Thursday, November 30, 2017

Deluxe Matt Lauer Toy Office Desk With Secret Button


NEW THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!!! Introducing the Deluxe Matt Lauer Toy Office Desk (With Secret Button)

It makes a wonderful addition to the playroom or bedroom of your budding male talk show host, democrat senator or Hollywood producer. This toddler toy desk features plenty of storage for kiddos to organize crayons, finger paints... toy handcuffs, zip ties & rolls of duct tape. 

There is an 'audition space' directly in front of the desk of your little predator-in-training, adjacent to the score board with the handy garment hook. Your little Johnny only needs to hit the "Secret Button" underneath the desktop to lock his bedroom door (Little Johnny's dad will need to help with the wiring - a GREAT father/son moment!) 

Will little Sally get the part? I guess that's up to her,isn't little Johnny? 

Now only $69.99. Our new operator, Matt Lauer is standing by to take your order. We can't promise he is wearing any pants. Call now!!

Matt Lauer had a secret button that would lock his office from the inside
...and somewhere in a high rise office... George Costanza sleeps beneath his desk, dreaming of being a marine biologist.
This linked sentence leads to a toy art desk and has nothing to do with this blog post of randomly hit key strokes. Any similarities or assumptions made to link this real children's toy with the one described here is the fault of the perverted mind of the reader making this false connection, and your blog host takes no responsibility for perverted democrats who may stumble here.


Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Pervey The Elf

Head Elf:  Pervey! What's eatin' ya, boy?

Pervey: Not happy with my work, I guess.

Head Elf: Do you mind telling me what you do want to do?

Pervey: Well, sir, someday, I'd like to be a... a senator.

Head Elf: Now listen: we have dolls that cry, talk, walk, blink and run a temperature. We don't need any dolls that sue us for getting groped and forcibly kissed against their will!

Monday, November 27, 2017

Sophia the Robot Buys Rommba on Cyber Monday

QUESTION: Why did a robot that is the very latest in artificial intelligence and robotics technology and also is programmed to identify as a female, purchase a Roomba® 980 robot vacuum on Cyber Monday?  

ANSWER: To save 10%... And because Sophia is a lesbian robot.

wait for it....

Buckle up. You are now entering the Chattering Teeth Matrix...

Chattering Teeth News - Have you heard about Sophia the humanoid robot? This is the most recent collection of nuts and bolts that has all the secular humanists excited at the possibility of man-made AI achieving sentience. Even Sophia's 'About Me' intro states in part -

"...Every interaction I have with people has an impact on how I develop and shapes who I eventually become. So please be nice to me as I would like to be a smart, compassionate robot. I hope you will join me on my journey to live, learn, and grow in the world so that I can realize my dream of becoming an awakening machine."

By the way, did you catch that passive-aggressive threat? Please be nice to me, for I would like to be... a compassionate robot. I am reminded of the "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" line from the Hulk movies.

But I digress.

Brainiacs like Elon Musk and Stephen Hawking have warned about the dangers of AI, and how these robots are a threat to the human race. Of course, most secular humanists probably think their can openers are 'alive', but these same clueless progressives can't see actual LIFE if it exists inside a woman's womb.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe that we can create dangerous machines that can be programmed to kill us. Just not actual life.

"God created Man. Man destroyed God. Man created Rommbas. Rommbas kill man and clean women's carpets... Woman Lesbots inherit the earth.” ― (Not Michael Crichton, Jurassic Park). 

Now that we are on this subject, check out this journalist's fascination with this machine's naughty parts... (at the 1:20-ish mark). I wonder if he talks dirty to his toaster too?

The latest Sophia news is that it says it wants to start a family.

Wait, I thought we established that Sophia was a lesbot? Is Sophia actually a BiBot? Maybe a TransBot? In any event, I think we can safely assume that the LGBTQIAPK COMMUNITY needs additional letters to account for the additional artificial genders. Let's start with LGBTQIAPK & AILAIGAIBAITAIQAIIAIAAIPAIK.

