Thursday, December 14, 2017

snail on a keyboard

I contracted the Geico Sloth to do the blog 'shop graphic... accompany my comfort therapy terrestrial pulmonate gastropod mollusc named Bob's guest blog columnist post.

If you feel you must comment, please wait for them to complete their work. It's not like I will be watching from a warm Florida beach with a drink in my hand.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Roy Moore Announces Middle School Yearbook Signing Tour

Judge "Judges" Book By Cover

Can You Get An F In Lunch?

Not as long as you stay away from that dude in the cowboy hat sitting on a horse named Sassy in the school parking lot.

Meanwhile... across the fruited plain.
Hundreds, perhaps trillions of middle-aged white people stood in line for literally what seemed like a thousand years in a Seattle book store yesterday to get a signed copy of Clinton’s latest book, “What Happened,” and to meet their queen.

“She’s American royalty,’’ said [some pussyhat wearing female buffoon] as her friends nodded in agreement. “We have a queen.”

“It was so inspirational. I can’t believe that... I’m standing in the same room with her.”

What? As opposed to lying horizontally in a nearby park with a 'self-inflicted' gunshot wound?

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Did Roy Moore Bully-Sign Boy's Yearbook?


Did Roy Moore bully-sign the yearbook of that Tennessee middle schooler with the funny schnoz? If so, can we all agree that maybe the judge has gone a little too far this time!? 

To Keaton,
If there is another Tennessee 
middle schooler with a funnier 
nose, I could not say.
Roy Moore - senator 2017

The Chattering Teeth Blog has the boy's original Horace Maynard Middle School yearbook, and their handwriting expert on staff is carefully analyzing the script as votes are being cast in the Alabama senate election (though the milk stains are distracting him). Will the results conclude that Moore bullied this young Jimmy Durante doppleganger? Will they be available in time to affect this election? Will Gloria Allred represent 'Rocky' after she gets a whiff of his mother's crowd funding efforts? Stay tuned for the exciting answers.


And now for a visit from the spirit of the Father from Christmas past.

Dude. Man up. 
Stand up for yourself. Don't ever willingly allow anyone to pour milk on you or put ham down your clothes without fighting back (or adding 2 slices of Wonder and squirting a mustard chaser down the front of your drawers for the laughs - chicks dig that kind of stuff). Don't be afraid to lose. In fact, you most likely will. But if you play your cards right, you won't lose before you get a good shot in on the biggest bully. And after you are knocked down and possibly bloodied, stand back up and confront them by yelling, "YOU QUIT, YOU LOSE M&**er F*%^ERS!!!!" Rinse and repeat. Trust me, they will think you crazy and leave you alone. There are always easier pickin's then 'crazy'. You see, there is no shame in losing my son. Only in not standing up for yourself. And not knowing which bathroom to use. My time is now done here. You will now be visited by the spirit of Christmas present. NOW whatcha gonna do when they come for you!?

Friday, December 8, 2017

Planned Parenthood Exit Coming Up

DOJ investigation launched into Planned Parenthood’s practice of selling baby parts

It's true, they kill millions of babies, then cut them up and sell their parts for profit - but should THAT minor detail override the good things they do? Like providing sex education... errr.... and providing important DIRECTORY services in telling young women where they can go if they insist on prenatal care or an actual breast exam.

And just WHO ARE YOU to decide that infanticide committed by a women's body is wrong? Don't like it, don't kill any!

I have a dream that one day the Buffalo Bill character from the movie Silence of the Lambs will not be judged by the content of his basement well nor the skins taken from his overweight victims, but by the quality of stitching for his 'woman suit'.

A "FREE MAMOGRAMS" (sic) sign found buried under the porch of legendary serial killer, John Wayne Gacy. If confirmed that Mr Gacy actually performed free mammograms or provided "non-judgmental" sex education - it could lead to his posthumous exoneration.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

The embassy just got 10 feet higher

Trump to move our embassy to Israel’s capital in Jerusalem.

The capital of the Jewish people for a mere 4,000 years or so.

