Friday, February 28, 2014

"My Brother's Keeper" and other liberal progressive schemes

A Chattering Teeth Cliff Notes translation of President Barack Obama's comments at a White House event to announce the "My Brother's Keeper" initiative.

Good afternoon my N-words. And thank you for that outstanding introduction.

Let me be clear. I am here to continue my campaign of dividing Americans as a means of distraction while I fundamentally change this country into a socialist utopia... like Cuba. Like a magician using misdirection and sleight of hand, I can draw attention to a raised coin in my right hand while my left is busy shredding the Constitution by robo-signing un-American executive orders.


But that's not what I'm here to talk about. Today, I'd like to concentrate on the most important issue of our time. No, not the economy which is clearly in ruins. Not continued rampant unemployment. Not the disaster that is Obamacare. Not the austerious $17 Trillion national debt. Nor do I want to talk about the state of the world which is on the verge of exploding.

Speaking of which, did you catch that North Korea just fired four short-range missiles, only to have them fall harmlessly into the sea? Seriously Kim Jong, that was as impressive as a Dennis Rodman free throw bro. AIIIIR BAAAALLL!

No, today the most important issue of our time is... skin pigmentation. Running a close second is a tie between where homosexuals put their naughty parts, the right for women to murder their own children, free contraception (paid for by those unwilling Christians), an artificial minimum wage that hurts those I purport to help, amnesty for illegals so they can vote me in for a third term... well, you get the idea.


But skin pigmentation trumps them all. Today we celebrate all of the various skin tones that are represented behind me, from the Cracka-like beige, to a little less cream in the coffee, to the cinnamons and the mochas, to the really dark "John Boehner-like" skin tones. Really, all of the skin tones behind me are to be rewarded. Since I get to pick the winners and losers, there will be no actual Crackers, Toe-headed blue eyes with European descent, no reds of the American Indians. No yellows of the Asian persuasions.

It gives me great joy to announce some program called "My Brother's Keeper" initiative. If you're like me, you have a half-brother living in a cardboard shack in Nairobi and hooked on smack. The least we can do is redistribute income from folks with lighter skin pigmentation so the bruthas can play some midnight basketball.


Thank you. May the same God bless you who "blesses" Planned Parenthood. And God bless the Un-United States of America.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Sorry, But Today's Blog Rife With N-words

National Football League owners are considering instituting a 15-yard penalty for any NFL player caught using the N-word on the field.

If the rule change is endorsed by the NFL Competition committee meeting next week in Naples, Florida, it will be presented to owners for a vote.


Dear Blog of the future,

I want to apologize sincerely to you for using (Blank)-words repeatedly and callously in the  above news (Oops! I meant "_ews") story. I _ow know that the original (Blank)-word was meant as a secret pejorative by those white, rich plantation (Blank)FL owners of the past (way back in 2014). It was offered as a substitute for an actual racial slur used, ironically, by the _FL players those crackers used to refer to as "African-Americans".

All day long you would hear those smug and racist progressive cracker _ews people reporting on this _FL rule change saying, "(Blank)-word" this, and "(Blank)-word" that. Truly disgusting to see those old news reels from this disappointing chapter of our _ation's history in 2014.

Thankfully, our King Barrack Hussein Obama instituted that executive order with his pen during his 3rd term which immediately had stricken from our language the use of ANY word that began with the 14th letter of the alphabet, and only begrudgingly permitting use of the 14th letter of the alphabet in the body of a word (as long as the tax-per-use was paid).

This was done because it is now understood by you blog readers of the future that when a cracker would literally say the "(Blank)-word" as a substitute for the actual racial slur, they were thinking about the full racial slur in their heads. UNACCEPTABLE!

As we look back during this time, it is almost funny. First, the _FL instituting the 15-yard penalty for use of the racial slur in 2014. Now we have them shot in the face if the perp is a cracker. Of course, use of this word is still permitted if used by a brutha and it is pronounced as if it ends with the letter "A".


So in conclusion, I hope you crackers have learned something. No we can't get to that racial harmonious utopia today. But we can hasten its coming, and we can start by lobbying the _FL to institute a game misconduct for any openly heterosexual player who substitutes a racial slur with "the 14th letter of the alphabet hypen word" (but only if they suffer from caucasian persuasion).


