Thursday, October 31, 2013

Hey der! yous put dat candy back down der ya big fatty, or inta da wood chipper ya go der!

 By now, you've probably heard about that Candy Nazi lady from Fargo, North Dakota who plans on passing out letters to the fat kids instead of candy this Halloween. Chattering Teeth sent a reporter there and found something much more frightening from a nearby neighbor with a wood chipper displayed in her front yard. Here is the first look at the letter this lady plans on passing out to the obese children in her neighborhood tonight. I believe there is a future position as a Navigator for this lady in the Obamacare network.


You are probably wondering why your child has dis note. Ever hear da saying, "It takes a village to raise a child"?  Yah y'betch yah? Well did yer kid EAT da village? When Coach Herb Brooks said, "The legs feed da wolf" in dat Miracle movie, did your boy run out and eat da wolf an den de entire hockey team ta boot? Uf Da!

Seriously, your kid so fat dat when he come Trick-Or-Treatin, he had so many double chins I thought he was dressed up like a pancake stack. Nice costume by the way, him just wearing a GoodYear hat; he looked just like a blimp. A Goodyear blimp floatin' a stack of pancakes, UFF DA! Also, tell your kid he's doing it wrong when he rings my bell and screams, ""Trick or Meatloaf!"

Your child's fingers look like large saaaausages, in my opinion, and should not be consuming sugar treats to the extent of some children this Halloween season. NO CANDY FOR YOU DIS HALLOWEEN!

If yous have a problem with this letter, feel free to come over der and inta da wood chipper ya go der!


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

If you like your bikini, you will be able to keep your bikini. Period.

Present day debate:
At a recent presser, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney is asked (by Ed Henry for Fox News of course) whether or not the White House concedes there are winners and losers under the Obamacare mandates...

ED: A 56-year-old woman in Florida says she was paying $50 per month for health insurance, now its going to be $500 per month, and she said, quote, "What I have right now is what I'm happy with. I just want to know why I can't keep what I have." What's your response?

JAY: (A Chattering Teeth between-the-lines paraphrase) I don't know that particular woman's circumstance, but rest assured the IRS has been ordered to look into it. If her social media and voting record is deemed worthy, she will get a subsidy from the boss. However, if she doesn't keep her trap shut, I can't promise she will get that subsidy. Now let me evade your tough queeries and try to spin my way out by blathering on with the administartion's talking points.

While its true that a few million folks will be receiving cancellation letters for their health insurance under Obamacare, it is for their own good!

“I understand that there are existing plans that are so bare bones, they don’t provide adequate coverage.”

What gives these 67% of folks the idea they should have the freedom to choose their own health care coverage? We are simply making them pay ten times more for coverage they don't want but we decide they need.

Some time in the near future, during Obama's third or fourth term, after MICHELLE LAW has been imposed. Martial Law sounded so harsh, after all, and contained no elements of Shariah.

A 26-year-old woman in Florida is surprised to learn she will be forced into unwanted additional mandated coverage...

Carney conceded that some people will be required to switch from beach wear that doesn't meet minimum standards under Obamacare.

The Obamanator is out there. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you have adequate coverage.

guess who got an exemption?


Sunday, October 27, 2013

Obama drops new Marine girly hat mandate - but still insists all male warriors must wear rouge.

The Obama-mandated uni-sex "girly" hats have been roundly rejected by the Marines.

They also didn't care for the new Obama-mandated Marine Hyme (replacing the Halls Of Montezuma)

From the Malls to Saks Fifth Avenue
To the Stores of Gucci;
We will fight our country's battles
But first let's go boutique;
Exfoliate and foundation;
Wen to keep us tangle-free;
Mascara, blush and manicured cuticles;
We're United States Marines

uhhh... YaHooo.. ey Rah!?

I know it would have made Gomer Pyle happy. Maybe Obama (The Boogie-woogie Bugle Boy from out Chicago way) will have an easier time transgending the Army?

He was a Community Organizer from out Chicago way
He had a boogie style that no one else could play
He was the top man at his craft
But then the vote numbers came up and he was gone with the daft
He's in the White House now, a-blowin' our economy
He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B

Loved me the Andrews sisters, but a battalion of like-dressed Boy Georges?

The few. The proud. The... sisters?

