Friday, June 30, 2017

Thursday, June 29, 2017


(CNN) - Unnamed and anonymous sources are telling CNN reporters that waffle batter, maple syrup and butter are likely underneath the Yellowstone volcano, and if it blows, it would cover the entire United States in deliciousness. The source of the hotspot is now thought to be a gigantic waffle iron.

The Yellowstone volcano has exploded in the past, and CNN scientist reporters now say that the high-fat breakfast waffles likely killed the dinosaurs from arteriosclerosis and heart disease.

NEXT WEEK: Large Donut Asteroid Hurtling Toward Planet

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

CNN - "News In, News out"

So epic...

Undercover Video: CNN Producer Says #TrumpRussia Hoax Is 'Mostly Bull****'

Most people don't understand the complexities of running a huge, fancy 'news' gathering operation like CNN. 
A seemingly inexhaustible number of sources dump their stories at CNN headquarters 24/7!
An army of reporters and editors tirelessly paw through the raw information looking for anything that might drive ratings for their indoctrinated and clueless audience.
Hey, you never know when you might need to tap that old propaganda again!
BONIFIELD: I love the news business, but I’m very cynical about it and at the same time so are most of  my colleagues. I’m not alone.... 

I sit in the running shower while sobbing and hugging my knees cuz I just can't seem to wash this stink off...

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

DaBlade on a Plane

20-pound live lobster found in luggage at Boston airport

BOSTON (AP) — The Transportation Security Administration says a 20-pound (9-kilogram) live lobster has been spotted in a passenger's luggage at Boston's Logan International Airport. TSA spokesman Michael McCarthy says the lobster found Sunday in the passenger's checked luggage at the airport's Terminal C is the "largest" he's ever seen... McCarthy says the lobster was in a cooler and "cooperated quite nicely with the screening process."
Thankfully, the giant stick of butter perp was released after greasing several TSA hands and was on his way.

Monday, June 26, 2017

SHOCKING! Justice Kennedy Retiring in Middle of the Road?

Will Justice Anthony Kennedy announce his retirement today (or this week)?

Margaret Thatcher is quoted as saying, “Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.”  She, of course, was alluding to the wishy-washy, half-baked ideological centrists and not about homeless former moderate senile justices who wander in traffic.

 Kennedy has always been known as the "swing vote" on contentious high-profile cases when the court has been split between those who have a fit of inspiration to follow the Constitution and the cRa CrA's on the left. In rare cases, Kennedy would side with the conservative wing, but more often than not was a cheerleader for the social justice warrior leftist 'progressives'.

 “The cases swing, I don’t,” he once said. I don't know what that means (except that Kennedy is a closet crack smoker), but all us conservatives can agree that Kennedy is the late, Great President Reagan's biggest "swing and a miss."

 In fairness to the Great Ronald Reagan, back in those days it was deemed necessary to nominate a judge with a very limited and uncontroversial record for any hopes of securing the three-fifths vote required for confirmation. Apparently, Kennedy was an unknown even to Reagan.

 President Trump is no longer constrained by that nonsense, as the so-called 'nuclear option' is already a precedent with the Neil Gorsuch confirmation. Gorsuch was a gimmee for Trump, as he replaced the dependable conservative Scalia. If Trump gets to replace the limp-wristed Kennedy - and he does so with a REAL CONSTITUTIONAL conservative? - now THAT would TRULY BE WINNING. 

And that's the memo.

 Now this (faux news):

 Justice Kennedy is not only known as the "swing vote", he is also known in his circle as the "Wild and crazy SCHWING vote". The late Antonin Scalia is known to have had a platonic friendship with the ideological opposite and mental inferior Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but does Kennedy have an inappropriate physical relationship with the Notorious RBG?

 His inside knowledge of her nightly habits suggests that he does. 

 "She's a real babe," Kennedy tells CT News. "I found it real sexy how she would slump over in her chair and snore during presidential speeches or when we were in session and hearing a very important case. I later learned that the reason she slept during work all day was because she stayed awake all night," he *winked*.

At first, I thought Ruthy was a narcoleptic who suffered from insomnia. Turns out she's just nocturnal due to the bat blood infusions she takes every night. Why do you think she has lasted so long? 


Saturday, June 24, 2017

Johnny Depp and Kathy Griffin are like a lunch of Braunschweiger and New Coke

Have you ever sworn off a business or a product in the past because of a bad experience or poor customer service? Did you keep your promise?

