Friday, January 31, 2014

SHOCKING Cheerios Super Bowl Ad!!

MSNBC keeps getting itself into trouble. This time the far-left TV network decided to use Twitter as its vehicle to offend the masses.

“Maybe the rightwing will hate it, but everyone else will go awww: the adorable new #Cheerios ad w/ biracial family,” MSNBC wrote on Wednesday night, linking to the new ad.

Hmmm. Super Bowl commercials can be half the fun, so I remember watching that commercial live last year. The racial makeup never occured to me, but I do remember feeling warm and fuzzy with the depiction of a family comprised of both a mother and a father. I imagine that was the reaction from most every Christian conservative. I remember very distinctly because of the hullabaloo regarding their biracial makeup the next day. Isn't it 'funny' that it is always the progressive leftists who race-bait and divide us by skin color, racial makeup, and classes?

If I had a fictional Cheerios Super Bowl TV ad, it would be inspired by the Banana Nut Crunches over at MSNBC, and it might go a  little something like this...

Wake up with Cheerios and Tune Out MSNBC!!!

Our friends over at MSNBC continue to shoot themselves in the foot with racist portrayals of rightwing conservatives, like last month's MSNBC Panel’s Odd Reaction to Picture of Romney’s Black Adopted Grandson and this week's bigoted tweet, we would just like to set the record straight.

As you know, last year's ad featured a biracial family pitching the original Cheerios, and its wholesome goodness for heart health - frankly, because we know how much those African-Americans enjoy their fried foods - am I right people?

This year, we have the Romney Family as our special guests. Mitt and Ann Romney insist they love their Multi Grain Dark Chocolate Crunch, with its rich, dark chocolate and natural chocolate flavor, as much OR MORE than their Frosted Cheerios. The delicious, sweet taste that kids love made with whole grain. (whole grain, *wink* *wink*)

MITT: Cracka Plezzz! Healthy never tasted so good!

So no matter what kind of "BI" family unit you have going for ya,
Whether you are a biracial couple, or even a bisexual couple

or maybe a biaccentual couple (having the ability to speak in two different accents)

There is a box of Cheerios just for you!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Obama's 2014 SOTU Speech, Media Suites and Spa

I watched the SOTU speech livestream on my computer for the first time ever. My speakers were broken, but thankfully the Fake Sign Language Guy helped me get the gist of it. Did I lose anything in translation?
I did think the entrance was a little bizarre this year..
If you didn't watch this, you didn't miss much. Obama spent the first 10 or 15 minutes blaming Republicans for the shutdown and basically creating the entire mess we're in. The rest of the speech was dedicated to Obama's "I've got a Pen" extra-constitutional threats.

Ironically, all pens had been collected from the pocket protectors and purses of all those attending prior to Obama's Selfie entrance for fear that folks would feel the urge to stab themselves in their own eye at some point during this address.

I normally give the dad rebuttal directly to the TV in very colorful language, like the gentleman featured in this linked Onion piece, but I was able to vent via social media immediately, so my top didn't blow like a roof filled with flatulating cows.

Some of my remarks I tagged here and there as they popped into my head. It was very therapeutic.
(prior to Obama's grand entrance, we were treated to 15 minutes of politicians milling about, joking and laughing)
twerking with the dancing bears pre-show.

John Boehner has time for a smoke apparently.

son of a bar keep and son of a bar fly.

Someone suggested BINGO
I think I already have a cover all!

Someone says: Thank goodness the word “Reform” was left off the Drinking Game list.
still makes me thirsty though when he says it

Do I miss that fake sign language guy from the Mandela funeral about right now.

Speaking of nest eggs, I haven’t witnessed this many obama egg-laying air balls since his 2 for 22 shootaround during the White House Easter Egg Roll.

Someone responds to the stage prop: She was the ONLY Person that got coverage.
She is the only one successfully logged into healthcare dot gov

Obama moves on to foreign policy -
Stop those disgusting videos causing those spontaneous demonstrations!

Someone asks: Where’s the gay basketball player? 
Hey! Where’s Barney Frank? Hmmm

and that's all I got to say about that.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Tell me have you seen The Mahvelous BreadFish?

Teaser: Those who persevere and hang until the bitter end of today's blog are in for a scrumptious Bread Fish treat.

Do we have time for one more example of the conspicuous media bias before the inevitable economic collapse? Sure we do... 

(FULL DISCLOSURE: Hillary does not actually make the comments in blue text, those are mine). First up, the more recent and lighthearted reporting of the rascally cute hijinx of their ally, Hillary Clinton...

