Thursday, April 30, 2020

Monkey Post #2,061

You can't stumble to this blog without seeing a monkey post on occasion. That's because whenever you read or hear about a news story involving monkey farts, I want you to immediately think of this blog. [tear rolling down my cheek like that old commercial of the Indian canoeing in pollution]

Today's offering (from Live Science):
Robot 'spy' gorilla records wild gorillas singing and farting, because nature is beautiful
Pictured - A mountain gorilla family in Uganda peers into the "spy" camera.

You'll have to read the story to see whether the robot spy monkey really resembles Nan Pelosi (and the chorus of flatulating gorillas sounds exactly like Congress back in session).

I watched the video... I don't think that's 'singing', but hey - everyone's a critic.

Now to establish my creds as a dedicated part-time independent self-proclaimed primate specialist and self-described world renowned leader in monkey posts - a walk down memory lane...

We covered Naruto the monkey selfies and copyright laws

we covered Thailand’s “Uncle Fat” Macaque
...the morbidly obese wild monkey who gorged himself on junk food and soda left behind by tourists.

we covered that controversial gorilla zoo shooting of HaRambo(?)... Maha Rumba?.. Bubbarambe? whatever - where we asked the philosophical question: If Hillary Clinton fell into a gorilla enclosure, would the silverback gorilla smoke a cigar and go golfing?

and this for some reason...
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and heir apparent successor, the Ikea coat-wearing monkey.

we also covered the untimely death of the beloved  Pedals the walking Bear (not a primate, but was bullied by one)

..and many, many more (not counting the literally thousands and figuratively millions of sasquatch and bigfoot updates).

So keep your browser steered here for your primate news needs.

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Garden Centers May Now Open With Mandatory Flypaper Strips

Chattering Teeth News - Gov. Gretchen Whitmer has extended Michigan's stay-home order to May 15, but her Highness, the QuaranQueenie has ruled to loosen some of the earlier arbitrary restrictions on business and travel. We have the major updates and changes to your pseudo-freedoms here.

During the press conference yesterday, Whitmer stated that she would be "using science" in determining how and when to restart Michigan's economy.

That's awesome news for the home gardener or individuals who desire to use there quarantine time productively by painting a room or laying new carpet. Whitmer's science is loosening restrictions to big-box stores by no longer closing off certain garden centers and non-essential home improvement areas, as long as the shopper can successfully negotiate the newly strung human-sized flypaper strips in these areas.

"I have initiated the Defense Production Act in order to compel General Motors to convert all of their machinery and robotics to begin manufacturing these flypaper strips," Whitmer sneered to this reporter, "because, science."

These human flypaper traps are to be made from stocks of unneeded newsprint rolls and coated with extremely sticky, yet sweetly fragranced substance that will lure and entrap the unwary patron and to arbitrarily weed out every third shopper. "Enforced social distancing," stated Whitmer.

And since this liberal democrat gets to define her science, The Home Depot will begin the following dedicated schedule, based on where an individual self-identifies in the LGBTTQQIAAP gender spectrum. ALERT! There will be a gender check at the door.

Those 'at-risk' individuals may shop at these times:
Monday - Sunday 6am-9pm:  All lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, ally, pansexuals may shop at these times.

Straight heterosexuals and Republicans will have curbside after-hours pickup only (unless they are willing to queue in the outside parking lot line patrolled by scorpions, snakes, gators, poisonous spiders, rabid wolves, random mines, etc.) 

"I would anticipate in the coming days if our trajectory of climate change continues to go down and our economy is irreparably destroyed, that we will go into the next low-risk category," Whitmer told this reporter.

Sunday, April 26, 2020

Camp Corona

I woke up this morning with that old Allan Sherman "Camp Granada" song in my head.
[linked here if you have no clue what that is]

I rewrote the lyrics. Please feel free to add a stanza based on your quarantine life.

Hello Muddah, hello Faddah
Here I am at Camp Corona
Camp is very entertaining
And they say we'll have some fun when we stop quarantining

Got up early drank some coffee
A big breakfast, what time might lunch be?
Made a sandwich, winner winner
Netflix, Hulu, Prime or Disney, what time's dinner?

