Thursday, December 31, 2015

2016 Blog New Year's Resolution #6

Today, I'd like to unveil my 2016 Blog New Year's Resolution #6. But before I do, let's recap the top 5 resolutions I carry over from year-to-year.

#1 I will make every effort to post on a more regular basis, even when on temporary asylum in a Russia airport.

#2 This blog will persevere to obtain the rest of the story through investigative reporting (googling) and keeping an inexpensive hooker on retainer.

#3 Iwill make evry efort to proofr-ead at least 10% of my bloogs 6efore posting.

#4 I promise the continued arrangement of words in such a way as to project flowery rhetorical flourish and self-defecating humor (without the aid of a teleprompter... or diapers).

#5 DaBlade will continue to wear lederhosen while executing this blog until (A) Everyone reads his scribblings daily, or (2) Lederhosen becomes mainstream business-casual attire.

I now will officially add...
#6 I promise to no longer use sarcasm as a lazy form of humor in this blog because I now realize sarcasm is actually hostility disguised as humor. sarcasm derives from the Greek word “sarkazein” which literally means “to tear or strip the flesh off.” The last thing I want as your blog host is to offend the atheists, the secular humanists, the progressives, the marxists and/or the effeminates and transgenders. That's a mouthful. Let's just call them democrats. Or "freaks" if you prefer. In a nutshell, I just want the freaks to consider the Chattering Teeth Blog their very own internets "safe space".

Be safe  in your New Year's celebrations tonight. I think I may spend it by going to see that new movie titled "Concussion". I think it's a movie about how football can cause headaches, or something. Hey, it has Will Smith with a bad fake accent in it, so it has to be good. I'll just grab a couple Appletinis at the concessions for me and my new good buddy, Kenneth.

Hope I find a parking spot!

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Seal on the highway

Elephant seal repeatedly tries to cross California highway
Earlier, CHP Officer Andrew Barclay says he got a face-full of hot breath and saliva while trying corral this extremely irritated mammal.

Barclay said the elephant seal had "a lot of weight behind her... So she was moving us pretty easily, a lot of force."
Hmmm... Sound like anyone we know? Hillary? That you?
"What we've seen is she's obviously still trying to get out of the water. She's very adamant she's going to cross this stretch of roadway," Barclay added.

Which begs the question... and I'll bite...

Q: Why did the Elephant seal repeatedly try to cross a California highway?

A: To give the 30,000+ unemployed California Millennials with Marine Biology degrees something to do in 'their field'.

I'm just glad there are folks willing to stand on the side of the road holding rescue signs. I have no idea how smart these seals are, but apparently we know they can at least read English (putting them far ahead of the average California High School student).

Seriously, there is a regular dragnet of border patrol keeping this poor seal from crossing the highway. Maybe this little fella has an aunt in Sonoma. Is Sonoma NOT a sanctuary city?

Border security. It can be done. Now back in the water you go. Trust me. These well-intentioned liberals know what's best for you.

Born free, Fluffy! Swim away!!

Monday, December 28, 2015

Wintry Mix in today's forecast

Ugh! The Wintry Mix family is bearing down on the Chattering Teeth Studios and Bunker and I assure you they were not invited. Watching's map in motion, I am reminded of a long family car ride in the family station wagon, and the Wintry Mix family barreling north from Texas for a surprise visit.

In the front seat and on the leading edge are the parents. They are made of snow. They are cold to each other, and they are hoping this trip north warms their relationship. The middle seat is filled with the older of the two children. He is a teenager with a bad complexion of sleet and ice. He thinks he's pretty slick but is really just a pile of mush. The kid brother, rain, has been banished to the back seat. He's noisy and cries a lot.

According to the local forecast...
...and none too soon for the parents.
RAIN: Are we there yet?

SNOW: Almost! Quit yer crying.


SNOW: Rain, keep your precipitation to yourself!

RAIN: I gotta pee!

SLEET: He's been peeing all over since Texas!

RAIN: I'm thirsty!

SNOW: Settle down, you had your fill back at the Gulf. We'll stop again at the Great Lakes, OK?


RAIN: MOM! SLEET farted!

SNOW: SLEET! Hold your wind until we get to Uncle DaBlade's house!


OK, fine. But you can't stay!

