Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014 Chattering Teeth's Year in Review

It was a good year in and around the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios. I gained two beautiful daughter-in-laws when my middle son got married in October, and the eldest boy hitched earlier this month. Being the father of 3 boys, I now have learned what my life these last 25 years has been lacking. Drama. But a 'good' drama because I love them as my own :)

It was a little bitter-sweet when my middle son was married. Not only did he move out, but he took his 3 year old German Sheperd with him. Koda had lived with us her entire life and Mrs DaBlade and I were heartbroken when she left. (Oh yah, we miss you too son).

The good news is, we don't have far to travel to see them. My boy had purchased a fixer-upper on the very next street over in our same subdivision last year (How cool is that?), and with a tremendous amount of help from his now father-in-law, had completely remodeled this beautiful home that was waiting for them when they returned from their honeymoon in St. Lucia.

The oldest boy and his new bride married on the very unforgettable date of 12-13-14 (no excuses to forget an anniversary son) and have recently returned from their honeymoon to Disney World (their favorite place in the world). They live and work in Grand Rapids, a little further than the next block over, but still just 2 hours away. We don't see them as much, but mom and dad love having all 3 boys (and girls now) home at the same time, as we did on Christmas.

My "baby boy" turned 20 this year, and DID NOT get married to complete the trifecta. However, he did go to Wyoming to train as a mountain climber, then climbed giant wind turbines to perform maintenance, only to return home and enroll to study (and ultimately receive) certification as a welder.

While he didn't really leave to climb mountains or windmills (though he spoke of doing these things) he really is pursuing the welding trade. He came up with this on his own, and this time I think he really means to follow through. It's a darn good trade, and the side benefit is that the wife and I can keep him close for at least a little while longer (so no empty nest yet!)

Speaking of which, meet Zeke, a white Sheperd and newest addition to our family!

See ya next year! Happy New Year! (Maybe by next year there will be grandbabies involved? :)

Obama's 2014 Facebook Year in Review

It's been a great year! Thanks for being part of it.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Headline you'll never see: Church Wedding canceled for Obama visit

Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...

Today's top story: Soldiers forced to relocate from their Christian church wedding so Obama could pray.

Wedding nuptials had just gotten started when an Army couple, their wedding party, family and friends were told to "move it outside" because President Obama required the entire holy sanctuary to do some soul searching and hard praying to a higher power (no, not to "Putin").  

"So you folks think you're getting married inside this church today?", Obama was overheard asking. "VETO!," he shouted, scaring the little flower girl and causing her to burst into tears.

"There are going to be some areas where people disagree with me," obama understated later. "But I haven't used the veto pen very often since I've been in office, but this was one of those times where I've got to pull that pen out. If you don't believe me, try getting an ice cream or a cone of shaved ice at the stand down the street later."

The new bride was upset, but otherwise understanding. "Who are we to get in the way of our selfless president when he wants to humble himself in prayer petitioning for this country and asking forgiveness for the absolute mess he's made of everything?"

The new groom wasn't as accommodating. "Who plays through a church wedding? It's not like we were crazy enough to plan on getting wed on the 16th tee box at Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course on Oahu, Hawaii near Obama's vacation retreat during Christmas week," he argued. "That'd be like climbing a tree in a lightning storm."

...and that's when I woke up slumped at my desk in the spacious Chattering Teeth Studios, my cheek in a cooling pile of my own drool.
Obama in church? Of course I had been dreaming. I looked up at my computer screen and read the actual article headline:

Soldiers Relocate Wedding to Accommodate Obama's Golf Game

The couple reportedly ended up moving to a lush site overlooking the 16th hole, which one of the wedding planners said was more secluded and prettier anyway.

Well, perfect! What an excellent venue for a couple to exchange vows promising everlasting love and a lifetime commitment, all the while ducking errant golf balls and brief interruptions while passers-by urinate in the fairway lined shrubbery.

At least the president called the bride to apologize, and joked with the groom saying, "Don't do anything later that I wouldn't do!" "What, like snort a few lines of 'coke' and frequent a gay bathhouse?," answered the groom.

