Sunday, December 31, 2017

2018 Blog New Year's Resolutions

What a difference a year makes, eh? ISIS is all but destroyed. No more Muslim Brotherhood toga parties at the White House. No more late night choom smoke wafting from the shaded corners of the White House South Lawn portico while the world was on fire. Ahhhh! Freedom!

As I scan the list of last year's 2017 Blog New Year's Resolutions, I am reminded of my juvenile and immature self from a full year ago. How naive and unsophisticated I was way back then! Were my puerile blog posts really that sophomoronic and Jejune? Was I so insecure and lubricious 12 months ago that I felt the need to use thesaurus dot com as a sort of crutch  to hide my indolence?

Well no more, misters and misseses! From now on, its full on blog stream of consciousness.

I've decided that my 2018 resolutions will be more about some guiding principles than an actual "to do" list. Some of these proverbs, idioms and mottos may seem familiar, but I've molded and improved them to fit my sedentary and reclusive lifestyle. I hope you find them utilitarian.

*Conceive it. Believe it. Achieve it. Take a selfie of me with it.

*Endeavor to persevere. Unless you're binge-watching Yule Log on Netflix.

*The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but never give a new rotor to a crying infant and expect a competent brake installation.

*Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but imitating flatulence can be considered cultural appropriation.

*Work hard and be kind and humble to others. Once enough wealth is acquired, kick those f*&kers to the curb.

*Never put off till tomorrow what... Never mind, the hockey game's on. I'll tell ya later.

*Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Unless you are a pessimistic masochist.

*The Truth shall set you free, but not as surely as a San Francisco jury.

*a friend in need is a friend indeed. Unless said 'friend' is the Friend of the Court, in which case the friend in need may require your Quit Claim Deed.

*Above all to thine own self be true. Just not on your Facebook homepage.

*To catch rabbits, Hide behind a bush and do carrot calls. You may not catch a rabbit, but... hey, look! A butterfly!

* (Ed's fav from last year) I resolve to live by this creed: Discretion may be the better part of valor, but a manly plush bathrobe is the better part of velour.

*Obviously as a grown a$$ed man, my preferred gender pronouns are 'he', 'him', and 'his', as I am not mentally ill. However, I do suffer from Subordinating Conjunction dysphoria, and therefore my adverb preference is 'nevertheless'.

*Helen Keller once signed, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Or was that Koko the talking gorilla? Then who signed, "Frown, cry, frown, sad" when their pet cat died? I always get those two mixed up.

*I believe it was Socrates who said... "You say goodbye and I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello. Hello, hello. I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello." And then he was immediately administered hemlock for this heresy. I think. Then again, you should trust my wisdom implicitly because if it can be said that anybody doesn't know anything for sure, it's me! (There. unravel that word-riddle in your free time, whydon'tcha).

*I believe it was the Greek philosopher PlayDoh who said... "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. And if it doesn't fit, you better hope it didn't come from Wal Mart. Have you ever been through their returns line? Not the best dental plan I'll tell ya".

Cheers, everybody! Happy New Year! Have a safe celebration, and remember that tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Let's fill it with fake news!

Friday, December 29, 2017

The True Story of Melania and the White House Magnolia Tree

It's not surprising that Newsweek ran with a slanted hit piece on Melania Trump this week, with a bold headline in caps screaming:

What's a progressive mind to make of that? Melania must really hate old, historic trees! What could she possible have against an old growth Magnolia tree reportedly planted by none other than Andrew Jackson - a tree that has provided shade to countless visitors, and a safe haven and sanctuary for generations of squirrels and birds?

A tree that has witnessed so much important history. From the growing pains of a nation through the Civil War, both world wars, Elvis visiting Nixon, and the Obama girls (Sachal & Malace?) climbing its boughs to hide from their parents in order to smoke weed. And now the tree is all gone! Ripped from the ground root and stem and sold for parts like so much unwanted tissue mass from the womb of a democrat women at Planned Parenthood.

*Lip Quiver* Wh... wh... wh... whyyyyy!?

Fake news! Of course, the main stream haters will never tell you the true story of love behind the felling of this once-majestic tree. But that's why you come here, isn't that so my dear Theophilus?

So pull up the nearest stump and make yourself comfortable - for I am about to tell you the true story of a certain White House tree. I call this tale...