The arabs who call themselves 'Palestinians' (which is not really a thing) say they will withdraw from the peace talks. YIKKES! *WRINGS HANDS* *lip quiver* *sob*

The MSM agree that Trump has destroyed the peace process, hoping we will ignore the 100+ years of violence perpetuated by these same arabs.

Hamas plans 'day of rage' in response to Trump's Jerusalem decision

TRUMP: "The embassy just got 10 feet higher."
In fact, let's put the embassy in that domed building on that rock. First, paint over that ugly gold - I'm thinking 'egg shell white' - and put up a neon TRUMP sign on top.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017


The "Gay wedding cake controversy" is now in the hands of the Supreme Court.

The very future of our fragile republic rests in the outcome, and the answers to these questions.
1) Will Ruth Bader Ginsburg stay awake long enough to give her dependable rubber stamp vote to the leftist?

B) How many drool aprons will she soil through today's opening arguments?

c) Will the gay male couple show up for oral arguments covered in frosting and confectionary sugars like that large lesbian couple who put Sweetcakes Bakery in Oregon out of business?

4) Will the high court take up my petition to force Masterpiece Cakeshop to bake me this chattering teeth cake?

Stay tuned for the exciting outcome.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Harvey Weinstein Christmas Album

Love listening to the classics this time of year!
Harvey sings...
She & Him  "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's warm on my casting couch
This audition has been - ignore your conjoined twin
So very nice - I'll drop my pants and release the dice

My agent might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink? - Chloral Hydrate in there
I wish I knew how - Close your eyes and brace yourself
To break this spell - You want the part or not? Your twin looks swell

There's bound to be charges tomorrow - Think of my cell mate's sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you disappeared and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out
Ah, but it's cold outside
Oh, baby, I'm cold inside

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Deluxe Matt Lauer Toy Office Desk With Secret Button


NEW THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!!! Introducing the Deluxe Matt Lauer Toy Office Desk (With Secret Button)

It makes a wonderful addition to the playroom or bedroom of your budding male talk show host, democrat senator or Hollywood producer. This toddler toy desk features plenty of storage for kiddos to organize crayons, finger paints... toy handcuffs, zip ties & rolls of duct tape. 

There is an 'audition space' directly in front of the desk of your little predator-in-training, adjacent to the score board with the handy garment hook. Your little Johnny only needs to hit the "Secret Button" underneath the desktop to lock his bedroom door (Little Johnny's dad will need to help with the wiring - a GREAT father/son moment!) 

Will little Sally get the part? I guess that's up to her,isn't little Johnny? 

Now only $69.99. Our new operator, Matt Lauer is standing by to take your order. We can't promise he is wearing any pants. Call now!!

Matt Lauer had a secret button that would lock his office from the inside
...and somewhere in a high rise office... George Costanza sleeps beneath his desk, dreaming of being a marine biologist.
This linked sentence leads to a toy art desk and has nothing to do with this blog post of randomly hit key strokes. Any similarities or assumptions made to link this real children's toy with the one described here is the fault of the perverted mind of the reader making this false connection, and your blog host takes no responsibility for perverted democrats who may stumble here.


Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Pervey The Elf

Head Elf:  Pervey! What's eatin' ya, boy?

Pervey: Not happy with my work, I guess.

Head Elf: Do you mind telling me what you do want to do?

Pervey: Well, sir, someday, I'd like to be a... a senator.

Head Elf: Now listen: we have dolls that cry, talk, walk, blink and run a temperature. We don't need any dolls that sue us for getting groped and forcibly kissed against their will!

Monday, November 27, 2017

Sophia the Robot Buys Rommba on Cyber Monday

QUESTION: Why did a robot that is the very latest in artificial intelligence and robotics technology and also is programmed to identify as a female, purchase a Roomba® 980 robot vacuum on Cyber Monday?  

ANSWER: To save 10%... And because Sophia is a lesbian robot.

wait for it....

Buckle up. You are now entering the Chattering Teeth Matrix...