OK, I might have made that last part up. It's the 'journalist' in me when I do that.

Still reeling from the  “hilariously bad” optics this has caused the president, he ordered thousands of tourists evacuated from Waikiki Beach and cordoned off with yellow police tape. When asked why?, he simply stated that Michelle had planned to put on a bikini and head down to the beach later.

"Talk about bad optics," obama stated. "Trust me! Nobody needs to see THAT!"

Saturday, December 27, 2014

President George H.W. Bush in "Twas the Night AFTER Christmas"

Former U.S. President George H.W. Bush, 90, spent a  fourth straight night in a Houston hospital for observation, after complaining of a shortness of breath this past Tuesday.

The first thought that occurred to me after reading this was how sad it must be to have to spend Christmas in the hospital. H.W. Bush "41" was never my favorite president (that would be his predecessor), but unlike the current occupier in the Oval Office, 41 is a war hero and a man of honor and integrity. I have little doubt that, even at 90 years of age and wheelchair bound, he would easily whoop obama.

The next thought that occurred to me, knowing 41's obsession with parachuting at his advanced age, can best be expressed with the following poem titled, "Twas the Night After Christmas." It is a purely 100% original poem, and any similarity to a famous Christmas classic is strictly coincidental.

TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS (at Houston Methodist Hospital)

Twas the night after Christmas, when all through Houston Methodist
Not a doctor was stirring, not even a specialist.
The I.V.s were strung by the patients with care,
In hopes the saline bag soon would drip there.

The children in pediatrics were nestled in pneumatic beds,
While visions of going home danced in our heads.
With my head in a bandage, my arm in a cast,
I just settled in for a drug-induced nap.

When out in the ward there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the door I flew like a flash,
Tripped in my slippers and re-opened my gash.

The LED lighting on the newly-waxed tiles,
Reflected and worsened my migraine so vile.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh... no wait, it's a wheelchair.

With a little old rider, so mirthful and fun,
I knew right away it must be Bush 41.
More rapid than eagles his pursuers did chase,
As he wheeled his chair and by name he debased!

"Now Barbara! now, Jeb! now, Georgie and Laura!
Now Cheney! and, Baker!, Sununu and Quayle!
Into the elevator to the hospital roof! to the edge of the railing and over the wall with a poof!
Now BASE jump! BASE jump! BASE jump away all!"

I watched him sail past my window in a backless gowned wingsuit,
His presidential bum wrinkled like dried fruit.
As he sailed past my floor, he passed gas like a balloon that's been punctured,
I knew it wouldn't be prudent to open my window at this juncture.

I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he flew out of sight,
"Read my puckered lips you jack@$$ obama, let's see you do this!"

Thursday, December 25, 2014



Saturday, December 20, 2014

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

McConnell Promises to Boldly Acquiesce to Obama's Pen and Phone

CT NEWS: I am sitting down with the presumed new Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, the morning after the big midterm elections. Congratulations sir, and thank you for doing this. So tell my reader(s?), what's first on the agenda?

MITCH: The American people have spoken and the message is loud and clear. They want bold, new Republican threats of compromise, before they completely cede all authority to Obama's phone and pen.

CT NEWS: What about ObamaCare? You stated last week that it would take 60 votes in the Senate to repeal, yet you had previously suggested the budget reconciliation process could be used to repeal ObamaCare with just 51 votes. Which is it sir?

MITCH: Now I'm thinking a full unanimous vote should be required so as not to offend anyone.

CT NEWS: I'm beginning to believe there won't be much difference from the Harry Reid days. What about the massive debt and out-of-control spending?

MITCH: I will propose we slow the rate of growth of the $Trillion dollar deficit by several hundred dollars over the next ten years. Unless the media thinks that's too draconian. What I can promise we won't do is shut down the government. Or threaten impeachment for continued lawlessness. Let me check the opinion polls and I'll get back to you.

