphon in "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance" (1962)

LIZ WARREN:  Knock, knock. Here's the thing. Somebody invested in roads and bridges--if you've got a business, you didn't build that. Im'a get me a beer.
DUKE'S GHOST: “Now you understand. Anything goes wrong, anything at all… your fault, my fault, nobody’s fault… it doesn’t matter… I’m gonna blow your head off. It’s as simple as that.”
– Jacob McCandles in Big Jake 1971, directed by George Sherman

BERNIE SANDERS: Knock, knock. I'm a Democratic socialist, and...
DUKE'S GHOST: I'm gonna use good judgement. I haven't lost my temper in forty years, but pilgrim you caused a lot of trouble this morning, might have got somebody killed... and somebody oughta belt you in the mouth. But I won't, I won't. The hell I won't! - "McLintock!" (1963)


P.S. - Regarding  9-year-old Frankie from Virginia in the photo. If you need the refresher:

Frankie is a great American. He holds his hand over his heart and never kneels for the national anthem. He uses the boy's bathroom at his local Target store. He works for every dollar he has and never takes a handout or feel he is entitled to free anything. He loves God. He loves his country. He loves his Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. And he loves President Trump. Some of his little marxist friends say there is no such thing as Trump. No Donald Trump! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Frankie, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make America great again. Amen

Sunday, February 2, 2020

Groundhogs For Bernie

It's Groundhog Day and on the eve of the Iowa Caucuses, Bernie Sanders is the Democratic front runner.

When considering the Democrat 'big tent' circus coalition of clown jugglers and bearded women in attendance listening to him speak, you can see why.

Once in a lifetime, a masterful politician comes along with fresh, new ideas that will transform the human condition for the better. Bernie Sanders is not one of those politicians.

He is an old commie red who's ideas are not new, and in fact they have been tried repeatedly throughout history and resulting in utter horror, misery and death every single time.  In fact, they've even already been tried on our own shores.

In the year 1607, three ships unloaded 105 men and boys establishing the first English settlement in North America known as the Jamestown colony. Think of them as the very first Berniebros. These pioneer Berniebros immediately implemented pillars of the socialist platform. Jamestown colony socialism - big difference! 

Each bro was content in their belief that they had a human right to free health care. Medicare for all! Berniebros could fritter the day away in their private home libraries instead of doing that back-breaking hunting or gathering. College for all and no student loan debt! The colonists also used wood exclusively for their fires, so they were technically using 100 percent renewable energy. The first Green New Deal?

Workplace Democracy was also born. There was mandatory membership to a union, and all hunting and gathering had to be turned over to the State to pay for all the free stuff. Of course, we can assume preferential treatment was given to any pioneer who was gender-confused, identified as non-binary, genderqueer or in various stages of transitioning.

These practices resulted in almost all of the Berniebros dying in what has come to be known as “the starving time.”

Understandably, men who don’t benefit from their hard work tend not to work very hard.

Here they go again.