Monday, October 30, 2017


Green Tea Kit Kat Bar [here] - One of the more popular flavors in Japan.
*Appears this was made in Chernobyl. Kids, I recommend letting it steep for 7 full minutes.

Swedish Fish Minis, Soft & Chewy Gummy Candy [here] - They taste like fruit, not like fish. Get some now and share them with friends.
*But ARE they fish? Nothing says "candy" like a good 'ol carp chew.

Bigfoot Ballz Sour Candy - Mystery Flavor Balls [here] -Mystery-licious Flavor - 100% Mysterious like Bigfoot! …Relax …nothing weird. Seriously, they’re fruity & delicious.

Larvets Worm Snax - [here] "Don't want to hand out candy? For the most brave among your students, try Larvets. These edible, farm-raised larva are Bar-B-Que, Cheddar Cheese, or Mexican Spice flavored. With only nine calories per serving, these genuine farm-raised edible insects will be a real hit. An unforgettable way to begin a food science or health unit. These dried, delicious treats are great fun. Some of our students describe the taste and crunch as similar to popcorn."

*Bug Zappitty Delicious! The bucket o' worms are in a bowl on the porch, kids. Just one handful! Don't be greedy!

Sunday, October 29, 2017

FrankenMueller's monster

President Trump has called it a "witch hunt".

FrankenMueller's monster appears to be digging a fresh grave and looking for dirt in Trump's yard, but he's coming up empty with each scoop of the shovel. "I got a rock," he seems to be saying. FrankenMueller's monster also hates fire. "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!," scream the GOP with their pitchforks and torches, calling for the monster's stitched head. However, the special prosecutor is a being of the undead and will therefore wreak as much havoc as possible before succumbing to the light of truth.

...but its actually Crooked Witch Hillary who knows where the bodies are buried, for it was her campaign and the DNC who planted them. Crooked Witch Hillary is wicked and desirous of the ruby red slippers of power. She was willing to stoop to anything and cast any dark spell to acquire them. Her flying monkeys in the media were willing to do her bidding at every turn. Alas, last November was like a cold bucket of water poored over her crooked and twisted head. She has been doing a slow melt ever since.

Meanwhile, Vlad the Pootie Poot watches from the sidelines and just laughs his evil laugh. Vlad would have much preferred that Crooked Witch Hillary had acquired the ruby red slippers of power, for it was her with Obamazombie and his "flexibility" that allowed Pootie Poot to stockpile our uranium in his castle's cellar. Still, he finds it humorous watching the flying media monkeys falsely accusing President Trump for Crooked Witch Hillary's crimes.

Lest ye are now full of despair (and those awesome mini Snickers bars you've raided from the trick-or-treat stash) All is not lost, for President Trump defends his domain with a pair of Crystal Balls and wooden stakes to fend off these undead creatures of the night.


Friday, October 27, 2017

Do The Hillary Russian Dossier Do

A day in the life of a 6th grade boy in 1972 (a scary short story) 
Nothing was more terrifying to this 12-year-old boy back in 1972 than the angst leading up to 6th grade "music" class when the crazy old bag teacher made us square dance.

I was a rail-thin introvert with a funny mop of untamed black hair. I was an ok student. Not great, but ok. I would slink down in my chair and made every attempt to stay invisible during the school day, least-wise until the final bell when I would race to my patrolboy post a few blocks away, buckling the bright fluorescent orange belt with sash. I never lost one walker my entire patrolboy career.

Duties fulfilled, I would race home to do my paper route so I could finish in time to watch Lost in Space on television. Oh, Penny! You can jaywalk by my patrol post any day! Then back outside to either ride my bike (apple red with the black, banana seat and tall sissy bar) or play street hockey or football with the fellas until dark.

DID I MENTION the thing about the Square dancing yet? I did? I still don't like to think about it. All kidding aside, this was cruel and unusually punishment and torture administered on an awkward pre-teen boy.

I respected authority, and respected my elders (as most of us did back in those days I suspect - unlike today). I didn't WANT to defy a teacher, but I was given no real choice. Either Square dance when its your turn, or to the principal's office and a call to my parents. I went with "B". I was sure my parents would side with me over this unfair dichotomy! My dad was a Flint cop who would know criminal injustice perpetrated by this evil state-controlled public elementary school administration against a defenseless student (me), and my mom loved me and wouldn't want me to come to this harm, would she?

Boy, did I ever misjudge their reaction. My mom thought the square dancing thingy was cute, and she was horrified that I defied the teacher. My father left most things domestic to my mother, so no help there. The next day found me on stage during "music" class, quietly sobbing as I did the "Dosey do" and the "allemande left" or whatever that dude was chanting on the scratchy record, LOCKING ELBOWS with the girls and skipping in circles - catching cooties and narrowly avoiding purposefully launching myself into the void off the edge of the auditorium stage .

I still sometimes vault upright in bed, awakened by memories of this nightmare, breathing heavily, sweat soaking my sheets... an inadvertent release of bladder not suffered since childhood. to this day I won't dance at a wedding reception or anywhere else its expected.


