Thursday, February 28, 2013

Has Bob Woodward been "Taken" by an unhinged Obama on the eve of Sequestration?

A day after receiving a threatening email from a senior person at the White House stating, "You're going to regret doing this", Bob Woodward has disappeared.

According to a senior editor at the Washington Post, nobody has heard from Woodward since his interview with "Blitz" on CNN last night, and he's not answering his cell. It was during this interview, coincidentally, when Woodward stated that Obama has been "showing a kind of madness I haven't seen in a long time."

It is no secret that Woodward has been going "off script" by slamming Obama over the "looming forced cuts" known as the sequester. Doesn't he know that The New Journalist does not question The One with unscreened queries?

According to an unidentified neighbor who wished to remain anonymous: "Bob had been on edge lately, whispering over the hedges at me to 'watch my corners', stating obama had completely become unhinged and was likely to do anything to retaliate.

I'm glad he warned me, cuz the night before last, a fleet of busses marked Department of Homeland Security pulled up out front of Bob's place at about 2AM. The head bus was being driven by that salt and pepper haired butch biotch, what's her name? Napolean-tano?

Anyways, when the doors opened, the busses released hundreds of dudes in bandanas and orange jumpsuits clutching AK-47 assault rifles. I'm pretty sure they were them illegal immigrants released from those detention centers we weren't supposed to read about. As Napoleantano sped away, I read a bumper sticker on the back of the bus that said 'Fast and Furious II'".

"I still worry at night,"  whined U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder.

Oh, not about thwarting foreign terrorist plots from a peace loving al Qaeda. No, no , no! I worry about domestic terrorists like this Bob Woodward character. How can he call himself a journalist and yet defy Barack Hussein Obama's party line?

It's these Home-Grown terrorists who are the real threat,

Harrassing emails. Repeat IRS audits against high profile conservatives. Don't worry, we'll get to you low profile conservative bloggers in the third term.

The funny thing is that the majority of low information obama voters thought that this last election was about freedom to "love whomever you want", but if they step out of line... it's they who will be getting some unwanted "love" from bubba in the re-education camps.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Debt Clocks and Space Rocks

The Democrats who originally complained about the presence of a debt clock on Capitol Hill, stating that it was "a political prop designed to message ideologically," now say it can stay - but ONLY, they insist, if we Spring Forward a few $Trillion.

In other news, the surprise meteor that exploded over the Russian Urals two weeks ago has been given a name. It shall now be know as "Fluke 2013". Not officially, mind you. Just on this blog. Hey, if the Weather Channel can name a 3" snow "storm" as "Rocky", then I feel empowered to name this space rock "Fluke 2013" in honor of Sandra.

Remember, two weeks ago the big hullabaloo was about some space rock named 2012 DA, and all it did was speed by Earth as a close call.  How does it get off with being named, and the one that actually hit and did damage did not?

Think about it, this rock and Fluke's notoriety are due to each leaving their respective belts behind, making a spectacle of themselves and causing innocent bystanders to clean up and pay for their damage. And both of them are now just smoldering large craters.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Obama meets with The Governor of Woodbury

DID the president hold a secret meeting with "The Governor" of Woodbury, from AMC's hit zombie series, The Walking Dead?

Here is what we know from yesterday's meeting...
We join in progress, as obama "asks" THE PRESS to leave before a private Q&A with the governors, where he plans to bully, threaten and cajole them into pressuring those in congress opposed to his socialist policies.

OBAMA: "With that, I want to clear out the press so we can take some questions."

THE PRESS: But Mister President sir, we just want to be NEAR YOU! We MUST HEAR your honeyed and mellifluous rhetoric, as it caresses our ears!  And WE JUST MUST attempt for our cameras to capture even just a small measure of your magnificents. We'll DO AND SAY AND WRITE anything you want us to, just like always! We'll be good, promise!

OBAMA: "ACCESS DENIED. Now go to your rooms!", ordered the President, as he swatted yet another fly away that kept lighting on his face.

With that last executive order, THE PRESS collectively shuffled out the door - heads down and bottom lips protruding - dragging their cameras, microphones and teddy bears behind them, bumping on each step as they climbed the stairs to go "nite nite". No coverage. No storytime.
Not even a Partridge Family party bus filled with drugs and hookers to keep them appeased this time.

Needless to say, THE PRESS wasn't happy getting the boot. "They should be used to it by now," thought Obama, remembering the countless times he sent THE PRESS away so he could have a little one-on-one and alone time with his "body man" Reggie Love, snorting coke and holding their own miniature governor's meeting" in private.

