Monday, May 25, 2020

Get busy living

This post was inspired by our good neighbors in Indiana, and this recently erected billboard just over our shared border...

The Gretchskank Redemption loosely based on the movie Shawshank Redemption, but instead of a population of confined inmates doing hard time and pining about the days they used to be free, the Shawshank Redemption is just about some prison.

These prison walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them. That's institutionalized. They send you here for life, that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyways.

In the movie "Shawshank" in that clip above, Red is talking about Brooks.  In the movie, the old man was a fish out of water after having gained his freedom. SPOILER: It doesn't end well for him.

In the remake, the character of Brooks is played by all of the judgmental mask-wearers who cling to their useless pieces of clothe (or in Alyssa Milano's case, their crocheted face mask). What will they do when these masks are no longer required by the local retailer or staying home is no longer mandated by The State?

This is Brooks.
Brooks is a mask-wearer.
Brooks loves his mask even though its useless.
Brooks is lost now without his mask.
Brooks is institutionalized.
Be like Andy

Speaking of our good friend Andy Dufresne, he is summoned to the Warden's Office.

WARDEN WHITMER: Nothing stops. Nothing, or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protection from the guards, I'll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the Sodomites.

Andy doesn't like the Warden and everything that she spews from her piehole. Andy heard there is freedom out there and wants to find it.

RED: But Indiana's way the hell down there and you're in here...
ANDY: "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying."

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Cuomo Retrofits Central Park Revolutionary Cannon - Goes On The Offensive To Battle The Virus

Chattering Teeth news - Gov. Andrew Cuomo, D-N.Y. has been widely criticized by the partisan right for sending elderly COVID-19 positive patients into the city's nursing homes, causing the spread of the coronavirus and 4,800 deaths.

But Gov. Cuomo is sly like a fox, as he has had the Central Park Revolutionary War Cannon refurbished and fully loaded with 800 grams of live gunpowder, cotton wadding and a cannon ball. Cuomo began a barrage of cannon fire and began targeting these hotspots early Tuesday evening.

MSNBC's Stephanie Ruhle now getting slammed for her 'softball interview' with Cuomo amid the 'cannonball run' nursing home controversy.

“While I have you, you have been criticized for your comments about nursing homes. Some people say you did not act quickly enough, too little, too late. What is your response to that criticism?” the MSNBC anchor asked.

"I’m getting criticized now for doing too much," Cuomo responded. "We will have lost many Americans in this, but the only solace we’re going to be able to take is we can say we did everything we could in flattening the city skyline curve where this feeding frenzy exists."

PICTURED: Located at Fourth Avenue and 101st Street in Brooklyn, the Fort Hamilton Rodman Gun is said to soon be operational and used if any newly opened businesses or daycare centers begin exhibiting signs of a second curve.

"Besides, its just a bunch of old people. None of us democrats care about them," Cuomo continued. "We've isolated the contagion and are now taking systematic steps to eradicate this virus."

The governor addressed a band of useful idiot reporters and said "nobody" should be prosecuted for the those who died, noting that "older people" were most vulnerable in this cannon ball assault on the virus.

Pictured: Gov Cuomo visits the site of where the Harlem Center for Nursing and Rehabilitation once stood and proudly announced it was "now free of the virus." 

Monday, May 18, 2020

Stay safe. Stay inebriated. Stay self-medicated. Stay asleep. Stay home.

In these uncertain, unprecedented, trying, difficult and challenging times like these of social distancing and slowing down - and as we turn more inside, more than ever - the doors may be closed but we can still find ways to stay close even when we're apart, all without leaving the safety of your home.  Chattering Teeth Blog is here to help us get through this together.

Stay safe. Stay inebriated. Stay self-medicated. Stay asleep. Stay home.

We have learned so much since the last foolish generation. "Greatest," indeed. When the times got tough, did they stay home, stay safe? No they did not. Did they face a threat that had the potential to kill almost 1% of the minority of people affected? No. And when they went to the grocery store for their scheduled pull up and pickup time, did they always get their order of toilet paper? I'm betting the safe guess is yes. In fact, based on the photos I've seen, everybody appears to have a clean, new haircut during WWII.

Just listen to these foolish rubes...

"America prepares. All of America alters it's life and work to meet the demand for protection."

Really? What happened to, "I stayed at work for you, you stay at home for us"?

"Industry is at double step ... The armaments of war an embattled world must have if democracy is to survive."

Ummm. Why do you need those assault weapons?

"Mechanical genius joins with the muscle of men, working to win for the ways of freedom. Freedom to think, to speak... to rise, live and plan with one's fellow man."