Hillary Clinton tells auto dealers: I haven’t driven in 18 years
'The last time I actually drove a car myself was 1996,' Clinton said at the National Auto Dealers Association Convention in New Orleans. 'I remember it very well, unfortunately so does the Secret Service - which is why I haven't driven since then.'

HAHAHA! Cue laugh track and laugh uproariously when Dear Leader does, and grin as wide as you can - like a North Korean at a courtside Rodman basketball exhibit so you don't get fed to the dogs! Your mouths say "happy happy" but your eyes say "terror! don't kill me!".

"My husband thinks that's a blessing, but he is the one that should talk.”

Don't ride shotgun with Bill at the wheel, it's like cruising with the late Ted Kennedy after a night of high balls at the Chappaquiddick Bar.

HAHAHA! Cue laugh track... what? too soon?

Hillary, continued:
 “You know, my biggest, you know, regret is what happened in Benghazi,” Clinton said. “It was a terrible tragedy, losing four Americans, two diplomats and now it's public, so I can say two CIA operatives, losing an ambassador like Chris Stevens, who was one of our very best and had served in Libya and across the Middle East and spoke Arabic.

”The U.S. government sends civilians to "a lot of dangerous places," she said.

...and the last thing they would have wanted to see would be Hillary Clinton behind the wheel of a Benghazi taxi screaming around the embassy corner on two wheels in a rescue attempt, am I right people?

HAHAHA! Cue laugh track

Now juxtapose another NYT article from 1992 involving the diabolically malevolent Republican oppressor Bush 41:

Bush (41) Encounters the Supermarket, Amazed
This career politician, who has lived the cloistered life of a top Washington bureaucrat for decades, is having trouble presenting himself to the electorate as a man in touch with middle-class life.

Today, for instance, he emerged from 11 years in Washington's choicest executive mansions to confront the modern supermarket.

This Times report fit their narrative of "a man out of touch with the common people", even though they had no reporter there and the story was based on pool reporting that is as reliable as a Hillary parallel parking job.

So in conlusion, I do not advocate Hillary drive herself back and forth to her cankle clinic appointments, nor am I a proponent of mandating politicians from either party having to do their own shopping at the local super market. I am not even trying to convince anyone of the existence of media bias, because if you don't recognize and accept that as fact yet, then not even Dr. DaBlade can help you at this point. No, my only point to this post today was to give anyone who electronically stumbled here an alternative for something to stare at tonight rather than watch the president's "pen in your eye" State of the Coup speech.

Step 1, Affix toothpicks on outside of each eye supporting both top and bottom lids so that eyes cannot close. 

Step 2, click on this link  
and stare at the presentation from 7PM eastern standard time and watch until the loss of consciousness is achieved.

Monday, January 27, 2014

I've got an ObamaPhone and this pen

In anticipation of Obama's little speech tomorrow where he will likely expand on his class warfare theme of income inequality and threaten the American public with his "I've got a pen and a phone" bull$hit, I am highlighting two previous posts involving the theme "obama" and "obama's phone". I do this for my amusement and so far it's working. I unfortunately may miss his little speech tomorrow as I have to was my pet squirrel's hair.

I once again demonstrate my gift of prophesy here -
It was back in March, 2008, when I posed the query:

It's 3 A.M., The phone rings in the White House. There is a crisis brewing. Who do you want to answer the phone?

And did you ever respond in a huge fashion and select the third option by an overwhelming margin of 2 votes to nil for the first two choices!

One of the two votes for Mr. Squirrel was not made by the late Ambassador Stevens, though had he stumbled here back then, I have no doubt the vote count would have been 0-0-3.

BTW, when I say "posed the query," it is translated to mean "asked the question" and has nothing to do with this year's edition of the Grammys.

Next up, one of my personal favorite blogs worth reading again in its entirety.

There is Fluff in the Stimulus

"Fluff has been great to work with so far," gushed Obama. "When we are on the move, Fluff is always checking the cell phone signal and alerts me when we are down to three bars. An emergency call is made for the immediate construction of a new cell tower to increase coverage and boost my signal. No more dropped calls for me, and additional, albeit unnecessary, infrastructure for you".

So will you be watching tomorrow, or spending time with your rodent?

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Planet Hillary Moon Unit Bill

The New York Times released a preview of their bizarre "Planet Hillary" cover last week, and the internets has been ablaze with some "hillaryous" Planet Hillary photoshops. Some of my favorites can be found at the links HERE and HERE

Of course I was inspired to do a couple of my own. Hope you enjoy!