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Mas WeeWeeChu

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita. 

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. 

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon," replied Rosita. 

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." 

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." 

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... 

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

DaBlade's Mailbag of tips and tricks this Solstice Season!

Dear 'Blade,

My wife and I are secular humanist atheist progressives who really enjoy celebrating the holidays by giving gifts to our adopted 52-year-old trans gendered man who now identifies as our 6-year-old daughter (but is really our sex slave). 

At this point, you must be wondering why I am writing you for advice, as I seem to be living the perfect life. The problem is that we thought we purchased the perfect gift for our little girl to open for winter solstice, but now I'm afraid we'll just have to recycle it without even giving it to her.

It's the PlanCity Eco Town Building Set. The box says it "consists of an eco home, eco train station, eco charging station, eco street accessories and eco play mat, all of which have been created to encourage ‘clean energy’ playtime. Under the Green Concept Design PlanToys manufacturers utilizing a minimal waste concept. PlanToys long-term commitment to social programs promotes healthy child development..."

Well, Mister 'Blade, my wife Hank and I obviously want to promote healthy child development.

However, now we learn that what we have been told by Al Gore, our liberal professors and godless democrat politicians have been lies. NASA has just reported that burning fossil fuels not only doesn't cause Global Warming, but that burning fossil fuels actually COOLS the planet!

How can I give our little man-girl this Eco Town Building Set now? I don't want her to grow up to be a twisted environment destroyer!

Confused in San Trans Freekshow, California

My Dear Little FreakShow Family,
Fear not! Don't recycle that Eco Town Play set just yet! By adding just a few additional items, you can save this gift from a fate with the landfill and stop that mascara from running down your little man-girl's cheeks on Winter Solstice morning! 

Just include the Penguin and Polar Bear Ice Cube Trays sold separately. 

That way, HeShe can see the damage done by windmills and solar panels and electric cars by watching the slow melting death of her little paly cubes. Or include an Erector set and start her building some fossil fuel burning and planet-saving power plants and smoke stacks!
You're welcome.

Sunday, December 20, 2015




Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Future Tense: President Trump builds 1,954 mile long border Shopping Mall

 Trump has been leading in the polls for two reasons. First, he is a YUUUGE thumb in the eye of the Republican establishment who have betrayed us bitter clingers time and time again and we have had enough. Dos, he has promised to secure the border by building a big, beautiful wall.

I want a wall and I want border security. Most importantly, I want the establishment blue blood elitist Republican leadership to receive a huge black eye, ala Harry Reid's "exerciser".  However, I do not want a President Trump.
We interrupt this blog for breaking poll results!!


CRUZ 100%

I threw in for Cruz when he was at like 4% nationally. I'm not taking credit for his meteoric rise since. However, it might be wise for you to force it upon me.

Random debate thoughts.

I find John Kasich very distracting. His constant waving of his arms and seemingly random facial tics, hand gestures and karate chops... all I could think of was David Byrne of Talking Heads fame in "Once in a Lifetime". David Byrne dancing. John Kasich debating. One is enjoyable to watch and listen to. The other, not so much. See for yourself.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Star Tracks - Forced Awake

WE ARE ONLY ONE WEEK AWAY from the premiere of THAT NEW STAR TRACKS MOVIE and I couldn't be any more excited. *yawn* I hear that I am not alone, and that other mega-fans and maniacal nerds are already lining up to see this sure-fire block buster hit titled something like "Star Tracks - Forced Awake". HASHTAG OMG CAN'T WAIT!

Full disclosure. I know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars. I used to watch Captain Kirk every day after school and before delivering my paper route. However, I never referred to myself as a "Trekkie" and never went to one of those nerd conventions. As for Star Wars, I did see the original movie at the theater at the tender age of 16, but I did not dress up as one of the characters, nor do I recall standing in line to see it... Oh, and I liked girls.

Now before I have my part-time nerd card revoked, let me just say something in my defense. While I have not joined these mega nerds by standing in line for 10 straight days to see a movie for which I had already purchased tickets in advance, I have no less reserved seating on the end of my living room couch to watch this flick when it runs on Netflix in a few years. I leave a pillow cushion in my place to save my seat for when I have to leave (to live a full and fulfilling life). HASHTAG OMG CAN'T WAIT!