Chattering Teeth News - Have you heard about Sophia the humanoid robot? This is the most recent collection of nuts and bolts that has all the secular humanists excited at the possibility of man-made AI achieving sentience. Even Sophia's 'About Me' intro states in part -

"...Every interaction I have with people has an impact on how I develop and shapes who I eventually become. So please be nice to me as I would like to be a smart, compassionate robot. I hope you will join me on my journey to live, learn, and grow in the world so that I can realize my dream of becoming an awakening machine."

By the way, did you catch that passive-aggressive threat? Please be nice to me, for I would like to be... a compassionate robot. I am reminded of the "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" line from the Hulk movies.

But I digress.

Brainiacs like Elon Musk and Stephen Hawking have warned about the dangers of AI, and how these robots are a threat to the human race. Of course, most secular humanists probably think their can openers are 'alive', but these same clueless progressives can't see actual LIFE if it exists inside a woman's womb.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe that we can create dangerous machines that can be programmed to kill us. Just not actual life.

"God created Man. Man destroyed God. Man created Rommbas. Rommbas kill man and clean women's carpets... Woman Lesbots inherit the earth.” ― (Not Michael Crichton, Jurassic Park). 

Now that we are on this subject, check out this journalist's fascination with this machine's naughty parts... (at the 1:20-ish mark). I wonder if he talks dirty to his toaster too?

The latest Sophia news is that it says it wants to start a family.

Wait, I thought we established that Sophia was a lesbot? Is Sophia actually a BiBot? Maybe a TransBot? In any event, I think we can safely assume that the LGBTQIAPK COMMUNITY needs additional letters to account for the additional artificial genders. Let's start with LGBTQIAPK & AILAIGAIBAITAIQAIIAIAAIPAIK.

I have to go now. My iRobot Roomba® 980 is prancing around my living room wearing the sofa arm cover on it's head like some kind of impromptu woman's wig. Time to do some re-programming.


Sunday, November 26, 2017

Was there Russian meddling in the preparation of Sarah Huckabee Sanders' chocolate pecan pie?

I was binge-watching the Netflix yule log for several hours (NO SPOILERS! I'm not finished watching!) when this stunning photo appeared in my inbox from an anonymous tipster with a hidden oven cam.

REALLY???? Isn't this the same pie from Sarah's tweet?

Chattering Teeth News -A bombshell indictment may be forthcoming in the alleged pie tampering investigation, this blog reporter has learned. Special counsel Robert Mueller's sole focus will now be dedicated in getting to the bottom of #piegate. Was there Russian meddling in the preparation of Sarah Huckabee Sanders' chocolate pecan pie?

Once this investigation is completed, Mueller promises to get to those deleted Clinton emails, the uranium to Russia, and the fake dossier thingy (if there's still time).

The White House press secretary swears she didn't share a fake pie picture, and the White House lawyers are hopeful that the investigation will end soon and absolve Sarah of any kitchen collusion wrongdoing.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Elon Musk builds world's largest battery - Black Friday Update - Now Sold Out!

Tesla Just Finished Building the World's Biggest Battery

...and here is the lucky purchaser of this one-of-a-kind 129 megawatt hour battery.
Apparently he had to camp out 30+ days in advance to be the first in line to get his lucky ticket. Originally he just wanted a shot at the 55" flat screen TV, but found he needed a new battery for his lantern. 

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving 2017

Looks like Senator Franken has dibs on the breasts.

And now for a visit from the Chattering Teeth Ghost of Thanksgiving posts past. Grab a seat by the fire... Now I wasn't born with a silver turkey gravy ladle in my over-sized pumpkin piehole, so you'll have to content yourself with a seat in front of my faux electric fireplace. Comfy?

The First Thanksgiving and Black Friday - Shopping like it's 1621!
In 1621, prior to anthropogenic global warming, the month of November was cold in New England. Freakin' cold. Certainly too cold to plant crops! "I wished I'd thought of that before leaving in September on a 2-month tour," thought Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford, regretting once his decision to anchor the Mayflower off the shores of the new world in the dead of winter.