Captain Kirk finds a cold and lifeless planetoid pant-suit in the neutral zone. Scotty! Beam me outta here!

PICTURED: A cold and lifeless planet... and Bill Clinton.

If you travel there, stay away from the arctic poles. Orbiting to the far side to the much warmer "land down under" is also considered extremely dangerous due to toxic gases.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Biebeliever Diplomacy deported to North Korea

This might just be the tonic to heal a divisive and bankrupt nation... This nation, that is. The Koreas wouldn't survive this holocaust.

I am thinking about renaming this blog to BieBlogiliever with the content 100% "All Justin Bieber, All the time". I have reached out to his people on this concept. So far no word. I think they're smoking weed all day right now but I'm sure they'll get back to me.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

"cheffing around" after Cart Wars

We currently still have 2 (out of 3) boys living with us at home, and while our youngest is hardly a baby at 19, the wife and I find it hard to find anything on TV that is not absolute trash. We've never watched a Kardashian show and have no idea what a Honey Boo Boo is. Instead, in the evenings we take turns at operating the remote to navigate to various On Demand (or sometimes Netflix) shows. You can never go wrong with Bear Grylls or Survivor Man - or other nature/survivor shows on NatGeo, Discover and Animal Planet channels. We "discovered" Hotel Impossible on the Travel Channel during a round of TV remote roulette. This show is awesome, and Anthony M kicks but! Or just about any reality show on the DIY network. Check out Rescue My Reno!

The latest of our discoveries is Cart Wars: Guy's Grocery Games on the Food Network

There is something very addictictive to this show.

Guy Fieri sends four talented chefs running through the aisles in a high-stakes, high-skills, grocery store cooking competition. The chefs are hit by real-world challenges like finding workarounds when all the essential ingredients are suddenly "out-of-stock" or having to create a masterpiece when you can only cook with "5 items or less" or on a $10 budget. In the end, the food does the talking, as the last chef standing has the chance to make some serious dough!

What the wife and I enjoy the most occurs immediately following the show. Apparently inspired by the show (and perpetually starving, though dinner only ended just prior to the start of the show) Joe and Josh race to the kitchen to test their culinary skills. Last night they got dangerous with a toasted bagel (pronounced 'bah-gell' by Josh when he is just "cheffing around")... topped with cheese, ham chunks, onion, mushrooms, and really I am not sure what else they found in the 'fridge, but we were cracking up! Love these boys!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Roe V Wade Turns 40 (Death Toll at 55 Million Souls) But Hey, Enjoy this Cactus!

Group Gives Women Plants to Take Home After Their Abortions: “Bring One Life Home”
Women who have had abortions are offered a handmade ceramic planter with a small plant and an accompanying hand-written note of support to promote both emotional and physical healing and to extend a gesture of respect and love.

Well isn't that special!? A parting gift. And a "hand-written note" so you don't feel like just a modern, murdering, cold-hearted, cruel and callous bitch. I imagine the note to read as follows:

Dear Modern Woman, 

You are special in Mother Earth's eyes! By showing that embryo (that was growing like a tumor inside you) the business end of a cold, sharp, sterile, stainless steel surgical scalpel - you have successfully eliminated a potential future enemy of Mother Earth! 

By "choosing" to put your ankles in the stirrups and allowing your unwanted mass of cells to be eviscerated, you can sleep well tonight (after a night of booze, drugs and fornicating without repercussion or responsibility. Ain't it just grand being a progressive?) knowing the world will move on with one less polluter contributing to Global Warming. 

So please accept this plant as a parting gift for a job well done! We've taken the liberty to fertilize the soil for "this little guy" with the "bits and pieces" from your procedure today. Nevermind that bloody toe :) Just don't forget to water! 

P4P (Plants for Patients)

Yes, by all means - water with the tears of what should have been. 

BLOG EXTRA! (Re-Post Alert) The following is just a teaser, but I highly recommend you click the link and enjoy the entire post. I changed the date of this post to 2013 at this point last year so it would appear first in the newsfeed, but I originally wrote this many years ago. I only mention this to point out the similarity between the potted plant parting gift and the commemorative snow globe - and how, ONCE AGAIN, I illustrate why I am a man before his time!

THE PERFECT GIFT for that pro-choice lib on your list!

Our Customer Service Infanticide Operators are standing by ready to take your call.

Now just $19.95! Here's what you'll get:
* Your very own commemorative snow globe filled with abortion debris from the International Abortion Registry, complete with a brass nameplate in base engraved in honor of your lover's name.