YIKES! Enough with this 'freedom' thingy and from this scary video. Here, watch this one and go back to sleep.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

Whitmer hopes to allow small gatherings of cardboard cutouts by June

Chattering Teeth Blog News - Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer addressed the nation yesterday... ok, when I say "the nation", I simply mean her small following of sycophants on Facebook Live.

The Gretch has been criticized for her arbitrary and restrictive orders during the coronavirus outbreak, but what benevolent monarch never throws a few scraps to their peasants? At first, The Gretch stated, “My hope is at the end of this month we can maybe permit gatherings of 10 or less.” She has since clarified this to mean a small gathering of cardboard cutouts

The Gretch has initiated the Defense Production Act and is mandating General Motors to convert all of their assembly plants and facilities to begin producing these cardboard beauties by the end of this year.

Whitmer said it’s her “fervent hope” that come the end of May, the state will be ready to go into another phase where it can start to engage more activities - "But barbers performing haircuts are simply out of the question until one of them can come up with a style that makes my forehead appear smaller than one of the Mackinac Bridge supports".

And... “We won’t be filling stadiums any time soon..." (sorry Lion fan)


IN yet another example of Her Majesty's benevolent love for her subjects, The Gretch unveils the new mandated "Hail, Governor" Voice Assistant that she expects to be found in every Michigan home by the June 1st door-to-door State Police inspections.

Turn in those obsolete listening devices from Google, Apple and Amazon, etc. No more "Hey Siri" or "OK Google". And forget about your mistress, "Alexa"... wait, excuse me... your Alexa COMPANION.

Now comes the new and improved state-approved spy device with a one-size-fits-all for every Michigan home. It comes in the form of a life-sized cardboard cutout of our own beloved governor.

*Like all of the previous inferior Voice Assistants, SHE is always listening. However, for the illusion of privacy, there is a "woke word" to get you started. Just state, "Hail, Governor!"

CAUTION: Do not mix old Wake words from previous VAs with the new Woke word. In other words, stating "Hey Governor," or "OK, Gretch" or Lansing forbid you simply just say, "Gretchen!" INSUBORDINATION! SUBVERSION! Your lockdown just got longer, mister!

*Instead of an auto-response from a pre-recorded feminine robot voice synthesizer, you will actually get a real-time LIVE response from one of Governor Gretchen Whitmer's operators staffed by the numerous displaced and furloughed healthcare workers. SOMETIMES you may even get a response from the Governor herself! (have tissue at hand for the expected emotional outburst you are bound to experience by being in HER voice presence).

*Was it music you wanted to hear? Maybe a particular song? Well, for get about the boring studio original - with "Hail, Governor", you are going to get that song sung by none other than Her Highness, Gretchen Whitmer! (I hear she does a mean version of "Let it Go", from Disney's Frozen)

*How about a weather report? Never mind getting boring current temperature readings or precipitation forecasts for later in the day (it's not like you are allowed to go anywhere). INSTEAD, sit back and enjoy a Global Warming... err... Climate Change discertation by none other than the Swedish teenager on the spectrum, Greta Thunberg!

DISCLAIMER: Subject to availability. The Governor has initiated the Defense Production Act and is mandating General Motors to convert all of their assembly plants and facilities to begin producing these VAs by the end of this year.


Thursday, May 14, 2020

Top Barber Criminals in History

The latest in the saga of the Owosso, Michigan barber who reopened his shop and refused to close despite state shutdown orders has had his license suspended by the State.

I think the main takeaway I learned from this story is the fact that barbers are licensed. I did not know that. I once had a young gal over at Quick Clips cut my hair who should have been arrested for scissors swerving in traffic. Ba-dum bum.
Pictured: Owosso cop tickets barber for failure of clippers to properly yield at the cop's left ear roundabout. Now he has to use a thumb tack to hold his scardey mask on.

Actually, this occifer of the law was delivering a ticket and a finger wag to this elderly businessman because his practice of being in the proximity of 7 customers within 8 hours IS WAY MORE DANGEROUS than the teenage bag clerk who comes in proximity to hundreds of patrons in half that time at the grocery checkout just down the street.

In any case, more court proceedings are in the future for this poor victim of State overreach.
JUDGE:I want a crew cut! 

More protesters planning to gather outside Michigan's capitol again today. Maybe they should all bring clippers as well as their "assault weapons" and trim each other's doo in the parking lot. THAT would really set these occifers off.


Jack the Ripper may have been Polish barber Aaron Kosminski

(He was never ticketed)

Monday, May 11, 2020

Arthur Spooner vs Frank Costanza

Jerry Stiller. One of the funniest tv actors ever.