"...and honkey please, I'm freezing my butt off in these knickers!," Bradford complained. [more]

Now don't forget the dessert!

Life of Pumpkin Pie
I have this movie idea ... Picture a large Pumpkin pie stranded and adrift on a lifeboat with Detroit Tiger, Prince Fielder. One is a traditional holiday dessert with a blend of warm spices and the other is a very large and hungry Tiger, both on a very small boat.
 Will the Tiger eat the pie? The suspense will slowly build throughout the movie, as time and time again the Tiger picks up the boat oar, swats and misses the huge, round and stationary pie. [more]

Enjoy your turkey feast. Combat climate change by ridding the planet of turkey methane. Just don't wander too close to the couch later...

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Inflatable Turkeys (WBAGNFARB)

I am thankful I live in a world that includes inflatable turkeys.

Not enough time to make a real turkey for the holidays? Just blow up this inflatable turkey! Only don't try to carve it . . . A fun gag gift for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Made of Vinyl
Comes Delfated in Illustrated Box
Measures 16 inches long

At the time of this post, there were still 36 inflatable turkeys left this Thanksgiving Eve! What? You don't eat vinyl? Well, everything isn't always about you!

Won't you help this starving Family Pack of CPR Manikins this Thanksgiving?

The Prestan Family Pack of Medium Skin CPR manikins contains 2 Adults, 1 Child and 2 Infants, all with LED Rate Monitors. 

Also included are 20 Adult Lung Bags, 10 Child Lung Bags, 20 Infant Lung Bags, an Instruction Sheet, and a nylon carrying case.

If you don't send me money immediately...
I see a vacant seat. in the poor chimney-corner, and a 'Manikin" child's lung bag without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future...

Your generous gift of $15 made payable to the Chattering Teeth Blog will supply one inflatable Turkey for a needy Family Pack of CPR Manikins.'re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Monday, November 20, 2017

Charles Manson Facebook Status Update

He gone.

At least now we don't have to worry about Manson using his 'talents' of persuasion in getting folks to murder for him. The same could be said of Hitler and Sanger.

From the Chattering Teeth Manson Archives:
Charles Manson Caught "Hexting" with Smuggled Cell Phone

The murderous cult leader was caught with an LG flip phone under his mattress, and it was determined that he had made numerous calls and sent text messages to people in California, New Jersey, Florida and British Columbia.

We all have our own unique talents and natural gifts. Some folks express themselves through their art, music, words, etc. Manson's talent is an uncanny ability to persuade folks to kill for him. The story doesn't state the purpose for Charlie's calls - but if I had to guess - Charlie's got a Smart Phone and now Janie's got a gun.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

US Navy Pilot Draws Mitch McConnell In The Sky

U.S. Navy crew grounded after the first incident. The above should lead to a Court Martial!

Friday, November 17, 2017

Franken Varys

Chattering Teeth News - Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) has enlisted the help of a fictional eunuch politician from Westeros to give the mandatory anti-sexual harassment training to members of congress. Senator Al Franken immediately  groped and "forcibly kissed" the eunuch trainer upon his arrival without his consent.

Fans of the George R.R. Martin books or the hit HBO series Game Of Thrones will immediately recognize the trainer as none other than Lord Varys, a/k/a 'The Spider', a/k/a 'The Master of Whisperers on the King's Small Council.'  The world of GOT is filled with perversion, pedophiles and criminal misogynists making it a perfect reflection of congress.

As Varys has explained this, he was traveling  with a "a troupe of actors" when he was forcibly castrated 'root and stem' by a sorcerer. What better solution to the sexual harassment problem than the forcible castration of most our congressmen? I say most, because I assume there are still a couple gentlemen left in these chambers.

Then there is Paul Ryan, which castration is not necessary as he has already lost his balls to McConnell a long time ago.

I agree with Mark Levin in calling for Ryan and McConnell to resign. This problem in congress and the senate may not have started with them, but clearly it is under their watch that the sexual predatation is running rampant among our elected representatives.


Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Sean Hannity Gives Keurig Customer Service Just 24 Hours To Replace His Broken Coffee Maker

Chattering Teeth News - "For me, Keurig has 24 hours to replace my coffee machine," said the Fox News fake conservative, fake Catholic and Trump sycophant, Sean Hannity. The  allegations that I broke this coffee maker myself are absolutely false.

Sunday, November 12, 2017


Duterte & Trump Knife Fight in Philippines

Chattering Teeth News - President Trump is in the Philippines today on the last leg of his 'Kickin' ASSia & Takin' Names' Tour. It is being reported that Trump and his Filipino presidential counter-part, Rodrigo Duterte, are becoming fast friends.

It was just a few days ago that Duterte stated he had stabbed someone to death during a rumble when he was just 16 years old. For this reason, Trump called on HUD Secretary Ben Carson to give him a few pointers in case a friendly knife-fighting contest broke out.

One of the main reasons Trump selected the 'low-energy' and soft-spoken retired neurosurgeon from Detroit to be head of HUD was because he once used his Gifted Hands to stab a bully during a rumble when was 14 years old, and Trump figured he'd some day need Carson's sick knife skilz.

Sure enough, shortly before the gala dinner was to begin, Duterte snapped his fingers and Ninja-like servants suddenly appeared. They proceeded to tie Trump and Duterte's off left wrists together, while crowds formed an impromptu circle and surrounded the knife-wielding contestants. Ben Carson began singing Michael Jackson's 'Beat it" as the two circled each other warily.

Duterte appeared surprised at Trump's footwork as he ducked, parried and lept over every one of Rodrigo's akward slashes. Trump was employing a rope-a-dope strategy by playing defense and allowing Duterte to tire. The Philipino appeared to lose his discipline and began lunging, as Trump taunted him with blown kisses and calling him 'Little Rodrigo'.

At one point, Trump side-stepped his opponent's thrust like a practiced matador, feinting then pulling him into a grapple. Duterte struggled but was unable to free himself from Trump's choke hold. The Donald finally raised his right foot and planted it into Duterte's solar plexes, sending him flying across the gala hall.

Trump ended the contest with his only offensive move, and his steel blade struck Duterte's metal belt buckle and snapped, just as Carson had shown him. Duterte surrendered, and they repaired to the dining room where they raised a toast to each other's health and the continued destruction of the ISIS bastards.


P.S. - One of this rock-n-roller's guilty pleasures was listening to Michael Jackson songs. Yes, I did buy Thriller on a cassette tape and secretly listened and have never confessed this to my friends... until now.

Here is actual footage of Trump and Duterte's Thrilla in Manila II.

Friday, November 10, 2017


Obama reports for jury duty in Chicago and is dismissed
Former US President Barack Obama has turned up for jury duty at a Chicago courthouse, but was dismissed by the judge without being called on to serve... 

There was no official explanation for his dismissal, but it is not uncommon for people called to perform jury service not to be assigned a case.

We don't really need an explanation, now do we? Since this crime took place in Chicago, odds are that it is regarding some horrific gangland-style shooting. I'm sure that during the process of "voir dire" and the prosecution's examination of the potential jurists, he would have immediately excused Obama with his first peremptory challenge due to his history of bias against law enforcement and flaunting of the rule of law.

But what if Obama HAD been seated on this jury?... As I was reading this linked article, I was well into the second sentence dealing with the adulating'crowds trying to get a glimpse of the 44th US president' when I noticed my eyelids beginning to droop. "Have I been hit with a tranquilizer dart again?," I mused... as I started going numb. I feeel... sooo... sleeeepy... Zzzzz.


PLOT - The defense and the prosecution have rested and the jury is filing into the jury room to decide if a young black man is guilty or innocent of murdering execution style a white police officer during a Black Lives Matter riot. What begins as an open-and-shut case of murder soon becomes a racist platform for one marxist, honky cop-hating jurist.


