Saturday, February 28, 2009

Sign of the times

MGM's 'golden eyes' billboards called sinister
The MGM Grand Casino has started a firestorm of backlash from a local minister who sees only Satan in this new "teaser" billboard off the Lodge Freeway in downtown Detroit.

The Rev. James A. Smith is mounting a campaign to have the sign removed, stating that it looked like a demon and was scaring the children. Yvette Monet, a spokeswoman for MGM Mirage, poo-pooed the whole demon angle and stated that the company was "excited to hear the ad is generating some buzz".

And then her head did a complete 360 while she projectile-vomited pea green soup.

I don't really get the billboard's tie-in with MGM. It seems like there would be a better way for the billboard to promote the casino than a huge pair of anonymous eyes on a black background. These eyes can be described as "dark and evil" and resemble a pair of snake eyes - which is a losing dice roll in craps. The subliminal marketing message seems to be...

"Come to our casino and crap out, you big loser!".

If I were in charge of this marketing campaign, I would want my billboard to project a message of HOPE to the commuters below. A message that promised them untold riches, all with little or no effort on their parts. Money for nothing! I would want the message to appeal the lowest common denominator in folks and "set the hook" so that they would believe that "Yes we can"! I would falsely promise to the penniless gamble-a-holic's that if they would continue to believe, then the casino would reward them with piles of cash! Money the casino would confiscate from other more successful gamblers and card sharks in order to give to them.

Of course my true efforts would be to remove as many folks from their money as possible and to get them to continue to throw good money after bad. My billboard will turn these commuters into willing supplicants as they sit on their behinds in my establishment and further empower me over their lives. Meanwhile, their fortunes circle the drain.

Hmmmm. What would this billboard look like?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Obama and his Royal Litter

Is that redundant?

Weren't we told that when The One assumed office, the war would end; all of our troops would come home and start building Biden's bridges; peace would break out and the world would love us again; the economy would rebound; we would close Guantanamo; we would grant constitutional rights to terrorist prisoners (or just release them outright); and there would be no more poverty?

By the way, when Obama assumed office, he made an ass of u and me.

Obama Repeats Soviet Missteps in Afghanistan
Obama talks about pulling out of Iraq to satisfy his liberal wingnuts that put him into office, while at the same time ratcheting up troops and costs in Afghanistan and setting us up for an endless war there. War casualties have continued to mount since Obama raised his right hand and mangled his "oaf", yet their is no insensitive mosaic of their pictures forming Obama's face on Michael Moore's website.

Guantanamo abuse worse since Obama
No surprise there. Torture is one of those stool legs he talked about, isn't it? I know I've been tortured since his coronation.

Wall Street shares have plunged since the messiah-in-chief's inauguration, and they continue to freefall (even after his little joint meeting of Congress). Every time Obama speaks, the Market tanks even further. It's no surprise, as the economy has been yoked with trillions more of debt in Obama's "New Deal II Marxist Recovery Plan".

The Obama presidency. Litter indeed.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


The messiah-in-chief addresses Congress for the first time. Woo hoo!

Of course, he screwed it up at the very beginning, just like he did when he took the oaf of office.

I was listening in on the car radio (I swear, 5 more minutes of Ann Compton's preamble and I would have purposefully swerved off the road!), so I was spared having to watch Obama do the long walk as he entered the chamber after the initial introduction. I'm sure many folks who fought their way to the aisle seats so they could be lucky enough to shake his highnesses hand were confused after they disengaged and there was no check made out to "cash" in their hand.

But I digress. Back to the long walk. We know how this is supposed to work, right? There is the initial introduction and the president enters to raucous bipartisan applause, shaking hands all the way to the podium. The president is supposed to stand there while the Speaker of the House does the second introduction, when the entire chamber vaults to their feet for a second standing ovation. Surely, Obama can get at least this much right, can't he?

No. Instead of waiting for the lidless Pelosi to weild her little hammer, Obama is immediately trying to start his speech.

MOTUS: "Madame speaker... Aaaaaand... thaaaaat..."

As I've said, I was in the car and I haven't watched any video of this. Did Joe The Biden clasped his hand over the MOTUS' mouth at this point? Did someone shut the power off for his teleprompter, leaving Obama temporarily speechless? What ever occured, he eventually allowed his second introduction to take place.

How could Obama screw this up? Apparently, he has never actually been present for one of these, or paid any attention to how they are supposed to work. Hmmmm... Maybe he really DIDN'T listen to Reverend Jeremiah Wright's hate-filled, racist and America-bashing sermons for those 20 years in "church".

Constitutional scholars state the flub is insignificant. "An honest mistake".

That's what was said after Obama flubbed the oath with Chief Justice Roberts. Obama took the oath again (without the Bible prop used earlier for the cameras) just to be sure. Remembering this strategy, Obama insisted on giving this address to Pelosi again later to an empty chamber, JUST to be sure the speech "took". This time he allowed Pelosi to give his second introduction without interruption, and just like the live speech, Pelosi was vaulting up and down while clapping and grinning like an idiot with every half-truth, falsehood, lie and utterance that escaped the messiah-in-chief's pie hole.

That's pretty much all I've got to say about that.

Joe "The feeble-minded democrat": Is that all you got 'Blade? All you can do is make fun of our President for this insignificant mistake? At least he ADMITS to his mistakes when he makes them, something Bush never did!