* An official certificate with personal information about your aborted fetus - Gender, race, and family tree information included. Miniature bloody foot and handprints available for the first 50 callers!

Get the perfect gift for your domestic partner and celebrate the 35 years of legal carnage under Roe V. Wade!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Cuomo can Keep New York - I'll take the Luxury Suite in the Upper Level

Gov. Cuomo: Pro-life people not welcome in New York

One day, Andrew Cuomo dies and finds himself in front of St. Peter standing guard at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. As Cuomo tries to advance, he finds his way is barred and the Heavenly Gate closed. St. Peter begins to read from a scroll:

Your problem was yourself. Who were you? Were you this extreme and unrepentent Democrat who supported abortion as a made-up right for a mother to execute her unborn child - the very essence of the innocent among you? Were you an unrepentant Democrat who embraced without apology the  adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers? Is that who you were? Because if that’s who you were and you're an unrepentant Democrat, you have no place in Heaven, because that’s not who God's chosen are.

Oh, and the Boss remembers getting booed at the 2012 Democrat Convention. Bad form bro.

Now down the stairs and off to the cellar you go. There is a dude named "Adolf" with a funny 'stache and pants around his ankles who has been asking for you.

Judge much, mister Chattering teeth? That's just like you Christian, pro-life, Tea (blog edit:Drinkers!) You are ALL just a bunch of intolerant hick haters who think you're holier than thou and better than everyone else!

Whoa, hold on a second, progressive disembodied voice in my head. I KNOW I am a sinner, but the difference is that I don't love my sins. I don't uplift my sins and demand they be treated as equivalent when they are anathema to moral and natural law.  Intolerant? Who is banning who here? Consider this your "Jacob Marley" moment while there is still time to sever the chains that bind you.

The problem in today's culture, as I see it, is that there are too many people that "don't want to step on any toes" and are willing to accept just about any perversion from their neighbors, lest they be called intolerant.

"When someone has a defect, the good friend is the one who tells him."

Cardinal Fernando Sebastián Aguilar

In the meantime, Cuomo and the rest of the progressives can kiss my a$$.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Wine Tasting Tailgate 2014 Preview

Dear Snoopy,

First, let me just start off by saying that I would appreciate it greatly if you not leave my sight again like you did last week when you appeared to a Canadian professional tennis player In the middle of his first-round match in the 2014 Australian Open.

"I was dizzy from the middle of the first set and then I saw Snoopy and I thought, 'Wow Snoopy, that's weird'... I couldn't keep my balance anymore and I leaned over the fence and when I woke up people were all around me."

Listen Snoopy, I don't have to tell you that this is almost exactly how you and I first met exactly one year ago today, only I wasn't playing professional tennis and suffering from heat stroke, but rather sitting in a snow bank after a heavy day of wine guzzling at one of the eight unique Wineries of Old Mission Peninsula in the annual event misnamed The Winter Warm Up.

Snoopy: Why do you say "The Winter Warm Up" is misnamed? And don't you mean "wine tasting", not "wine guzzling"?

I'll take the last question first. Sure, our group engaged in the typically snooty activity called "wine tasting" while we were actually inside a winery and bellied up to the bar (do they call it that?). We pushed our $15 souvineer glass wine-tasting mug towards the haughty and aloof "bartender" for him to pour a few drips into the stemless faux crystal.

(NOTE TO SELF: It is frowned upon to tell the host in your best immitation of "Cousin Eddie" from Vegas Vaction, "fill'er'up and don't be cheap with that!")

We would then swirl the reddish liquid around, while sticking our nose in the top of the mug to get a waft of the very sophisticated beverage.

(NOTE TO SELF: It is frowned upon to stick one's tongue into the mug at this time).

We would them tip the glass to our lips and savor this fermented nectar, saying terms like "bouquet", or "fruity", or something called "tannins" or to say flowery words regarding the "finish"

(NOTE TO SELF: A favorite quote from the movie Sideways makes you sound like a wine conasewer).

Me (circa 2013): *sip* "A little citrus. Maybe some strawberry. Mmm. Passion fruit, mmm, and, oh, there's just like the faintest soupçon of like, uh, asparagus, and, there's a, just a flutter of, like a, like a nutty Edam cheese."

Aloof Bartender: Sir, that was the jug of water used to cleanse your palette between wines.

Me: Still. Just sayin'.

It was at that point last year when I got a little dizzy, turned to the bar stool next to me and said... 'Wow Snoopy, that's weird'.

Snoopy: Yes, I remember. But "wine guzzling"?