CT NEWS: You have surrendered the power of the purse and impeachment as means to stop Obama. So I have to ask, what will the Republicans do to stop the president's plans to declare amnesty for millions of illegals?

MITCH: That's where I draw a line in the sand. I guess I would be forced to give him what could be construed as a dirty look and ask him not to do that again.

CT NEWS: That's all the time we have. I know I'm now fired up! Go sock it to 'em sir!

Monday, November 3, 2014

Diary of an undecided voter (I hope this helps. Or not)

Dear Diary,

We are on the eve of the midterms (so I am told) and if there is one thing I know with absolute certainty, it's that I believe I am still an undecided voter, but please don't pin me down on that.

Oh, don't get me wrong! What with all the major national issues at stake, I am absolutely, positively voting tomorrow... I think. Seriously, how else am I supposed to score one of those cool "I VOTED" stickers I plan on smugly displaying around the water cooler.

While I may (or may not) be completely certain which candidate has earned my vote yet, rest assured that I will be completely at ease with my ultimate selection, depending upon my mood (and blood alcohol and THC levels) when it's my turn in the booth.

Oh sure, we are at a spork in the road in the struggle for our continued survival and national identity, so I may (or may not) revert to the tried and true method of multiple choice test taking that has never let me down. Namely, "when in doubt, Charlie out." 

With the president's agenda on the ballot the future of our republic and control of the Senate literally up for grabs, please tell me that you really didn't think I would revert to simply "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe-ing" did ya?

It's true that I am somewhat wishy washy at this exact moment regarding my ballot choices, but that's because I am potentially so much more informed than any previous generation before me (unless they insist otherwise?).

Think about it... Its a fractious media today, and people no longer have to sit in front of their black and white TVs at precisely 6PM or 11PM and choose from as many as three stations (depending upon the creative use of aluminum foil on the rabbit ears) to be fed the nightly news from the mouth of a nicely dressed anchorman with perfect hair, if not diction.

Now, I can get my info passively, or pulled and pushed to any one of my several dozen mobile devices, from an untold number of news sites, blogs, twitter feeds, and of course, my personal favorite mobile devices: my fleet of talking Barbies, etc., at any time of the day or night.

What I can say without equivocation or incertitude, is that Dancing with the Stars celebrity pair, Janel Parrish and Val Chmerkovskiy, are most definitely dating! At least, that's what the celebrity gossip pages are saying, and I can't think of a good reason why they would lie to me.

So diary, while I seem to be noncommittal regarding my vote tomorrow, that doesn't mean that I am unsure about my core values and what I most dearly believe in. Let me be as unambiguous as I possibly can on this point. I will vote for the candidate that has the greatest odds of increasing my own popularity and making me feel good about myself, regardless of any disastrous national implications.

And the environment. I think I like the environment. And these condoms, and that's all I need.

It is all so confusing. Once I think I have my decision, I get another one of those automated phone calls, or I catch a commercial on TV that tells me all sorts of mean and nasty stuff about one of the candidates, and I am forced to change my mind again.

SO TIME TO STEP UP mister and misses candidates, and vie for the full support of us undecideds. 

I know my vote will be well thought out and disseminated in my brain. Basically, I will throw my full support behind the candidate who's superficial and pandering robo call I receive last... or not.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Mystery Product Photo Quiz

What is this?
A) Google Glass bifocals

B) LGBT-Friendly hand and anklecuffs

C) Swiss Army Keychain

D) Freerider Skatecycle

The good news is, I can get one of these bad boys for only $99.99 on Woot!

The bad news is, I have no desire to break a hip, which I am convinced is guaranteed for anyone over trying this over 25 years of age.

Friday, October 31, 2014


LUCY: I hope we do better here than we did at that freaking sad parade. (Michelle Obama Found a Way to RUIN HALLOWEEN For Children)
CHARLIE: I'm just glad it was so easy to jump the fence here.