In the meantime, re-runs suit me just fine!


Wednesday, December 9, 2015


Whether you are a Donald Trump for president supporter or not, no rational thinking person can take any issue with his recent call for a temporary ban on moozlum immigrants. When the State-controlled media explodes in mock outrage, you know he hit the nail on the head.

When I heard this, I couldn't help but think of this scene from the second best motion picture ever filmed...
TRUMP: I want a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering The United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on.

LOYD: Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this ...AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!

TRUMP: I will make America great again.
LOYD: so you're telling me there's a chance?
LOYD:Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

Monday, December 7, 2015

A veritable mishmash of blog gibberish you've come to expect

This may or may not in fact be the actual
FULL TRANSCRIPT of Obama's speech
or it may well be just more gibberish from random text generator dot com (this blog's main contributory ghost writer).
Really, I have no way of knowing what output you might get from this generator, as it refreshes every click. It may be Obama's address from last night, or you may get the first two chapters from a book titled, "Dreams from Mein Fuhrer's Kampf".

Who's to say, and how could you tell the difference? One man's gobbledygook is another man's teleprompter output.

One way to tell if you are reading Obama's actual address after a terrorist massacre attack or just verbal mishmash is whether or not he starts out with a "shout out" to one of his homeys. You know... like after the Fort Hood massacre.

OBAMA: Before I get started with statements on the recent workplace violence incident caused by an insensitive office Christmas party, the proximity of a nearby Planned Parenthood and the proliferation of guns in this country, I would be remiss not to thank the staff responsible for putting together this awesome set. It almost makes me appear presidential. A special shout out to the curtain guy for making sure my devil horns were not showing this time...

Saturday, December 5, 2015

White House Holiday Card 2015 - It's Finally here!

Look what just arrived in the mail.

And here I was worried The Bamster wouldn't best his pop-up holiday card from 2013.

Friday, December 4, 2015


San Bernardino shooting: 'What is the motivation for this?'

and in other news...

Yes, I know this is hardly the first time I've tied a current event to a scene from the greatest motion picture of all time, The Jerk. I guess it is how I am now permanently wired. So when I read these ludicrous headlines and ridiculous stories from our "retarded news reporters" (hat tip: Kid, at Diary of a Right Wing Pussycat), I just see Navin Johnson (Steve Martin) wringing his hands and trying desperately to come up with a motive for the spontaneously leaking oil cans. Obviously, these cans should not be proudly displaying their labels for fear of offending.

The next visual I have is of Nancy Kerrigan holding her knee and sobbing, "whyyyyy?"

Don't worry CNN and the rest of the state-controlled MSM. The majority of Americans no longer seek you out for the truth.
Rick McKee - The Augusta Chronicle - Wheel Of Terror

And now for a stroll down memory lane...

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Chattering Teeth presents: "Ask DaBlade"advice column.

Dear 'Blade,

I have been described as “rambling and incoherent” loner. A renegade who may have mental health issue and, at a minimum, is a bit “off.” I only live in this dump part time and may be forced to move soon against my will. People say that when I do talk, it is not very cognitive and a rambling combination of a number of topics that doesn't make sense together, and that I tend to avoid eye contact. And THIS NOISE IN MY HEAD!!! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP THIS RINGING IN MY EARS!!!

The Emperor

Dear President Obama,
The ringing you hear is because your speech is running over. STFU, and give the other climate nazis an opportunity.
You're welcome,

El Diablobama tells Pro-Lifers not to “Demonize” Planned Parenthood

Ted Cruz Describes Alleged Planned Parenthood Shooter As ‘Transgendered Leftist Activist’

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Gethsemane Street?

Matthew 26:50-54 - Jesus said to him, 'My friend, do what you are here for.' Then they came forward, seized Jesus and arrested him. And suddenly, one of the followers of Jesus grasped his sword and drew it; he struck the high priest's servant and cut off his ear. Jesus then said, 'Put your sword back, for all who draw the sword will die by the sword. Or do you think that I cannot appeal to my Father, who would promptly send more than twelve legions of angels to my defence? But then, how would the scriptures be fulfilled that say this is the way it must be?'

Prayers for those killed and injured at the hands of the mentally disturbed Colorado Springs shooter, and for their family and friends. Especially for officer Garrett Swasey, killed in the line of duty.