You mean the insignificant mistakes like filling his cabinet with tax cheats and crooks? Go back to your Kool-Ade feebleboy. This was a typical Obama campaign speech where he promises whatever it is his minions want him to promise. Everything from a new "kitchen sink" to "the check is in the mail!" All while cutting the deficit! It doesn't matter what he says, because it's mostly lies. I say "mostly", because occasionally he lets you glimpse his soul. Like this little diddy:

MOTUS: "A surplus became an excuse to transfer wealth to the wealthy instead of an opportunity to invest in our future."

A transfer of wealth to the wealthy? He must be talking about workers and business owners keeping more of what they earned in their paychecks and balance sheets and selfishly not giving it to the democrats to redistribute. Don't worry though. Obama is going to more than make up for it now...

MOTUS: "blah blah blah... Not because I believe in bigger government –- I don’t. Not because I’m not mindful of the massive debt we’ve inherited -– I am.

Words. Just words.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Obese man had to take rental truck to get to Cayuga County Court
How else is he going to transport the necessary quantity of Paczkis, those deep-fried, artery-clogging, jelly-filled donut beauties"? Talk about FAT TUESDAY...

Doug Llewelyn: Welcome to The People's Court TV Dinner. If someone files a lawsuit against you and you're convinced you've done nothing wrong, don't be intimidated. The best policy is to go to court and stand up for your rights...

It's time for the case of "Ironsides returns"...

JUDGE: Please deposit the defendant into the witness stand booth.
DEFENDANT: Your honor, may I approach the bench? *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* (sound of U-Haul backing up to bench).
JUDGE: How does your client plead?
PUBLIC DEFENDER: "Hungry" your honor.

Doug Llewelyn: Obviously, the defense rests. I know, I know. I object too.

Next week on Court TV Dinner...

Police: Army deserter — wearing thong — arrested in Boulder

I had to do a doubletake the first time I read that headline with "thong" and "boulder" in the same sentence. Thankfully, it was not the boulders that deserted (as far as I can tell).

The case of the camo-thonged boulders...
JUDGE: Counselor, why is your client wearing a thong in the courtroom? At least I am wearing a robe over mine. And please tell him that when the bailiff said "All rise!" a few moments ago, he DID NOT MEAN THAT!
PUBLIC DEFENDER: They are "Army camouflage" your honor, if that matters.
JUDGE: How does the client plea?
DEFENDANT: Same as you, your highness. I just whip it out and let her go right over the top of these bad boys!
JUDGE: That's "plea", not "pee" you idiot!
DEFENDANT: OH SUUURE! Desert from the Army only to be caught wearing a thong with panties stuffed in your pocket and suddenly now you're labeled?
PUBLIC DEFENDER: I don't suppose the jury would consider the possibility that the defendant is with special forces on a top secret mission called something like Operation Butt Crack Shield would they?

Doug Llewelyn: "Don't ask, don't tell". That brings us to our next case about that pyscho Suleman chick who just spit out eight babies for a grand total of 14 crumb crunchers (that she knows of). Just who is the baby daddy?
Man Gave Sperm 3 Times, Believes He May Be Octuplets' Dad

Doug Llewelyn: Doctor Otto? Is that you? If Octavius, the villain from Spider-Man Two fame, is the father of the octuplets, he might be the only one who stands a fighting chance keeping up with the diaper changes. But I guess we'll have to wait until next time to find out on Court TV Dinner. In the meantime, don't take the law into your own eight hands. Take 'em to court."

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Following Takes Place Between 6pm and 7pm

The search for Dubaku continues for Jack Bauer during happy hour in a popular Manhattan bar.
The tabloids paint Kiefer Sutherland as a wealthy industrialist, playboy, and philanthropist... errr... Wait! That's Bruce Wayne's bio. Keifer, Jack Bauer's alter-ego, is supposed to be some kind of drunk and spoiled Hollywood actor who only cares about himself. Yah, right! As if! What is it about the term UN-DER-CO-VER that you don't get!?
The 42-year-old actor, who plays Jack Bauer on the hit FOX-TV show 24, appeared "wasted" when he arrived at the popular Manhattan bar Peter Dillon's with friends on Feb. 12, the eyewitness told The ENQUIRER.

"He initially was soft-spoken, mellow and pleasant," said the eyewitness. "He was ordering Maker's Mark whiskey cocktails and was even posing for some pictures."

But it wasn't long before Kiefer, who has admitted to having a drinking problem, ran into trouble. According to the eyewitness, Kiefer exploded after another patron near the pool tables said something to the actor - and the two ended up in a pushing and shoving match.

"Pals had to hold Kiefer back from decking the guy," continued the eyewitness. "After the incident, Kiefer appeared disheveled and drunk and had to be helped out.

"He tripped twice on his way out the door, but was apologizing for his actions."

Kiefer grabbed a $20 bill from his pocket to leave as a tip and tried to throw it onto the bar as he left.

"But he was so wasted, he flung the bill and it landed nowhere near the bar," said the eyewitness.
Jack's pals had to hold him back from pummeling some terrorist as they helped him out of the war zone (Tony Almeida and Bill Buchanan no doubt), with Chloe O'Brian running the operation from a lap top in the parking lot. Being a true hero and man of honor, Jack pays the pool shark for his whispered tip of Dubaku's location by feigning like a drunk tipping the bartender as they hustle out the door.

Instead of getting the credit he deserves, Jack is shunned and treated like a pariah. Instead of decorations and awards, he is brought up on charges and forced to testify in front of congress and APOLOGIZE for keeping THEM safe! And does the MSM report the truth? Noooo! All we hear is that Keifer the playboy is in trouble again.


The sacrifices this man continues to make for his country are staggering.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Calling Doctor Howard!