I'm getting to that! Old Mission Peninsula is a peninsula located in the northern portion of the lower peninsula of Michigan.

Person from a square state: WTF is a peninsula?

I have no idea. However, put your left hand out in front of you (palm away, thumb out and fingers together) like you're telling someone "STOP RIGHT THERE and back the f*&$k up!". Old Mission Peninsula is located on the fingernail of your ring finger.

My point is, this is not the French vineyard at the grand château (thank goodness). However, it is a vineyard engaged in the business of wine making, which has an air of haughty at its core. But we are Michiganders also, which means we like to party. So mix the two together, and what you get is a tailgate in the winery parking lot. 

It is hard to be haughty while you're "chicken-wingin redneck style" a large glass bottle of fermented peach hooch while standing in a snow bank in sub zero temperatures.

"Winter Warm Up"? I don't think so. But looking forward to this year's edition later today. Ready to go Snoopy?

PICTURED: a sweating and inebriated Clint Eastwood during the bar scene in Unforgiven. This will look exactly like me at one of the wineries today at some point.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Marauding Devil Blog

North Korea warns South, US over 'provocative' military drills involving a motorized carriage careening back and forth along the DMZ (like a shopping cart with one bad wheel) with a Demon Baby inside (broadcasting in Dennis Rodman's voice: "I GOT THIS, I GOT THIS!"), while vomiting and flipping the little "Boy named Kim" the bird.

Sometimes, the merging of two separate stories I've read is a purposeful pursuit of self-amusement. Other times I think this happens randomly, and that I'll wake up and realize the little kenyan Chicago thug is not really president.

By the way, this video of the runaway Marauding Devil Baby Scaring People On The Streets Of New York is hilarious!

Blog Extra: a semi-amusing Picture Re-Post

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Obama: I’ve Got A Pen And I’ve Got A Phone (and that's all I need!)

Obama's self-described “pen-and-phone” strategy is like his own game of Rock-Paper-Scissors, only with his Pen-Phone-Constitution game, the pen and/or phone trumps the rule of law every time.

“We’re not just going to be waiting for legislation in order to make sure that we’re providing Americans the kind of help they need. I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a phone...” and that's all I need... I need this!

“One of the things that I’m going to be talking to my Cabinet about is how do we use all the tools available..."

“Overall, the message to my Cabinet, and that will be amplified in our State of the Union, is that we need..."

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Meet The Robot That’s A Minimum Wage Killer

No, not R.O.B.A.M.A., though one could make that argument.

I'm talking about the Hamburger Robots, "The Next Generation of Fast Food" by Momentum Machines.

It does everything employees can do except better:

* it slices toppings like tomatoes and pickles immediately before it places the slice onto your burger, giving you the freshest burger possible.
* our next revision will offer custom meat grinds for every single customer. (Oh great! A Twerk Burger?)
* Also, our next revision will use gourmet cooking techniques never before used in a fast food restaurant, giving the patty the perfect char but keeping in all the juices.
it’s more consistent, more sanitary, and can produce ~360 hamburgers per hour.

I say, what could possibly go wrong?

"I'm sorry, I ordered pickles. These look like washers?"

It actually looks pretty good (if you don't mind your special sauce being axle grease).

Our alpha machine frees up all of the hamburger line cooks in a restaurant

**So they can pursue more productive tasks... Like taking a bath in the sink.

The automatic device will still require some humans to put the ingredients in, but once it’s loaded it can crank out up to 400 burgers per hour. The machine stamps the patties, puts on the toppings (cut fresh to order) and then bags the burger. The company believes the device will pay for itself in just under a year.

Awesome! There ARE jobs that even robots won't do. Apply now for the marketing manager position.
Job Description:
Standing outside the store on the curb during rush hour wearing a sandwich board sign advertisement in sub zero temps while doing a robot dance.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Is Bigfoot living in Michigan and eating our pizza?

Michigan Man claims Bigfoot living on property eating pizza

There are two things in this world that I know for sure. There is a Bigfoot, and I am not he... AND I like pizza, so I guess that's three.

According to reports, this wooded property actually has broken branches from TREES in secluded areas on the property and piles of animal carcasses and skat in spots. What more evidence is required by the skeptics?

I know I'm a few days late on this story, but I've purposefully tried to keep a low profile. I didn't want the authorities knocking on MY door based on the evidence presented. Namely...