Now for the secular humanist progressive point of view, "You never let a serious crisis go to waste".

1) President Obama has called for more gun control in the wake of the shooting at a Planned Parenthood location in Colorado.

2) Obama's own personal law hack, Attorney General Loretta Lynch, is calling the shootings in Colorado Springs a crime against women receiving health care services at Planned Parenthood.

3)  Planned Parenthood's statement seems to be blaming... HINT: "... extremists are creating a poisonous environment that feeds domestic terrorism in this country."

Liberals are nothing if not predictable, and they are usually wrong. They always jump before any of the facts are known.

Let's take these one at a time.

1) Obama, I know you like to jump to conclusions before any of the facts are known, and your false narratives always blame the 'bitter clingers.' Just know that your marxist anti-American rhetoric has spurred more gun and ammo sales than in any administration before you. In fact, I am going to add to my collection now because of your statement to this so-called Planned Parenthood shooting. I wasn't planning to. I don't really need more. But your words always compel me to arm up. Keep talkin', bro.

2) Dear Loretta. You are a political hack and a total disgrace. You call this a "crime against women receiving health care services"? Were any of the victims that weren't cops, female? Planned Parenthood has said all its staff at the clinic are safe. Loretta, how is that possible, based on your assessment? And what health care services does this PP provide? Are you aware that this mentally disturbed male shooter self-identified as a woman? Maybe he was stopping by for a mammogram, only to become unhinged when he/she learned the truth that there are no 'health services' provided at these butcher shops.

3) As for Planned Parenthood, the bigger crime scene here is on their stainless steel morgue gurneys and huge refrigeration units used to keep the dead babies and baby parts fresh for later consumption and sales. May I say, with all due respect... F%^* you and rot in hell.

Now, I must admit I am sometimes guilty of jumping to conclusions myself. I mean, look at the evidence that the shooter is actually a  registered democrat.
* His mugshot picture. I mean, he LOOKS like a democrat. (a cross between a younger Bernie Sanders and a post Nick Nolte bender)
* The photo of his ramshackle mountain cabin. Unabomberesque and environmentally friendly, if you ask me.
* He shot and killed a police officer. And he identifies as a woman. I am only surprised that obama hasn't granted a pardon and invited him to the White House yet.

So was this crazy shooter a Christian conservative who's extremist views motivated him to attack this PP? Planned Parenthood has said all its staff at the clinic are safe. So, worst shot ever?

No, I think we can safely conclude this has noting to do with Christians. Now if you want to see true religious extremists murdering for their twisted beliefs, just have the Planned Parenthood staff start drawing cartoon caricatures of that islamic pedophile. Better yet, first ask Charlie Hebdo if she needs a mammogram.

Friday, November 27, 2015

The Miller Lite "Dwelling in the Past' spot starring Uran Meyer

The Miller Lite "Dwelling in the Past' spot starring former Dallas Cowboy quarterback, Troy Aikman, is one of my favorite TV commercials for one of my least favorite beers. The original ad can be found here, and was the inspiration for today's complete fig newton of my machinations.

Yes, I know it's daring for me to post this cartoon on the eve of one of the biggest college football rivalries in the nation between The Michigan Wolverines and that team from Ohio. The bottom panel shows Urban Meyer admitting he dwells in the past, and Coach Harbaugh stating, "I don't blame you," as if to verify Coach Meyer's worst fears that he will never again beat Michigan. Ever. I guarantee it.

What my cartoon doesn't address is the reason why Coach Harbaugh is moonlighting as a convenience store clerk. Don't think too hard on that, rather, focus on what happens next. Coach Meyer takes his beer home and chugs it before leaving his garage, then cries himself to sleep.

That guarantee above was meant to horrify my fellow Michigan fan friends who are well aware of my dismal sports prediction track record (you there, Shang?). As a lifelong Detroit Lion's fan, my loyalty has rarely been returned. But how did my Lions look yesterday? 'Nuff said.