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Newly appointed U.S. ambassadors invoke "the Fifth" in Senate confirmation hearings when asked if they can find their host country on a map

"I refuse to answer that question under the grounds it may incriminate me."

If the primary qualification to be an ambassador is that they "possess the attributes, experience and skills...  to represent the president", then I guess we have a BINGO. Being as smart as Obama doesn't exactly set the bar very high. No wonder they're always doing the Limbo with our foreign policy.

No offense, but when I listen to Colleen Bell's answer, she sounds a little like that infamous Miss Teen USA 2007 contestant from South Carolina.

JOHN MCCAIN: Miss Bell, as the producer of the soap opera "The Bold and The Beautiful," critics complain that the only reason Obama tapped you as ambassador to Hungary is because you helped raise more than $4.2m for Obama’s re-election campaign, and that you and all the other selections couldn't even find their host country on a map. Why is that?

COLLEEN BELL: "I personally believe that, U.S. American diplomats are unable to do so, because some... diplomats out there in our united nation that don’t have maps, and I believe that our education, like such as in a country that is actually named the HUNGARY, where the children must be absolutely starving... and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should... our education over here in the U.S., should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries like the Benghazi so we will be able to stop disgusting videos that insult the prophet.., for our children... "

JOHN MCCAIN: Great answer. Praise God. I have no more questions for this incredibly highly qualified group of nominees.

George Tsunis, another big Obama contributor, displayed "George Clooney" type intelligence in his answer, when he called one of the political parties in the ruling coalition a “fringe element” and described the country as having a president (it’s a constitutional monarchy).

Obama insists he appointed George Tsunis, hotel executive, to be the new U.S. ambassador to Norway because, "the man knows how to fold a towel into the shape of a swan. Do you think John Bolton could do that? And he tells me he has volumes of knowledge about Norway from the Netflix series Lillyhammer."

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Yes, Virginia. Obama is Wrong (again) - Part Duex

Weird. Virgina O'Hanlon was just 8 years old in 1897 when she wrote the famous letter to the editor of the NY Sun to ask whether Santa Claus really existed. She was still 8 in 2009 when she wrote this blog to Obama to ask whether the First Amendment really existed.

Here it is, 2014, and 8-year-old Virgina O'Hanlon is at it again...


I am 8 years old.

Some of my little friends say there is a Second Amendment right of the people to keep and bear arms. My Common Core school text book says, 'If you hear it from The One, its so.'

Papa says, 'If you criticize that socialist subhuman mongrel in the White House, you will suffer Alinsky-style political retribution and imprisonment.'

Please tell me the truth; is this still America??



VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong and will not be coming back to your school. As for your Papa, he is currently being held for questioning by a team of my IRS auditors, so be a good girl after school tonight because Papa might seem a little different. He has been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical Fox News and the Tea Party. He does not automatically believe what I tell the mainstream media to report, rather he chooses to believe what he sees with his own lyin' eyes. He thinks that nothing like global warming can be which is not comprehensible by actual science. All minds besides mine, Virginia, whether they be Papa's or children's, are little compared to my awesometudiness. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with my boundless glory.

No, VIRGINIA, there is not a f*%$ing Santa Claus or a Second Amendment, unless by "right of the people to keep and bear arms" you mean my Department of Homeland Security agents for whom I'm buying another 704,390,250 rounds of ammunition over the next four years.

Yes we can, VIRGINIA, this is still America, but it is now me. I exists as certainly as my love for power and control disguised as generosity exist, and you know my eloquent rhetorical flourish eminating from my teleprompter gives your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Lord and President, Barrack Hussein Obama. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. As if all the VIRGINIAS were secretly gathered up from their little beds in the dead of night and taken to a bad place for little girls who "do a lot of talking". Am I wrong Virginia?

Not believe in fundamentally transforming the United States of America?! You might as well not believe in fairies Barney Frank! You might get your papa to hire armed men to stand guard for me, but they will not see me coming down the chimney, so what would that prove? I have pledged to act unilaterally against the Second Amendment, “with or without Congress”, with my phone and with my pen. Tell your Papa and his militia friends that if I get hit, I will punch back twice as hard, Virginia. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that Michael Sam won't be selected in the first round of the NFL draft if I have anything to do with it. I know that is off topic, but thats how I roll. Am I wrong Virginia?