Times really are crazy when I agree with any utterance coming out of crackpot George Soros' piehole. He is quoted as stating that the financial system "was placed on life support, and it's still on life support. There's no sign that we are anywhere near a bottom." George and I agree on this. We are peas and carrots when it comes to the dire situation we now find ourselves in. However, I will not be throwing back cold ones at the local watering hole with George Soros and Helen Thomas anytime soon. While I am distressed at our current plight, I picture a smirk on his pudgy red face as he rubs his hands together in glee at the prospects of the demise of free market capitalism.

The U.S. economy is like a patient in intensive care. The economy lays covered in white linen sheets on a stainless steel bed on wheels. The patient is surrounded by blinking monitors with medical personnel scurrying back and forth to the incessant beat of the EKG machine. It is touch and go for the patient, and a recovery will depend on three factors.

First, that this patient's loved ones pray that God help him recover from grievous injuries. I believe this country was founded under Divine Providence as a Christian nation. It is my hope we still have a necessary role to play in His plan, a role that can't be played if we allow ourselves to slide down the path of socialism and careen into it's abyss. For this reason, we must pray very hard that Obama fails.

Second, that the patient receive necessary care and proper medicines in time. uh oh, this one might be a problem. Doctor Obama is putting rat poison in the IV bag with this spend-a-thon of a so-called stimulus that will run up the deficit by rewarding failure. This is exactly opposite of what the patient needs. This, coupled with his plans to slash the deficit *snork* to a mere $1 trillion in 2010 and 2011 *gasp*, and a paltry *ahem* $533 billion by 2013. Is he bipolar, you ask? I know. I'm confused too. On one hand, the messiah-in-chief is spending money like a khat-chewing Kenyan tribal chief, while on the other hand he tells us that he needs to "get exploding deficits under control".

Cheech: How'd he do that maaaan.
Chong: Man he had some magic dust man.

Magic dust or narcotic leaf chews aside, he plans to tax the hell out of the producers in this country, that's how. Spend, spend, spend. Tax, tax, tax. He will do so with as much vitriol and anger toward the producers and achievers that make this country work as you will find with any lib leftwing kook on the Daily (Wac)Kos or Huffing (Glue) Post.

Lastly, a recovery will come down to the overall resilience and will to live demonstrated by this patient, the U.S. economy. I believe that we will rally. I don't believe Obama and his circus clowns can permanently destroy this great country, what it was built on and what it stands for, despite their best efforts. More and more Americans every day are coming to see Obama as the charlatan that he is. There will be a great tsunami of backlash against Obama and the democrats in 2010. His policies will be quickly reversed and then we can once again start down the correct road leading to prosperity.

Calling Doctor Howard, Doctor Fine, Doctor Howard!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Obama. A paternal father figure these losers never had?

WARNING: Please do not read today's entry if you have just eaten. However, may I suggest that it can best be enjoyed (endured) after having consumed numerous adult beverages.

Poll: Obama More Popular Than Jesus, Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr.
President Obama topped a new Harris interactive poll that asked 2,634 Americans who they admire enough to call a hero.

John Lennon once claimed the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. Now President Obama has evidence that he's more popular than both.
Hmmmm. Nobody asked me this poll question. Any of you get a call to participate? No? Just Julio, Henrietta and 2,632 of their neighbors evidently...

Julio OseguedaHenrietta Hughes

The article makes no claim that Obama has achieved a greater popularity than Elvis. However, E is no threat to O, as Elvis is dead. Or is he?

Man Shoots TV Over Converter Confusion

Elvis in 2012!

Friday, February 20, 2009

This blog is not a coward

We're all just a bunch of race cowards, according to Eric Holder, the nation's first black attorney general.

I have an early appointment this morning, so I thought it a good opportunity to post my brother Snapper's response to the above. Enjoy!

Dear Mr. Holder: if you are reading this. I am not a coward. I am a 50 something white male who has spent my entire life attempting to define the worth of the men and women I meet by their characters, personalities and accomplishments and not by the color of their skin. At some point in my life I must admit that it has become tiresome to me, that despite my best efforts to lead by example and thereby help in my small way to facilitate the true meaning of Dr. King's dream, I continue to be asked to go against my inclination to ignore the color of a person's skin and instead to consider it in my dealings with him or her, to acknowledge (over and over again) that our country once engaged in slavery and susequently discrimination and separation of the races. I am told to consider this over and over and to celebrate the first african american to accomplish this and then the first african american to accomplish that, etc etc etc ad nauseum.

Ok I get it. Starting from unequal points in history it is more difficult for the african american to have gotten ahead. One of my many sociology profs in college taught an entire semester to me devoted to the example of a footrace with the african american starting a hundred yards behind the white man. I really do get it. I have for a long time. I just have difficulty judging a man by other than the color of his skin when I am constantly being told to judge him by the color of his skin. I have a dream Mr. Holder. I see a nation which someday will celebrate the first african american to define himself or herself as something other than the first african american to accomplish whatever it is that they do. is that brave enough for you?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Slavery World

Michael Jackson's brother Marlon (I think he was the lesser known sidekick to Tito) is involved with plans for a slavery theme park. Slavery World? Marlon is working with American developer's in the plans for a multi-billion dollar resort at an old slave port in Nigeria. They are not simply talking about a Living Memorial Museum "that stimulates leaders and citizens to confront hatred, prevent genocide, promote human dignity, and strengthen democracy" in a solemn atmosphere of respect and compassion for those that had suffered from unthinkable inhumanity. You must be thinking of the Holocaust Memorial Museum. What fun would that be? We're talking about a five-star resort with an on site casino and world class golf course!

Hey golfers, arrive early and bid on a big, strong caddy at the clubhouse dais before your round.