Played Monopoly with my sister
printing money like the Fed here
went to jail couldn't throw doubles
spent three turns there, got the virus - bring a shovel

Now it's time for the White House task force
Dr. Fauci sure does sound hoarse
This 4-foot munchkin restricts my travel
with a voice that sounds like he's been vaping gravel

Questions from fake news reporters
Full of lies and should be called distorters
Trump's a cat with a yarn ball while they're misleading
I wonder if Acosta will get a tourniquet to stop that bleeding

I went shopping for more groceries
In the 'fridge are only berries
bed sheet face mask wrap my head with excess like a turban
I'll be damned if I get stuck here out of bourbon

Wait a minute, they've got whiskey
Rows of Maker's, Knob Creek, Jim Beam and Wild Turkey
Sipping Woodford, gee that's bettah
Muddah, Faddah kindly disregard this letter

Saturday, April 25, 2020

Walmart Installs Spike Strips to Enforce One-Way Aisle Policy

h/t to Mustang, who inspired today's offering by his comment over at Kid's place:

"I was in Wal-Mart the other day and found myself going the wrong way in a one-way aisle. A stock clerk chastised me severely but let me off with a warning on account of the fact that I’m a Wal-Mart shopper, old, and living in Florida. I’ll not make that mistake again, unless I come across another “one way only” sign that’s no more than an inch high, taped to the floor, which was heavily smudged with grime."

Brother, you would not get off with a warning by our Governor QuaranQueen.

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

Florida man disappears into the earth, along with his entire bedroom from a gigantic sinkhole after his online posts calling the coronavirus protests 'Bulls---' and 'Political Ploy'

Chattering Teeth Fake News - A Florida man is sucked into a huge sinkhole that formed under his bedroom where he sequestered himself for the past two months while posting to his social media accounts trying to shame patriots who protested against the lockdown claiming the protests were "Bulls---" and a "Political Ploy," according to reports.

Hugh G. Dildeaux 30, lived in his mother's home in Florida, wore feety pajamas all day during the quarantine and is said to have dozens of Instagram followers and Facebook friends.

He had made several posts about those protesting the lockdowns during the coronavirus outbreak on Facebook last month before eventually being swallowed by the Earth on Earth Day, 2020. Cause of death will be listed as from the coronavirus, even though his pre-existing condition as that of a socialist would have killed him.

“Does Anybody Have the Guts to Say These COVID-19 Protests Are a Political Ploy? Asking for a Friend. Prove Me Wrong,” he wrote on his InstaPage account.

"We have to shelter-in-place and 'Crush that curve' in order to be safe. Why should I care if they lost their business they spent their entire lives building, or why should I feel sorry for those who lost their jobs and can't feed their families?"

"Mom! Bring me another sandwich and some hot cocoa!"

Disclaimer: This story has nothing to do with this actual hit job 'news' story
[Ohio man dies from coronavirus after online posts calling it 'Bulls---' and 'Political Ploy']
that leftists have been 'joyfully' and erroneously using as a self-righteous example of why these draconian shelter-in-place orders are necessary, and where they exhibit apparent glee at the death of this man and the suffering of his family in order to try and make a political point - which also fails any logic test - but these are leftists, so...

IN OTHER NEWS:  Today is Earth Day. 1970 was the first Earth Day, so this is the 50th anniversary of the first time we only had 20 years to live.
[Click here for DaBlade's Fun Earth Day facts!]

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

COVID 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Quarantine Sol two thousand and something. Executive order still bars entry to Garden Center and can't buy seeds. I am fertilizing my habitat with my own feces. Still no toilet paper. Have sliced up & planted a potato I found in my pantry that was lost and growing.

COVID 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Nosey Neighbor #1: Yes I want to report my neighbor across the street. I think he's... *whispers* growing a garden!
Dispatch: Is it weed, ma'am?
Nosey Neighbor #1: No, I think it's... *whispers* vegetables.
Dispatch: We'll send a unit now!

COVID 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Nosey Neighbor #2: Yes, I live in a duplex over here on Fuehrer Drive, and I hear noises coming from my neighbor's attic. It sounds like furniture being moved occasionally. I suspect they're having a party!
Dispatch: So much for social distancing. Who are the neighbors?
Nosey Neighbor #2: Mr and Mrs. Frank, and their little girl, Anne.
Dispatch: We'll send a unit now!

COVID 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
Nosey Neighbor #3: I am a nurse and one of the thousands of US medical workers who were furloughed due to the precipitous decline of routine patient visits during the coronavirus pandemic. I did NOT get into the healthcare field so that I would be exposed to sick people! I got into nursing so that I would have time during the work day to choreograph dance videos and post on my tiktok account.
Dispatch: What seems to be the problem.
Nosey Neighbor #3: He's in a fishing boat by himself, but I think it has one of them... *whispers* motor thingys!
Dispatch: We'll send a unit now!

Sunday, April 19, 2020

Captain's Log: Quarantine Day 6,000 and something?