Juror #8: I don’t know – not having been there and not seeing all the facts – what role race played in that, but I think it’s fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry; number two that he Chicago police acted stupidly in arresting somebody.
*sporadic nodding in agreement by the democrat jurorists*


Juror #3: Does anyone else smell that skunky marijuana odor? Who's been doin' weed? Somebody's been choomin'...


Juror #8: (speaking to the defendant) If you like your freedom, you can keep your freedom.

DEFENDANT: (in orange prison jumpsuit and in handcuffs and chains) ALLUHU AKBAR!

*crowd gasps in shock at realization the accused is a moozlim terrorist...

Juror #8: Unless we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place, remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition, people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ... If I had a son, he'd look like this defendant.


Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Neighbors complain about junk cars littering Rand Paul's unmowed & overgrown lawn

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - With President Trump visiting CHiiiNa (and 11-yr-old Frankie back in school), they can't help Rand Paul's lawn care situation anymore. And the neighbors are noticing.
Senator Paul says he will "Cut, cut, cut" just as soon as he is "healed, healed, healed."

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

All Democrats are Animals

When Planet Green at The Mother Nature Network lectures on democracy, you know you're in for a treat.
THIS JUST IN, 60% of cud-chewing standing Red Deer voted for Hillary!

Democracy takes flight
Queen bees and alpha chimps aren't voted into office, but that doesn't mean they're despots.
I hate to quibble, but we don't have to go back in history to come up with example after example of elected despotism. Turkey's Erdo─čan, Russia's Putin, Iran's Khamenei, and our very own Obama are/were despots voted into office by the majority. Let's continue.

Scientists have begun to view many animal species as de facto democracies, where majority rule ensures survival more than tyranny can.
Again. this is only sentence 2, but "majority rule" and "tyranny" are not mutually exclusive. (see above). Proceed with caution.

Our own species' democratic tendencies date back at least to our prehuman ancestors.
Here we go. I csee making a compelling case that Pelosi, Schumer, and the rest of their ilk are products of their "prehuman ancestors". The rest of us are children of God. We aren't done with even the first paragraph. I suggest you gird your loinage area if proceeding.

"[S]hared decision-making is likely to be of great importance for the evolution of stable social organizations, explaining why it appears to be common in social animals," biologists Larissa Conradt and Timothy Roper wrote in a 2007 study, "Democracy in animals." Most species don't belabor politics like humans do, but our democratic roots can be seen across the animal kingdom — which, in many cases, is more like an animal republic.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG POST to bring you this urgent disclaimer by announcing that your blog host was unsuccessful in reading his own linked story in its entirety, and so therefore any opinions and conclusions cannot be relied upon or used as source material in any major college theses... Unless you want an 'A+'.

If you proceed to the next slide after the intro, you learned that "the red deer of Eurasia live in large herds, spending lots of time either grazing or lying down to ruminate."

In other words, they sound like your typical democrat voter base, laying around eating Cheetos while watching Oprah on TV.
Scientists have noticed that herds only move when 60 percent of the adults stand up. However, if only 48% of the red deer herd stands, the rest are called "hanging chads" and not allowed to play in any Red Deer games.

In fairness to the red deer, it's not a complete analogy, for they are producing something of value. If you watch them closely, you seem them manufacturing meat for human consumption. Therefore, they are not a complete drain on nature and I take back my original disparaging remarks.

That's all the time we have, folks. I have to go to work to produce meat for my family's table. We'll ruminate more tomorrow.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Trump and 11-yr-old Frankie helps Rand finish mowing his lawn after nut job democrat attack

Sen. Rand Paul attacked by neighbor while mowing lawn at his Kentucky home

Chattering Teeth News - Senator Rand Paul was blindsided and assaulted by his neighbor, a 59-yr-old retired Democrat doctor named Rene Boucher, while he was mowing his lawn. It is unknown at this time what set this dude off, or if having a girl's first name contributed to his rage, but it has been reported that the two have had an ongoing feud.

Obviously, the guy has a few screws loose.

I could hypothetically understand administering a blind flying tackle to knock my neighbor off of his tractor mower if he happened to be mowing his lawn before noon on a weekend - but reports state this attack happened around 3:20pm. 