OBAMA: Whew! Just some kids. I was worried it might be that chickensh*t Bibi. Michelle, put down that tub of ice cream and get the Halloween treats!
...and now for an oldie but a goodie (if I do say so myself)


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Ebola nurse found obstructing traffic on NJ bridge

New Jersey nurse who was confined over Ebola worries, boyfriend go into hiding
Nurse Kaci Hickox, armed with a doctor’s note saying she tested negative for the dreaded disease but still facing three weeks of quarantine, went underground Tuesday and took her boyfriend with her. She and nursing student Theodore Wilbur were in an undisclosed location and getting reacquainted after a month apart, officials said.

Where could they be?
Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...

Two of three access lanes to the George Washington Bridge are closed due to a mysterious pup tent, causing traffic chaos, especially in Fort Lee, at the mouth of the bridge in New Jersey.  Mayor Christie is said to be at fault.

CHRISTIE: So sue me. Whatever. Get in line.

Saturday, October 25, 2014


Hillary: ‘Don’t Let Anybody Tell You that it’s Corporations and Businesses that Create Jobs’

“You know that old theory..." Free market Capitalism... “That has been tried, that has failed. It has failed rather spectacularly.”

Friday, October 24, 2014

Second Amendment vaccine cures ISIS

This blog was able to obtain the rest of the story thorough investigative reporting, a half bottle of homemade pumpkin spiced rum and an inexpensive hooker.

Chattering Teeth News reports that a large shipment of newly manufactured axes meant for an outdoor hunting and camping supplies store was mistakenly delivered to the loading docks of a  radical islamonazi mosque.

President Obama cautions the public not to panic, and stated that this incident was not related to the weapons drop meant for the Kurds this week that was instead delivered directly into the hands of ISIS.    

OBAMA: Let me be clear. You can't catch ISIS unless an axe wielding izlamonazi jihadist comes in direct contact with your bodily fluids.

Meanwhile... Hatchet assault on New York police comes during fears of Islamist attacks
Target: Men in uniform - (This) attack is the third on people in uniform in North America in a week.

ISIS, the Islamic State in Syria and Iraq, has recently called to sympathizers in the West to carry out attacks against men and women in uniform.

Rioting residents in Ferguson, MO promise to respond to this call.

And now a word from our sponsors... Walmart announces huge sale of pressure cookers... just as soon as their overdue shipment arrives from Liberia.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Clinton Bimbola Eruption Photo Pop Quiz

What is this?

This picture features...(pick one)  Ebola eruption or Bimbo eruption?

A) Bill Clinton's visit to Flint, Michigan today.
The First Perv introduces a surprise guest, Monica Lewinski (Patient Splash Zone Zero) and her much improved stainless hazmat blue dress for a special dance for old time's sake.
(B) A nurse and a doctor demonstrate the Ebola decontamination procedure in a specialized quarantine unit at Charité Hospital in Berlin, Germany.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Crowd of corpses leave early during Obama's speech at Democratic cemetery rally

It all started when President Obama made a rare appearance on the campaign trail Sunday to support the Democratic candidate for governor in Maryland and the crowd couldn't find the exits fast enough, as a heckler shouted insults.

Things only got worse for the president and the democrat's midterm prospects when, later in the day, the corpses made an early exit from a local cemetery during a Democrat rally when Obama showed up. 

This is an ominous sign. While Democrats have a history of not turning out to vote in midterm elections, they have always counted the dead vote 100% in their corner. However, if the president's sagging approval numbers are even making these corpses skittish, the upcoming election could be a massacre.

Monday, October 20, 2014

New CDC Ebola guides "Buddy Up & Cover Up" Code named: Fluke Rules

New hospital guidelines for Ebola patients call for healthcare workers to cover up
The new guidelines are expected to set firmer standards: calling for full-body suits and hoods that protect worker's necks; setting rigorous rules for removal of equipment and disinfection of hands; and requiring a "site manager" to supervise the putting on and taking off of equipment.

New CDC Ebola guides, 
"The guidelines also are expected to require a "buddy system" in which workers check each other as they come in and go out..."