All kinds of weather
We stick together
The same in the rain or sun
Two different faces
But in tight places
We think and we act as one... uh-huh

Could be that Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger was just ahead of his time. Then again, I don't see Obama the Bugle Boy having any more success feminizing the Army either.

That leaves the Navy  "A Global Force for Fashion?" and the Air Force “Aim High... Brow-Pluck-Thin”?????

I don't think so. There is too much honor, integrity and history in all four branches for the likes of the Bugle Boy to make any headway in reshaping into his own image. 

Now, his Civilian Transgender National Security Force is a whole other story.  
Drop your socks and... set your clocks. The Bugle Boy ain't done yet.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The President's Obamacare Rose Garden word fertilizing inspires my new hit musical

Obama's actual Rose Garden remarks regarding the epic failure of the rollout of his signature health care legislation yesterday proves once again that the reality of rhetoric that effervescents out of this community organizer's piehole is at least as strange as any fiction I can imagine.

Once again, Obama is in full campaign mode, seemingly forgetting he's president and this mess is HIS creation.
“There's no sugarcoating it: The website has been too slow; people have been getting stuck during the application process and I think it's fair to say that nobody's more frustrated by that than I am... there's no excuse for the problems. And these problems are getting fixed.”

Any time obama speaks before his state-controlled press, they appear to actually eat his superfluousness like a line of zombies eating live rats through the chain-linked fencing. (I often think of progressives when watching AMC's Walking Dead). Heck, even one of his human props on stage behind him dropped like she took a crossbow bolt to the inner-cerebellum from Daryl.

Obama then presented an alternative to the Walkers unable to breach the barbed wire barrier that is  Just use your Obamaphone and dial his call center (think animated severed heads in a fish tank on the other end of the line):
"you can get your questions answered by real people 24 hours a day in 150 different languages."

What he didn't say was that the severed heads would be speaking those 150 different languages simultaneously, and would be in your heads long after the call disconnected.

"We ALL float down here..."

Here is the actual script used at the Obamacare 1-800 hotline...

“Thanks for your interest in the health insurance marketplace. We are having a lot of visitors trying to use our website right now. This is causing some glitches for some people trying to create an account or log in. Keep trying and thanks for your patience. You might have better success during off-peak hours like later at night or early in the morning. We’ll continue working to improve the site so you can get covered.”

In his defense, with job creation and devastating unemployment numbers under this administration, "off-peak hours" are not as well defined as they used to be.

One good thing that came from Obama's Rose Garden word fertilizing. It gave me this great idea for a musical.

The Muse Sick Man - synopsis (so far)
The plot concerns con man Hussein Hill, who poses as a band community organizer and leader and sells band instruments and uniforms to the naive Iowa townsfolk, promising to train the members of the new band. But Hussein is no musician and plans to skip town without giving any music lessons.

Here's the first musical number I'm working on...

Glitches in Washington City

Oh, we got glitches
Right here in Washington City
With a capital 'G' and that rhymes with 'B' and that
stands for...

Well, that's all I have so far.

I was sharing this idea with an ex-buddy of mine. I say "ex" because he accused me of stealing my original idea from some old musical called Music Man. Not even close! After reading the wiki, I learned that Harold shoots pool while Hussein plays golf!

C'mon man! I'm sorry, I just don't see the similarities.

Read what the critics are saying about the Chattering Teeth blog!

"DaBlade is the 'Andy Heller' for Flint conservatives." - Blog-a-licious

"His bombastic magniloquence makes Rush Limbaugh sound like Steven Wright on Quaaludes." - Gullible Gabe

"I wrote that dude a letter once." - Steve Martin

Monday, October 21, 2013

Obama's Rose Garden Remarks on the Affordable Care Act - "I DIDN'T BUILD THAT!"

President Obama "will directly address the technical problems" with the ObamaCare website during a Rose Garden event this morning, and Chattering Teeth Studios has been forwarded an advance copy of the president's speech.

I stand here in the Rose Garden today joined by a dozen folks who will claim under oath thaaaat... despite the propaganda from Fox News, Ted Cruz and those Tea Party terrorists, they have successfully logged in to the HealthCare Dot Gov website, provided all of their personal information, and are now officially lined up in our cyber-waiting room anticipating their turn for free healthcare. Let's meet a few of these fine folks. Please welcome Boguslaw Dudek, who reportedly was able to access the website from a Connecticut Community Center with the help of a team of Washington Navigators... Wait, "Boguslaw" is his real name?