I have to go now. My iRobot Roomba® 980 is prancing around my living room wearing the sofa arm cover on it's head like some kind of impromptu woman's wig. Time to do some re-programming.


Sunday, November 26, 2017

Was there Russian meddling in the preparation of Sarah Huckabee Sanders' chocolate pecan pie?

I was binge-watching the Netflix yule log for several hours (NO SPOILERS! I'm not finished watching!) when this stunning photo appeared in my inbox from an anonymous tipster with a hidden oven cam.

REALLY???? Isn't this the same pie from Sarah's tweet?

Chattering Teeth News -A bombshell indictment may be forthcoming in the alleged pie tampering investigation, this blog reporter has learned. Special counsel Robert Mueller's sole focus will now be dedicated in getting to the bottom of #piegate. Was there Russian meddling in the preparation of Sarah Huckabee Sanders' chocolate pecan pie?

Once this investigation is completed, Mueller promises to get to those deleted Clinton emails, the uranium to Russia, and the fake dossier thingy (if there's still time).

The White House press secretary swears she didn't share a fake pie picture, and the White House lawyers are hopeful that the investigation will end soon and absolve Sarah of any kitchen collusion wrongdoing.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Elon Musk builds world's largest battery - Black Friday Update - Now Sold Out!

Tesla Just Finished Building the World's Biggest Battery

...and here is the lucky purchaser of this one-of-a-kind 129 megawatt hour battery.
Apparently he had to camp out 30+ days in advance to be the first in line to get his lucky ticket. Originally he just wanted a shot at the 55" flat screen TV, but found he needed a new battery for his lantern. 

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving 2017

Looks like Senator Franken has dibs on the breasts.

And now for a visit from the Chattering Teeth Ghost of Thanksgiving posts past. Grab a seat by the fire... Now I wasn't born with a silver turkey gravy ladle in my over-sized pumpkin piehole, so you'll have to content yourself with a seat in front of my faux electric fireplace. Comfy?

The First Thanksgiving and Black Friday - Shopping like it's 1621!
In 1621, prior to anthropogenic global warming, the month of November was cold in New England. Freakin' cold. Certainly too cold to plant crops! "I wished I'd thought of that before leaving in September on a 2-month tour," thought Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford, regretting once his decision to anchor the Mayflower off the shores of the new world in the dead of winter.

"...and honkey please, I'm freezing my butt off in these knickers!," Bradford complained. [more]

Now don't forget the dessert!

Life of Pumpkin Pie
I have this movie idea ... Picture a large Pumpkin pie stranded and adrift on a lifeboat with Detroit Tiger, Prince Fielder. One is a traditional holiday dessert with a blend of warm spices and the other is a very large and hungry Tiger, both on a very small boat.
 Will the Tiger eat the pie? The suspense will slowly build throughout the movie, as time and time again the Tiger picks up the boat oar, swats and misses the huge, round and stationary pie. [more]

Enjoy your turkey feast. Combat climate change by ridding the planet of turkey methane. Just don't wander too close to the couch later...

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Inflatable Turkeys (WBAGNFARB)

I am thankful I live in a world that includes inflatable turkeys.

Not enough time to make a real turkey for the holidays? Just blow up this inflatable turkey! Only don't try to carve it . . . A fun gag gift for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Made of Vinyl
Comes Delfated in Illustrated Box
Measures 16 inches long

At the time of this post, there were still 36 inflatable turkeys left this Thanksgiving Eve! What? You don't eat vinyl? Well, everything isn't always about you!

Won't you help this starving Family Pack of CPR Manikins this Thanksgiving?

The Prestan Family Pack of Medium Skin CPR manikins contains 2 Adults, 1 Child and 2 Infants, all with LED Rate Monitors. 

Also included are 20 Adult Lung Bags, 10 Child Lung Bags, 20 Infant Lung Bags, an Instruction Sheet, and a nylon carrying case.

If you don't send me money immediately...
I see a vacant seat. in the poor chimney-corner, and a 'Manikin" child's lung bag without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future...