[DISCLAIMER: Any similarity between this story and the short story written by O. Henry in 1905 titled, The Gift of the Magi - the tale with a Christmas twist involving a good wife who sold her hair for money to buy her husband a chain for his pocket watch, a watch he sold for money to buy her a set of fancy hair combs - is strictly coincidental.]

There once was a historic 200-year-old tree growing on the south lawn, and it was yuuuuuge! Believe me.

Melania daydreamed as she stared at the tree out the White House window. Christmas was almost upon them. This would be their first Christmas spent in the White House and she wanted it to be special. But what could she give her husband for Christmas that he didn't already have? Maybe a set of fancy hair combs? 

She continued to ponder this as she gazed at the wizened tree with it's gnarled branches held on to the trunk with a precarious series of pulleys and cabling. It was a wonder the old tree was still standing, and it had now become an actual safety hazard as it could fall over with the next slightest breeze. 

The tree had survived the last 200 years of administrations, but not for much longer after supporting Mooshell's girth when she climbed after her girls during the last one. "That is one ugly tree," thought Melania. "I really can't stand that tree. Just think of the wonderful natural light we could have in this wing if only that tree were removed." 

Donald watched his beautiful wife from the doorway, careful not to alert her to his presence. He noticed her staring at the large tree outside the window. She seemed to stare at the tree an awful lot lately. "She must really like that tree," thought the president. "That gives me a great gift idea!"

Suddenly Melania whirled from the window with the perfect gift idea that struck her like a lightening bolt.

**the sound of a chainsaw firing up from somewhere on the grounds does not seem to catch the attention of the crack squad of Secret Service agents posting guard duty that night, as their earbuds tuned to their favorite spotify playlists muffled the whining roar of the chainsaw...

At 7 o'clock the coffee was made... Melania stood in the doorway of the Oval Office, her nightgown covered in a fine layer of sawdust. "Here is you Christmas present darling!," said Melania, as she handed her husband his gift. Donald quickly tore off the wrappings to expose a brand new set of golf club woods.

"Do you like them?," she inquired. "The club heads are made from the wood of that nasty old tree that was in the yard until last night. I sawed that bastard down and stayed up all night whittling these for you."

Donald plopped down hard in his easychair, a look of shock on his face.  "You've cut the tree?" asked Donald. "You've cut the tree!"

Out of his trance Donald seemed quickly to wake. "if you'll unwrap that package you may see why you had me going a while at first. I sold my golf bag in order to buy this for you..."

White fingers and nimble tore at the string and paper. And then an ecstatic scream of joy; and then, alas! a quick feminine change to hysterical tears and wails... "Why, it's a bench! Like those you see sitting under the large Linden trees in my homeland of Slovenia!"

 How thoughtful! This would have been perfect sitting under that old Magnolia tree I removed to make your golf clubs."

"And these golf clubs would have have fit perfectly in my old golf bag - the one I sold in order to buy this bench for you," said Donald.

"But we're filthy rich," said Melania. "You didn't need to sell your golf bag!" 

"Oh well. One less tree though! Merry Christmas, dear!"


Tuesday, December 26, 2017

December the 26th, CORRECT!

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Thursday, December 14, 2017

snail on a keyboard

I contracted the Geico Sloth to do the blog 'shop graphic... accompany my comfort therapy terrestrial pulmonate gastropod mollusc named Bob's guest blog columnist post.

If you feel you must comment, please wait for them to complete their work. It's not like I will be watching from a warm Florida beach with a drink in my hand.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Roy Moore Announces Middle School Yearbook Signing Tour

Judge "Judges" Book By Cover

Can You Get An F In Lunch?

Not as long as you stay away from that dude in the cowboy hat sitting on a horse named Sassy in the school parking lot.

Meanwhile... across the fruited plain.
Hundreds, perhaps trillions of middle-aged white people stood in line for literally what seemed like a thousand years in a Seattle book store yesterday to get a signed copy of Clinton’s latest book, “What Happened,” and to meet their queen.

“She’s American royalty,’’ said [some pussyhat wearing female buffoon] as her friends nodded in agreement. “We have a queen.”

“It was so inspirational. I can’t believe that... I’m standing in the same room with her.”

What? As opposed to lying horizontally in a nearby park with a 'self-inflicted' gunshot wound?

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Did Roy Moore Bully-Sign Boy's Yearbook?


Did Roy Moore bully-sign the yearbook of that Tennessee middle schooler with the funny schnoz? If so, can we all agree that maybe the judge has gone a little too far this time!? 