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, just stay the f*%k away from my teleprompter. Critics may argue that Hitler's reign started with free healthcare and gun grabbing which resulted in WWII and the Holocaust, but he didn't have to deal with the likes of Ted Nugent or Dinesh D’Souza either. Am I real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else more real and abiding.

No Lord and savior, Barrack Hussein Obama! Thank Marx! I live, and my presidency will live past the current two-term limit and forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, my policies will continue to make miserable the heart of capitalist free-market dissenters.

Am I wrong Virginia?

Friday, February 21, 2014

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry includes 'a dreadful Crème Brûlée' when ranking Global threats

Yes, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry really said this:

"When I think about the array ... of global threats, think about this: terrorism, epidemics, poverty, the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction -- all challenges that know no borders. The reality is that climate change ranks right up there with every single one of them."

It seems he was just getting "warmed up"...

John Kerry ranks Global threats
Terrorism, epidemics, poverty, nukes, climate change... Genghis Khan, swift boats, did I already mention Global Warming? The Tea Party, videos that insult the prophet, Off brand Ketchups, undercooked jamón Ibérico, overcooked Wagyu with white truffle. The reality is that a bottle of 1788 Chateau Lafite being passed off as the vastly superior 1787 ranks right up there with every single one of them.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

If Obama had a JEOPARDY! champ as his Press Secretary, he would look like Arthur Chu

Meet current JEOPARDY! champ Arthur Chu. Even if you don't watch TV game shows much any more, I bet you've heard of him, right? He has won a lot of money on the show (and is going for more) making him a "have", which is reason enough for liberals to hate on him. But what really has the internets a twitter with venomous comments aimed at this boyish stereotypical Asian nerd with a bowl cut comes from "purists" who despise his strategy.

Did someone say 'strategy'? I had no idea strategy came into play with trivia. I always figured that either your brain was filled with this completely useless information or it wasn't. Maybe this is why every Trivial Pursuit game I've ever played has always ended with my little playing piece 5 or 6 wedges short of a full pie.

Back to Chu (Chu Bacca?).

So you ask, "What is it about Chu's strategy that enrages purists and inspires mass quantities of eHate posts to the point where I imagine they have already filled up a couple Google barges full of government hard drives?"

(1) He jumps around the board a lot, and
(2) His very visible use of the buzzer is irritating.

Whoa! And the so-called United Nations remains silent on this? If a badly made video can cause an otherwise peaceful citizenry to rise up and attack our embassy killing four Americans, certainly this arrogant and erratic waving of the JEOPARDY! buzzer could do much worse. May we at least assume the IRS will be targeting this fellow in order to redistribute his ill-gotten booty?

CHU: *BUZZ* *BUZZ* *BUZZ* "Ill-gotten booty? And the answer is Michelle Obama!"
Pipe down Chu. I'll call on you when its your turn.

Apparently, jumping around the board haphazardly gives Chu a slight edge since his brain gets to fire up the area where "1-LETTER WORDS" are stored (for example) a moment earlier than the other Turd Fergusons.

Game purisits must be a little anal for this strategy to upset them. I'm guessing they prefer the player to start at the top for $100 Dollars and to work their way down that row one at a time until they get to the bottom. Then its 15 minutes to Wapner, and on to the backyard swing before bedtime.


If Chu can interrupt the great Alex Trebek, who really thinks Fox News' Ed Henry would stand a chance? Changing the subject is a refined talent this administration craves, and Chu has it down to an art form. "What about Benghazi?" Wouldn't you rather talk about "Potent Potables?"

Why, with Obama's phone and pen, and Chu's buzzer, they could rule the world! A "Daily Double" indeed.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Latest Poll, 71% of Obama supporters suffering from Buyer's Remorse, but so far no returns on this bar light.

The Black House custom Bar Light 

on craig's list starting at just $125... 

This is a one of a kind Obama family bar light.. I promise you will not find one of these anywhere else. It was custom made from a T Shirt design that never ended up being launched so I ended up making it into a bar sign.

A must-have for every beer summit after you've acted stupidly. I wouldn't give a plug nickel for this as I am quite sure I don't have enough liquor in the house to numb the effect this bar light has on me...