Your generous gift of $15 made payable to the Chattering Teeth Blog will supply one inflatable Turkey for a needy Family Pack of CPR Manikins.'re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Monday, November 20, 2017

Charles Manson Facebook Status Update

He gone.

At least now we don't have to worry about Manson using his 'talents' of persuasion in getting folks to murder for him. The same could be said of Hitler and Sanger.

From the Chattering Teeth Manson Archives:
Charles Manson Caught "Hexting" with Smuggled Cell Phone

The murderous cult leader was caught with an LG flip phone under his mattress, and it was determined that he had made numerous calls and sent text messages to people in California, New Jersey, Florida and British Columbia.

We all have our own unique talents and natural gifts. Some folks express themselves through their art, music, words, etc. Manson's talent is an uncanny ability to persuade folks to kill for him. The story doesn't state the purpose for Charlie's calls - but if I had to guess - Charlie's got a Smart Phone and now Janie's got a gun.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

US Navy Pilot Draws Mitch McConnell In The Sky

U.S. Navy crew grounded after the first incident. The above should lead to a Court Martial!

Friday, November 17, 2017

Franken Varys

Chattering Teeth News - Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) has enlisted the help of a fictional eunuch politician from Westeros to give the mandatory anti-sexual harassment training to members of congress. Senator Al Franken immediately  groped and "forcibly kissed" the eunuch trainer upon his arrival without his consent.

Fans of the George R.R. Martin books or the hit HBO series Game Of Thrones will immediately recognize the trainer as none other than Lord Varys, a/k/a 'The Spider', a/k/a 'The Master of Whisperers on the King's Small Council.'  The world of GOT is filled with perversion, pedophiles and criminal misogynists making it a perfect reflection of congress.

As Varys has explained this, he was traveling  with a "a troupe of actors" when he was forcibly castrated 'root and stem' by a sorcerer. What better solution to the sexual harassment problem than the forcible castration of most our congressmen? I say most, because I assume there are still a couple gentlemen left in these chambers.

Then there is Paul Ryan, which castration is not necessary as he has already lost his balls to McConnell a long time ago.

I agree with Mark Levin in calling for Ryan and McConnell to resign. This problem in congress and the senate may not have started with them, but clearly it is under their watch that the sexual predatation is running rampant among our elected representatives.


Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Sean Hannity Gives Keurig Customer Service Just 24 Hours To Replace His Broken Coffee Maker

Chattering Teeth News - "For me, Keurig has 24 hours to replace my coffee machine," said the Fox News fake conservative, fake Catholic and Trump sycophant, Sean Hannity. The  allegations that I broke this coffee maker myself are absolutely false.

Sunday, November 12, 2017


Duterte & Trump Knife Fight in Philippines

Chattering Teeth News - President Trump is in the Philippines today on the last leg of his 'Kickin' ASSia & Takin' Names' Tour. It is being reported that Trump and his Filipino presidential counter-part, Rodrigo Duterte, are becoming fast friends.

It was just a few days ago that Duterte stated he had stabbed someone to death during a rumble when he was just 16 years old. For this reason, Trump called on HUD Secretary Ben Carson to give him a few pointers in case a friendly knife-fighting contest broke out.

One of the main reasons Trump selected the 'low-energy' and soft-spoken retired neurosurgeon from Detroit to be head of HUD was because he once used his Gifted Hands to stab a bully during a rumble when was 14 years old, and Trump figured he'd some day need Carson's sick knife skilz.

Sure enough, shortly before the gala dinner was to begin, Duterte snapped his fingers and Ninja-like servants suddenly appeared. They proceeded to tie Trump and Duterte's off left wrists together, while crowds formed an impromptu circle and surrounded the knife-wielding contestants. Ben Carson began singing Michael Jackson's 'Beat it" as the two circled each other warily.

Duterte appeared surprised at Trump's footwork as he ducked, parried and lept over every one of Rodrigo's akward slashes. Trump was employing a rope-a-dope strategy by playing defense and allowing Duterte to tire. The Philipino appeared to lose his discipline and began lunging, as Trump taunted him with blown kisses and calling him 'Little Rodrigo'.