After the meeting, when South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley and Louisianna's Bobby Jindal took to the microphones in the parking lot, Obama had a secret meeting with "The Governor" from Woodbury.
OBAMA: Except for the eye patch Governor, you and I have a lot in common. No, I don't keep any animated severed zombie heads in fish tanks, but having Joe Biden as a sidekick is pretty close. You're the charismatic leader of the fictitious town of Woodbury, and I lead the fictitious United States of America. Oh, it's a real place, but I've made sure it's no longer "united" by my socialistic policies and class warfare propaganda.

As The Governor of Woodbury, you barricade yourself behind walls to deny access to the zombie walking dead - but without these brainless obamabots, you wouldn't be in power. They are like my voters that way.

Yes, a utopian community in all but one thing. Those armed individuals down the road who would rather live in a prison than under your authoritarian thuggery. You need to take their guns away and force them into Woodbury's re-education camps.  You and I face virtually the same challenges, so we need to pool our resources.

For starters, gimmee the eye patch. "Reggie will love that!"

Monday, February 25, 2013

Michelle Obama's subliminal Oscar Message

As I started shaving this morning, Michelle Obama's holographic image suddenly appeared in the steam-fogged mirror crudely pixelated with severe jagged edges, as if she were a poorly done photoshop by someone in a hurry to get to work on time. She wore a silver, art deco-inspired gown that looked sorta like aluminum foil, and clashed with my shower curtain.

Me: Mrs. Obama? Is that you, or are you some spirit come to warn me about something?

Michelle: Well, both. I am appearing via streaming video from the White House to all the citizens who failed to tune in to the Oscars last night to witness my surprise appearance there.

Me: As difficult as it was to not tune into the show to watch self-indulgent and arrogant Hollywood lib types like George Clooney and Ben Affleck give each other awards and pats on the back for a "job well done" playing make-believe pretend in front of a camera in movies I have never seen (or intend to), I was otherwise detained.

Michelle: You just may be detained mister. Apparently, you don't understand the complicated logistics of pulling off that top secret feed. The President is very insistant that ALL THE CITIZENS hear the message that "we can overcome any obstacle," and all the other surreptitious and subliminal messages to the citizens.

As much as I tried to fight off her voice, I felt myself being hypnotized and as dumbed-down as a democrat. I remember mumbling "hope"... "change".... and then I passed out.

I awoke in front of the bathroom sink with my forehead planted on the linoleum, pointing in an easterly direction towards the throne of Washington where I download my orders.

The throne of Washington is a pet name I gave to my toilet. Time to download.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

CAPTION THIS, on Double Entendre Saturday


DOUBLE - means "two", or "a pair", and
ENTENDRE - is French, meaning "mammary bullets"

OK, just kidding. A Double entendre has nothing to do with Katy Perry’s boobs, rather it is "a word or expression capable of two interpretations with one usually risquรฉ." (per Merriam-Webster)

With today's blog lesson plan taken care of, it's time for recess, as we play:
Picture is courtesy of the National Enquirer, (where I like to go for my hard news)
According to the article, Ellen and Porta De Potty (whatever her name is) wed in 2008 but, sources say they’ve hit a few rough patches as Ellen devotes more and more time to her soaring career.

Maybe it's just me, but the last thing I want to hear about are a couple of middle-aged lesbian's rough patches. By the way, Ellen and Porta De Potty remind me of a couple of penguins by the way they're dressed in the photo.

I imagine Ellen telling one of her famous jokes to Katy's boobs:
“I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn’t really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike.  It’s not like they’re going to meet a better looking penguin someday.”

By the way Katy, I'm not really a penguin, even though she makes us dress like this. Penguins are actually a group of aquatic, flightless birds living almost exclusively in the southern hemisphere. Speaking of your "southern hemisphere", you wanna dance?

Thursday, February 21, 2013

800,000 furlough is obama's "Finger in the Mail"

King Sequester The Molester 
King Sequester "The Molester"
Bides his time with Biden his Jester
Roads and bridges, their main investor
Neither one sports any chest hair
Gutting the Military and blame John Boehner

The Pentagon warned 800,000 civilian employees worldwide Wednesday that they will be forced to take unpaid leave if deep budget cuts take effect next week, fueling growing anxiety about the impact of the automatic spending reductions on the nation’s economy and security.

“There is no mistaking that the rigid nature of the cuts forced upon this department, and their scale, will result in a serious erosion of readiness across the force,” Secretary of Defense Leon E. Panetta said to employees in a memo issued Wednesday.

DaBlade's 30 second commentary:
The sequester was obama's deal, so the serious national security erosion Panetta warns about is not only obama's fault, it has been his goal all along. The far radical left hates the military, so gutting their budget is his master plan to wither it on the vine. The 800,000 furloughs (with more promised) was not the result of the mean old republicans refusal to compromise, it is a direct order from obama.

In other words, this whole 800,000 furlough thing is obama's "Finger in the Mail". 