Why "Fluke Rules?"
CDC REP: Why re-invent the wheel? Fluke has these "firmer standards" down to a science by now. Not sure who she has used as a site manager czar, but we will be taking her recommendations soon.

In other news, the CDC has refused to set a Fluke travel ban.

A recent Chattering Teeth poll found that the majority of Americans support a travel ban to Sandra Fluke's old dorm room until such time as it can be sand blasted and smelted.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Obama’s Credit Card "from the Bank of China in the name of your children" Rejected

Obama’s Credit Card Rejected

OBAMA: My credit card was declined at a restaurant in New York City last month. It turned out I guess I don't use that one made out to "Barry Hussein Soetoro" on it enough. They thought there was some fraud going on. Fortunately, Michael... errr... I mean Mooshell had a credit card on hand and paid for the meal. I guess that biooootch uses her card plenty.

"I was trying to explain to the waitress, you know, I really think that I've been paying my bills," Mr Obama said. "Even I'm affected by this."

The waitress was overheard later complaining about the cheap-a$$ed president's lack of a tip, stating he said "You didn't build that burger," as he sashayed out the door with his posse.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Student's photo of Michelle O's skimpy bush meat lunch has some questioning president's Ebola policy

MICHELLE: Some people can't ever be pleased. "Skimpy"? That's a full smoked monkey head I'll have you know! People in Liberia would kill for that beauty. And a fruit bat Kabob with orange peel zest with a turnip? If it's so skimpy, why has school lunch waste increased to 86%?

"Did I say 'Turnip?' Turnip for what?"

DaBlade: I may have been born on the back of a turnip truck at night, but my momma didn't raise no vegetable. 

and now it's time for your favorite cooking show...
 The Food Network is expanding it's "Chopped" franchise and going global with the spinoff premiere of Chopped: West Africa.

Food critic and host extraordinaire Ted Allen is back, and so are the panel of his esteemed chef judges. The pilot episode was filmed in a quaint little village in Guinea, where 4 contestants are given their own fancy barrel grills. 

"chefs, open your baskets."
dried bushmeat
raw chimpanzee brain
fruit bats...

to your smokers!

Monday, October 13, 2014

Obama 200th Golf Round, Ebola 2nd Victim

Potato, potahto ..
 Obama played his 200th round of golf during his presidency yesterday. I don't know if he actually played in a full hazmat suit while driving in a climate-controlled golf cart. The picture (above) is just your blog host's rendition of this presidential milestone.

We are left to only speculate, because the White House had a last minute realization that having the press along for obama's golf round amid all the crisis would make for "bad optics", so a more sheeple-soothing photo op was arranged. Who said the president was disinterested?

Per Keith Koffler at the White House Dossier:

Perhaps realizing the incongruity of the president playing golf amid crises, the White House today initially loaded up the press pool to accompany Obama to his golf outing, and then had a better thought. The press was yanked out of the vans and dispatched to the windows of the Oval Office, where reporters instructed to witness the president speaking on the phone with HHS Secretary Sylvia Burwell about the new Ebola case in Texas.

And then it was on to golf.

 I think my favorite part of that story is, "The press was yanked out of the vans..."

oh, and Yahoo news apologists? He slept through the Benghazi attack. I don't think lack of rest is what drives this turd.

PICTURED: obama practices his putting stroke atop the bus while waiting for the man with the eye patch to finish driving.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Ebola, Obama, Tomato, tomahto

Texas health worker tests positive for Ebola. 1st U.S. transmission.

I thought Ebola is supposed to be hard to get? Isn't that what obama has been telling us he continues to leave our borders wide open and travel unrestricted?

In fact, I believe the obama administration said in order to get Ebola, you had to take a nude jacuzzi and steam bath, and indiscriminately swap bodily fluids... No, wait! That's his campaign fundraising strategy. I always confuse those two.