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

My Winter Olympic Dream Event

I've only caught bits and pieces of these Winter Olympics. There isn't a whole lot I liked better as a kid then sliding down a snow-covered hill, whether propelling on skis or with my barrack side sitting on a sled or toboggan. Maybe that is why I usually enjoy watching the "ice sports" over a summer soccer match. 

I caught the Jamaican Bobsled run last night and was reminded of the movie Cool Runnings which was inspired by the 1988 Jamaican team that finished in last place with its first ever Bobsled team. 1988 was a quaint time when dreadlocks were not the predominant hair style in the NFL and dope was still illegal. I know. Weird, right mon? This year's edition rocked out a run that was only 6+ seconds off the pace (yes, seconds - not tenths of same). But they did get an egg, which was cool and seemed to make them happy.

I caught a little Luge (is it pronounced "Looogie?") earlier in the week, and an event I don't remember called Skeleton. Skeleton is just a head first version of the Luge where a high speed crash would certainly involve the majority of your bones, starting with the skull (which is a summer rowboat event I think) Its a;ll so very confusing.

What I'd like to see is an event involving the athletes riding down the luge track sitting Indian style on a round Curling stone. Now THAT would best replicate my sugar-induced Kamikaze runs of my youth.


Monday, February 17, 2014

WasObama Animatronic at Disney's Hall Of Presidents Dismantled by the Reagan Bot?

The Hall of Presidents attraction at Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Florida, has been taken over by a large segment of the Animatronic presidential figures this President's Day, 2014. This bloodless coup seemed unprovoked, when suddenly the Ronald Reagan Animatronic slipped the surly bonds of his robotics to "touch the face" of Obamabot. Reagan had the Obama figure in a headlock while the founding fathers pummeled it. When the dust settled and the curtain dropped, all that was left of the Obama robot was a pile of nuts and bolts and a slightly used Obama rodeo mask.

"We were just sitting there enjoying the show," stated one anonymous audience member. "it was nearly over, I know because I've seen this show a million times to listen to the dreamy melifluous speech by President Obama. I know its not really him, but its always been the next best thing. Then Obama starts in with a whole new speech instead of the one he always says. It kind of freaked me out!"

These shocking events were apparently precipitated by the malfunctioning teleprompter 'prop' used for the climatic finish by the Animatronic in the figure of President Obama. Normally the Obamabot is pre-programmed to state the same clap trap his Disney creators with leftist bents have programmed him to say. Instead, it is suspected that someone hacked the programming with a transcript of his new speech containing ACTUAL QUOTES below:

OBAMABOT: I will have the most transparent administration. I have Shovel ready jobs. I do think at a certain point you’ve made enough money. The IRS is not targeting anyone. Benghazi was because of a youtube video. If four Americans get killed... it is not optimal. The future must not belong to those who slander the Prophet of Islam. The sweetest sound I know is the Muslim call to prayer. ObamaCare will be good for America. Whatever we once were, we are no longer a Christian nation. They get bitter, they cling to guns or religion. You can keep your family doctor. Period. Premiums will be lowered by $2500. You can keep your current healthcare plan. No one making less than $250,000 will see their taxes raised one dime.  If I had a son. I am not a dictator. I will put an end to the type of politics that “breeds division, conflict and cynicism. If you’ve got a business — you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen. I am not after your guns. The fact that we are here today to debate raising America's debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. (The BO of 2006) That’s irresponsible. It’s unpatriotic.I have been practicing...I bowled a 129. It's like -- it was like Special Olympics. I've got two daughters... I don’t want them punished with a baby. I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody. The private sector is doing fine. The Public Will Have 5 Days To Look At Every Bill That Lands On My Desk. I will close Gitmo. (my grandmother) she is a typical white person. I am not spying on American citizens. Islam is a religion of peace and tolerance... I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and...

The audience was quietly sobbing. It was at this point in the presentation when the Ronald Reagan Animatronic thankfully intervened.

REAGAN: Well, I've had just about enough of that, how about you?

The Reaganbot now leads in all polls.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

There is only a Barney Frank's difference between the Democrats and the NFL

This WAS NOT Dallas news anchor's reaction to the Democrats.

But if it were, would it go viral?

 Dallas news anchor's reaction to (circle one)  
(A) Michael Sam being gay
(B) Democrat Voters

DISCLAIMER: I may have slightly edited text of this jacka$$es original statement...