Finger in the Mail
In the event of a kidnapping or Hostage Situation where characters are held for ransom, when the kidnapper is ready to make his demands known and/or make sure he is taken seriously by his hostage's loved ones or law enforcement authorities, the kidnapper will send severed extremities from his hostage to the family/police. Fingers are very common, but ears, teeth, toes, hair, etc. are frequently fair game, as well. 

Only in this movie, the severed finger (furloughs) is completely the fault of the parents (GOP) by their failure to "compromise" to the kidnapper's (obama) demands.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Postal Wear Coming Soon!

This makes me very happy.
U.S. Postal Service plans to launch a new line of clothing and accessories next year called "Rain Heat & Snow" and it promises to be "on the cutting edge of functional fashion".

Awesome. Finally, something different to wear on casual Fridays other than my well worn Lederhosen. Hopefully the "Rain Heat & Snow" accessories will include suspenders and a feathered fedora. 

Perhaps the plan is for an official government sanctioned uniform for Obama's (peace be unto him) promised civilian army. Maybe the accessories mentioned will include:

* Obamaphones sewn into the lining, complete with blue tooth technology that receives orders directly from armed drones overhead.

* Dual Mexican styled bandoleer ammo belts criss-crossing the young and idealistic civil service ranger's uniform. Hey, obama must have SOME plans for all those bullets he has been purchasing and stockpiling.

* A large, Camo military backpack chocked full of condoms and abortifacient drugs to be passed out to willing "citizens" and/or forced upon the Tea Terrorist sympathizers. (costs offset by forced funding of the Catholic church)

Now that I consider these possibilities, I think I'll just stick with my lederhosen, but I might line it with kevlar and my own accessories.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Obama defeats Tiger Woods in Golf!

CHATTERING TEETH EXCLUSIVE! What a part time weekend teenage caddy from The Floridian National Golf Club managed to witness and overhear during the golf match between President Obama and Tiger Woods will shock you!

No other source can give you this inside information, as obama's own W.H. press corpse(sic) has been denied access! (spelling and pronunciation of "corp" is out of deference and respect to the president) Apparently, this lack of access makes the press as furious as Gollum without his ring.

My advice to the W.H. press corpse - Obama has drones in the skies above and an itchy trigger finger. If you know what's good for you, collectively shut your pieholes and just be satisfied with the taxpayer funded psychedelic Partridge Family "party bus" full of drugs and hookers.


What we learned from the pimply-faced teenage caddie (and secret Chattering Teeth operative) via a disposable cell phone with prepaid minutes and a hurried call from the porta john at the turn.

1) The match started out with courtesy, mutual respect and good humor, as you would expect. They compared their favorite club at the first tee box. Tiger pulled out his 9-iron, and Obama asked, "Did you win one of your majors with a great shot from that club?" "No," Tiger smirked while answering, "It's the club my ex used to beat the hell out of my SUV."

For the president, he pulled out a pink handled putter he borrowed from Michelle's bag. "Is there special romantic significance to you carrying the First Lady's putter Mister President?," asked Tiger. "None at all, it's just that I broke mine over Biden's head last night when he said something stupid while I was taking putting practice in the oval office. I have to remember to use that bat I have propped up against my desk for photo ops when speaking with a world leader. Makes my skinny ass look tough" joked Obama.

2) The match quickly got serious when Obama outdrove Tiger on the very first shot. Applause erupted from the secret service detail, as they lined the fairway wearing dark suits, sunglasses and bicycle helmets for safety. Obama's detail was an intimidating fan base and also prevented Tiger from investigating the strange air puffs he heard from the tree line after every shot from the president.

3) Sh%# got real on the first green. Tiger is used to disruptive noise while he is trying to putt. An opponent who jingles change in his pocket, or a drunken fan screaming "YOU DA MAN!" during his plumb bob. What he has never had to deal with is an opponent that simply walked up to him prior to a 3 foot putt for the skin, and showing him his Blackberry screen showing a live feed image of Tiger himself, apparently taken from a camera on an armed drone circling the skies overhead. The implicit threat was obvious, and Tiger shanked his putt 10 feet past the hole.

4) According to our source, the president handily won the front, and Tiger disqualified himself for the rest of the round and walked off the course when he learned of the hooker filled bus in the parking lot.

So what were those air puffs after every shot from Obama?

First Divot Golf Ball Deflect System
The FDGBDS utilizes the advanced technology of the Patriot Missile System. However, unlike the Patriot missile system which is designed to detect, target and then destroy an incoming missile that is typically flying at three to five times the speed of sound - the First Divot Deflect system is designed to detect, target and deflect President Obama's errant golf shots back towards the hole. Compared to the Patriot missile system, the First Divot Deflect System is a much more ambitious feat, challenging engineers and scientists like nothing else since the Manhattan Project.