Maybe the guy was upset with Sen. Paul because he would only mow his own yard and not his neighbor's - You know how democrats insist on taking the goods and services of hard working Americans for themselves.

It has not been reported anywhere, so it is not clear if this doc Butcher screamed the popular Antifa chant of 
"NO USA AT ALL" he launched himself  on the diminutive constitutional conservative.

Trump offered Rand the use of the 11-yr-old 6TH-grade Virginian boy named Frank, the official White House lawn mower. He also tweeted that Rand Paul's nut job democrat neighbor and attacker should get the death penalty.

“President Trump, where is your leadership?” Chucky Schumer said.

CNN's Jake Tapper reports, "...sometimes the phrase 'NO USA AT ALL' is said under the most beautiful of circumstances."


Friday, November 3, 2017

Donna Brazile digs up and dances with Hillary's campaign corpse

Dancing With the Dead involves a bizarre tradition whereby families dig up the bodies of their dead relatives and then dance with the corpses in the streets, and shockingly this macabre practice may be spreading the black plague in Madagascar.

In other news, Donna Brazile admits the DNC rigged the nomination for Hillary Clinton.

Well that escalated quickly.

Thursday, November 2, 2017


PICTURED: Obama Bans Selfies at The Obama Foundation Summit - and then starts throwing islamic finger salutes and Chicago gang signs.

ACTUAL fake AUDIO of Obama re-enacting people coming up to him and wanting to get his photograph...

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Tiny House Halloween

Urban teenager regrets his decision to spend his last time trick-or-treating on Halloween by getting dropped off at the tiny houses village community on the outskirts of town. The good news is that he and his friends were able to break their old record of number of houses visited to maximize their Halloween take. The bad news is they only scored pillow cases full of dried chickpeas, soy nuts, freeze-dried Kale, and probiotic yogurt pops.

Monday, October 30, 2017


Green Tea Kit Kat Bar [here] - One of the more popular flavors in Japan.
*Appears this was made in Chernobyl. Kids, I recommend letting it steep for 7 full minutes.

Swedish Fish Minis, Soft & Chewy Gummy Candy [here] - They taste like fruit, not like fish. Get some now and share them with friends.
*But ARE they fish? Nothing says "candy" like a good 'ol carp chew.

Bigfoot Ballz Sour Candy - Mystery Flavor Balls [here] -Mystery-licious Flavor - 100% Mysterious like Bigfoot! …Relax …nothing weird. Seriously, they’re fruity & delicious.

Larvets Worm Snax - [here] "Don't want to hand out candy? For the most brave among your students, try Larvets. These edible, farm-raised larva are Bar-B-Que, Cheddar Cheese, or Mexican Spice flavored. With only nine calories per serving, these genuine farm-raised edible insects will be a real hit. An unforgettable way to begin a food science or health unit. These dried, delicious treats are great fun. Some of our students describe the taste and crunch as similar to popcorn."

*Bug Zappitty Delicious! The bucket o' worms are in a bowl on the porch, kids. Just one handful! Don't be greedy!

Sunday, October 29, 2017

FrankenMueller's monster

President Trump has called it a "witch hunt".

FrankenMueller's monster appears to be digging a fresh grave and looking for dirt in Trump's yard, but he's coming up empty with each scoop of the shovel. "I got a rock," he seems to be saying. FrankenMueller's monster also hates fire. "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!," scream the GOP with their pitchforks and torches, calling for the monster's stitched head. However, the special prosecutor is a being of the undead and will therefore wreak as much havoc as possible before succumbing to the light of truth.

...but its actually Crooked Witch Hillary who knows where the bodies are buried, for it was her campaign and the DNC who planted them. Crooked Witch Hillary is wicked and desirous of the ruby red slippers of power. She was willing to stoop to anything and cast any dark spell to acquire them. Her flying monkeys in the media were willing to do her bidding at every turn. Alas, last November was like a cold bucket of water poored over her crooked and twisted head. She has been doing a slow melt ever since.