The theme park will include their own version of Disney's "Pirates of the Carribean" ride by offering tours through a lifesize replica of a slave ship. During the time of the slave trade, merchants were interested only in maximizing their profits and therefore crammed as many people as possible on board these ships for each journey. Chained together with no room to move, many died on the journey from an assortment of horrific diseases. I'm sure that Marlon is hoping this attraction really "packs them in!"

Shucks! Look at the line honey. Let's get Fast Passes for us and the kids and come back after we do the water slides and roller coasters.

Here's the creepiest part - The corner stone of Slavery World will be a Jackson Five museum.
"The Jackson family had been looking for a place to site their memorabilia collection," explained Gary Loster, chief executive of the Motherland Group, to the BBC. "We visited the site of the slave port in Badagry and Marlon turned to me and said: 'Let's put it here, this is right.'"

The development will cater to the country's growing tourism industry, particularly African-American tourists who wish to trace their Nigerian roots. Visitors will be able to explore the site of the former transatlantic slave trade, honour the hundreds of thousands who died in what were horrific human rights abuses, and then head off for a round of golf or a massage, before gawping at animatronic versions of the siblings who sang ABC and I Want You Back.
Cool! Nothing honors the sacrificed lives in the horror that was slavery and pays tribute to the influence of African culture and tradition found in our music today than the young Michael Jackson dancing and singing these hits (when he was a black male, before he became a white woman). Agreed?
ABCSugar Daddy

Maybe the only creepier theme park ever conceived is Michael Jackson's own defunct Pedophile World, or what he referred to as Neverland. I understand the concession stands there were horrible. What if I want something other than milk and cookies?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Hillary abroad (not "A" broad)

Another "Hey, you got chocolate in my peanut butter!" "Well, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!" story.

Clinton seeks to improve US image with Muslims

Peanut Butter
Muslim TV executive seeks to improve Muslims image with the US - beheads his wife.

Dear Readers: Don't bother clicking those links and reading the stories above unless you are really bored. I'll break it down for ya...

Story 1: Hillary is traipsing around the world's most populous Islamic nation of Indonesia, probably dodging sniper fire all the way, apologizing to Muslims all over Southeast Asia for George W. Bush's war against Al Queda. All at the behest of her puppetmaster Obama. (I said "behest" not "behead". But just in case, don't upset your boss Hillary).

Here I thought all the talk about the need to rehabilitate America's image abroad was all just campaign rhetorical flourish on the messiah-in-chief's part. You know, just red meat for his leftwing kook constituency.

As Arthur Fonzarelli once said, "I was wr... wr... wroooooo... *face contorting*... wr... wro wrrrr..."

You get the picture. Obama evidently felt the need to send this emissary to the Muslim world in order to earn back goodwill that Bush had squandered when he apparently took offense for a few planes crashing into a few buildings. Finally! We have a president who understands their motivations!

Story 2: Dude. Call me a skeptic, but I need more convincing.

For the youngin's who didn't get the opening reference:
Late 70's Reese's commercial

On an unrelated note, I never really liked the peanut butter and jelly in the same jar, which is unusual because I am just lazy enough to really like this idea. Do they still sell that stuff?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Happy Kyoto Anniversary Bird Brains!

If you're like me, whenever you want to be taken seriously in a cause you feel so strongly about, you fashion a cape out of a black plastic garbage bag, cut out a large beak out of construction paper and wear it on your face while waddling around pretending you are a penguin with like-minded bird brains (after taking a hit off the bong).
These environmental activists dressed up to highlight the threat to their loveable flightless bird from global warming, and four years to the day after the Kyoto protocol went into effect they're demanding more rigorous international response to climate change.

[Click image to view video]

Sorry environ-Mental midgets. You may be waddling around Rome in your fake beaks until the Earth freezes over before you are successful in shaking down the U.S. under the ruse of "global warming". Obama and company have already found an alternative fake crisis to use in a shakedown.

Monday, February 16, 2009

HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY! (Current occupant notwithstanding)

Saying "Happy President's Day" with Obama in office feels about as sincere as wishing an amnesiac "Happy Memorial Day". Or a turkey Happy Thanksgiving. Or a hippie pacifist Happy Armed Forces Day.

PICTURED: Future president 2040? From the "Farkle Family" west trip of 2005. (A stop at Mt. Rushmore, nestled between the obligatory stops at Mitchell S.D.'s Corn Palace, Devil's Tower, Wall Drugs, and eventually Yellowstone).

From U.S. News & WORLD REPORT, a quick 10 question Quiz: How Well Do You Know Your Presidents? As it turns out, not so well. Some of these questions are a little obscure and I was never good at Trivial Pursuit. What can I say? I am always several pie wedges short of a complete game. *sigh*

They also take a stab at listing the top ten worst American presidents, but with Jimmy Carter at number 11, you just know there are serious flaws here. Besides which, it needs to be updated immediately.

With less than a month in office, it is now widely accepted that Barack Chavez Hussein Obama now holds the dubious distinction as the worst president in our nation's history.

I'm in a kind of blase' feeling of inevitability of total long-term economic collapse after the passage of Obama's spending and debt bill. Sure, this self-imposed economic suicide attempt is a bipartisan hack job perpetrated by the democrats. Sadly, we are their conjoined twin, so when they shoot themselves in the foot, our blood leaks out too. Is it time to find a surgeon who is willing to perform a Lib-ectomy and split us at the Mississippi? Maybe it's time to dust off Joe The Biden's Iraq partition plan but redesign it for North America.