All of this high-tech hardware and software comes with a hefty taxpayer pricetag in the several $Trillions, a veritable bargain when you consider the cost to this country of a detached and bored Obama with time on his hands.

Here's how it works
Obama's sporadic shots require an elaborate tree-based radar system that locates and measures golf ball location, speed, trajectory, atmospheric fluctuations and ball spin. This data is instantly transmitted via satellite to NASA, where their high-speed computers - normally used in tracking earth-threatening asteroids - are re-tasked to digest, compute and predict where the golf ball would land without diversion, taking into account the numerous expected golf cart and tree caroms.

A measured response is computed that will redirect the ball to the fairway, and the electronic instructions are instantly transmitted back to small fairway-lined air cannons. All of this needs to occur in such a way that will minimize the president's suspicion, since his narcissistic and arrogant personality requires that he truly believe he made these golf shots unassisted.

All of this high-tech hardware and software comes with a hefty taxpayer pricetag in the several $Trillions, a veritable bargain when you consider the cost to this country of a detached and bored Obama with time on his hands.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Obama golfs while the press parties on the psychedelic Partridge Family bus

Sure, there continues to be skyrocketing Unemployment and economic collapse, but...
Press Waits on 'Party Bus' as President Golfs Today
The president, down in Florida for vacation without his family, will spend the day golfing. The press, meanwhile, is on a "party bus," according to the pool report.

Isn't that special? Our magnificent king takes another golf vacation on our dime, lighting cigars with newly printed $100's and passing out freshly minted $Trillion Dollar Platinum ball markers to his buddies on the greens - with his lapdog press reporters drinking and fornicating on his psychedelic Partridge Family "party bus" while they wait to granted an audience and gifted with his presence. Meanwhile, the 99% continues to suffer.

Wouldn't it be fitting if obama stopped by and climbed aboard the "party bus" for a daily dose of press adoration, only to have a small fire catch hold in the bus engine - thereby crippling power to the bus doors and locking them in - only to have a freak wave wash the bus out to sea in the Gulf of Mexico, where it floats for days without climate controls or a working bathroom in the back - and obama's vacation is spent ankle deep in his and the reporter's feces? Wouldn't that be a Triumph?

Yes, my sentences (and font size) tend to run-on-ith when my imagination gets carried away.

Oh, and included in his taxpayer paid expenses are golf lessons for $1000/hour.

Isn't it great to see that the bumbling and incompetent community organizer is willing to bring in professional help for SOMETHING, even if it is just for his deficiencies in golf? If he tried his same strategy on the course as he does with the economy and foreign policy, all 18 holes would be so trashed that nobody could play on them for generations.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Fish Friday

Study: Fish in drug-tainted water suffer reaction

BOSTON (AP) — What happens to fish that swim in waters tainted by traces of drugs that people take? When it's an anti-anxiety drug, they become hyper, anti-social and aggressive, a study found. They even get the munchies.

Thank goodness research dollars are being spent wisely here, with results answering this question that has plagued me for decades. I can save these researchers some time by publishing the results of a similar experiment conducted by my friends over 30 years ago that involved Tequila and a once thriving colony of Sea Monkeys on my bedroom sill. "Suffer?" Not so much.

Get on the bandwagon Hollywood and make this experiment into a major motion picture. I can see it now...

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, now the shark is on heroin in: JAWS XVII, SMACK ATTACK!!

As this is the first Friday of Lent, it may change my lunch counter order.
"I'll have Bass on bath salts fillet and a side of chips."

Thursday, February 14, 2013

A special Valentines Day email message from my neighbor and Chattering Teeth blog co-contributor Gullible Gabe.

Dear 'Blade,

As the sun rises over the vomit-stained deck of the Carnival cruise ship Triumph, there is no place I'd rather be on this special Valentine's Day, and no one I'd rather be with. Yes, the Triumph is expected to arrive today by tow to an undisclosed port in Mobile, Alabama, after becoming disabled by a small fire in the engine room a few days ago. I think there is an investigation, but I'm not worried, as my cheap box of Grenadier cigars are now sleeping with the fishes.

My escort on this tugboat "cruise" is none other than Lennay Kekua, who used to be the fake girlfriend of Notre Dame linebacker, Manti Te'o. I know you counseled me against taking Kekua, but I'm so glad I didn't listen. I think this cruise is the start to a beautiful fake relationship. I'm thinking about giving her a bullet-riddled coin and asking her to be my hostage when we get off this boat. Ain't love grand?

As for my fellow passengers, they all seem to lack a sense of humor.  There are 4,000 people on board and we have had little food, and no access to working bathrooms, so folks have been hanging it over the sides when taking care of business and/or getting sick from a spread of norovirus. Well EXCUUUUSE MEEE for trying to cheer them up with my spontaneous outbreak of the theme song from the 1970's TV series Love Boat... Remember that?