Joe Biden to make this statement later today!!

Also in the news today:
(From her beach mansion overlooking the ocean) House Speaker Nancy 'Shar Pei' Pelosi gave President Trump an ‘F’ for what she called “weak” leadership during the coronavirus pandemic...

at least that's what I think she said. I had to run her slurry through this drunk post translator and reversed engineered her saying...

"hhe bplaces blaem b- bglame on othezrs,the president gets an f, a failupre on qthe testing. x"


Saturday, April 18, 2020

De Oppresso Liber

De Oppresso Liber is Latin for to free from oppression and is the motto of Special Forces. I think we should adopt it for our current oppression. It sounds way better than "Olly Olly Oxen Free!!!"

Last week, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer ordered all big box stores to cordon off their garden centers and plant nurseries, blocking customers from shopping in those sections - “If you're not buying food or medicine or other essential items, you should not be going to the store,” Whitmer said when announcing her order.

 More recently, she called access to abortion during the coronavirus pandemic "life-sustaining."

 To recap:

Executive Order 2020-21 (COVID-19)

"Temporary requirement to suspend activities that are not necessary to sustain or protect life."

UPDATE: Michigan Gov. Whitmer says she hopes to relax lockdown by May 1 after and four sheriffs said they won't enforce her rules because they 'overstep' and protests to protect America's 'civil liberties' erupt

*Michigan's Gov. Gretchen Whitmer said on Good Morning America that she hoped to reopen by May 1 
*It came after protests in Lansing over people's inability to earn a living and after backlash from police
*Four sheriffs said they would not strictly enforce her lockdown rules and that they were 'vague' 
*It comes as South Dakota Gov. Krisit Noem vowed to keep her state open despite the public health risk
*She said people were being forced to 'give up their liberties for a little bit of security' despite there being exponential growth in cases in South Dakota
*Many say they are willing to risk catching the virus because they cannot go on any longer without work

*It comes amid ongoing difficulty in claiming unemployment and stimulus checks to offset a recession

Thursday, April 16, 2020

You Don't Really Want To Catch Me - now playing

Is it just me, or is President Trump starting these White House #coronavirus briefings later and later? The reason I ask is that my alcohol use as the night progresses past 5pm (after working from home all day in a very uncomfortable chair) may be affecting my cognition (or consciousness...)

Take yesterday's briefing for example. I read this morning that Trump played a video of GM producing ventilators (and MSNBC cut away because they 'hadn't screened in advance' - true story) - but that is not how I remember it going... but I might have nodded off... who's to say?

~~Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Dream Sequence~~

President Trump plays Tom Hanks new movie, You Don't Really Want To Catch Me. This is a sequel to Catch Me If You Can from 2002 starring Hanks and Leonardo Dicaprio. The original movie was based on a true story with Dicaprio playing con man Frank Abagnale. (spoiler alert) Yes, this is the movie Hanks was filming when he caught the virus)

Well, Hanks is back as agent Carl Hanratty, but Dicaprio is replaced by COVID-19, an unpopular germ but still polls better than Dicaprio.

PLOT: Strangely, this sequel follows the plot of the original to a 'T', except the seasoned FBI agent (played by Hanks) channels President Trump.

The virus is played by a novel newcomer which was loosed from a Chinese lab in Wuhan, and manages to forge $Trillions of dollars' worth of stimulus checks while posing as a Pan Am pilot, a doctor, and a legal prosecutor.

Leonardo Dicaprio makes a brief cameo towards the end of the film and consulted for help. Let's listen in...

Carl Hanratty: This is a very brilliant enemy. You know, it’s a brilliant enemy. We’re fighting – not only is it hidden, but it’s very smart. Okay? a “genius”. And you see that...

Frank Abagnale, Jr.: The coronavirus?

Carl Hanratty:  No. I'm talking about China. But we're smarter. We'll beat the virus. We'll defeat the leftist in the media (and the ones loose in the wild). And we'll beat China.


Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Why Did Joe Biden Write A $500 Check To Roger Daltrey?

NEXT, on Pimp My Ride - Streets of Wuhan

Chinese General Secretary Xi Jinping and WHO’s Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus run in to grab some bat won ton soup take-out, leaving United Nations Secretary-General Antonio Guterres tuning the radio while waiting in the car because he can't find his pants.

He tells this reporter that, "not the time" for Trump to defund WHO.

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Today's Press Briefing Soap Opera Teaser for "DAYS OF OUR QUARANTINED LIVES"


RECAP: In yesterday's show, President Trump started the White House coronavirus press briefing off by playing video clips  of the press and mainstream media reporters embarrassing themselves again and again with their initial downplaying of the outbreak from just a few weeks ago. Since this directly contradicts their current lying narratives, CNN and the rest of the Fake News media cut away from the coverage.