It's ironic that Obama uses Abraham Lincoln as a marketing and imaging tool. President Lincoln, with his deeds and actions, saved the union. Obama may in fact cause it's undoing.

An oldie but a goody from TNOYF (still funny!)
Obama added to Mt. Rushmore

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Stimulus victory "ashes in our mouths"

The messiah-in-chief, Barack Obama, will sign the Taxpayer Slavery Act of 2009 on Tuesday, putting an end to a pretty good 200+ year run for this country. Atlantis, here we come. Apparently, the "timely, targeted and temporary" promise did not have to do with the particulars in this so-called stimulus bill, but rather was an Obama reference to freedom and capitalism itself.

"The fruits of victory would be ashes in our mouth."

The "ashes" quote above came from correspondence letters between President John F. Kennedy and his Soviet counterpart Nikita Kruschev during the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962. I thought of it after the democrat "victory" on the so-called "stimulus" bill for the obvious reasons. The Cuban Missile Crisis dealt with the struggle between freedom and oppression, democracy versus communism, good versus evil. These are the exact same themes today with regards to the so-called "stimulus" bill. Unfortunately, we have a different outcome this time around, with tyranny winning the day.

CT POP QUIZ: Who said, "I will bury you" and who said "I will trump you"? HINT: Same motivation, just a different suit

Just for the fun of it (and out of sheer boredom), I pulled some quotes from President Kennedy's first letter to Kruschev during this missile crisis and made some minor modifications. See if you can spot them...
...I want to say a few words to the captive people of Cuba America, to whom this speech is being directly carried by special radio Chattering Teeth Blog facilities. I speak to you as a friend, as one who knows of your deep attachment to your fatherland, as one who shares your aspirations for liberty and justice for all. And I have watched and the American God loving conservative people have watched with deep sorrow how your nationalist revolution was betrayed-- and how your fatherland fell under foreign liberal democrat domination. Now your leaders are no longer Cuban sane leaders inspired by Cuban free market capitalism ideals. They are puppets and agents of an international conspiracy George Soros, The Huffing Glue Post, The Daily (Wa)Kos, Code pinkos, PETA, and the rest of society's dregs which has turned Cuba the powers of the government against you...

These new weapons leftwing liberal counter-culture bong hitting democrats are not in your interest. They contribute nothing to your peace and well-being. They can only undermine it... We know that your lives and land are being used as pawns by those who deny your freedom. Many times in the past, the Cuban people American voters have risen to throw out tyrants who destroyed their liberty. And I have no doubt that most Cubans voters today look forward to the time when they will be truly free--free from foreign democrat domination, free to choose their own leaders, free to select their own system, free to own their own land, free to speak and write and worship without fear or degradation. And then shall Cuba America be welcomed back to the society of free nations...

My fellow citizens: let no one doubt that this is a difficult and dangerous effort on which we have set out. No one can see precisely what course it will take or what costs or casualties will be incurred. Many months of sacrifice and self-discipline lie ahead--months in which our patience and our will will be tested--months in
which many threats and denunciations will keep us aware of our dangers. But the greatest danger of all would be to do nothing.
Wow. Did't have to change a thing in the last paragraph.

MICHAEL STEELE: “If you like government dependence, you will love the plan they are jamming through Congress.”

WHINEY NYT's COLUMNIST: President Obama's victory with the economic-stimulus package feels more than a bit like defeat.

Buyer's remorse setting in? Hey Obama, how's them ashes taste to ya?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Amy Winehouse Corn Flakes (free dirty syringe inside every box)

Cereal maker Kellogg's made headlines recently for being the first sponsor to cut ties with Olympic swimmer and pot head, Michael Phelps. The move infuriated dope smoking hippies across the country who are threatening to take their munchies habit elsewhere. Kellogg's is a family brand, explained a company spokesperson, with the official statement explaining that: "Michael's most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg. His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract."

The spokesperson did say that Kellogg's was pleased to announce a new endorsement contract when Michaels expires...

(and Amy Winehouse completes her latest rehab probation requirements)

Friday, February 13, 2009


I apologize for doing this "crop and paste" of these two character' heads onto the original inspiring photo of President Bush rallying the rescue workers (and American people everywhere) at Ground Zero after 9-11. It's not my intention to soil the original, rather to remember the charisma, compassion, and leadership of our last president, George W. Bush. We may not have always agreed with him on everything, but we did on the BIG issues that matter, right? God, country, and family. National security and cutting taxes. What better way to show the contrast with Obama and company than the above desecration of this photo.

The original picture - Standing on a pile of rubble that once was the World Trade Center, President Bush addresses the rescue workers...

President Bush: Thank you all. I want you all to know -- it [bullhorn] can't go any louder -- I want you all to know that American today, American today is on bended knee, in prayer for the people whose lives were lost here, for the workers who work here, for the families who mourn. The nation stands with the good people of New York City and New Jersey and Connecticut as we mourn the loss of thousands of our citizens

Rescue Worker: I can't hear you!

President Bush: I can hear you! I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people -- and the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon!

Rescue Workers: [Chanting] U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

President Obama does not inspire these same feelings of patriotism and love of country, does he?

CAPTION IT: What else do you imagine he might he be saying into the bull horn?.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

OBAMA'S Failed theories of the next four years (and other topics not covered)

I was not in the mood this morning to deal with Obama's FAILED THEORIES OF THE NEXT 4 YEARS. Instead, I went on a quest for a laugh. I found a few. This, from (this blog CHOCK FULL of teh funeh!)

Of course, Christian Bale's film-set rant has become the latest internet viral trend. I wish someone would put together that Christian Bale remix at Obama's press conference from my earlier post. Oh well, here are a few of my favorites I did find...