A) This Bigfoot sighting in Midland County is a mere hour's drive from my home, and logistically it is more than possible that it was I who defecated in this man's woods. (upgraded to "PROBABLE" for those who know me personally)

2) Bigfoot apparently eats pizza in the wild, based upon the empty pizza boxes found in the woods there. Well it just so happens that I LIKE PIZZA!

c) This man originally told authorities he first thought the creature was a hunter in a ghillie suit on his property. Well, I'm not proud of it, but there might be a picture or two from my college days of me in girlie suit! I don't think one looong weekend wearing a girlie suit should label someone, and... Oh, I see I misread and it says "ghillie suit", whatever that is. so nevermind #3.

In conclusion, there are a ton of pizza joints within a 15 minute diameter of the spacious and cozy Chattering Teeth Studios, but I would drive an hour for some really good Bigfoot pizza.

BLOG EXTRA!! It has been almost a year since my last Bigfoot post where I posited the question, "Does Bigfoot use our nation's roadside Rest Areas?"

...what dude hasn't excited a roadside rest area bathroom, only to warn approaching traveler's, "HOLD YOUR BREATH, I'm pretty sure Bigfoot was in there!" And "I would avoid the final stall if I were you. 'Squatch left tracks."

A series of "guttural grunts, howls and growls" and "sound blasts" led  Sasquatch investigators to this Northern Michigan rest area, where this controversial picture is purported to be of the legendary Bigfoot.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Hook Hand of God

First, the 'Hand of God' spotted by NASA space telescope. Now this?

 Text: Son, it's all "kicks-and-giggles" until someone loses a Hand. Promise no more making nebulas and pulsars by lighting and exploding supernovas?

God created the heavens and the earth (and my sense of humor). No blasphemy intended. No blasphemy taken.

Now admit THIS was awesome!

Friday, January 10, 2014

Chris Christie Donut Shop Lane Closure is a Bridge Too Far!

Alternate Headline: Chris Christie latest victim of the politics version of the Knockout Game, where he takes a "selfie" and beats his own a$$.

What about this G. W. Bridge story and Chris Christie, huh? Can we all agree that it must be GW's fault?

The thing I find the most unbelievable in this whole story is that bridge lanes are necessary for folks actually wanting to go to New Jersey. I've been to NJ once, and this, to me, doesn't smell right.

And they say we can't close the border.

You can close the WWII memorial with barricades, denying access for hundred-year-old vets for political punishment - no problem. You can use the strong arm of the IRS to target political opponents - no problem. Benghazi - Fast and Furious, and the list goes on - no problem. (if you're obama)

I draw the line when access to the donut shop is delayed.

“I am a very sad person today,” Christie said, between mouthfuls of glazed donuts. 

“I am heartbroken that someone was denied a donut because of my actions."

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Shoveling Snow in Flint Can Be dangerous

It may be cold where you are, and shoveling snow can be dangerous. But trust me. Not as dangerous as shoveling snow in Flint Town.

Flint man shot while shoveling snow at home

FLINT, MI -- A man said he was shoveling snow when he was shot in the left thigh and left little finger, according to a police report.

He was shoveling around 4:30 p.m. Sunday at a home on North Stevenson Street near Woodbridge Street when he suffered the gunshot wounds. He said he did not know who shot him.

He was taken to the hospital where he was listed in good condition. There was no other information included in the report.

Flint received about 17 inches of snow over the weekend.

OK, I guarantee there is a whole lot more to this story ("a man said"). I know for a fact that area of town has not been plowed since the 60's, dropping the odds to zero that this was an actual drive-by shooting. And if our fancy, double-paned vinyl windows aren't functioning due to the extreme cold here in the suburbs, those barred aluminum monstrosities won't open until spring - dropping the odds to zero that someone took a potshot at this dude from the safety of there own home. Occam's razor suggests that either his old lady shot him, or he shot himself in the thigh while shoveling.

In any case, this list of Eight rules that will keep you out of the emergency room this winter while shoveling needs to be expanded to cover Flint.

Shoveling Dos and Don'ts
#9 - Layer your clothing and include chain mail and kevlar
#10 - Always fall into the cleaned area after being shot. This increases the odds you will be found alive, and if not - at least the police can see the chalk outline.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

As the sun turns

Its so cold, Gollum is eating fishsicles.

You know where its NOT cold? The sun.

HUGE SUNSPOT TARGETS EARTH: One of the biggest sunspots in years is crossing the center of the solar disk, putting Earth in the way of potential eruptions.

OK Frodo, slooowly take the one true ring off and put it back in your pocketses. I don't like the way that eye is looking at us.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Snow Bored-ing

Issued by The National Weather Service - Detroit, M

16.2 inches of snow, followed by negative double-digit wind chill - at least it's a dry wind chill - Humidity, not so much.