TODAY: While their networks can keep the truth from their drooling audience, the President decides to use his ultimate authority with the reporters in the room by having the exits temporarily chained, the wise guys and gals in the press corp bound to their chairs and gagged and forced to watch Clips Of The Apprentice - Season 2 

TRUMP: "We could give you hundreds of clips just like that. We have them," Trump told reporters after the video finished. "It's very sad when people write false stories."

Monday, April 13, 2020

Like sands thru the hourglass, so are The Days of of Quarantined Lives

In last week's coronavirus task force soap opera show, a black reporter accused Surgeon General Jerome Adams, who is also black, of being racist: “You’ve said that African-Americans and Latinos should avoid alcohol, drugs, and tobacco." But then you shocked woke white liberals by using terms they deem racist...

Surgeon General Jerome Adams: I said, “do this, if not for yourself, then for your abuela. Do it for your granddaddy, do it for your Big Mama, do it for your pop-pop.” 

Previews of this week's episodes! (Spoiler Alert)

Surgeon General Jerome Adams Doubles Down!

Do it for your Mee Maw, and do it for your Paw Paw.
Don't forget your Meemod. Here comes your Peapod.

and then he REALLY starts to riff!

Here comes your Oompa, followed by your Loompa...
What about your Tauntaun? and your one-armed  Wampa?
Do it for Yoda and do it for Chewbacca...

and then for some reason he broke into a version of Land of 1000 Dances, J Geils style! 

Down in the alley
With Long Tall Sally
Do the mash potato
Do the Alligator
Put you hands on your hips
Let your backbone slip
Do the Detroit Breakdown, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Motor City Shakedown

Na na-na-na-na na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na na-na-na-na!!!

[and the corp of reporters leap from their seats to dance in the aisle, all singing and stating they intend to stop with the fake news, and those watching from home burst from their shuttered homes to go to the liquor store... Nancy Pelosi and Ruth Bader Ginsberg spontaneously combust once and for all and there is finally peace on Earth, goodwill towards men.]


Sunday, April 12, 2020

The Good Saturday Disney Princess Parade

Charlotte had to cancel her 3rd Birthday party due to the Stay-at-home order from the coronavirus outbreak. As an alternative, she starred as Cinderella in a Good Saturday Princess Parade and the neighbors came out in droves to support. Her baby sister, Lydia, co-stars as Belle. After being cooped up in the house for almost a month, I think I speak for all involved - We all sure needed this!

I've watched this numerous times... not sure why it makes my eyes water each time. Maybe the lighting after being inside for so long?

My Daughter-in-law is such a special person and such a great mom. I love her so much, especially for doing this. She said she was even surprised at the neighborhood turnout. She stated all she did was send an email to one neighbor lady (I think in the HOA?) informing her of the parade plan and stating that anyone who wanted to come out to wave were more than welcome.

These kids have only lived in the neighborhood for maybe one year, so they haven't met many of the neighbors. It is a circular tract of houses with one gated entrance / exit and a very close knit group. I think they have been accepted, what do you think? Not only did nobody call "that woman governor" on us for breaking curfew, almost to a one they came out to join in the fun!

There goes my eyes watering again.

Happy Easter, everybody.

Saturday, April 11, 2020


Chattering Teeth Blog News - At today's White House coronavirus task force press conference, Dr. Deborah Birx said that the release of large swaths of the country's prison population due to the coronavirus will cause a temporary spike in the official death tally. 

Dr. Birx: "If someone is murdered by a prisoner who was early-released due to the outbreak of COVID-19, even if neither perpetrator nor victim have the underlying virus, we are counting that as a COVID-19 death."

This seems legit, since studies show that the recidivism rate of prisoners released hovers near 80%. With the purposeful destruction of the economy, most will not have an opportunity for rehabilitation even if they wanted too.

The good news is that the models now show a flattening of the prison shiv curve with this release.

Friday, April 10, 2020

Master, to whom shall we go?

As a Catholic, I recognize the Real Presence of Jesus Christ in the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist.
This is meant to explain my angst and not to start an argument with any non Catholics.

With the Chinese Coronavirus shutting down our country, I have had to resort to watching Mass the last few Sundays on TV. We are told we make an act of "Spiritual Communion" and receive this "virtual" sacrament. Like Beatrice said in the Esurance TV Commercial, "That's not how any of this works".

"Jesus replied to them: In all truth I tell you, if you do not eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you."