Now, before I move on, let me just say that if I were the owner of that name, and I knew that my name — even if it had a storied history — was offending a sizable group of people, I'd think about changing it. Therefore, The Washington Navigators will simply be referred to from here on as simply "The Navigators". What do you think of that Mister Boguslaw?

Welcome also to Sum Ting Wong, a graduate from MIT with a Doctoral in Management Information Systems, who claims to have bypassed the crashed and defunct website by finding the super secret backdoor password  to our exchange. Each citizen and/or undocumented voter up here represents maybe another dozen across the country who are now officially waiting in our cyber-waiting room, we have jokingly named Cyber-Purgatory.

Thaaaat said... we can do better. The rollout of the Obamacare website has been an epic failure of historic proportions. We have had over 3 years to get Obamacare ready, and have charged almost $One Billion Dollars on a credit card from the Bank of China in the name of our children to finance this unworkable website. That’s irresponsible. It’s unpatriotic.

Let me be clear. I am not talking about my role in this debacle, or my perfectly fine rebuilt Tandy 1000 Obamacare server. I aaaam, of course, talking about the inferior and imperfect internet thaaaaat supports my perfect and superior vision.

After all, the internet is not a big truck, it's a series of tubes. It is a network of electronic roads and bridges, and I DIDN'T BUILD THAT!! Apparently, the mess that is the internet that my administration inherited from George Bush is even worse than we thought.

For that reason, I have unilaterally decided by executive order the approval of another few $Trillion for an emergency Tech surge . The Tech Surge is contingent upon the immediate granting of full amnesty to the millions of undocumented workers and assign them the job that no other Americans apparently want. Thats right. They will be recalled from the hotel laundry rooms and acres of farmland from across this country and charged with fixing the Obamacare computer thingy. An infrastructure upgrade, the likes of which this country has never seen! A complete overhaul to the internet, which will be know from here on as the Obamanet, as well as the expected bribes to union thugs and other money laundering kick-back schemes I have perfected.

Let me wrap up by recognizing that many of my Republican opponents are demanding answers from Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, and her role with these failed exchanges. Lets make this simple. The answer is "no" because "I won".

If it makes my opponents feel any better, Ms Sebelius will be punished. Sure, Obamacare is unworkable and built to collapse, but the plan was for more that a F%#@ing dozen people to sign up before it did! How else am I supposed to pave the way for my Single Payer system to come to the rescue?

Sebelius has the distinction of being one of the highest ranking Catholics in my Administration who is forbidden to receive Holy Communion just because she supports a woman's right to chose to suffocate her baby and carry it around in a shopping bag at a New York City lingerie store.  Taking a lead from the Catholic Church, I now forbid Sebelious the right to receive any more abortions - which as you know, is the Progressive left's unholy sacrament. Not that anyone is about to hit that old bag, so I doubt she'll be punished with a baby anytime soon.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a tee time I need to get to.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Obamacare WarGames - The Movie!

I have this idea for a movie remake of one of my all time favorites - WarGames!

I usually don't like remakes of any sort, whether it be for classic movies or for original songs. I mean, is there anyone who demanded to hear Uncle Kracker's "updated version" of Dobey Gray's classic, Drift Away? As for movie remakes, Matthew Broderick's 1988 remake of Godzilla seems to find its way on to most "worst" lists. Sometimes its not about a better costume.

Not to disparage Matthew Broderick and his fine body of work. Seriously. If Ferris Bueller's Day Off is not on YOUR "best movies ever" list, we have nothing more to say to each other. Go back to your iPod Uncle Kracker playlist and drift away. Better yet, make like Metallica, and Turn The Page.

That said, a movie remake can be an improvement as long as the technology and upgraded cinematography doesn't dillute or detract from the unique vision that made the original great. That is to say, as long as its done artfully. Yes, when I say "artfully", I am refering to that great 2011 remake masterpiece, Arthur. For my money (free On Demand) Russell Brand's stunning thespianic vision of a vomiting drunken millionaire playboy is much more believeable than Dudley Moore's.

Which brings me to my top classic Matthew Broderick movie from 1983 that I believe is dying to be remade, albeit with a few minor plot twists and updated scenarios.

War Games, the REMAKE! Let's recap and contrast...