And my guarantee is no more, no less than what Jim Harbaugh did himself prior to the 1986 game. He backed up his 1986 guarantee, as quarterback, by leading Michigan to a 26-24 victory in the horse shoe that year, and he will back up, as coach, my guarantee above. I guarantee it. Or I will chug a case of Miller Lite.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

The First Thanksgiving Kiddie Table

Unless you were born with a silver turkey gravy ladle in your over-sized pumpkin piehole, you know all about the Thanksgiving kiddie table. Whether it be in the form of a rickety old card table in the corner of the dining room, or in my case, an old wood stump on the back patio porch, the Thanksgiving kiddie table represents the overflow parking for your Thanksgiving feast.

It's not a real complicated social caste system to figure out. The kiddie table is usually comprised of your less desirable huddled masses of over-active youngsters yearning for an eventual turn at the mashed potatoes. Its like their own little Ellis Island over there at the card table with unidentifiable stains, complete with paper plates and plastic sporks.

Kids, until you attain the ripe old age of double digits, don't plan on dining with the Captain at an actual table adorned with place settings made of the finest bone china and silver. Even then, its a crapshoot. Just because you have graduated from the kiddie table to the good table, that doesn't mean you can't lose that honor. Just ask aunt June, who has a lifetime membership at the kiddie table ever since the late 80s when it became clear that turkey tended to give her gas.

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving, no matter which table (or stump) you are banished.

For more little-known holiday history:
The First Thanksgiving and Black Friday - Shopping like it's 1621!
CHAPTER ONE - The First Thanksgiving
In 1621, prior to anthropogenic global warming, the month of November was cold in New England. Freakin' cold. Certainly too cold to plant crops! "I wished I'd thought of that before leaving in September on a 2-month tour," thought Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford, regretting once his decision to anchor the Mayflower off the shores of the new world in the dead of winter.

"...and honkey please, I'm freezing my butt off in these knickers!," Bradford complained.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Turkey on a Plane!

Just more dreams of my fodder.

And now a special treat. While its true that Obama's school transcripts are sealed, we can still sing along to his favorite choom gang study group song!

Roll 'em up, twist 'em up, light it in your jaw,
And toke up a tune called 'Turkey in the Straw'.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Obama EXHAUSTED after assaulting America from foreign soil

So much hateful energy spent directed at this country while overseas really takes a lot out of a marxist.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

A weasel by any other name

Time to play... DID YOU KNOW?
Today's topic: Name-changing weasels

The stoat is a short-tailed weasel which sports a brown and cream coat during spring, summer and fall. In the winter months, this weasel changes its coat to a pure white, and it changes its name (Please call me "Ermine").

I don't know about you, but THAT FEELS RACIST to me. WHY DOES THIS WEASEL change its name based on its color?  Do ermine lives matter?

NOTE: The white privileged 'ermine' IS not to be confused with the white privileged rapper known as 'Eminem'.

According to wiki, "In the late 19th century, stoats were introduced into New Zealand to control rabbits. The stoats have had a devastating effect on native bird populations."

So instead of a land bountiful in rabbits and birds, it is apparently chock full instead with weasels.

Next week on DID YOU KNOW?...
we will feature a scrawny black and white weasel species known as the Soetoro during its early years. No spoilers, but you won't want to miss what this weasel does after its name change (then again, maybe you will).

In the late 20th century, the Soetoro was introduced into the United States. It has had a devastating effect on the American populations, and is in the process of replacing them with progressive weasels.


Friday, November 20, 2015

A Progressive and Sharia Family Thanksgiving!

The Progressive Family gathered around the television to watch the latest Hillary Clinton speech. 

HILLARY:Let’s be clear, though. Islam itself is not our adversary. Muslims are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism.”

MR. PROGRESSIVE: Hillary's monotone, stilted and passionless speech pattern is very convincing. Honey, lets's invite our new neighbors, the Sharias, over for Thanksgiving dinner. They are recent Muzlim refugees from Syria, and I'm sure they could use a friend.

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Since we don't celebrate the white privilege holiday called Thanksgiving, I assume you mean Native Americans Genocide Day. What a wonderful idea!

MR. PROGRESSIVE: Yah, sorry 'bout that. Hillary says that blaming radical Islamic terrorism for the Paris terror attack is not just a distraction, but gives these ISIS murderers more standing than they deserve. I don't know what ISIS or ISIL stands for, but I'm sure we can agree with Hillary that they have nothing to do with Islam.

MARY: My 6th grade teacher says it's all our fault and they're just mad at Bush and Cheney because of Global Warming.