I want what that kid had, especially with the so-called "stimulus" of a root canal.

If you prefer an edited for radio version of a Christian Bale remix, LISTEN TO CHRISTIAN BALE ARGUE WITH NAPOLEON DYNAMITE ON MOVIE SET” (From Detroit's WRIF, Mike In The Morning).

remix of Lee Ann Womack's sappy and irritating song...
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder humor
You get your fill to eat of Chattering Teeth
But always keep that hunger rubber chicken
I hope you still feel small (Thanks Steve Martin!)
When you stand by the ocean sit on the Whoopie Cushion
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance laugh
I hope you dance laugh
I hope you dance laugh

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Abortion is murder, not health care

A great piece by Sam Aanestad in American Thinker yesterday titled Abortion and Orwell.

As I read this article, I remembered my middle child's 2nd grade classroom assignment when I still had my boys in the local public school system. It was 3 days before the election of 2000 (happier times for sure) and the teacher asked her students to write a paragraph on who they would vote for to be the next President of The United Sates, and why. The papers were to be posted on the student's locker in full display for the parent's visitation scheduled that week. Pictured below is my boy's answer.

This was not a takehome assignment. It was given and completed in class. I found nothing objectionable in my son's answer and was extremely pissed off upset that his answer was deemed unacceptable by the teacher's censorship, and her comments to "See me!" in red ink, capped off with an exclamation point. What is an innocent 8 year old to think of this? He brought it home upset and confused as to what he did wrong. I set him straight that he did not do anything wrong, and let him know that sometimes adult teachers are the ones who are wrong. It was a new concept for him. The loss of innocence is a sad but necessary lesson. Rest assured that I set the teacher straight the next day. I had occasions before and since this episode to voice my displeasure with their liberal indoctrinations of the day. There was a well worn path from my house to the school. Let's just say that all of the teachers and administrators knew who I was. We'd met.

This story had a happy ending however. The assignment was posted and was possibly the final straw in putting George W. Bush over the top in 2000. I finally pulled my kids out of the public school system because I felt like it had become a form of passive child abuse to subject them to it to save me a few bucks.

Back to the American Thinker article.

It has been a LONG time since I read George Orwell's 1984. I recall, however, the very dark future it foretold of a Big Brother government that manipulates the populace using Newspeak.
"War Is Peace." "Freedom is Slavery." "Ignorance is Strength." These slogans are spoken in Newspeak, the fictional language of George Orwell's twisted utopia in 1984. By removing meaning from words and increasing state control over speech-and thought-Newspeak is designed to manipulate those who hear it.
Or how about "Pork spending is stimulus". Contrary to the smug and arrogant Big Brother Obama, THAT is NOT the point. The article continues... (edited for brevity)
In California, Newspeak is now spoken fluently by those who seek to advance a political agenda in healthcare by avoiding scrutiny... Under the guise of "access to primary care," the Regents of the University of California have been conducting an experiment on women...

The purpose of this experiment? "Demonstrate the role of advanced practice clinicians in expanding early pregnancy care."

That's Orwellian for "training non-physicians to perform first trimester abortions."
Apparently, "the access to early abortion services is an important public health goal."

Ministry of Truth: "It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words."

Do you "See me!" now?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Let's join President Obama's press conference already in progress

The front row of an Obama press conference I'd like to see...
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I raise my mighty and powerful finger and call on... Eeny meeny miny mo... the propeller head computer geek in front.

BILL GATES: Thank you Mr. President. *opens jar and Unleashes a Swarm of Mosquitoes* "Malaria is spread by mosquitoes. I brought some. Here I'll let them roam around. There is no reason only poor people should be infected."

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Thank you Mister Gates. *swat* I may have room in my administration for talent like yours. *swat* Let's see, who's next? How about the batman dude there.

CHRISTIAN BALE: "...KICK YOUR F---ing @--! I want you off this set you pr---! No, don't just be sorry, THINK FOR ONE F---ing SECOND!! WHAT THE F--- ARE YOU DOING! Are you professional or not? You want me to go trash your lights? YOU WANT ME TO TRASH YOUR F---ing LIGHTS?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Please put my teleprompter down Mr. Bale, I am lost without it. On a side note, I believe you and my VP would get along great. Uhhhh... Jack Bauer, what do you have to say to me?

JACK: GET DOWN!... Sorry Mister President. I thought I saw a mosquito.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: My inaugural moment. I'm excited. Helen fossil, err Thomas, what's your question?

HELEN THOMAS: "Mr. President, do you think that Pakistanis are maintaining the safe haven in Afghanistan for these so-called terrorist, and also do you know of any place in the Middle East that has nuclear weapons?"

One out of four wingnuts ain't bad!

Monday, February 9, 2009

The dirty bar of soap, and other church stories

How long does a bar of soap dedicated to hand washing typically last before it shrinks to nothing? The better question is not how long it lasts, but if it is effective while it does. Can a bar of soap get dirty? It sits there on the bathroom sink just waiting to be used on the next set of filthy hands. How can a bar of soap clean my hands when it's purpose is to get rubbed on bacteria-laden hands over and over?

Which brings me to my church story from yesterday.

One of the readings was 1 Corinthians 19:6:
Brothers and sisters: If I preach the gospel, this is no reason for me to boast, for an obligation has been imposed on me, and woe to me if I do not preach it!
I am reflecting on this as the reading continued, thinking about the times I have fallen short of His glory. I am also thinking what a sad state this country finds itself in today because so many have lost their way by rejecting God. Going to church for me is like washing my hands. It's an experience of renewal and cleansing. So far, so good. And then came the Prayers of Intentions. The very first one went something like this:

"Let us pray that the government will spend it's money favoring the poor..."