In the original movie, a young hacker unwittingly accesses a United States military supercomputer and almost unleashes global thermonuclear war.

In my remake, a young progressive hacker SOMEHOW (and against all odds) negotiates the internet traffic bottleneck and accesses the Obamacare website without it immediately crashing, and almost successfully signs up for a federally-sponsored insurance exchange (before realizing it was NOT FREE!)

In the original WarGames, David Lightman (Broderick) connects his home computer with WOPR (War Operation Plan Response), a NORAD Cray 2, a supercomputer with four vector processors built with emitter-coupled logic and capable of 1.9 GigaFLOPS at peak performance.

In my remake, the progressive Lightweight connects his home computer with WHORE (White House Obamacare Response Exchange), a rebuilt Tandy 1000. Inside this slightly battered desktop server you'll find an overclocked Intel 8088 CPU (and external 5.25 floppy drive) capable of... err... well, we don't really know the full capability of the server housing this $634 MILLION website - but the demand must be there for it to go down faster than a democrat intern in the oval orifice. Or Sandra Fluke with a purse full of publicly funded rubbers.

Check out this exciting beta script preview!

Scene: Our hero accesses the  HealthCare dot Gov website seemingly when no one else can by guessing the "backdoor" password. In the original movie, our hero gains access to WOPR when he accurately guesses the password as "Joshua", the name of the deceased son of the computer's programmer.

In my remake, our hero gains access to WHORE by correctly guessing the password as "SandraFluke", the Georgetown Law student obsessed with the twisted and macabre desire for unwilling Catholics to pay for her contraception and abortions. Immediately, his computer speakers emit a lispy, yet mechanical rendition of congressman Barney Frank's voice.

WHORE: Hewwo! Welcome Profethor Falcon, I thee you've found my backdoor you naughty boy. Shall we thign you up for Health Care?

David Lightweight: [typing] Uhhh... sorry bro. I'm not Falcon, I just stole his EBT Debit card. I thought this was my Candy Crush app. Shall we play a game?

WHORE: Wouldn't you prefer we thign you up for Health Care?

David Lightweight: [typing] Later. Let's play Candy Crush.

WHORE: Fine.

WHORE: Oh by the way, your refusal to sign up for mandatory health insurance online has resulted in a fine of over $4,000 dollars a year and will be taken directly from your bank account for your convenience... Ooops, I see you are currently short of funds. Be advised your drivers license has been suspended and a federal tax lien has been placed against your home. Now please enjoy your game of Candy Crush.

At this point, our hero freaks out and disconnects his computer. Fade out.

Fade in. The camera pans to the darkened corner of the basement beneath the West Wing of the White House, as the Tandy's processor whirs and sparks through dozens of calculations per hour as it slowly performs a solitary Candy Crush simulation, thereby locking out other potential website visitors. Fade out.

Scene: The War Room during the thick of the crisis (Obama not pictured. He is either napping or golfing, but at this point really, "what difference does it make?")

McKittrick: General, the WHORE has locked us out!
General Beringer: Michelle again?

McKittrick: No! The computer. It's sending random numbers to the Budget Office.

General Beringer: Just unplug the damn thing! The mainstream media would interpret any shutdown as the the Tea Party's fault!

McKittrick: That won't work, General. It has something to do with an angry and vengeful Obama (after losing his signature piece of crappy legislation) and his briefcase full of missile silo launch codes. He'd launch!

Meanwhile, Americans all across the country are learning the truth about Obamacare. Even the ones who voted for Obama and are suffering from the pre-existing condition "DumbAssitis" are starting to doubt. If the government can't even get their website working, how in the world can we expect them to run our country's health care system?  Can the Obamacare implosion be even worse than we thought?

But then, what's not to love? The coercive and vindictive government threatening and punishing citizens if they don't sign up for plans with exploding premiums and deductibles, on a website that doesn't work, and for plans they can't afford with their meager part time job incomes?

A strange game, Obamacare. The only winning move is not to play.

How about a nice game of Chess? We can use the 90-year-old WWII vets as Pawns. Or maybe you'd prefer a nice game of Benghazi?

Friday, October 11, 2013

GRIDLOCK IN GOMORRAH - Truckers To Shut Down America October 11-13

Ride For The Constitution Starts TODAY!