Fast Forward to Thanksgiving, errr... I mean Native Americans Genocide Day...
MR. PROGRESSIVE: Little Billy, I told you not to smoke that weed in the house. The Sharias will be here soon. Go smoke it on the back porch son.

BILLY: Shut the F&*#@ up mister! You're not even my real dad!

MR. PROGRESSIVE: Fooled you Billy. You called me "mister" and I'm biologically not even a dude!

BILLY: Well, you called me "son" and yet I have girlie parts too. Who's the dumbass now?

Later... ***DING DONG***

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Mary, will you get the door please. Our neighbors, the Sharias are here!

MARY: SHUT UP B#tch! I'm busy posting selfies to my Instagram.

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Never mind honey. I'll get it. I sure hope the Sharias like Tofurkey, since we quit eating food that used to have a face.

Later, during dinner conversation...

MRS. PROGRESSIVE: Mrs. Sharia, that sure is an interesting fanny pack you have there. Since you are covered head-to-toe in a sheet like an old sofa in storage, you obviously don't need lip gloss or makeup. Just what do you carry in it?

MRS. SHARIA: Oh, don't worry. I have EVERYTHING I need for my Black Friday Mall shopping spree.

THE END (or near enough to it)

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

DaBlade's Mailbag of Wisdom

Sometimes, I run across something so incredibly stupid and ignorant, I am at a loss for...  a collection of distinct meaningful elements of speech or writing, used to form a sentence of coherent thought.

Because we all know that the Puritan pilgrims of yesterday and the Izlamofascist terrorists of today are morally equivalent. In fact, I would venture to argue that had the roles been reversed and it was Izlamofascists landing on Plymouth Rock in 1620, the Indian's fate would have had e a much rosier result, don't you?

But enough about marauding muslims and the clueless secular atheist humanist progressive dope-smoking liberal progressives.

Let's go to the mailbag for some mental palate-cleansing...

Dear DaBlade,

I am a professional beekeeper who tries to mind his own beeswax. I had a colony of bees, went away for a week, came home to no bees and a hornet's nest inside. They have killed all the bees and robbed all the honey. What is a good way to prevent hornets from attacking my hive?

Stung in Europe

Dear Stung,

When a giant hornet refugee migrates to a European bee colony it produces a pheromone that attracts all of its siblings to descend on the European honey bee’s home and begin the slaughter. The hornet easily decapitates honey bees in a simple movement of their large powerful mandibles. One single giant hornet can kill 40 honey bees in a minute. Thirty of these over-sized hornets can wipe a 30,000 strong bee colony out in a little over 3 hours. After the hornet’s thorough massacring of the hive they take back the bee abdomens to feed to their children, leaving their legs and heads to fester. The hornets also take their honey stores and larvae.

My advice would be to kill them where they live, and to certainly not invite them into your hive. Be aware that this strategy may meet resistance by a portion of brain-deficient honey bees who believe these hornets should be allowed to 'settle' in the hive.These useful idiots should be ridiculed and marginalized if survival of the species is important.

Monday, November 16, 2015

No More Syrian 'Refugees' in Michigan

Michigan Governor Snyder - No more Syrian refugees in Michigan

Many outraged, but gov says safety key concern after attacks in Paris
LANSING — Gov. Rick Snyder's decision to suspend efforts to bring Syrian refugees to Michigan in light of the deadly terrorist attacks in Paris on Friday has sparked controversy and launched the state into the national debate of how to protect U.S. citizens while providing a haven for those who desperately need help. (Hint: Leave them THERE!)

How does that old idiom go?

Why close the barn door when the silos are already full?

Hamtramck elects Muslim-majority city council

If the State of Michigan were a barn...

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Starbucks Red Cup Twilight Zone

Starbucks' red cup controversy
Starbucks said the unadorned cup allows customers to put their unique drawings and message on it, but some say it’s one more way that companies are stripping the Christmas message from the holiday season.

Narrator: The place is here, the time is now, and the journey into the shadows that we're about to watch could be our journey.

Scene: Progressive Pete was out of town and unfamiliar with the landscape. He walks into what he believes to be the local Starbucks for his morning pick-me-up. But what Progressive Pete doesn't realize, is that instead of walking into the local Starbucks, he has entered straight into... the Twilight Zone.

