Sunday, July 19, 2020

Covid Face Masks on a Stick!

Do your glasses fog up from breathing while wearing the mandatory face mask? Has this fogged vision almost caused an accident while driving by yourself inside a 120-degree car with the windows up? Do the mask loops make your ears stick out, resembling an out-of-control taxi barreling down the street with the driver's and passenger's doors open? Do you feel like you are being waterboarded when swimming with your cloth mask? 

Hi, Billy Mays here for the new Covid Face Masks on a Stick!

This new handheld stick mask is the latest type of face mask approved by the State! It is no less effective at protecting the wearer against virus particles as the ear loop cloth masks, but JUST AS EFFECTIVE in virtue-signaling the holder as an obedient citizen and member of the subjugated collective!

This same mask-on-a-stick technology was used in Venetian masks and have been since antiquity in concealing the identity, whether at a masquerade or in daily life. The masks served an important social purpose of keeping every citizen on an equal playing field. Was the masked person a servant or a nobleman? WHO CARES! Because when everyone wears a mask, there are no individual faces and only ONE acceptable voice. Say hello to your neighbor, turned State inquisitor, for me!

Right about now I imagine you saying, "Billy, why would I want a mask that I have to hold, effectively making me one-handed? And didn't you die from Covid back in 2009?"

While the citizen is required to hold the mask up to the face when in public indoor and crowded outdoor spaces, stick masks enable the wearer to eat and drink efficiently because of the ease in lowering the mask and sitting it on the ground. And since your Covid Face Mask on a Stick doesn't anchor on your face with those silly one-size-fits-none loops - NO SORE EARS! 


How many times have you witnessed a person in non-compliance by not wearing a face mask and selfishly putting your life in danger - not from the virus (again, for which they're less than useless) - but from your self-righteous narcissistic indignation causing you to hyperventilate carbon dioxide through your mask!? Well, just snap their picture via the miniature camera in the face mask stick and have the built-in Bluetooth technology automatically send the perpetrator's likeness to the nearest police station. 

Call now and get your Covid Mask on a Stick with built-in camera AND we'll throw in the state-of-the-art Barcode hand implant for convenient identification and making payments so easy in the new cashless society. 

Call right now and we'll double the offer. Just pay separate shipping and handling. 

Order now! 

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Trump Monument Protection Plan Includes Living Statues this July 4th Weekend

Chattering Teeth News - On President Donald Trump's order, Homeland Security officials have deployed across the country ahead of July Fourth to protect federal monuments.

Trump stated that the leftist mob will not be allowed to tear down our history.

These 'woke' losers and cowards comprising antifa and their white, liberal indoctrinated marxist democrat protesters with their virtue-signaling Black Lives Matter signs supporting this garbage group of human debris may get the surprise of their young and aimless lives. For the next statue they try to pull down or otherwise desecrate may actually be one of the 1,776 law enforcement officials deployed this holiday weekend and dressed as Living Statues.

These "Statues" are all ex-Special Forces and are ready to administer a choke hold to the belligerent protesters, or emergency benadryl to any who surrender and our frightened and triggered by the sound of fireworks symbolizing our American freedom.