My blood pressure immediately spiked. I threw up my arms as if to scream "WTF", which are letters you are not supposed to reflect upon during Mass. I looked around, but other than my wife wearing a horrified look on her face (worried that I was going to go postal in church), everyone else seemed to be either oblivious to, or NOT OFFENDED BY what was just said.

You conservative bloggers out there need no explanation of what I was roiled about. However, for the clueless little kiddies that may have stumbled onto this website (and for adults who are working toward their GED and for all other liberals), let me make this perfectly clear. IT AIN'T THE GOVERNMENT'S MONEY! This so-called prayer was not even a thinly veiled call for socialist spreading of the wealth. It was a blatant, in your face demand for punishing the successful by redistributing their wealth by government mandate. JESUS DID NOT TELL US TO GIVE EVERYTHING TO CAESAR AND LET HIM SPLIT IT UP! He said, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and give to God what is God's". This is why I go to church. It is my Christian duty to help the poor. That is why I give to charities and why I contribute to the collection plate. I don't come to church to "pray" for a socialistic government solution of redistribution. I know this system of government has never worked before in the history of the world. Socialism does not help the poor, rather it creates a dependency on government. The sole reason for government in a socialist/communist society is to perpetuate power for itself by keeping it's citizens strung out like a heroin addict looking for the next fix.

Bottom line, the socialism practiced by Obama and the rest of the democrats is against my religion. I'm certainly NOT going to pray they are successful at it IN MY OWN CHURCH.

So I walked out. I don't go to church with the purpose of getting offended. I am not easily offended and have pretty thick skin. However, I go to church to worship God. I pick up the bar of soap to wash the scum and bacteria off of my hands, not to transfer the germs from the soap to them. I live in the very liberal State of Michigan, in the far left community that is hometown to Michael Moore, if you get my drift. I know what punk liberalism is. Attending Church should be an escape from it. Instead, I felt as dirty as if I had just washed my hands with a dead trout.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Obama Smoking Stimulus Tea Leaves

An anagram for Obama's "STIMULUS PACKAGE"
What does that mean? I'll tell you. Most SAUSAGE is pork, and the term "pork" is also a political metaphor meaning "wasteful spending". The definition of CLUMP is "a group of things clustered together", while the definition of KIT is "a group of persons or things —usually used in the phrase the whole kit and caboodle."

So in conclusion, Obama's "Stimulus Package" is really just a Trillion dollar "spending and debt bill" consisting of nothing more than a bunch of wasteful, non-economy stimulating bribes and payoffs, pushed by a bunch of democrat socialist political hacks, and with the whole kit and caboodle stuffed in casings of prepared animal intestine.

"All the life's wisdom can be found in anagrams. Anagrams never lie."

The above, from, my favorite anagram generator. The folks at tell us that an anagram for "Clint Eastwood" is "Old West Action." The Outlaw Jose Wales is one of my all time favorite movies, proving the wisdom of this anagram.

A word of caution here for you amatuers out there. Anagrams can be dangerous in the wrong hands. I have spent the greater part of my adult life, if not a few spare minutes here and there, studying the art of anagrams. Reading the message BEHIND the anagram's output is similar to fortune telling, or reading tea leaves accurately. While everyone can see the tea leaves drying in the bottom of a soothsayer's cup, only a gifted few can accurately interpret their meaning.

That's where Barbie and I come in. Barbie, of course, is my long-time trusted assistant, without whom I could not channel the spirits of my fortune telling gypsy ancestors. This, as well as my supernaturally large memorized vocabulary of English words and definitions, makes me the self-described world renowned leader in anagram interpretation.

The trick in anagram reading is being able to separate the meaningful words and phrases from the... uhhh... not meaningful word thingys. Being able to separate the wheat from the... the stuff that's not the wheat. Not all of the output from an anagram generator can or even should be used in an accurate prophesy. Much of it is gobbledy gook readily identified by those with the gift. I hate to be "unmodest", but I have that gift of word... stuff.

Take, for example, the name "BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA". Plugging this into the generator will net 55,556 separate and distinct anagrams. An amatuer would easily get lost trying to sift through this output. However, my intuitive skills alert me that CABANA is a key word, due to the numerous repeats. This makes sense, as the word CABANA describes "a lightweight structure usually with an open side facing a beach or swimming pool." What better description of Obama than that of a "lightweight"? Would you want to sit in a cabana with a hurricane approaching? Do you feel comforted with our current lightweight president during this perfect storm of economic collapse?

Another identified keyword in the output of anagrams for "BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA" is CASABA, or winter melon. As everyone in Michigan knows, the term Melon head refers to a hydrocephalic child who has escaped from a mental institution and is now running this country. OK, I made that last part up, but who's to say? What else do we have? How about "A CAESARIAN BOMB HUSK". An obvious reference to his pro abortion child killing ways. There are also many "MARIHUANA hits", referencing Obama's childhood indescretions I'm sure.

More "STIMULUS PACKAGE" anagrams (with my translation):
SAGA CULTISM PUKE: Accurately describes his followers as a cult and my reaction to their blatherings.
A SIMULCAST KEG UP: Drink heavily if you plan on watching "stimulus package" debates on C-Span.
A SEASICK GUT LUMP: Hang over the rail and let it fly. Obama is trumping us on this.
MUSE GALA STICKUP: This Obamanation of a spending and debt bill is highway robbery that will end our gala, or "festive celebration" of free markets.
GALA SUCKS IMPUTE: Obama and his ilk believe free market capitalism "sucks" and imputes (to lay the responsibility or blame for - often falsely or unjustly) it for causing the current economic meltdown.
US A SKEPTICAL MUG: The rightwing blogoshere.