Best 3 clips of Jerry from Seinfeld & King of Queens (j/k. They're all good)

Frank Costanza (Seinfeld)

The Bro

Serenity now


Arthur Spooner (King of Queens)

Game night

Card Game

The purse

Sunday, May 10, 2020

The Curse of the Black-Robed Swine

BREAKING: Sneak peek at the trailer for this year's BLOCKBUSTER HIT!!
NARRATOR: From Chattering Teeth Studios... For the first time in its 231-year history, the Supreme Court justices heard oral arguments remotely by phone. At precisely 12:42 p.m., the loud, unmistakable sound of a flushing toilet splashed through the Supreme Court’s third-ever livestream of oral arguments

 ...Who flushed? Many suspected Justice Sonia Sotomayor, as it was the day after Cinco de Mayo Taco Tuesday. Others suspected Justice Clarence Thomas, who is known to have to rope off access to the toilet with yellow caution tape after a lunch break visit to Five Guys. But no, the truth is much more macabre... This spring, don't miss The Curse of the Black-Robed Swine.

Chattering Teeth News - This blog has learned that the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise is coming out with a surprise installment that should be a good bookend to this once popular swashbuckling series. The first movie in 2003 - before a long line of sequels (nobody knows exactly how many films were actually made) - was titled, The Curse of the Black Pearl. This final movie is titled, The Curse of the Black-Robed Swine.  Instead of starring Johnny Depp as the effeminate pirate Jack Sparrow, the leading role goes to the frail yet seemingly indestructible old crone, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (RBG).

In "Pearl", the pirate crew was cursed after finding the Treasure of Cortés, doomed to live forever as the undead, the moonlight eerily transforming them into living skeletons.

In "Swine", the Supreme Court is cursed after the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, cursing all unrepentant perpetrators who advocated for this crime against humanity, past and present. The court's most vocal current advocate, RBG, is doomed to walk the earth as the undead - much to the delight of the evil progressive left.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg is now approximately 187 years old. She has had cancer numerous times, suffered falls that left her with fractures, and now is reportedly having gallbladder issues. How does she recover? Could it be her workouts reminiscent of Obama's power lifting workouts? Or is there something more sinister going on here?

Who flushed? Could RBG have had to flush the POCs from her latest 'donor'?

"Look! The moonlight shows what I really am. I am not among the living, and so I cannot die. But neither am I dead. For too long I've been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. Too long I've been starving to death and haven't died. I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face, nor the spray of the sea... You best start believing in ghost stories, Chief Roberts. You're in one!" - RBG


Saturday, May 9, 2020

Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangster

Michigan golfers will be allowed to ride motorized carts again under Gov. Gretchen Whitmer's latest order.
LANSING (WJRT) (5/8/2020) - Golfers got the OK to get back on the fairways on April 24, but until now they were required to walk the fairways. Gov. Gretchen Whitmer is allowing motorized golf carts again in her latest executive order.

Additional requirements under the latest from the governor's 42-stage plan for re-opening the golf courses:

1) While golf carts are now allowed, they must be left in reverse. When asked about this seemingly arbitrary requirement a spokesperson stated, "we are not out of the woods yet," which seemed to clarify things quite well.

2) Two to a cart will only be allowed if the non-driver lays on top of the roof while screaming at his partner to 'slow the f*** down!' as they careen wildly on two tires down a side hill toward the tree line.

3)  Golf balls must be washed after completion of each hole in the the convenient tee-side ballwashers, regardless of whether or not you suspect an earlier inebriated golfer may have urinated into it.

4) Golfers who fail to achieve a hole-in-one from each tee box will be required to pick up their ball and card a score of 'one' in order to enforce social distancing.

5) No golfer shall be denied permission to play through solely based on a confirmed or suspected diagnosis of COVID-19. (Governor Cuomo helped The Gretch with this one)

6) Lastly, if Governor Whitmer pulls up in the beverage cart, you are required to purchase beer. Failure to provide a large tip will earn you 7 days in jail. Calling her a C*** is punishable by firing squad.

PICTURED: (From left to right) Hollywood, The Rick (DaBlade's golf partner and course chauffeur), and Little Timmy. This picture was taken Thursday, 24 hours BEFORE the governor loosened the cart restrictions. Apparently, the golf course owners in Michigan were standing tall and thumbing their noses because they selfishly didn't want to go out of business. Our home course here is impossible to walk. I still was nervously looking over the tree line for black helicopters and I imagined seeing "that woman" around every bend.