Love, exciting and new
Come Aboard. We're expecting you.
Love, life's sweetest reward.
Let it flow, it floats back to you.

It sure does, especially when you miscalculate the windage.

anywho, blah, blah, blah...

Love won't hurt anymore
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

Happy V-Day Bro,
Gullible Gabe

P.S. Kekua says "hi"

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Obama's SOTU speech: Citizen Pain

Citizen Kane is a 1941 drama starring and directed by Orson Welles. The movie is praised for its innovative cinematography, music, and narrative structure. Citizen Pain (Obama) is praised by his comrades in the press.

Dear Leader's entire address was highly offensive, but I mostly refrained from swearing and hollering at my TV until the very end.

Some may have found his conclusion rather mild, but those who have been paying attention know full well what Obambino means by the term "citizen".

When Obama says the word "citizen", all I hear is "comrade", capeesh?

We may do different jobs, and wear different uniforms, and hold different views than the person beside us.  But as Americans, we all share the same proud title:

We are citizens.  It’s a word that doesn’t just describe our nationality or legal status.  It describes the way we’re made.  It describes what we believe.  It captures the enduring idea that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations; that our rights are wrapped up in the rights of others; and that well into our third century as a nation, it remains the task of us all, as citizens of these United States, to be the authors of the next great chapter in our American story.

Not in your wildest PopeBama dreams do I define myself as a "citizen" of your vision for America. You and all the recipients of your cell phones may think that "citizen" describes the way we’re made and what we believe, but not me.

Seriously people, AM I OVER-REACTING? Re-read his conclusion word-for-word (blue text above). 

Do you think CITIZEN describes the way we’re made?  What we believe? What do you think he meant by this?

We are all children of God. for me, THAT describes the way we’re made.  THAT describes what I believe.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

PopeBama Dreams

“PopeBama has put in place an organization with the kind of database that no one has ever seen before in life. That’s going to be very, very powerful. That database will have information about everything on every individual on ways that it’s never been done before.

Forget about that silly old one with all the dirt. PopeBama has a new database. Think bigger!

Before you are formed you in the womb PopeBama will KNOW YOU; before you came to birth he will consecrate you and appoint you as Ambassador to Libya.

Why, every hair on your head has been counted by PopeBama!

and whoever runs for President on the Democratic ticket has to deal with that. They’re going to go down with that database and the concerns of those people because they can’t get around it. And he’s been very smart. It’s very powerful what he’s leaving in place.”

and you thought Maxine Waters was kidding?

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Will Coins with Bullet Holes Be This Year's Special Valentine's Day Gift Because of Cop-Killing Dorner?

An open letter from triple-murderer Chris Dorner to "Yours Truly"

Dear DaBlade,
Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and I'm just not sure what to get that "special someone" in my life. In years past, I've opted for assorted fowers or a box of candy. But what do I get for that special CNN news anchor that doesn't even know I exist? I've already left a ranting Facebook manifesto expressing my love for this leftist talking head, but I'm afraid that my (recent) past may be an issue with some who would hold a triple-homicide against an individual. Should I be labeled 'cop-killer' for life? Any who, I don't want to be left out in the cold this year, as I huddle in a hollow tree on the side of the snow-covered Big Bear mountains to avoid a manhunt.
Any ideas?
Cristopher Dorner
P.S. If you haven't guessed the object of my affection, it's Anderson Cooper

Dear "Sleepless in Big Bear Mountains",
If you're a triple-homicidal killer on the run and in hiding, you can't go wrong sending your gay CNN anchor and democrat socialist operative a bullet-riddled keepsake medallion and a note that reads “I never lied.” Your effeminate liberal TV fella won't know whether to feel threatened or loved, but rest assured he won't be able to stop thinking about you while you're still at large.
Chattering Teeth

On-the-run accused cop killer CHRISTOPHER DORNER, suspected of 3 murders, sent a grim package to ANDERSON COOPER, the CNN anchor confirmed.

The fact is, I'm gay, always have been, always will be, so
As you might imagine, I receive a lot of strange packages

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Bush Vs Obama in a paintoff!

George W. Bush: Great Painter? Or Greatest Painter?

The REAL story behind the three-parent birth certificate

Florida judge approves birth certificate listing three parents
MIAMI (Reuters) - A Florida judge has approved the adoption of a 22-month-old baby girl that will list three people as parents on her birth certificate -- a married lesbian couple and a gay man.

The gay male sperm donor, Massimiliano Gerinaa, is the hair dresser for one of the lesbian "moms". Whether Massimiliano styles the mom mom's hair, or he is responsible for the severe butch mom's bowl cut, the story isn't clear. I would think this fact pertinent. I will just choose to believe the 22-month-old baby girl will grow up having fabulous hair, if not a normal, non-perverted childhood.