P.S. -I was reminded of this childhood horror with the whole Hillary Clinton story in the news, and how her campaign actually funded the fake Russian dossier on Trump. For some reason, the word "dossier" made me keep thinking "Dosey do", and I was immediately transported back in time.

...and voia', my own square dance was born, with a touch of the Hokey Pokey and just a pinch of The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Enjoy. Or be horrified.

Do The Hillary Russian Dossier Do

Bow to your partner (Putin), bow to your corner, Soros and the DNC-funded Fusion
All join hands and circle left, you circle way out wide,
Fusion Collusion confusion
They'll never know we lied!

Dosier do your corner, 
Dosier do your partner

Putin your left cankle in,
Putin your left cankle out.
Putin your left cankle in,
and you shake it all about.
You dodge imaginary sniper fire 
from the Bosnians all about
Fake news to create Trump doubts.

Dosier do your corner, 
Dosier do your partner

Now join hands with the media and Promenade
you take a little walk 'cause it's ninety in the shade.
Chicken's in the main stream media picking out dough.
Granny, does your dog bite? No, child, no.

Dosier do your corner, 
Dosier do your partner.

Monday, October 23, 2017

Trick-or-treating at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue 2017

"I'll get it. This I will tell you. Buhleeeve me!"
"Nobody's here, Melania. Just another empty barrel."
"I'm a rock star!"


Friday, October 20, 2017

Trump "Trinitys" Frederica

What's with the wacky cowboy hat on political hack congresswoman Frederica Wilson? What a despicable person. Of course, President Trump's and General Kelly's responses had me thinking about a particular scene from my favorite western that does not star Clint Eastwood.
Trinity - Quick Draw Bitch Slap

If I had the time and patience, I would have made an actual animated gif, but you'll just have to use your imagination.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Yo, Just Dronin' on

DRONES ALERT! LAPD becomes largest police department in the nation to deploy the controversial technology.
Advocates say camera-mounted drones could help protect officers and others by collecting crucial information during high-risk situations or searches without risking their safety. For many privacy advocates and police critics, however, the drones stir Orwellian visions of unwarranted surveillance or fears of militarized, weapon-toting devices patrolling the skies.

...The debate over whether  the LAPD should use drones began in 2014, when the department received two Draganflyer X6 drones from police in Seattle — devices the Washington agency unloaded after heavy criticism from the public... the drones were grounded — and ultimately destroyed — before they were ever flown.

Or WERE they???

It seems that at least one police drone has survived this 2014 culling and has managed full immersion and is currently embedded and accepted into a violent Los Angeles gang as one of their own.

PICTURED: LAPD undercover officer, code name "Zumbido". He appears here in silhouette to keep his identity a secret from the various LA gangs like the Crips, the bloods, the Mexican Mafia and the Triads - just to name a few. He Works undercover, wearing street clothes and disguises to blend in with the locals.

The buzz on the street.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Hillary "Boots" Another!

Chattering Teeth News - The New York Giants are at the bottom of the NFC East with a 1-5 record but that may be about to change. Rumor has it that 70-year-old Hillary Clinton will be the Giants new field goal kicker.

Hillary said she broke her toe after apparently running down the stairs in heels and falling backward while dodging imaginary sniper fire. The broken bone was routinely set, but required a boot brace to keep the gnarled & hairy digit in place with the railroad spike pin. The problem was that none of the standard boot braces would fit over the triceratops-like cankle of the former first lady.

That's where an emergency team at NASA came in. The 3am call came in, and they worked tirelessly through the night using cutting edge technology and spare shuttle parts to craft a space-age boot brace worthy for Hillary. A Black Hawk helicopter delivered the hardware to a waiting trauma team, and the boot brace was successfully installed.

Hillary quickly discovered her newfound raw kicking talent by accident, as the first 'pig skin' she launched was actually her husband Bill through her hospital room window after she caught him oogling a chunky female candy striper. Bill was estimated to have travelled 50 yards into the parking lot and was witnessed by NY Giant's coach, Ben McAdoo.  Hillary finally agreed to the coach's pleadings for her to come to the practice field the next day, but only after McAdoo promised to buy a copy of her new book, What Happened.

What happened, indeed. The next morning, Hillary started launching 40-yard 'warm-up' field goals, knocking balls through the uprights just as quickly as Eric the holder could set them in front of her. The rest of the team stood on the sidelines in awe to watch this combnation of cankle and heat shield power. The ball was moved further and further away until Hillary was actually kicking 110-yard field goals from the opposite goal line.

Coach McAdoo says the team started using a nickname for her - 'Carpetbagger' Clinton - because of her proclivity for hitting field goals from anywhere on the 100-yard long carpet. Hillary assumed the term was meant as a pejorative and that the team didn't accept her as a true New Yorker. In fact, after the ball boy cheered, "WAY TO GO CARPETBAGGER!" in response to another 3-pointer, his body was later found in Fort Marcy Park.

Good luck to Mrs Clinton, as she has been named the starting kicker for this Sunday's matchup against the visiting Seattle Seahawks.