"You beat a woman and grab her by the neck and shake her? (Congressman Charlie Wilson D-OH), Welcome to the Democrat Party! You kill people while driving drunk? (the Late Senator Edward M. Kennedy D-MA) That guy's welcome, based on his reelection 7 times... (Politicians) caught in hotel rooms with illegal drugs and prostitutes? (Former Democrat D.C. Mayor Marion Barry or any one of several hundred more) We know they're welcome. Players accused of rape and pay the woman to go away? (Can you say former Democrat president and raper-in-chief Bill Clinton?) You lie to police, trying to cover up a murder? (and his wife, Hillary) We're comfortable with that. You love the Constitution? Well, now you've gone too far you Tea Drinker!" 

Friday, February 14, 2014

My Trip To Florida Quiz

Today's Blog Quiz contains numerous links in the questions and answers which lead to another of my personal favorite chattering teeth blog entries that may require heavy editing before inclusion in my coffee table book. A perfect score on this quiz earns you nothing. However, incorrect guesses shared in the comment section may just make the cut in my tome. Good luck!


While I sat on a black padded bench seat in the Delta wing of the Atlanta airport waiting to fly into Palm Beach last week, I inserted my _____________ into one of the numerous electrical outlets to ___________.


My destination was Palm Beach...

A) because I planned to pursue my dream working as a Cuban cabana boy.
B) to participate in a scheduled croquet tournament match against Rush and Kathryn Limbaugh.
c) to exhibit my Barbie collection at the World Barbie Collection Convention.
D) to visit family who recently relocated there and set up a Florida branch office for their business.   


Pictured is my wife and I "roughing it" on Palm Beach last weekend.

(Why does she look the same as she did in this pic from our honeymoon and I look like 28 years later?)

Pictured: This is NOT Renée Zellweger and Tom Selleck on a Hawaiian booze cruise.


Upon my return to Michigan, I noticed that my skin had turned a dark olive tone. Why?

A) My Mary Kay lady mistakenly filled my order for foundation with "Native American" instead of my usual base, "Naive American" and a full refund is forthcoming.
B) Going back to work always increases the blood pressure, giving my cheeks a rosy appearance.
C) Apparently a byproduct of that hot ball of flaming gasses in the Florida sky


I. 'Kindle Paperwhite' and 'recharge the battery'.

I don't fly very often, so the numerous charging stations for electronic devices slightly amazed me. I was born a poor introverted child, so you might assume I would be all over having a smartphone I could hold up to my face to bathe in the radioactive glow, while my opposable thumbs danced a magical choreography on it's glassy screen, captivating my attention and fascination to the exclusion of the rest of the human race. I seriously have no idea what everybody stares at on those things because I have never had a smartphone. I don't even carry a dumbphone anymore (unless I am traveling to Aldi by myself).
Give me Kindergarten Logistics any day!

I know most folks can't imagine NOT carrying a phone, and I'm not bragging when I say I don't. I just don't need to. Its not that I shun technology, people. I WAS reading my Kindle after all. And its not like I'm incommunicado. If you want to reach me, send me an email or call Mrs. DaBlade. NOTE: I only get emails when I log into my account from a computer. If my pocket buzzes and vibrates, it is not a cell phone, but likely my pet squirrel demanding attention.

To put it simply, if I was an Amish farmer in the late 1800s, I would still be barn raising with my T-shaped wood handle hand beam auger instead of that newfangled Hand Crank Drill with the fancy wood swivel knob. No thanks, out of control technology! Those things make Jebediah and the boys look like they're churning butter rather than helping me raise my hay-filled man cave.

II. The correct answer is 'D', but I am accepting 'A' and 'B' for partial credit due to those options being highly likely in the event I would have ended up staying. But alas, no, we came home this past Monday as planned, and beating the winter storm by mere hours. God thing, or I'd probably STILL be reading my Kindle in the Atlanta airport. We toyed with staying in Florida, but at the end of the day it came down to the deep responsibility I have for this blog. (**harumph**)

III. Because she treats her body like a temple and you treat yours like a tent. (Jimmy Buffet)

IV. All of the above.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Sandra Fluke engages in Congressional Coitus interruptus only to strap it on for a Senate bid

Sandra Fluke pulls out early and just says no to her Congressional suitors, telling them, "it's not you, it's me."