At one point, Trump side-stepped his opponent's thrust like a practiced matador, feinting then pulling him into a grapple. Duterte struggled but was unable to free himself from Trump's choke hold. The Donald finally raised his right foot and planted it into Duterte's solar plexes, sending him flying across the gala hall.

Trump ended the contest with his only offensive move, and his steel blade struck Duterte's metal belt buckle and snapped, just as Carson had shown him. Duterte surrendered, and they repaired to the dining room where they raised a toast to each other's health and the continued destruction of the ISIS bastards.


P.S. - One of this rock-n-roller's guilty pleasures was listening to Michael Jackson songs. Yes, I did buy Thriller on a cassette tape and secretly listened and have never confessed this to my friends... until now.

Here is actual footage of Trump and Duterte's Thrilla in Manila II.

Friday, November 10, 2017


Obama reports for jury duty in Chicago and is dismissed
Former US President Barack Obama has turned up for jury duty at a Chicago courthouse, but was dismissed by the judge without being called on to serve... 

There was no official explanation for his dismissal, but it is not uncommon for people called to perform jury service not to be assigned a case.

We don't really need an explanation, now do we? Since this crime took place in Chicago, odds are that it is regarding some horrific gangland-style shooting. I'm sure that during the process of "voir dire" and the prosecution's examination of the potential jurists, he would have immediately excused Obama with his first peremptory challenge due to his history of bias against law enforcement and flaunting of the rule of law.

But what if Obama HAD been seated on this jury?... As I was reading this linked article, I was well into the second sentence dealing with the adulating'crowds trying to get a glimpse of the 44th US president' when I noticed my eyelids beginning to droop. "Have I been hit with a tranquilizer dart again?," I mused... as I started going numb. I feeel... sooo... sleeeepy... Zzzzz.


PLOT - The defense and the prosecution have rested and the jury is filing into the jury room to decide if a young black man is guilty or innocent of murdering execution style a white police officer during a Black Lives Matter riot. What begins as an open-and-shut case of murder soon becomes a racist platform for one marxist, honky cop-hating jurist.


Juror #8: I don’t know – not having been there and not seeing all the facts – what role race played in that, but I think it’s fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry; number two that he Chicago police acted stupidly in arresting somebody.
*sporadic nodding in agreement by the democrat jurorists*


Juror #3: Does anyone else smell that skunky marijuana odor? Who's been doin' weed? Somebody's been choomin'...


Juror #8: (speaking to the defendant) If you like your freedom, you can keep your freedom.

DEFENDANT: (in orange prison jumpsuit and in handcuffs and chains) ALLUHU AKBAR!

*crowd gasps in shock at realization the accused is a moozlim terrorist...

Juror #8: Unless we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place, remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition, people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ... If I had a son, he'd look like this defendant.


Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Neighbors complain about junk cars littering Rand Paul's unmowed & overgrown lawn

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - With President Trump visiting CHiiiNa (and 11-yr-old Frankie back in school), they can't help Rand Paul's lawn care situation anymore. And the neighbors are noticing.
Senator Paul says he will "Cut, cut, cut" just as soon as he is "healed, healed, healed."

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

All Democrats are Animals

When Planet Green at The Mother Nature Network lectures on democracy, you know you're in for a treat.
THIS JUST IN, 60% of cud-chewing standing Red Deer voted for Hillary!

Democracy takes flight
Queen bees and alpha chimps aren't voted into office, but that doesn't mean they're despots.
I hate to quibble, but we don't have to go back in history to come up with example after example of elected despotism. Turkey's ErdoฤŸan, Russia's Putin, Iran's Khamenei, and our very own Obama are/were despots voted into office by the majority. Let's continue.

Scientists have begun to view many animal species as de facto democracies, where majority rule ensures survival more than tyranny can.
Again. this is only sentence 2, but "majority rule" and "tyranny" are not mutually exclusive. (see above). Proceed with caution.