Let's hope this sports stint goes better than when Hillary worked as the NY Yankee's closer for a short time in 2009 after she had surgery to repair a fractured right elbow. (one of the earliest recorded injuries from dodging imaginary sniper fire) 

She was throwing the heat in excess of 100-mph and striking out batters. The problem was the Yankee's vertical pinstriped uniforms, and their propensity to make the wearer appear even heavier. Once Hillary donned these pinstripes on her already-massive thighs, the rest of the team became violently ill and she was summarily released.

Back in 2012 Clinton fell again, narrowly avoiding that imaginary Bosnian hitman, but hitting her head and sustained a concussion. Medication dissolved whatever xrays were able to pick up inside her skull, and resulted in Obama's foreign policy. It's all in her new book, soooo...


Sunday, October 15, 2017

Obama's official portraits news you've been waiting for!

Barack and Michelle Obama choose artists to paint their official portraits
The Smithsonian revealed on Friday the two artists set to paint official portraits of Barack and Michelle Obama, and the former first couple's choices are inspired...

Both portraits are set to be unveiled in early 2018 and hang in the National Portrait Gallery. The Obamas each selected the artist that would paint their portrait.
Or how about a little self portrait?

Friday, October 13, 2017

The Chattering Teeth Haunted Blog Post

Welcome to my digital Halloween haunted blog post of horrors. This post may make you wet heave in your mouth a little, sweat from your forehead in anxiety and to wring your hands in discomfort. You will likely wonder how you ended up here at the dead end of the internet, and you will probably leave via the quickest link out of here with a look of distaste and revulsion (if not simply smashing your device against on the sidewalk or nearest wall). In other words, you will suffer much the same reaction to every other post I've ever digitally littered here.

Your first stop is here in the Jimmy Kimmel's Torture Chamber of Unfunny Clowns. 

Imagine you are herded into a dark and musty foyer area with your terrified party. The double doors slam shut behind you, and you are now a captive audience for what comes next. A curtain opens and a dim spotlight illuminates Jimmy Kimmel surrounded by other very unfunny clowns. You cover your ears in an unsuccesful attempt to block the wretched sounds of his monologue. It doesn't work. You hear his whiny voice complain about the lack of free healthcare and the injustice of free market capitalism. Your blood-curdling screams are the only sounds that block out his intermittent sobbing.

Suddenly the curtain closes and the doors swing open as your party rushes to exit.

You enter Bernie Sander's "Democrat Socialism - Big Difference" butcher shop and Insane Asylum. 

Pictures adorn the walls of this madhouse. Mao Zedong. Stalin. Pol Pot. Hitler. Ho Chi Min. Kim Sung il. Saddam Hussein. Hirohito. Chiang Kai-Shek. Castro. Che. A crazy old man in a straightjacket with white, fly-away hair stumbles towards you... and in a thick Brooklyn slur, yells - "Democratic genocide. Big Difference!

You run through the asylum, passing bloody butcher shop displays and finally launch through what you hoped would be the exit, but instead you find yourself in...

Harvey Weinstein's Audition Rape Rooms

You see the pervert himself, Harvey Weinstein, and he offers you a way out through the clawing hands. Matt Damon, George Clooney, the Obamas and the Clintons block all other sources of egress and you have no other choice but to run through this gauntlet of Hollywood perversion.

You sprint through this maze only to find yourself confronting your worst possible nightmare.. You are in a replica of the Oval Office. Standing in front of the Resolute desk to greet you is none other tha President [fill in the blank].

of course, there are many more scary potential future presidential nightmares. This one's mine. What's yours?


P.S. I have other room ideas I may add. Like:

Michael Moore's "2nd Amendment-free zone"
Hillary Clinton "What Happened? Cankle Walk"
Nancy Pelosi's "Slippery Denture Quake Room"
Chucky Schumer's "Doll House"

So stay tuned.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Michelle Obama's "Palette Glasses"

MOOCH: "It's a feeling of color, almost. On one side of the room, it's literally gray and white, literally, that's the color palette on one side of the room. On the other side of the room, there's yellows and blues and whites and greens, physically there's a difference in color in the tone. Because one side, all men, all white. On the other side, some women, some people of color. And I look at that and I go, no wonder. No wonder we shhhtrugle (struggle)."
(do NOT click the "shhhtrugle" link unless you are a glutton for Mooch-speech)

"...No wonder we don't trust politics. But it's not just politics."

Hi! Billy Mays here again, for Michelle Obama's "Palette Glasses".

Now you don't need to spend a gajillion dollars and financially burden yourself for life with student loan debt in order to get indoctrinated by marxist professors just so you can separate people by skin pigmentation. For just $9.99, you too can shake that old habit of measuring people individually by the "content of their character." AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! The Palette Glasses have a gay-friendly rainbow of colors embedded in the left lense, and a dirty, scratched lense with shades of gray on the right.  

Call now and we’ll send you the Genitalia Blocker with Pirate Patch!

Monday, October 2, 2017

Should-a been-a cowboy

Cowboys in Patagonia
and 45 other "Unbelievably Gorgeous Nature Photos"

...Should have learned to rope and ride.