I don't mean a vow involving a product like New Coke, Braunschweiger or any kind of Miller beer. I mean for something (or somewhere) that you really enjoyed in the past, and leaving them would be a personal sacrifice of some magnitude.

The good folks in the office where I work like to order lunch from different area restaurants, then send one person to do the pickup. "Do you want something from (fill in the blank)?," they'll ask, as lunch time looms near. I never eat takeout at lunch (and rarely ever), and just snack on whatever the wife packed for for me at my desk.

That doesn't stop them from politely asking, so a few months back I was asked, "Do you want something from Red Lobster?"

Maybe I was a little too spirited in my response, which is typically, "no, thank you," but this time was something like, "F&*% NO! I WON'T EVER GO TO THAT PIECE OF S#$% ^&*&ing GARBAGE RESTAURANT EVER AGAIN!"

I then had to explain my outburst and that I had sworn off of The Red Lobster about 30-some years ago (no shit) because of verrrry poor customer service two trips in a row. I had no illusions that my self-imposed boycott would in any way negatively affect The Red Lobster's business, I just knew that I wouldn't personally reward them with my business and that was good enough for me.

So I ask again -
Have you ever sworn off a business or a product in the past because of a bad experience or poor customer service?

I tend to keep my promises on such matters. Also on my short Black List is the so-called Farmer's Market in downtown Flint, but I've already told that story.

In fact, I have only been to downtown Flint twice (unavoidable) since early 2010 when I was terminated from that failed ^&*&ing GARBAGE newspaper.

One exception might be my backing off from a promise to stop going to Target after that whole bathroom confusion thing. However, it's just too convenient from my place of work when I need a can of mixed nuts (no pun intended - this is really why I go there).

Which brings us to the so-called actor Johnny Depp and his recent threat against President Trump.

"When was the last time an actor assassinated a president? I want to clarify: I'm not an actor. I lie for a living, however, it's been a while. Maybe it's about time."

Mr. Depp, I agree. You are no actor, and therefore you have made my list. Although, I must say - this isn't a huge sacrifice as you are closer to "New Coke". As I scan you body of work on IMBD, I am hard pressed to find more than a couple of movies any good. So, no big loss.

Hey, 'Blade, you are such a hypocrite! The majority of Hollywood and the music industry are libs and you still watch their movies and listen to their music!

Yes, but its MY list, and I can put any 'thing' or any 'body' on it I want. Besides, Depp distinguished himself much like that red-haired biotch Kathy Griffin. They have crossed the line for those of us desiring to live in a civil society.

In all honesty, I did like that first Pirates movie, but could never watch any of the others in their muddled and confused entiriety. Also, his portrayal of Jack Sparrow as a gay pirate wore thin quickly with me. Seriously, the effeminate bandana and black eyeliner, braided wispy goatee and dreadlocks riddled with wooden pandora beads...

Pirate?  That's no pirate. More like 'Pyrite,' or fool's gold. More like a pitch man for Target.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Man-made Global Summer Solstice

Today is the summer solstice, the unofficial first day of summer and the longest day of the year. I don't know about you, but I plan on spending my extra sunlight researching ways to combat this celestial annual scourge, and how to punish and ostracize the Man-made Global Summer Solstice deniers.

"DaBlade, what is this summer soul sista of which you speak, and what does 'Itchi gitchi ya ya da da' even mean?"
Not 'soul sista', you marmalade maroon. Solstice! And it is when the face of the Earth experiences maximum incline toward the sun. More sun might sound just peachy at first blush, but somewhere in the arctic (where the sun will not set at all) sits a lone polar bear on a melting iceberg - AND HE FEELS DIFFERENTLY, I assure you!

You see, Rusty, Earth tilts on it's axis while orbiting around the sun like an Irishman teetering home after a long night of too many pints at the pub.

"Go home, Earth. You're drunk."

The Earth is drunk, indeed. The deniers would have you believe the Earth's wobble was caused by our planet colliding with some other massive object billions of years ago, back when it was still being formed. Now THAT is FAR-FETCHED! The Earth started wobbling in 2008 with election of Barack Obama.

Insisting that man is not the cause of the Earth tilting is like stating that man isn't in charge of the weather or of the climate. PREPOSTEROUS! like somehow the climate has magically always changed.

"So how, then, does man cause this wobble?"