For no apparent reason, here is a picture of our German Shepard, Koda, as she bounds towards the swimming pool.

Dear Blog,
As you know, I have a day off from work today due to being inundated by 16.2 inches of the white stuff (that's "snow", not "Obama nose candy"). Attention Loan Officers: Rural Development home mortgage underwriting turn-times = +1.

I loved the snow days when I was a kid, but they're even better for the grownups! Maybe because they are so much more rare. Believe it or not, the last "grownup" snow day I received was on Tuesday, December 12, 2000, when a winter storm dumped 14 inches on the city - and THAT was when I was in the business of newspaper distribution. THAT'S RIGHT! Newspaper deliveries for a major daily newspaper (+100,000 circulation at the time) were cancelled due to weather.

Remember the old US Postal Creed: "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."

NOT one of the Flint Journal's prouder moments (though they outdid themselves in the meltdown). It's unheard of for a newspaper to issue a "snow day", and we took a pretty well-deserved pounding for doing so (BTW, NOT MY CALL, and I didn't get a vote!). Keep in mind that the snow was pretty much over by that Tuesday morning, so the damage had already been done - AND The Flint Journal published in the afternoons during the week. This meant a 5PM delivery deadlline, but I'm sure subscribers would have given us a break on being a little late as opposed to not publishing a newspaper at all.

We had our carriers deliver a Tuesday edition with the Wednesdays edition in hopes we could minimize the subscription credits (and add to the ABC audit). When I say "Tuesday" edition, it was really a bonus Wednesday paper, but with the Tuesday date below the masthead. While credits were substantial, a tremendous amount of subscribers were very forgiving to us.

While I didn't look exhaustively for story links related that event, I was only able to find this short blurb (from nebraskaweatherphotos, via and AP)

Snow emergency in Michigan
Tue Dec 12 2000 7:45pm EST

...The emergency declaration was enough for the editor of the Flint Journal to cancel Tuesday's edition. (the Publisher) says he halted publication because non-emergency vehicles were barred from the roads, according to the declaration.

“I think we have a responsibility to heed the state of emergency,” said (Mr. S.). “The first priority is to get the streets clear.”

Of the paper’s 120 employees, only about 15 to 20 people made it to the office. That included the photographer, who reportedly skied and hitchhiked his way to work.

Besides the several inches of snow that fell Monday and Tuesday, drifts prevented many newspaper employees from reaching the office...

OK, full disclosure, I was not one of the few who made it in to the office that day, but I would have - had it not been closed. I was still shoveling my car out of the drive when the publisher made the call. As you can see, I deleted his name from the story, just cuz. I actually liked the man. He is in another business now, as are we all (almost). The Flint Journal still publishes a few days per week, but that is a whole other story.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

What does your blog host have in common with Gandhi, Hitler & Nixon?

I apologize in advance for yet another blog regarding my Personal Letter from Steve Martin, but I just can't get over the fact that something I kept in my sock drawer for 30 years just continues to circumnavigate the globe. (just google search "Personal Letter from Steve Martin" and you'll see what I mean)

I'm not sure why the UK's Daily Mail features my letter THIRD behind a letter from some fella name Gandhi to Hitler (I rate behind Hitler?), or a letter from an 8-year-old boy to President Nixon urging him to eat his vegetables (wait, I rate behind Nixon too?), but I do like the accolades underneath THE LETTER..

This letter from Hollywood star Steve Martin was sent to 17-year-old fan Jerry Carlson in 1979 and in just a few lines shows why he's such a popular comedy actor.

I'm blushing! For a publication as reputable as the Daily Mail to call me "a popular comedy actor"... REALLY? Ya think? I mean, I do try very hard on this blog to entertain and amuse... Thank you for those kind words. You're almost forgiven for placing me third.That Martin fella is pretty good too.

Per the Letters of Note website, the book by the same name has been completed and the promotional tour across the pond is apparently responsible for the explosion of recent links and stories.
the US edition will not be published until May 6th, 2014, but you can pre-order here.

I'm just hoping that my Personal Letter From "a teenage boy named Jerry" to Steve Martin is added to the list of prominent historical letters in time for the U.S. edition.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Undocumented Lawyers now allowed in California and I can't wait for the movie!

California grants law license to illegal immigrant
SAN FRANCISCO -  The California Supreme Court granted a law license Thursday to a man who has lived in the U.S. illegally for two decades, a ruling that advocates hope will open the door to millions of immigrants seeking to enter other professions such as medicine, accounting and teaching.