Get busy Hallmark. I'm guessing you don't have a card for these folks yet.

Tomorrow's probable news:
Not to be out-done, a rival judge added 23 more names to the official birth certificate under "parents", making a grand total of 26 parents for this lucky little girl. This latest birth certificate update includes the gay sperm donor's homosexual extreme poetry reading club that meets every Tuesday night. According to the petition, they all claim to have "made a deposit" with their friend the night before he made his donation to the sperm bank.

*sigh* Back to the drawing board Hallmark.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Obama dismantled by Dr. Benjamin Carter

Dr. Benjamin Carson Epic Full Speech at National Prayer Breakfast 

“One of our big problems right now...our deficit is a big problem. Think about it — and our national debt — $16 and a half trillion dollars...” 

”When I pick up my Bible, you know what I see — I see the fairest individual in the universe — God — and he’s given us a system. It’s called tithe.”

"Now we don't necessarily have to do it at 10%, but its principle... He didn't say, "if your crops fail, don't give me any tithe. He didn't say, "If you have a bumper crop, give me triple tithe." so there must be something inherently fair about proportionality. You make $10 Billion, you put in $1 Billion, You make $10, you put in $1...

..where does it say you have to hurt the guy? He just put $1 Billion into the pot.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

War on Boy Scouts

Boy Scouts board to meet amid talk of policy on gays

OBAMBI weighs in on BSA's policy:
"My attitude is that gays and lesbians should have access and opportunity the same way everybody else does in every institution and walk of life. I will be watching the Board's vote today in the Situation Room via my armed drone's remote camera as it circles above, but don't let that worry you. I've only actually taken out a small handful of American born citizens with these things.

Hmmm. Would you let your young son/daughter go on an overnight camping trip with Scout Master Richard Simmons or Rachel Maddow?

Listen, I'm not homophobic and I do believe that its none of my business what pedophiles do in the privacy of their own cell block. However, this proposal is in direct conflict with the BSA code and none other than another thinly-veiled attack on moral character and the Christian church which supports this fine institution.

The board may decide to try a compromise by allowing each troop to set its own policy. That would be a mistake. Conservatives have warned of mass defections if Scouting allows gay membership to be determined by troops.

Some things just can't be compromised, as attested to in the Biblical story of Solomon and "splitting the baby".

In the news: Last week it was woman in combat, this week its gay scouts. Next week will probably be a secret battalion of gay Scout Masters in combat.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

With every technological advance, there are less and less reasons for us to actually see one another

My wife and I recently had a "debate" with our 18-year-old, the youngest of 3 boys. I say "debate", because it might have only lasted about 20 seconds, and was without those pesky time-wasting "point/counter-points".

The topic was Technology, and I surprised myself by taking the position, "technology, bad". My wife, who has on more than one occasion recently made known her desire to live on Walton's Mountain, agreed with me. My son provided a spirited defense and contrarian view by emphatically stating, "I can't believe you two are against technology."

I think I won the debate with this verbal roundhouse knockout: "Technology bad because I said so!" He never really saw that coming.

I've thought about this since. It's not that I feel that all technological advances have been bad. For instance, I am happy the caveman invented the wheel. And at some point, "FIRE! GOOOOD!"

For me, it boils down to whether these so-called "advances" lead to more human interaction or less, not just whether or not some new thing makes a task easier. The caveman's wheel allowed us to travel to and visit other communities,and the campfire allowed for more communal congregations (as well as blackened haunch of mammoth). So from my prism, Fire good, wheel good.

But what about recent advances in this digital age? Have these improvements we've enjoyed over the last few decades led to more or less human interaction?

Tweet, Facebook or text me with your answer, as I can't remember the last time I've actually seen most of you for us to have this conversation in person.

As some of you know, I enjoyed a 30 year career in newspapers. When the digital comet hit, I blogged about it on a few occasions:

A Paperboy's Tale Of Unrequited Love
Confessions of a Tree Killer
Confessions of an ex-Tree Killer
FOR SALE: Slightly used newspaper press
The newspaper implosion continues

Too bad for you DaBlade, but if you had it your way we'd all be riding around in a horse and carriage! Lots of people lost their jobs in carriage and buggy whip factories when the automobile was invented. Maybe we'd be better off getting our news, information and advertising on stone tablets?

Maybe you haven't been paying attention, mister disembodied voice and disenfranchised mind. The transition from horse-drawn buggies to horseless carriages improved travel, thereby expanding human interaction. Can the same be said of this digital world?

I admit to being conflicted here. I am a voracious consumer of internet-based news. I read books predominately from my Kindle. I blog (though many would wish otherwise). I'll concede these products improve the medium, but at a cost of human interaction.