So if its so hard to get, how did this health worker become infected? I assume she was wearing the prescribed protective clothing, gloves and mask. As far as we know, she was only in proximity to ONE Ebola patient, so its not exactly a numbers game. Those who have been warning of potential catastrophic loss of life have been labeled 'fear mongers', and the obama apologists have been out in full force. It's no longer a question of "if" with these bozos in charge. It is now just a question of "how much longer do we have".

That's the memo, and now for the news:

CDC: 'Avoid Public Transportation'

The President of the World, Barack Hussein Obama, recently assured West African countries that “You cannot get it through casual contact like sitting next to someone one a bus."  Of course, this message was delivered via a video message thousands of miles away

In an empty bus smelling of strong bleach and other disinfectants, and located in a hermetically sealed bunker in an underground and guarded secret facility, Obama assures the nation that, "You can't catch that Ebola sh*t on a bus... See?"

Proof that Obama is taking the Ebola outbreak crisis seriously, he has been spotted golfing from a sheathed golf cart.

The latest Gallup poll reflects Obama's approval numbers have sunk to a new low of 39%. Meanwhile, the deadly virus Ebola enjoys a slightly better approval rating, with 57% respondents picking 'Ebola' over 'Obama' to the question: With whom would you rather have dinner?

Officials soothe progressive fears by promising that the new airport Ebola screening process will not engage in viral profiling. "We will absolutely NOT target those individuals flying in from West African countries who are exhibiting signs of hemorrhagic fever, have festering boils and oozing pustules or otherwise bleeding from their eyes, ears, nose and rectum," promised WH Sect boy, Josh Earnest.  "Besides, we have these really cool non-contact thermometer iPhone apps that are accurate within 20 or 30 degrees!"

You say Obama and I say Ebola
You like tomato and I like tomahto
Obama, Ebola, Tomato, tomahto.
Let's call the whole thing off

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Did Gweneth Paltrow call obama "breathtaking"?

Goop Gone Mad! Gwyneth Paltrow ‘Extremely Unpleasant’ While Prepping For President’s Arrival At Her Los Angeles Home, ‘Drinking & Smoking’ All Day, Says Staff Member

“At around 10am, she started drinking wine and she was smoking cigarettes all day.”
Well NOW it's all beginning to make more sense...
Later, vomits in the shrubbery while promising her pool boy all the power he needs.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Crusades... It's Time

(The mini-series airs 10 p.m. ET from Wednesday, Oct. 8 through Saturday, Oct. 11.)

When EWTN decided to produce a new docu-drama on the Crusades two years ago, most Americans had never heard of ISIS; no journalists had been beheaded in Iraq; and no Christian women and girls had been abducted or enslaved. Yet the Lord, with His perfect timing, knew that a mini-series on “The Crusades” needed to be ready to air in October – and so it is.

You’ve heard the tales, now learn the truth concerning the church’s role in the Crusades and its efforts to restore the Holy Land to a place of safety for Catholic pilgrims. This powerful four-part series, shot on location in seven countries, gives viewers a well-rounded understanding of an important historical event, which has repercussions in our own time.

Clearly, the Harvard students have, as Students at Harvard University claimed America is a bigger threat to world peace than the radical terrorist organization ISIS.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Big Wedding Day Has Arrived!

Big day around the Chattering Teeth Studios, as our middle son (of 3) is getting married this afternoon. It is the first wedding of two this year, as our oldest is engaged to be married in December.

We had the rehearsal dinner last night, and as tradition dictates, The father of the groom gave a speech and a toast. I am not going to recreate my remarks here, but trust me, I had a couple real good laugh lines as well as some tears, and that was not just from the folks I saw looking at their wrist watches and wondering when I was gonna "wrap it up".

I will tell you about the story when my boy proposed to his soon-to-be bride, and how honored and moved his mother and I were that he allowed us to witness this special moment in their lives. I told our guests about how my wife and I knew of Joe's plans to propose, he just didn't share the timing with us.