Not figuratively. Not symbolically. Those who heard this were shocked and most certainly understood this to be the case. Some left because, like Tom Cruise's character states in A Few Good Men, they couldn't handle the Truth.

So I've been looking for a Catholic Church that will be holding an actual Easter Mass.

IRONICALLY, it appears I may have to travel into the belly of the beast where this virus originated, and where all Christians are persecuted, in order to find what I'm looking for. Seriously, These faithful Chinese people defy the atheistic communist rulers and risk life and limb in order to go to Mass, yet we are intimidated by "that woman" governor in Michigan?

If I can't get a flight, I may need to find that slow boat.

Underground Catholic Church in China
Despite the intense crackdown by the totalitarian goverment, Christianity is growing tremendously. It is estimated that there are 12 million Catholics in China, and soon there will be more practicing Christians in China than there are in the United States. It is predicted that Christianity is growing so rapidly in the country that China is on course to become the 'world's most Christian nation' within 15 years.

If this were not so, would I have told you...

Thursday, April 9, 2020

Holy Thursday

Holy Thursday is the commemoration of the Last Supper of Jesus Christ. Holy Thursday is possibly one of the most important, complex, and profound days of celebration in the Catholic Church. Holy Thursday celebrates the institution of the Eucharist as the true body and blood of Jesus Christ and the institution of the sacrament of the priesthood.

But what if Satan tried to use another invisible enemy to stop this from happening?

Luke, Chapter 22:7-13 
Preparations for the Passover

7 When the day of the feast of Unleavened Bread arrived, the day for sacrificing the Passover lamb,
8 he sent out Peter and John, instructing them, “Go and make preparations for us to eat the Passover.”
9 They asked him, “Where do you want us to make the preparations?”

10 And he answered them, “When you go into the city, a man will meet you carrying a jar of water.* Follow him into the house that he enters

11 and say to the master of the house, ‘The teacher says to you, “Where is the guest room where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?”’

12 He will show you a large upper room that is furnished. Make the preparations there.”
[Thanks be to God, the actual ending...]
13 Then they went off and found everything exactly as he had told them, and there they prepared the Passover.

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

PINK SUPERMOON - Did You See It? (and why did it cause Nancy Pelosi to melt?)

Super Pink Moon lights up the sky across the world in rare spectacle linked to ‘end of days’ omen

The good news is that the Chattering Teeth Blog Team pronounce that this apocalyptic prediction only applies to the end of the democrats as a viable political party.

Sunday, April 5, 2020

Cabin fever setting in...

Tale of the tape: "uncle" Josh is the guy in the roller blades doing all the work. He is Mr and Mrs DaBlade's youngest boy of 3. In the wagon are our two favorite Disney princesses, Charlotte (3 yrs old this Easter!) and her little sister, Lydia (2 in October) - Our only two grandchildren (so far) thanks to our middle son and his wife. It is their neighborhood we are traversing in the video. The white GSD is Kruger, who belongs to the girls. He is a powerful, yet good-natured dog who only sees the best in people - Unlike his brother, Zeke (our dog) who is probably home and trying to bust thru the front window to get to the UPS man as this video is taken. This was taken about 2 weeks ago, the last time we were able to visit due to this horrible lock down. I'll be glad when this is over!

(fb message from my daughter-in-law)

Friday, April 3, 2020

Lucille McGillicuddy is your Vita-hydroxychloroquine girl

Maybe it's just me, but every time I hear that promising drug's name mentioned on TV, I can't help but think of the hilarious I Love Lucy bit (Vitameatavegamin)

Hello friends. I'm your Vita-hydroxychloroquine girl. Are you tired, run-down, listless? Do you have malaria, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis or the Chinese Wuhan virus, COVID-19?

Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle. Vita-hydroxychloroquine. Yes, Vita-hydroxychloroquine with an azithromycin chaser contains antiinflammatory and antirheumatic agents that taste like vitamins, meat, vegetables and minerals.

Yes, with Vita-hydroxychloroquine, you can spoon your way to health. All you do is take a great big tablespoonful after every meal. Mmmmmmm..... It's so tasty, too! Tastes just like candy!

So why don't you join all the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vita-hydroxychloroquine tomorrow! That's Vita-hydroxy-chloroquine! (wink)

[Take 16 - overdosed Lucy]

..The answer to all your problems is in this bittle lottle! Uh, "little bottle"! Do you pop out at parties? Are you un-poop-u-lar? Well, are you? 

 Meanwhile, back at the ranch... the quarantine continues. Eating snacks like Lucy and Ethel.