Thursday, May 7, 2020

The Emu's Court

Chattering Teeth News - A Michigan family is happy now that their 6-foot-tall emu has been found playing in another resident's sprinkler about a mile from home one day after escaping. [yes, that is a real story]

However, now they fear the repercussions to their beloved pet for it's refusal to continue to shelter-in-place at this Oakland County farm less than an hour's drive from DaBlade's Blog Bunker.

It seems that Gov. Gretchen Whitmer learned of this 25-lb bird's selfish neighborhood jaunt and break for freedom, and she wants to set an example for all of the other bird brains in this state who might get a similar idea.

Whitmer has brought in Dallas State District Judge Eric Moyé to preside over the trial against the Emu. Judge Moyé is in the news for jailing the Texas salon owner for a week for defying virus shutdown order in order for her to selfishly feed her family.

Whitmer loved this raw bit of absolute fascism and overreach by the judge that she knew he was the one she needed to get this bird the justice he deserves, never mind the legal minutiae on how she can use a Texas judge for a Michigan trial.

What you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors. They are the actual people  (and fowl... you decide which is which) who have already either filed suit or been served a summons to appear in a Michigan Whitmer Kangaroo court. Both parties in the suit have agreed to dismiss their court cases and have their disputes settled here, in our forum: The Emu's Court.

DESPITE NOT BEING A FLIGHT RISK, the judge sentenced Darwin the Emu to having her wings clipped and her legs removed, smoked over night and slathered in Texas-style Barbecue.

Doug Llewelyn: According to Darwin, she just wanted to stretch her legs and maybe get her hair did. Quarantining in the pen can take a toll on the emu doo, after all. She was playing in the neighbor's sprinkler to get a good washing prior to getting the style. Taking the law into her own useless feather hands was a good choice in this case, as she looks stunning!

viewer email: “I find it outrageous and out of touch that during this national pandemic, a judge, in a county that actually released hardened criminals for fear of contracting COVID-19, would smoke an emu for going to her hair salon."


Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Cinco de Mayo - ¿donde esta casa de pepe?

Fun Cinco de Mayo Facts

Ocasio-Cortez tended bar during the very busy Cinco de Mayo celebration in 2017 at Flats Fix, the East 16th Street taco and tequila bar. She was known for shorting the waitress at the end of the night when redistributing tip wealth.

But she could make a mean margaritta.

and now a word from the president.

Monday, May 4, 2020

Monkey on a mini bike

Monkey rides up on motorcycle and attempts to kidnap child.

This happened in either Indonesia or just outside Biden's campaign headquarters. Alyssa Milano says she supports the monkey and advises him on how to handle these child abduction allegations.

Apparently, monkeys on bikes is not a new thing in Indonesia.

We sure can learn a lot from them as to good uses of our time during this extended house arrest.

Sunday, May 3, 2020

Stacey Abrams openly campaigning for the VP slot

Biden insiders slam Stacey Abrams’ veep pitch: ‘No one takes Stacey seriously’


“No one takes Stacey seriously. And her public campaigning for the job seems more like a hostage negotiation than an actual attempt to get the job,” a Biden insider told The Post.

Stacey Abrams, a former Georgia State House leader, is aggressively marketing herself as a potential vice president for Joe Biden — increasingly irritating those in the former veep’s orbit, an insider said.

Abrams said she has “concerns” about Biden “not picking a woman of color.” “If they go with a black woman, it would be Kamala Harris, but she’s a clunky communicator and couldn’t generate any excitement for her own campaign with black or white voters,” the Biden insider said.” As The Post previously reported, midwestern moderates like Klobuchar or Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer continue to have the inside track.

"I would be honored to be on the campaign trail as a running mate" to Joe Biden.

Saturday, May 2, 2020

Leslie West deserves to be heard, listened to, and I say believed!

The new Democrat talking point in answer to rape and sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden
“I believe that women deserve to be heard and I believe that they need to be listened to..."

"Listened to with laser focus like Pee Wee Herman and his over-sized ear."

BTW, if you ever get to go see a movie at an actual cinema in the future and either Joe Biden or Paul Reubens are in the row behind you,  do not share your popcorn with them.

As for the hard hitting interview where the Morning Mika actually asked Biden a question about the charges, this blog tends to believe Biden in so far as he emphatically states he does not remember.

after the interview, Joe mysteriously scrolled off screen. Apparently, Biden's sister-wife, Jill, had a robe tie fastened to the back of Joe's office chair so she could pull him to safety. She did not want a repeat of her husband-brother staring vacantly at the camera well after the interview had ended.

And now for a post-ending musical interlude from Mountain and Leslie West with Mississippi Queen.