You see, our boy had told us of his secret plans to propose on a hot air balloon ride. I know... How cool, right? Well, as fate would have it, the first scheduled date was canceled by the pilot due to weather conditions. Apparently, they won't take those things up in less than ideal conditions, let alone a big and brewing storm. He rescheduled for the next opening he could make happen a week later, and guess what? Canceled again. He gave it a third try (and maybe a fourth, I don't remember) but the hot air balloon ride was canceled on him every try.

Keep in mind that maybe a month or so had gone by AFTER Joe had decided to propose, a veritable LIFETIME when a man has made the determination to propose to his one true love. I just assume that he was tired of being held captive by fickle winds and spontaneously went to his knee that day. In any case, I remember the scene became a little blurry after that, as my very manly eyes started inexplicably secreting an unknown watery substance that ran down my cheeks.

The love birds did get their balloon ride about 6 or 8 weeks ago. They loved it!

There is a lesson in that story. Life doesn't always go according to your plans. Sometimes a rain storm can ruin your picnic. Sometimes, the tempest is so severe it can tear you at your foundations and drop you to your knees.

The thing I am most proud of with this young couple is the evidence of their deep and abiding faith. That can't be easy in today's culture, where up is down and where belief in God is ridiculed.

The good news is, if you put Him first in all things, He will be your ballast in those unexpected storms of life. He will keep you anchored firmly to the ground until the storms pass, and the clouds part and the sun comes out.

It may be in His time, but keep God first and you will always get your balloon ride.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Did NFL Officials miss "The Second Muslim Pray-er" in the grassy knoll of the endzone?

Flag on Praying Muslim Player Was an Error, the N.F.L. Says

The N.F.L. said Tuesday that Kansas City Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah was mistakenly penalized by a game official when he knelt to pray after scoring a touchdown Monday night.

YOU'RE NOT KIDDING THEY ERRED! Slow motion instant replay reveals the officials originally missed another infraction for offsetting penalties. See if you can spot it!

That's right! There was another shadowy Muslim player prayer in the grassy knoll of the endzone. Hey, isn't that Alton Nolen, the 30-year-old Islamic convert who beheaded a 54-year-old grandmother in an Oklahoma food plant where he was fired?

The PC NFL is under fire for the penalty call. When NFL commissioner Roger Goodell found out about this, and was reminded how muslims treat their woman, he immediately has called for Inflatable Mosques (& Bouncey Houses of worship) to be placed in all stadiums to give muslim players a quiet place to reflect and/or behead after scoring a touchdown.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Ebola Virus to Give Commencement Speech (Cop Killer was already booked)

First, there was the “despicable” decision by Goddard College in Plainfield, Vermont in choosing convicted cop killer Mumia Abu-Jama to give the commencement address.

The victim's widow is not very happy about this, stating "It’s not appropriate. His freedom was taken away when he murdered a police officer in the line of duty. It seems like our justice system allows murderers to continue to have a voice over the public airwaves and at college commencement. It’s despicable.”

Obviously, "the victim's widow" is upset, so we will give her a pass on all of those insensitive racist remarks of hers. Nothing that a few visits from the Black Panther Party couldn't cure.

Cue wavy line thingys to signal another Chattering Teeth Blog Dream Sequence...

Bowing to public pressure, Godless College in PlainTown, USA canceled the original plans to use cop killer Mumia Abu-Jama to give the commencement address, and instead have gone with the Ebola Virus as a less controversial choice.

Godless Univerity SpokesIdiot:

"Choosing the Ebola Virus as their commencement speaker, to me, shows how this newest group of Godless graduates expresses their freedom to engage and think radically and critically in a world that often sets up barriers to do just that."

"Hey, we originally wanted that Oklahoma Muslim be-header fella but figured some other university has probably already snatched him up, either as a commencement speaker or offered him a professorship."

The event will mark the first time the Ebola Virus will give a college commencement speech. However, thanks to obama's open borders, and now that he is here in the US for good, The Ebola Virus promises to start making his rounds immediately.

The commencement address drew a few fringe protesters in hazmat suits. They were immediately jailed for making judgemental and "viralist" remarks.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Did White House Fence Jumper Leave the Toilet Seat up for Michelle?