A Chattering Teeth exclusive! This reporter was given 12 minutes to pump miss Fluke for information, provided I do it on her home turf and in a location she felt most at home. So there we were, in her car's back seat.

Unfortunately, the first 5 minutes of my allotted time were spent untangling a misunderstanding she had for the special purpose of our meeting this day. When I assured her, "not in a million years, even if she were the only pseudo-female left," and then vomited a little on myself, did she finally understand .

"You're not the first to travel the well worn carpet in my Georgetown dorm room wanting 'just to talk', so let's do this!," said Sandra Fluke.

"So Miss Fluke, first let me just say I am surprised by your choice of automobile. I really envisioned you driving a Volvo, but an actual Weiner Hot Dog Truck?" I looked around the interior of the vehicle, noticing unidentifiable stains and numerous hand and foot prints on the sidewalls, windows and ceiling. There was a pair of fuzzy somethings hanging from her rear view mirror, but they didn't look like dice exactly. There was even the red "take a number" ticket dispenser mounted on the console she said had sentimental value from her college days.

Let's just say I like the ride, but please call me "Sa-Handy", as she bit her lip in a sad attempt to look sexy, initiating another round of my unfortunate and spontaneous projectile vomiting.

Once I was down to occasional dry heaves, I continued.

Miss Fluke, Please tell my readers why you decided against running for retiring Rep. Henry A. Waxman’s congressional seat.

OK, like, I was totally like "Wax" and "seat", and I'm like totally "for sure!," because if there is one thing I need more than anything is a beauty waxing of the whole seat area region down there.

Not to mention some touchup on your upper lip, but I digress. So what you're saying is you originally thought you were signing up for a double buddha-sized 'bikini' wax?

That's right, but then I found out it had something to do with a job inside some Republican controlled frat house, so I aborted that baby immediately.

Instead, you're going to run for the state Senate seat currently held by Ted Lieu, who is running for Waxman’s congressional seat? Why?

Well duh! Mainly because Harry Reid and the rest of my progressive activists are in charge there. I believe that the freaks and peeps of this district deserve to have a fresh perspective from a new generation of progressive leadership in Sacramento, and I am eager to get to work fighting for the causes that matter most to our future as a community, state and nation. Namely, "FREE CONTRACEPTION!" and this means more jobs created and a condom factory on every corner spitting out the prosperity rather than swallowing it... What were we talking about again?

Based on the numerous egg timers and sand-filled hour glasses, our time is about up. I'll give you the last word. What do you have to say to your critics who believe you are nothing more than an ignorant ho enjoying temporary fame from the clueless progressive left because you want to hump-a-lot at taxpayer expense?

Let me just say this. I'm a rubber and you're spew, whatever you spray bounces off me and sticks to you.

Well said Miss Fluke. You just may be the most intelligent Democrat making the most sense in decades. I wish you well in the chamber of the legislative branch.

Wha? "legs..." what, and chamber what? How large is this branch, and is it stiff? So I'm like "For sure!" Sounds fun!

So in conclusion,  if you live in the greater Sacramento area, keep a look out for Sandra Fluke behind the wheel of her oversized weiner mobile, passing out condoms and STDs to the willing progressive freak show masses.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

O'Reilly interviews Beltway Schmo on Super Sunday

Bill O'Reilly interviews President Obama on Super Bowl Sunday. O'Reilly is on Obama's home turf, surrounded by the president's "body men" and muscle just off camera and all unsmiling and eye-balling Bill. He has 12 minutes to get to the truth. Will he succeed?
Meanwhile, stage right. Broadway Joe Namath strolls the concourse at Met Life stadium looking for the jacka$$ that stole his mink coat.
BROADWAY JOE: "At least I found these digs. Not as sweet as the coat, but it will do in a pinch."

Meanwhile, across the hall in Bruno Mars' dressing room, a young man awakens with a headache.

BRUNO: "Someone must have knocked me out cold. Where is my suit? Better yet, why am I wearing mom jeans with a presidential seal for a tag?"

Monday, February 3, 2014

Super Recap in 5 Minutes

 5 minute recap of yesterday, with a down-and-dirty short list of winners and losers.

*Seattle Sea Hawks
*Russell Wilson
*Bruno Mars
*Jerry Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, Oh and that Doritos Time Machine. That made me laugh.
*Ted Cruz. No idea what he was up to yesterday, but I have no doubt it was awesome!