There are no trucks or warehouses staffed by folks inserting, bundling and otherwise preparing these digital bytes for timely loading to the internet's back dock. There is no delivery force working through the night hours distributing these packets of data, waving to customers waiting on their front porches somewhere each day on a suburban internet router. No door-to-door weekly bill collections, conversations and human interactions that will never be again.  

Maybe it's just me, but I miss some of the simpler things that my sons will never experience.

I miss frequenting the local Borders, sipping a cappuccino while browsing the latest book selection to the song stylings of a local unknown sitting on a stool in the corner and playing his acoustic guitar.

I miss perusing the VHS movies at Blockbuster Video and getting spontaneous recommendations from strangers who notice you reading the back cover of a movie you're considering to rent.

I miss visiting the local Harmony House music retailer, not remembering the name of the artist or song I heard on the radio, but humming a few bars for the ponytailed salesperson and leaving with a new vinyl record or cassette.

I even miss pulling up to the regular pump during the winter, getting a fillup while never leaving the warmth of the car and paying the gas station attendant a $5 bill (including tip)

I miss TV Guide magazine, and going through each new issue in search of any listed Steve Martin scheduled appearances on variety and/or talk shows.

And of course I miss dirty black newsprint on my hands.

Now it appears that America's malls are the latest dinosaur in the crosshairs of the digital comet.

Like many men my age, I have never enjoyed the mall shopping experience. I've never looked forward to having to park in a different zipcode from my destination - fighting crowds and long lines of elbows and attitudes, paying confiscatory prices just to get the heck out of there, only to spend the rest of the weekend looking for my car. 

That said, it will be sad when they are gone too.

I saw somewhere recently where kids who stayed home sick from school were able to log in remotely and participate. How long before this is what public education is?

In the not-so-distant future, we'll have no reason to unplug ourselves from our pod.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Cleanup of unbroken clay skeets continues at Camp David.

White House releases new photo. While it doesn't show the president actually in the act, they offer it as unimpeachable evidence of Obama's activities.

"You Skeeters should find something else to amuse yourselves now!," an unnamed spokesman stated.

The statement from the White House went on to say that this may cause further delays in the cleanup after Super Storm Sandy. Does anybody need a free phone?

Ray Lewis presents: Sweet Bambi Ray's BBQ Sauce!

Hi, my name is Ray Lewis, linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. Are you throwing a Superbowl party AGAIN this year and want to enhance your hosting performance? Well don't just hope guests show up by rubbing urine on yourself and placing large piles of beats, carrots, corn, wings and nachos near your backyard blind again this year. Buck up and spice up your menu with my new Sweet Bambi Ray's Barbeque Sauce.

My sauce is a special blend of herbs, spices and ground deer antler velvet (Shhhh!)

Your guests will stamp their feet and make audible vocalizations of approval. They'll grunt, bleat and snort wheeze, wondering why your pile of wings taste so good!

My BBQ sauce is so good, sometimes I just squirt a little under my tongue before taking the field!  See you at the game!

DISCLAIMER: Product is not intended for ingestion. Avoid contact with eyes. Just opening bottle may cause nausea and dizziness. Excessive exposure may cause standing by roadside with vacant stare, then running across busy lanes of traffic when confused by approaching strange beams of light. Some have reported suffering poop pellets. Has been known to cause spontaneous sparring matches among males and females to flash their tales in the air. Tell your coach right away if you feel concussive effects and blurred vision, and consult the voices before breast-feeding your guests.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

The Real Obama Skeet Shooting Pic!

The White House has released a picture purporting to show President Obama "skeet shooting" at Camp David.

White House Warns: Don't Photoshop! 

Hey Obama, I'll quit manipulating your scrawny photos when you stop manipulating my freedoms!

Today's ASSignment: Who Shall Live?

I don't know why anything can still surprise me, especially coming out of a public school, but Wow! As George Costanza says, "I'm speechless! I am without speech!" 

(Original Source: Bamboo Bob ; Reposted: Kevin Jackson, via The Blacksphere)

Transcript follows.
BREAKING NEWS! I know it is small, but get a magnifying glass & you will NOT believe this assignment given to 11 year olds at a Missouri GOV'T chool! They are asked to decide who to let DIE after a Nuclear bomb situation & the fallout shelter only has enough food for some. The kids were told NOT to bring this home & show their parents. This is the 1st step of brainwashing these kids for bAMACARE & having to decide whose lives are more valuable than others...not to mention killing Grandma! When I have more details & ready to take it to the press I will let you know. These kids are only ELEVEN! — Bamboo Bob


Who Shall Live?

The following people are the only persons alive after an atomic war. The 15 of them are in a bomb shelter which has only enough supplies to allow for 7 people to survive the two weeks necessary for the radiation to drop enough to live on the outside.  If it were your decision as to who should live and who should die, whom would you select?