Progressive Pete: I'd like a quad cap “skinny” Cinnamon Dolce, Trenta, Pumpkin Spice of course, but skip the whip silly! Oh, and a box of crayons so I can color interesting, yet politically correct secular progressive messages on my cup.

Nick "The Barista": Hey look, mister. We serve regular coffee in here in regular cups for folks who want to get caffeinated fast, and we don't need any  well-groomed, scarf-wearing metrosexual characters around to give the joint "atmosphere". Is that clear, or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?

Scene: A shocked and confused Progressive Pete starts to sob from Nick's apparent aggression. Pete looks around for support, but does not see anyone wearing earbuds or looking at their phones. All of the patrons, both young and old, were instead conversing and smiling with those around them. This direct human interaction was disorienting to Progressive Pete.

It was then that he noticed the message "Merry Christmas" stenciled onto the picture window. HORRORS!!! VIOLATION!!! OFFENDED ALERT!!! With this, he panicked and ran from the coffee shop and directly into the path of a city bus. 

When Progressive Pete awoke on the sidewalk, he clearly was no longer living in Obamaville. He stumbled thru a busy town, where there was actual commerce and employment happening all around! "What, no rioting?," he thought. He saw moms and dads and kids, and they were walking on the sidewalks together. Pete looked up and down the block, but instead of seeing tattoo parlors or Planned Parenthoods, he saw diners, hardware and clothing stores and a couple of Christian churches! Very strange. There were no ornamented transgendereds, just ornamented Christmas trees. And a NATIVITY SCENE on the grounds of City Hall?! There were lights and songs! Instead of vacant stares, Progressive Pete saw actual joy and love...

It was then, Progressive Pete woke up back in Obamaville.  He had experienced strange and wonderful things and wanted to go back. But like it or not, Progressive Pete was stuck in Obamaville... at least for now.  In the meantime, might as well enjoy a cup of virgin fetus blood from Starbuck's new collectible cup.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

GOP Debate Predictions (or maybe just what I want to see tonight)

The “kiddie table” debate
...featuring Chris Christie, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum is cut short after a sink hole opens up in debate stage floor directly under Christie and Huckabee. This was obviously an oversight in not splitting these two up on either end in order for a more uniform weight distribution. Repairs are complete just in time for the main event.

As for the main event:
Dr. Ben Carson sheds the low energy label once and for all after he vaults podium screaming "WITCH HUNT!! landing on Fox Business anchor, Neil Cavuto, and putting him into a headlock. "I asked for details on his tax plan!," stated Cavuto, as he quietly nods off due to the prolonged sleeper hold over the commercial break.

A bizarre moment when Marco Rubio is questioned about his credit card use. Instead of answering and defending his finances, he uses his time in a non-verbal fashion. He reaches into his lapel pocket and starts pulling out a connected stream of credit cards in their plastic wallet sleeves. He is still pulling them out while they pile on the debate stage floor. It was reminiscent of a magician pulling a long and seemingly never-ending string of colorful scarves from his hat. The distraction works, as the audience bursts into applause and Marco gets a poll jump out of the exchange.

Trump's night was uneventful. He was still wearing the gold earring and leather jacket he wore on SNL, and danced stiffly when asked a question, then insulted Kasich and Rand Paul on either end of the debate stage. He only stops after Dr. Carson stabs him in the belt buckle with his microphone he had managed to file down into a shiv. Most analysts give the heated exchange to Carson.

Lindsey Graham and George Pataki, who both participated in the prior three preliminary debates, were bounced from the debates altogether this time for failure to reach the necessary 1% in the polls. Sadly, neither were recognized at the auditorium entrance and were not allowed admittance. They were escorted out by a low level security guard, and could be heard calling Trump a racist from the parking lot in hopes their campaign coffers would get a needed $5,000 boost.

After the debate, nobody could remember whether Jeb Bush had actually been there. Experts were later called in to examine the video footage and it was determined that Jeb had most certainly been in attendance. This gave him a rock solid alibi for the cars in the parking lot apparently damaged by vandals.

Oh, I almost forgot. Senator Ted Cruz runs away with the debate and vaults ahead of everyone in the polls, exactly where he should be.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Larry David Receives Giant Check For 5,000 Pesos.