White House fence-jumper made it far deeper into building than previously known
The Secret Service is under scrutiny after a man scaled the White House fence and made it all the way into the East Room...

and into the kitchen, where he managed to whip up a Double-Baked Three-Cheese Soufflé before being tackled, roughed, coughed and duck-walked outside by alert and competent secret service agents.

Winning entry of fence jumper...

Monday, September 29, 2014

Diehard Wolverine Fans call for Coach Brady Hoke's Head

Just some harmless fun with free online newspaper headline generators...

Brady Hoke's Severed Head Leads Michigan to Rose Bowl!
Ann Arbor — Back on September 27, things looked bleak for Brady Hoke and his University of Michigan Wolverines. They had just suffered a 16-point humiliation at home by the Minnesota Gophers and dropping the Wolverines to 2-3 overall.

"There were only a few thousand fans left in the Big House by the fourth quarter that day," garbled Hoke's severed head, "but they sure were loud." The crowd was calling for the head coach's "head" with the "Fire Brady" chant. Apparently, someone took them literally, as Brady's head rolled onto the practice field that next week.

That's when the team turned things around. "We followed Head Coach Brady's head and went on a roll ourselves," said quarterback Devin Gardner. "Coach was finally motivating us to roll with it!"

"We don't not care about your American infidel fooootball," said one jihadist. "But we were like, 'hey! A severed head!'"

Cue wavy line thingys for a look into the future and possible newspaper headline from 2015 season opener...

UM Falls To Appalachian State 62 - 0, as the Wolverine's, led by Brady Hoke's severed head get "OUT THUNK" by the Mountaineers and their new "head coach", Brady Hoke's headless torso.

Friday, September 26, 2014

"Cowardly" White House Fence Jumper runs "fast and furiously" away

There has been another White House Fence Jumper, but this latest episode might be the most bizarre. Up until now, previous jumpers have entered the grounds and made their way towards the White House. This time the situation was reversed, as the jumper was spotted already on the grounds before hopping the fence to escape down Pennsylvania Avenue.

BULLETIN: Be on the lookout for an unknown male suspect being sought for allegedly jumping the WH fence and running "fast and furiously" down Pennsylvania Avenue wearing a dark sweat suit with hoodie, with a weak chin and smelling of marijuana.

Don't be confused if you haven't heard about this story anywhere else, as this is the fruit of another of my under cover Chattering Teeth blog reporting assignments. As readers know, I am able to get these scoops because of my uncanny ability to go deep cover and become one with my environment. Hey, when in Rome, I wear a toga. But if I want to blend in as an every day D.C. tourist and interview agents at the White House Northwest gate without arousing suspicion, I go nude and smelling of urine. I had no pockets for my notepad and pen, so I recorded the facts on my arms and chest with my own dried blood and excrement.

Secret Service agents have taken much criticism for the recent rash of mentally disturbed and/or dangerous individuals hopping the White House fence and running across the lawn towards the White House, but they can hardly be blamed for this latest incident of someone escaping from the grounds. "Hey, we were looking the other way!," said an anonymous agent.

In conclusion, there is now one less mentally disturbed and/or dangerous individual in the White House and that is a good start.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

In Defense of Obama's "Weak and Bitter" Coffee Salute

PICTURED: Sensitive to the criticism, President Obama now stops and gives a proper salute to every Starbucks and coffee shop he passes.

By now most of us are familiar with this:


And really, aside from his execution of foreign policy and military strategy, wasn't THIS a bigger insult to our men in uniform?

Obama drops new Marine girly hat mandate - but still insists all male warriors must wear rouge.

They also didn't care for the new Obama-mandated Marine Hyme (replacing the Halls Of Montezuma)

From the Malls to Saks Fifth Avenue
To the Stores of Gucci;
We will fight our country's battles
But first let's go boutique;
Exfoliate and foundation;
Wen to keep us tangle-free;
Mascara, blush and manicured cuticles;
We're United States Marines

uhhh... YaHooo.. ey Rah!?