It is caused by fossil fuels.

Specifically, the wobble is caused by irregular placements of crude oil, coal and natural gas in the ground. The only solution to stop this tilt is by evening out the Earth's weight.

"Redistribution of fossil fuel wealth?"

Exactly! By the redistribution of fossil fuels through capitalist incentives involving drilling, fracking, mining, etc., to refining facilities and then distributed to homes and cars and cities, we can even out the planet's weight and STOP THE TILT!

I have also noticed a side-effect of the tilt, coupled with the centrifugal force of the Earth's rotation. These unnatural forces have inordinately displaced democrats and liberals of every ilk to both coasts. I theorize this to be due to a liberal's weightless environment that is their vacuous and foundation less intellect. They are as powerless as helium balloons in a windstorm against these forces.

Therefore, I propose relocating all liberals to the absolute geographic center of the contiguous United States, which apparently is some corn field in northern Kansas. Only then can we protect them by enclosing them in the safety of a large circular wall until we can stop the Earth from tilting and spinning.

Once the Earth is cured of this vertigo-inducing tilt and is sufficiently tidal locked, we can relocate the liberals to the perpetual dark side of the planet. Maybe THEN the state of Michigan will not have to pay for this extra sunshine with 9 months of steel gray overcast skies.

But until then, you can find me reading my Kindle in my pool while floating on a raft constructed of foam noodles.

"Hey sista, go sista, summer soul sista, go sista!"
"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Happy Father's Day

Feeling nostalgic and missing my dad. Was going through old photos on the computer this morning and not intending to post anything, but ran across the following and it's too good not to share. I only wish it included my big sister (2nd in the birth order) and mom.

(See if you can spot your blog host in his 'yute'... 1967-ish?)
 Clue: Think "Lloyd Christmas" in Dumb and Dumber. Go ahead. Take your shots people :)

Lost my dad in early 1990, shortly after losing my baby brother sporting the PEANUTS sweatshirt. Miss them both but hope to see them again.

Need to get ready for noon Mass. My 2-month-old baby granddaughter is getting baptized today!! God is good!... ALL THE TIME.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Polluted Water Popsicles

100 popsicles made with trash- and sewage-filled water
The Polluted Water Popsicles project is meant to shock viewers into realizing how serious water contamination is in Taiwan.

Three university students in Taiwan have come up with an unusual way to draw attention to the huge problem of water pollution. As part of the Polluted Water Popsicles Project, the students traveled to 100 different locations throughout the country to collect water samples and turn them into frozen popsicles. These popsicles were then copied into 1:1 transparent poly resin models (non-melting!), packaged in beautiful wrappers, and labeled with their origin.
My initial reaction when I looked at this photo was, "YUM!". Then I read the article, and my second reaction was, ""Awww shoo... Imma get me a carton, yo!". But then again, I'm from Flint, and honestly, those Taiwan-sicles look DELISH, umkay!!!?

Speaking of poopsicles: More charges expected in Flint water crisis probe

Dear Chattering Teeth reader(s),
If you(s) don't hear from me for a while, it iz likely because I was charged, probed and incinerated incarcerated for colluding with lead in my water. As drinkeder of Flint water for half a century, I feelz no ill effects (according to my contemporaneous notes I took after every gulp). Still, I have to recuse myself from this latest probe. Loretta Lynch met me on the tarmac at Bishop airport and said that - until all Democrats are cleared - pleez call it a "Flint water MATTER".

In the meantime, I have the Flint River-sicles all poored into the molds and sitting in my freezer for future commerce and windfall of wealth. Next time you see me, I will likely be wearing a bejeweled cape and sporting a fedora with a large pigeon feather and leaving a trail of dollar bills falling from my trench like leaves in autumn...

btw... overnight and still sludge... WHY WON'T THIS SH*& FREEZE!? 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Chattering Teeth Blog Nominated for Paul Revere Award

What!? This blog has been nominated for the Paul Revere Award this year. Per the sponsoring blog Political Clown Parade, "The Paul Revere Award is dedicated to those bloggers who hold down jobs and raise their families while standing guard over liberty."

Poll Is Now Open: Begin Voting For The Fifth Annual Paul Revere Award
Thanks, guys, for including me on this prodigious list of blogiliciousness. It truly is an honor. I'd like to thank all of the bots for the fake hit count, and all the good folks who googled "why do my dog's teeth chatter" and regret clicking the link here. You ALL deserve to share in this award.