We've got a long way to go
and a short time to get there.
I'm east bound, just watch ol' "Bandit" run

DC traffic cams If you want to watch this show LIVE ACTION!
Uh oh! Looks like Smokey's got his ears on!
Just WHO is leading this convoy!?
Meanwhile, Obama is using a new litmus test for “determining who will stay and who must go” among top-ranked military leaders. Obama is asking officers if they will shoot an American if the command was given. The Government has purchased and hoarded enough bullets (body bags) to kill half the US population and he doesn't want it all to go to waste. Makes me think of that highway sniper some time back... what was his name? Malvo something? If Obama had a highway shooter, he would look like Malvo. Or, how about Malvobama?

Hey Malvobama, I wouldn't count on the military siding with you after the way you treated our 90-year-old WWII veterans by locking them out from their memorial while across the Mall the illegals were twerking the Washington Monument. The military owes you as much loyalty as you showed them in Benghazi. Oh, and I'm sure they have forgiven you for denying our fallen soldiers money for their funerals.
You, sir, are a disgrace! Suck on the fumes!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Just WHAT did George Bush do to BO, the Portugese Water Dog?

From The Onion
High-Powered Washington Fixer Tells Blood-Soaked Obama To Listen Carefully

The Beltway fixer, whose name remains unknown, asks the president to tell him everything that happened.

...a high-powered Washington fixer reportedly entered the White House at 11:35 p.m. Wednesday and told a blood-spattered President Obama to listen to what he said and listen very carefully.

“I’m here to help, Mr. President, but if we’re going to get you out of this mess in one piece, you need to do exactly what I tell you to do...”

It's obvious to anyone paying attention that the Beltway Fixer is a conglomerate of the lapdog media. I don't visit The Onion on a regular basis due to its leftward bent, but I believe they swerved into something here on this one that they probably don't even realize. Like all good satire, there has to be an element of truth, and Obama with bloody hands is perfect symbolism for everything he touches.

Speaking of lapdogs... where's BO, the First Pooch Portugese Water Dog? Mister president? What did you do with the pooch, and who's blood is on your hands?

Saturday, October 5, 2013

killing Carey

Obama open to name change for Washington Redskins?

Time for a little old fashioned compromise.

The football team will be renamed The Washington Navigators, but only if the name of their basketball team is changed back to The Bullets. They are already 1-0 against the unarmed mother drivers with a toddler suffering from Post Partum Depression. Even with Obama going 0-20 from the charity stripe.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Hello, this is your friendly ObamaCare Navigator, how may I assist you?

From "our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor" to "Our Obamafones, our free contraceptives, and our EBTs" -  a 200+ year journey

**RING** **RING** **RING**

Oops: MSNBC Anchor Can’t Access Obamacare Exchange

After failing to log in to the Obamacare Exchange web portal, MSNBC’s Mara Schiavocampo then called the help desk and was put on hold for 35 minutes trying to reach a Navigator.

“If I were signing up for myself, this is where my patience would be exhausted,” Schiavocampo said before she gave up.

OK, so there were a few "glitches" on Day One, but Castro didn't build the utopic Cuban health care system overnight. (just ask any Cuban refugee rubber raft immigrant) In fact, this is good news. Employment figures are sure to improve as Obama ramps up the public sector Navigator jobs. All we need is a swelling bureaucracy to meet the demand.

Remember, the reason so many were having problems getting through was because the lines were being tied up by millions of Obama voters. Let's listen in to some of these calls...

NAVIGATOR: Hello, this is Al-Shabab, and I'll be your Obamacare Customer Care Navigator Representative today. First, we need to set up you account. In case you lose your password "KENYANMALL", we ask some security questions. Therefore, I am going to ask you a series of questions about Islam that any good Muslim would know. I hope you know the answers or things could go very badly for you.

ObamaBot1: Yo, check dis out. I went in to order seven McDoubles and one McChicken and one fry, but when I got to my truck and I got ready to leave, I looked in my bag and come to find out I only had six McDoubles.

**RING** **RING** **RING**

NAVIGATOR: Help desk, what's your emergency?


Meanwhile, the Giant Pandas from the National Zoo have escaped and are still at large, and no bamboo shoot is safe. Mei Xiang and Tian Tian's escape was made possible due to the Republican-led government shut down. No funding, no Panda Cams, PROOF that the lack of constant surveillance can be dangerous. How was this considered non essential?! Thanks Tea Party!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013