To Keaton,
If there is another Tennessee 
middle schooler with a funnier 
nose, I could not say.
Roy Moore - senator 2017

The Chattering Teeth Blog has the boy's original Horace Maynard Middle School yearbook, and their handwriting expert on staff is carefully analyzing the script as votes are being cast in the Alabama senate election (though the milk stains are distracting him). Will the results conclude that Moore bullied this young Jimmy Durante doppleganger? Will they be available in time to affect this election? Will Gloria Allred represent 'Rocky' after she gets a whiff of his mother's crowd funding efforts? Stay tuned for the exciting answers.


And now for a visit from the spirit of the Father from Christmas past.

Dude. Man up. 
Stand up for yourself. Don't ever willingly allow anyone to pour milk on you or put ham down your clothes without fighting back (or adding 2 slices of Wonder and squirting a mustard chaser down the front of your drawers for the laughs - chicks dig that kind of stuff). Don't be afraid to lose. In fact, you most likely will. But if you play your cards right, you won't lose before you get a good shot in on the biggest bully. And after you are knocked down and possibly bloodied, stand back up and confront them by yelling, "YOU QUIT, YOU LOSE M&**er F*%^ERS!!!!" Rinse and repeat. Trust me, they will think you crazy and leave you alone. There are always easier pickin's then 'crazy'. You see, there is no shame in losing my son. Only in not standing up for yourself. And not knowing which bathroom to use. My time is now done here. You will now be visited by the spirit of Christmas present. NOW whatcha gonna do when they come for you!?

Friday, December 8, 2017

Planned Parenthood Exit Coming Up

DOJ investigation launched into Planned Parenthood’s practice of selling baby parts

It's true, they kill millions of babies, then cut them up and sell their parts for profit - but should THAT minor detail override the good things they do? Like providing sex education... errr.... and providing important DIRECTORY services in telling young women where they can go if they insist on prenatal care or an actual breast exam.

And just WHO ARE YOU to decide that infanticide committed by a women's body is wrong? Don't like it, don't kill any!

I have a dream that one day the Buffalo Bill character from the movie Silence of the Lambs will not be judged by the content of his basement well nor the skins taken from his overweight victims, but by the quality of stitching for his 'woman suit'.

A "FREE MAMOGRAMS" (sic) sign found buried under the porch of legendary serial killer, John Wayne Gacy. If confirmed that Mr Gacy actually performed free mammograms or provided "non-judgmental" sex education - it could lead to his posthumous exoneration.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

The embassy just got 10 feet higher

Trump to move our embassy to Israel’s capital in Jerusalem.

The capital of the Jewish people for a mere 4,000 years or so.

The arabs who call themselves 'Palestinians' (which is not really a thing) say they will withdraw from the peace talks. YIKKES! *WRINGS HANDS* *lip quiver* *sob*

The MSM agree that Trump has destroyed the peace process, hoping we will ignore the 100+ years of violence perpetuated by these same arabs.

Hamas plans 'day of rage' in response to Trump's Jerusalem decision

TRUMP: "The embassy just got 10 feet higher."
In fact, let's put the embassy in that domed building on that rock. First, paint over that ugly gold - I'm thinking 'egg shell white' - and put up a neon TRUMP sign on top.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017


The "Gay wedding cake controversy" is now in the hands of the Supreme Court.

The very future of our fragile republic rests in the outcome, and the answers to these questions.
1) Will Ruth Bader Ginsburg stay awake long enough to give her dependable rubber stamp vote to the leftist?

B) How many drool aprons will she soil through today's opening arguments?

c) Will the gay male couple show up for oral arguments covered in frosting and confectionary sugars like that large lesbian couple who put Sweetcakes Bakery in Oregon out of business?

4) Will the high court take up my petition to force Masterpiece Cakeshop to bake me this chattering teeth cake?

Stay tuned for the exciting outcome.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Harvey Weinstein Christmas Album

Love listening to the classics this time of year!
Harvey sings...
She & Him  "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's warm on my casting couch
This audition has been - ignore your conjoined twin
So very nice - I'll drop my pants and release the dice

My agent might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink? - Chloral Hydrate in there
I wish I knew how - Close your eyes and brace yourself
To break this spell - You want the part or not? Your twin looks swell

There's bound to be charges tomorrow - Think of my cell mate's sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you disappeared and died
I really can't stay - Get over that hold out
Ah, but it's cold outside
Oh, baby, I'm cold inside