This nomination comes at a time when my blogging is becoming more sporadic and infrequent due to the busy schedule of late. This is only my fifth post so far this month, down from a 2017 high in January of 23 total posts. I am left to conclude that the rarer my posts become, the more the need for rewarding this lack of effort.

That being the case, please head on over to the Political Clown Parade and vote for Chattering Teeth blog. I have no chance of winning (based on the competition), but if my vote total reaches double digits, I vow to blog even more meagerly during the summer months.

You are allowed to vote only once, but for as many blogs as you wish, so vote for my friends who also were nominated. Z at GeeeZ, Kid at Diary of a Right Wing Pussycat, and Ypsi Ed at Not Of This World. The list is missing a few of my favorites, but I won't treat you any differently (even though I'm better than you).

"When I'm on the can in the morning, I always steer my browser to the Chattering Teeth Blog to help me get things moving in the morning." - President Trump

NAVIN JOHNSON (Steve Martin): The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! I'm somebody now! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need! My name in print! That really makes somebody! Things are going to start happening to me now.

Voting will close at 11:30 PM ET on Saturday, June 17.

Please pick up any hanging chads on your way out.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Obstruction of Traffic

Sorry Ypsi Ed. Ya snooze, ya lose!
We are just a couple hours from the big show. Can't you just feel the Democrats wringing their collective hands in anticipation and hopes for gathering evidence for a Trump Impeachment?  I predict they will be sore losers.

I also predict that James Comey will frustrate and drag out the proceedings by insisting on taking  notes on each and every statement and question directed at him and posting in his over-sized scrap book before answering.

I also dreamt that Trump's twitter account was surreptitiously wired to a hidden shock collar on comey's "private server" (if you're picking up what I'm laying down). 

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Kathy Griffin Takes Responsibility For Iran Attack!

Chattering Teeth News - There was a suicide attack at an Iranian mausoleum, and the no-talent red-haired comedian Kathy Griffin has taken responsibility. Reports are sketchy (I only read the headlines), but by most accounts the shriveled corpse of Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini is still dead. The Chattering Teeth Bunker, Bar & Target Range will be handing out sweets to the children all day today while supplies last.

Hat tip to the Sunni jihadi who hated Shia Iran so much that he detonated his suicide belt at Khomeini’s tomb. That's some hate dedication! Reminds me of an oldie but goodie.

Q: Why do they put fences and armed guards around Iranian cemeteries?
A: Because suicide bombers are dying to get in.

Apparently, the suicide bomber also took out a security guard and a gardener who weren't yet dead. This could be devastating to the Iranian progress toward ability to check that the tomb doors are locked periodically, and for regular watering of the flowers to keep them from reverting back to sand boxes.

More, as the story develops...

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

London's Muslim Mayor Lowers Threat Level to "Lady Londonderry”

Today's Top Story around the water cooler at the Chattering Teeth Bunker, Bar, Spa & Target Range:
The London mayor, Sadiq Khan, (Peace be unto him) demands the British government issue a travel ban against Donald Trump for his mean tweets.

We may never know their motives.

First, I admit to not realizing London's “pathetic excuse” mayor was a muslim. What? Was he educated in his youth at an Indonesian Madrassa, I wonder?

I also had no idea the British threat Level scale used various British Teas to keep their unarmed citizenry sufficiently limp and languid. I had always assumed it was based on crumpets and scones, but no sense getting the works all stopped up.

 As the Moozlim London mayor, Sadiq Khan (Peace be unto him), says... “no reason to be alarmed!”

People of Britainistan,
We here at Chattering Teeth are with you, and we pray for the victims and their families at the hands of those Islamo-goat fu*&ers. It is your apologist government we have issue with. Unlike France AND french people, we like you, the British people. You gave us The Beatles... Monty Python and Bennie Hill... probably some other stuff too.  We're cousins, after all. We got yer back.

now for our seeing-impaired readers.
British threat Level scale

English Evening
A flavorful blend, light and brightly colored evening tea

Earl Grey
Queen’s favorite - silvertip Ceylon & the oil of Bergamot

Scottish Breakfast
Malty taste with a full bodied character and hints of oak

Lady Londonderry
Good flowery, malty cup with hints of strawberry and lemon

Queen Elizabeth
Floral notes, lovely by itself or with added milk & sugar