Awesome. Illegals doing those messy jobs that Americans don't want to do... like being lawyers, doctors, teachers, and IRS agents - freeing Americans up to... go on disability, I guess. If nothing else, it should make for some "must see TV"...

Fall preview:
You've heard of the Lincoln Lawyer, that 2011 movie about a defense lawyer who works out of his Lincoln Town Car? Well move over Matthew McConaughey, because there is a new el jefe in town.


He is an illegal immigrant defense lawyer, and his 1962 Chevrolet Impala doubles as his law office and home for himself and 22 members of his extended family. Check out this exciting scene from A Few Good Undocumented Lawyers... "YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!"

Obamacare never looked so good in the medical drama remake of ER. We will see a return of the original ER cast, but this time with a new medical illegal intern, in EL-ER.

If you prefer a good comedy over the dramas, hillarity should ensue with several new school theme series.

Welcome Back Gringo - That old square Mr. Kotter has been replaced by an illegal immigrant, and not eve Juan (who is a legal citizen) is happy about it. Or how about...

Boy Meets Mundo - A new coming of age comedy from the producers of Boy Meets World. This time Corey and Topanga are taught Common Core from Mister Feeny, played by Cheech Marin, the undocumented school principal.


P.S. I have no qualms with Mr. Garcia, who is said to have arrived in the U.S. as a teenager to pick almonds with his father. I happen to love almonds. However, he needs to enter this country legally through the front door if he wants to pursue LAW. An ILLEGAL lawyer should be mutually exclusive, shouldn't it? A lawless lawyer is almost as ridiculous as a doctor who, let's say hypothetically... kills babies.

The left continues to entertain.

Friday, January 3, 2014

The Failed State of Progressivism

Hug those little crumb-crunching Obamabots you decided not to abort, as they are indoctrinated with a daily dose of godless common core socialist progressive state-controlled lesson plans.

They grow up so fast to join the swelling ranks of the almost 11 million Americans on disability.

So Long, and Thanks for All the Sushi

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Chattering Teeth Blog's Resolutions for 2014

>> I will make every effort to post on a more regular basis, even when on temporary asylum in a Russia airport.

>> This blog will persevere to obtain the rest of the story through investigative reporting (googling) and keeping an inexpensive hooker on retainer.

>> Iwill make evry efort to proofr-ead at least 10% of my bloogs 6efore posting.

>> I promise the continued arrangement of words in such a way as to project flowery rhetorical flourish and self-defecating humor (without the aid of a teleprompter... or diapers).

>> DaBlade will continue to wear lederhosen while executing this blog until (A) Everyone reads his scribblings daily, or (2) Lederhosen becomes mainstream business-casual attire.

>> This blog will never embed audio of the Challenger disaster in a heartless attempt to entertain tasteless  progressives, nor will DaBlade stick out his tongue and twerk with his giant foam finger (at least while posting  his daily rant)

>> This blog will continue to support the blobfish and may even adopt it as the official blog mascot. Why? The blobfish and my blogposts are both (1) ugly at first blush, but tend to grow on you; (2) inedible (C) Gelatinous blobs suffering significant threats from fishing trawlers and progressive trollers.

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Rose Bowl 2014 preview, Chattering Teeth Style

Happy New Year! And it kicks off with a Gay Pride Parade? THIS... Is Sparta?

2014 Tournament of Roses Wedding Party

How romantic.
Hey Percy, do you want to get married on a large Twinkie in the Rose Parade float?

After more than 100 years of family-oriented entertainment on New Year's Day, the Tournament of Roses Parade has veered off course. Organizers are allowing progressives to parade their political agendas around and morph a historic parade into an event more closely resembling a gay pride parade than the Rose Parade we have come to know.

Hey, don't kick the messenger down a never ending hole, but I've seen this movie before...

First, we have the gay parade float...

and exchanging of vows...

XERXES: I, Persian "god-King and hairdresser extraordinaire" Xerxes, take you, King Leonidas, to be my lawfully wedded gay, male slave concubine, to have and to sodomize, from this day forward...

KING LEO: Oh hell no! I believe there was a misunderstanding When your spies overheard me say that I wanted to "funnel Xerxes into my tight quarters and making him vulnerable by cramming him into my small cliff pass where my 'hold, push and stab technique' could be most effective..."

Then comes the football game, where according to wiki:

Before the battle, the Persian Captain demands that the Spartans lay down their weapons. Leonidas refuses, and the Spartans successfully repel the ensuing Persian assault, using their superior martial skills and the tightly-knit phalanx formation.

Not sure how this one ends though.