Our own species' democratic tendencies date back at least to our prehuman ancestors.
Here we go. I csee making a compelling case that Pelosi, Schumer, and the rest of their ilk are products of their "prehuman ancestors". The rest of us are children of God. We aren't done with even the first paragraph. I suggest you gird your loinage area if proceeding.

"[S]hared decision-making is likely to be of great importance for the evolution of stable social organizations, explaining why it appears to be common in social animals," biologists Larissa Conradt and Timothy Roper wrote in a 2007 study, "Democracy in animals." Most species don't belabor politics like humans do, but our democratic roots can be seen across the animal kingdom — which, in many cases, is more like an animal republic.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG POST to bring you this urgent disclaimer by announcing that your blog host was unsuccessful in reading his own linked story in its entirety, and so therefore any opinions and conclusions cannot be relied upon or used as source material in any major college theses... Unless you want an 'A+'.

If you proceed to the next slide after the intro, you learned that "the red deer of Eurasia live in large herds, spending lots of time either grazing or lying down to ruminate."

In other words, they sound like your typical democrat voter base, laying around eating Cheetos while watching Oprah on TV.
Scientists have noticed that herds only move when 60 percent of the adults stand up. However, if only 48% of the red deer herd stands, the rest are called "hanging chads" and not allowed to play in any Red Deer games.

In fairness to the red deer, it's not a complete analogy, for they are producing something of value. If you watch them closely, you seem them manufacturing meat for human consumption. Therefore, they are not a complete drain on nature and I take back my original disparaging remarks.

That's all the time we have, folks. I have to go to work to produce meat for my family's table. We'll ruminate more tomorrow.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Trump and 11-yr-old Frankie helps Rand finish mowing his lawn after nut job democrat attack

Sen. Rand Paul attacked by neighbor while mowing lawn at his Kentucky home

Chattering Teeth News - Senator Rand Paul was blindsided and assaulted by his neighbor, a 59-yr-old retired Democrat doctor named Rene Boucher, while he was mowing his lawn. It is unknown at this time what set this dude off, or if having a girl's first name contributed to his rage, but it has been reported that the two have had an ongoing feud.

Obviously, the guy has a few screws loose.

I could hypothetically understand administering a blind flying tackle to knock my neighbor off of his tractor mower if he happened to be mowing his lawn before noon on a weekend - but reports state this attack happened around 3:20pm. 

Maybe the guy was upset with Sen. Paul because he would only mow his own yard and not his neighbor's - You know how democrats insist on taking the goods and services of hard working Americans for themselves.

It has not been reported anywhere, so it is not clear if this doc Butcher screamed the popular Antifa chant of 
"NO USA AT ALL" he launched himself  on the diminutive constitutional conservative.

Trump offered Rand the use of the 11-yr-old 6TH-grade Virginian boy named Frank, the official White House lawn mower. He also tweeted that Rand Paul's nut job democrat neighbor and attacker should get the death penalty.

“President Trump, where is your leadership?” Chucky Schumer said.

CNN's Jake Tapper reports, "...sometimes the phrase 'NO USA AT ALL' is said under the most beautiful of circumstances."


Friday, November 3, 2017

Donna Brazile digs up and dances with Hillary's campaign corpse

Dancing With the Dead involves a bizarre tradition whereby families dig up the bodies of their dead relatives and then dance with the corpses in the streets, and shockingly this macabre practice may be spreading the black plague in Madagascar.

In other news, Donna Brazile admits the DNC rigged the nomination for Hillary Clinton.

Well that escalated quickly.

Thursday, November 2, 2017


PICTURED: Obama Bans Selfies at The Obama Foundation Summit - and then starts throwing islamic finger salutes and Chicago gang signs.

ACTUAL fake AUDIO of Obama re-enacting people coming up to him and wanting to get his photograph...

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Tiny House Halloween

Urban teenager regrets his decision to spend his last time trick-or-treating on Halloween by getting dropped off at the tiny houses village community on the outskirts of town. The good news is that he and his friends were able to break their old record of number of houses visited to maximize their Halloween take. The bad news is they only scored pillow cases full of dried chickpeas, soy nuts, freeze-dried Kale, and probiotic yogurt pops.