The scripted and unfunny heckle from Larry David during Trump's monologue is probably not what this radical leftist open-borders group had in mind.  Well, in the words of that Adorable Cursing Latino Boy, Bleeep You!

Random TV Sitcom series idea... Everybody Hates Quentin.
Plot Summary: Quentin Tarantino plays himself as an ex movie director, a few years after the successful boycott of his crappy movies due to his anti-cop rhetoric. He adopts Little Ricardo, that adorable cursing Latino boy who is always flipping the finger and adorably yelling the F word to any cracker cops that drive through his hood. There will be a laugh track, so hilarity will ensue.

I have sent my script in for review and am awaiting the expected contract offer with an oversized check any day now.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Campaign shorts

Jeb Campaign Resets For Fifth Time
I didn't actually read past the headline of that linked article. In fact, I think I started to nod off after the word 'Jeb". That said, this guy's campaign has been a disaster. If I were Jeb's (Zzzzz) image consultant in charge of this new 'reboot', I would insist Jeb answer all questions in future debates while speaking through a bullhorn. After all, it was the only time the American people galvanized behind his brother.  

Then again, if I were a political image consultant, I wouldn't be wasting my time with The Jebster. Ben Carson, however, is a very appealing candidate who just needs a few image adjustments. For example, why are his eyes closed all the time? Don't bother answering. I have the fix.

If you used to be a pediatric neurosurgeon who had to keep your eyes open for 12 to 15 hour stretches at a time, you also might take advantage of a little shut eye when you can get it.

As for these ongoing debate negotiations, I think we can all agree the liberal moderators need to be outfitted with shock collars set to stun, and controlled by the participants.

That is all.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Happy Devil's Night fellow "pop" drinkers!

What do you call the night before Halloween?
An interesting regional dialect survey. Of course, it was conducted by the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee, where they still insist on calling drinking fountains, "bubblers".
This was a little surprising to me, as I always assumed everyone called it Devil's Night, a night set aside to huddle inside with the family, girding our loins, keeping our heads down and warming ourselves by the Molotov cocktail fire.

Click the link above to see the individual maps for each answer. If you live in an isolated area of the country that refers to this night as "goosey night," please tell your uncle papa I said "hi".

This should have been a debate question for our presidential candidates. I'm guessing there are different activities associated with each.
Any other names for tonight?

Thursday, October 29, 2015

CNBC Runs a Comic Book Debate

CNBC MODERATOR: Mr. Trump. My progressive media comrades believe you are running a “comic book” campaign. In fact, we find it highly suspicious that Dr. Otto Octavius, better known as Doc Ock, is a super-villain and arch enemy of Spiderman, and is described by witnesses as an out-of-shape, middle-aged guy with a hilariously bad haircut. Is it a coincidence, sir, that there are no photographs of Doc Ock and you together? Mr. Trump, are you Doc Ock?

TRUMP: That’s not a very nice question. Though I will admit to having four super strong metallic appendages attached to my back. And another thing, THEY'RE HUUUGE! But that's what happens when there is an accidental radiation leak that ends in an explosion.

CNBC MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, you've stated over and over again about building a wall. How will you do so, sir, and do you hate immigrants?

TRUMP: I LOVE the Hispanics. It's HUUUGE spiders that I hate. As for the wall, I will build the wall using large, steel tentacles that I control telepathically from a great distance. And I will make Mexico pay for it.

CNBC MODERATOR: Mr Trump, Isn't it true you've filed bankruptcy in the past?

TRUMP: I used the laws to my advantage as a business man. I've got a lot of hands in a lot of different businesses with my Sinister Six organization, believe me. A lot of hands. And they're HUUUGE!

CNBC MODERATOR: So you're saying you ARE or are NOT the legendary Supervillain, Doctor Octopus?

TRUMP: Doc Ock is a Seventh Day Adventist, ok? I don't know about that. I am a middle of the road Presbyterian. Now if you'll excuse me, your two hours are up. I've got to get the hell out of here. I have a business appointment with Peter Parker, and his consciousness isn't going to clone itself.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Police officers take down Jeb Bush

...after he fails to leave the GOP debate stage when asked politely by all of the recent poll results.
What do you think? Was the take down a little harsh?