*Denver Broncos
*Peyton Manning
*Red Hot Chili Peppers
*Some guy who apparently was good at playing make-believe was found dead in his apartment with a needle of spent heroin in his arm. Some in my FB friend list of well over 200 (that's right. Hate to brag) think this was a "Tragedy". Unless it's proven that somehow that needle was thrown from street level up to and through his window, only to land into his arm vein and inject itself, I will not use that word. And should someone who makes a living and gets rich playing dressup and make-believe be called a genius?
*Obama and Bieber will make this list every day.
That's it. I'm sure there is more but my 5 is up. Time for work!

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Obama Girlie Throws a Football

We already knew he couldn't bowl, shoot skeet, throw a baseball, or even play golf or basketball very well. If this football went 10 yards, I'd be surprised. Just tuck it under the arm and follow that devastating blocking machine up front!
On Sunday, President Obama celebrated the Super Bowl by having the White House tweet a picture of him throwing a football
“I would not let my son play pro football...”  unless Mooshell was on the O line.

Mass Mobs filling NY churches. I hope this is contagious!

Mass mobs fill pews, lift prayers at NY churches

BUFFALO, N.Y. (AP) -- You've heard of flash mobs? Behold the Mass mob.

Playing off the idea of using social media to summon crowds for parties or mischief, mobs of Buffalo-area Roman Catholics have been filling pews and lifting spirits at some of the city's original, now often sparsely attended, churches.

Mass prayer mobs. What a cool idea. I will admit some apprehension based on the headline alone. I envisoned a mass riot of "Praise and Worshipers" invading my church and blocking my view with raised hands and Dougie dance moves. NTTAWWT (Not That There's Anything Wrong With That).

Seriously, I don't mean to disparage anyone who goes to church and praises God by flailing their arms like they are responsible for taxiing a 747 into the hangar. It's just not for my wife and I. We like "old school". OK, not so old that the priest faces away from us the entire hour while he chants Latin. I'm talking Vatican II "old school".

Visitors experience the architecture, heritage and spirit of the aging houses of worship and the churches once again see the numbers they were built for, along with a helpful bump in donations when the collection baskets are passed.

"I call these churches faith enhancers. You can't help but walk in and feel closer to a higher power,"

I get the multifaceted motivations from the Mass Mob participants. *Worship *Variety/Beauty *Community *Evangelizing. *Breakfast? :)

One of my wife and my favorite things to do while out of town on any given Sunday is to attend Mass at the local Catholic Church. There are so many beautiful jewels across this land, why wouldn't we stop and pick them up along the way? And it is always good to be reminded that our home congregation at Swartz Creek's St. Mary Queen of Angels is not alone in lacking the ability to carry a tune. Of course, I'm talking about the congregation in the pews.  Thank goodness for our beautiful choir and cantors.

I didn't always feel that way. I admit I used to view this activity as an unnecessary vacation interruption. Now it really is one of the highlights of any trip we take. Did you know there are churches in pretty much any town you visit? Yes, even Orlando and Disney World has churches (though admittedly some REAL CHARACTERS in attendance, and the priest's vestments include a  black birettta with mouse ears). Just kidding.

For example, our recent excursion to northern Michigan and the Traverse City area for a wine tasting tailgate and scavenger hunt on Old Mission Peninsula on one Saturday in January, found us in one of the pews at Christ the King Catholic Church the following Sunday.

(NOTE TO SELF: Yes, this is wine country, but the priest frowns upon a critique of the Blood of Christ immediately following communion, even when its a thumbs up... "Full bodied, with impeccable salvation and a glorious finish!"). Not really.

Or a few years back on our last trip to Las Vegas and a stay at the Mirage, a short 20 minute walk along the strip brought us to the Guardian Angel Cathedral just north of the Wynn. What a beautiful church, as modern architecture goes, with stained glass a veritable kaleidoscope of colors, though the slot machines in the lobby were a little salacious. Just kidding!

(NOTE TO SELF: They don't LOVE spare $1 casino chips in the collection plate). Again, not really.

So in conclusion, go to church today. Even if you are in a Mass Mob of "one", the Father, Son and Holy Spirit will accompany you. Guaranteed.