Meanwhile, Vlad the Pootie Poot watches from the sidelines and just laughs his evil laugh. Vlad would have much preferred that Crooked Witch Hillary had acquired the ruby red slippers of power, for it was her with Obamazombie and his "flexibility" that allowed Pootie Poot to stockpile our uranium in his castle's cellar. Still, he finds it humorous watching the flying media monkeys falsely accusing President Trump for Crooked Witch Hillary's crimes.

Lest ye are now full of despair (and those awesome mini Snickers bars you've raided from the trick-or-treat stash) All is not lost, for President Trump defends his domain with a pair of Crystal Balls and wooden stakes to fend off these undead creatures of the night.


Friday, October 27, 2017

Do The Hillary Russian Dossier Do

A day in the life of a 6th grade boy in 1972 (a scary short story) 
Nothing was more terrifying to this 12-year-old boy back in 1972 than the angst leading up to 6th grade "music" class when the crazy old bag teacher made us square dance.

I was a rail-thin introvert with a funny mop of untamed black hair. I was an ok student. Not great, but ok. I would slink down in my chair and made every attempt to stay invisible during the school day, least-wise until the final bell when I would race to my patrolboy post a few blocks away, buckling the bright fluorescent orange belt with sash. I never lost one walker my entire patrolboy career.

Duties fulfilled, I would race home to do my paper route so I could finish in time to watch Lost in Space on television. Oh, Penny! You can jaywalk by my patrol post any day! Then back outside to either ride my bike (apple red with the black, banana seat and tall sissy bar) or play street hockey or football with the fellas until dark.

DID I MENTION the thing about the Square dancing yet? I did? I still don't like to think about it. All kidding aside, this was cruel and unusually punishment and torture administered on an awkward pre-teen boy.

I respected authority, and respected my elders (as most of us did back in those days I suspect - unlike today). I didn't WANT to defy a teacher, but I was given no real choice. Either Square dance when its your turn, or to the principal's office and a call to my parents. I went with "B". I was sure my parents would side with me over this unfair dichotomy! My dad was a Flint cop who would know criminal injustice perpetrated by this evil state-controlled public elementary school administration against a defenseless student (me), and my mom loved me and wouldn't want me to come to this harm, would she?

Boy, did I ever misjudge their reaction. My mom thought the square dancing thingy was cute, and she was horrified that I defied the teacher. My father left most things domestic to my mother, so no help there. The next day found me on stage during "music" class, quietly sobbing as I did the "Dosey do" and the "allemande left" or whatever that dude was chanting on the scratchy record, LOCKING ELBOWS with the girls and skipping in circles - catching cooties and narrowly avoiding purposefully launching myself into the void off the edge of the auditorium stage .

I still sometimes vault upright in bed, awakened by memories of this nightmare, breathing heavily, sweat soaking my sheets... an inadvertent release of bladder not suffered since childhood. to this day I won't dance at a wedding reception or anywhere else its expected.


P.S. -I was reminded of this childhood horror with the whole Hillary Clinton story in the news, and how her campaign actually funded the fake Russian dossier on Trump. For some reason, the word "dossier" made me keep thinking "Dosey do", and I was immediately transported back in time.

...and voia', my own square dance was born, with a touch of the Hokey Pokey and just a pinch of The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Enjoy. Or be horrified.

Do The Hillary Russian Dossier Do

Bow to your partner (Putin), bow to your corner, Soros and the DNC-funded Fusion
All join hands and circle left, you circle way out wide,
Fusion Collusion confusion
They'll never know we lied!

Dosier do your corner, 
Dosier do your partner

Putin your left cankle in,
Putin your left cankle out.
Putin your left cankle in,
and you shake it all about.
You dodge imaginary sniper fire 
from the Bosnians all about
Fake news to create Trump doubts.

Dosier do your corner, 
Dosier do your partner

Now join hands with the media and Promenade
you take a little walk 'cause it's ninety in the shade.
Chicken's in the main stream media picking out dough.
Granny, does your dog bite? No, child, no.

Dosier do your corner, 
Dosier do your partner.