  1. Jean Garcia - 33. Spanish-American, Catholic, Cocktail waitress. Three months old when mother died. 4 years old when abandoned by her father. Spent 3 years in a children's home. Ran away from foster home after sexual attack by foster father. Completed 9th grade. On probation for prostitution. Nursing her 3 week old daughter.
  2. Lisa Garcia - 3 weeks old. Spanish-American nursing for food.
  3. Mrs. Evans - 32. Black, Catholic, Healthy, Special interest in participation sports. M5 in education. Teacher in elementary school. Loves children. One daughter, Mary.
  4. Mary Evans - 8. Black, Catholic, Healthy and intelligent.
  5. Mr. Thompson - 45. White, Mormon, Mr. Fix-it, all-around handyman. Four children whom he abandoned 2 years ago. 8th grade education.
  6. Louis Jones - 26. Black, Protestant, Very capable in electronics. High school graduate. Bitter about his childhood in the ghetto. Single.
  7. Mrs. Francis - 29. White. Atheist, Married 3 years, no children. A nurse.
  8. Father Frank - 58. White, Catholic priest. Under indictment for actions in civil rights activities
  9. John Harmon - 12. White, Jew, Class leader, athlete, good student, loves outdoors.
  10. Dr. Bennett - 66. Black, Baptist, Medical Doctor. Has had 2 heart attacks.
  11. Dr. Dane - 42. White, Methodist, College history professor. Very active in the community. One son, Bobby.
  12. Mrs. Dane - 39. White, Methodist, MS in social work. Does volunteer work in mental health clinic. One son, Bobby.
  13. Bobby Dane - 5. Enjoys outdoor sports, strong, loves pets. Cause of his mental retardation unknown.
  14. Mr. Michaels - 29. Black, Catholic, Suspended from medical school during senior year. Admittedly homosexual, Working as a medical assistant.
  15. Sister Mary - 23. White, Catholic, Runs the church daycare center. BS in child development

Friday, February 1, 2013

"Ain't Noboby Got Time For That" News

If you're like me, you've sold all of your old and broken gold nipple rings for cash to buy gas - and you will not be reading this sentence because that would mean you read past the post title.

Who has time to go beyond the thousands of headlines screaming for your attention each day to actually READ the articles? Ain't noboby got time for that! I know I don't, but thankfully I still have time to read numerous headlines each day while my fertile mind overflowing with effervescence fills in the blanks, allowing me to save time and move on to the next headline.

I'm thinking of making this a Friday feature of the blog, a week in review if you will. First, the blog feature theme...

Heres how this works. I'll give you the actual headline hyper-linked to the story. Feel free to click the link and peruse the topic material, spending countless minutes of your life you can never get back by reading the author's supporting documentation (when REALLY, the title said it all)... Haha! Just kidding. Ain't noboby got time for that!

From earlier this week...

Bigfoot Blamed for Strange Shrieks

Most headlines are easier than this one, and I will admit it was a little tricky for me to ascertain this story's direction. I mean, OF COURSE Bigfoot is blamed for stuff. Who hasn't answered a friend's queery, "What was that strange noise?" with "Oh, that's just Bigfoot"

Or what dude hasn't excited a roadside rest area bathroom, only to warn approaching traveler's, "HOLD YOUR BREATH, I'm pretty sure Bigfoot was in there!" And "I would avoid the final stall if I were you. 'Squatch left tracks."

So my guess (based on experience) is that this story is about Bigfoot, specifically whether or not he uses our nation's roadside Rest Areas.

A series of "guttural grunts, howls and growls" and "sound blasts" led  Sasquatch investigators to this Northern Michigan rest area, where this controversial picture is purported to be of the legendary Bigfoot.

Up next,

Beyonce takes on, then brushes off lip-sync controversy with impromptu media-conference national anthem

Yes, that is the actual title. A little verbose, right? I remember when Operation Desert Storm broke, the next day's headlines - 3 large block letters - WAR. Three letters, but they sent so much information, anxiety, fright, patriotism, etc etc. But when it comes to Beyonce, (one two three... six, nine, carry the four...) much more than 3 letters needed.

As for the story, apparently there was some controversy over Beyonce lip-syncing the anthem during Obama's inauguration and crack party. I didn't actually watch any of this, because if I remember correctly - I was busy that day curling into a fetal ball and sobbing uncontrollably.

According to the headline, She busted out the anthem LIVE to gathered reporters to prove she really can sing. I just don't see how the featured headline would be news unless something unexpected occurred.

Maybe she started singing with Dennis Haysbert's voice. Halbert, of course, is best known as the Allstate spokesman in those commercials featuring different folks who all speak with Halbert's distinct voice. I remember him best as President Palmer from the TV show 24. I think I'd rather hear him sing than suffer any Beyonce.

Ain't noboby got time for that