These two are interesting - ALGAE SICK SPUTUM and TAIGA MUCUS KELPS. Both anagrams have three words, with two of the words in each refering to the same thing. ALGAE and KELP are both seaweed, and SPUTUM and MUCUS are derivatives of snot. This leaves SICK from the first phrase, and TAIGA from the second. A Taiga is subarctic smattering of sickly looking trees on the edge of a tundra. Therefore, Obama's stimulus not only makes me sick, but will turn this once prosperous country into a desolate wasteland. Nice job Obama.

Anagrams for "STIMULUS PACKAGE" that may or may not be prophetic:

GETUP SALAMI SUCK: I wouldn't say that this anagram answer has anything to do with Barney Frank and his responsibility for the mess we are in.
MAGIC PUKES A SLUT: While I know Obama wants us to believe that this stimulus will perform economic "magic", I am still "reading the tea leaves" on this one and can't figure out why Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer keep flashing before my eyes.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Another day, another 5,000 innocent deaths under Obamabortionist and the unwanted tissue masses in congress

Legalized infanticide is sick and perverted and has caused This United States to lose it's moral authority IMO. Abortion is just another issue to be discussed and debated each election cycle, but since Roe V Wade was made the law of the land on January 22, 1973, 50 million human lives have been taken inside the womb (and outside apparently). That's an average of almost 5,000 babies per day mercilessly killed by their heartless mother for her convenience. FIVE THOUSAND EVERY DAY! Most of the so-called "pro choice" crowd are the same bunch of leftist liberal bong hitting democrats who have loved bashing President Bush these last 8 years with their moronic little catchphrase "Bush lied people died". I am not going to spend time eviscerating the premise behind THAT B.S. of a statement. It would be way too easy.

By the way, to "eviscerate" a premise, means to take out the entrails of a premise, or to disembowel it. To treat a premise like worthless debris by cutting it up and putting it in a garbage bag and leaving it to rot because it's "not a good time" in your personal journey to deal with a premise right now. I wouldn't do that to a premise. But I am not here to debate the Iraq war in this space.

Joe The Feeble-Minded Democrat: "Well, I don't necessarily LIKE abortions, but war is immoral and lots of folks have been killed by Bush and Cheney and Halliburton and big oil and the republican war mongers! That's why I voted for Obama. We need to stop the killing!"

The combat deaths since the war began on March 19, 2003, is a little over 3,500. Almost 6 years and the total of KIAs doesn't equal one day's tally of doctor's with sharp knives. Regardless of how you feel about the war in Iraq, there is no moral equivalence between combat deaths and the murder of innocent babies. Oh yeah, and Millions of Iraqi's have been given their freedom from Hussein's ("Saddam", not "Barack") concentration camps. No, Saddam was not running "Family Planning Centers", rather other forms of mass slaughter and genocide.

My biggest beef is with fellow Catholics who call themselves PRO-LIFE, yet still voted for Obama because of the war. Some folks who call themselves Catholic actually state they are also "pro choice". The popular term for these people is "cafeteria Catholics", as they pick and choose the convenient doctrines of the Church and pass by the inconvenient ones, like in a buffet line. I call these folks CASINO Catholics (Catholics as stated in name only), for it is an all or nothing proposition in my book. CASINO's position is untenable. The Church is very clear on abortion and the life of the unborn. Non negotiable.

Joe The Feeble-Minded Democrat: "Hey, I am against abortion. Obama is for reducing the number of abortions!" Are there still folks who believe that drivel? It's called "campaign rhetorical flourish", and Obama is for reducing abortions as much as he is for tax cuts (which he campaigned hard in favor for, didn't he?). BTW, the ranks of The One's true believers are shrinking.

Jane The Feeble-Minded Democrat: "I am against abortion and would never have one myself. However, I don't think I have the right to project my morality onto someone else."

I love that asinine argument almost as much as the "men have no uterus and therefore no right to an opinion." Just insert the word "slavery" in place of abortion in Jane's statement above. "I would never own a slave, but I don't have the right to expect my neighbor to share this morality. If they want to have a slave, that's their business." I guess that if you don't own a plantation, then you don't have a right to an opinion on slavery. Should we stay out of our neighbor's plantation? As horrible as slavery was, how much worse is the abomination of abortion?

On a totally different subject *harumph*, I hope and pray for Supreme Court Justice Ruth "Buzzi" Bader Ginsburg's quick recovery and at least four years of good health (but no more than eight, assuming we can get a Republican back in the White House after the current one term loser).

I have to go now. The family is gathering around the kitchen table for the nightly board game of Abortion Operation. (shameless linkage to my personal favorite post).

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Liberalism's Slippery Slope

I was going through some old vacation photos and ran across these two beauties. I had never compared them side by side before.

What's the same?: Both pictures were taken at the same location (Downtown Disney World). Both pictures are of my three sons.

What's different?: The first (top) one was snapped in 2001, while the bottom pic was taken last year. The order of the boys posing is not the same either. Also, the resolution is really horrible on the older photo. What else is different?

I guess I am more surprised by the 2001 sign than the 2008 version. *sigh*

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Keystone Commander

Report: Obama Pursues Deal With Russia to Slash Nuclear Weapons
Obama will propose a mutual slashing of nuclear weapons by 80 percent. Of course, the carrot to bring Russia to the table is Obama's promise to not pursue the U.S. missile defense shield in Eastern Europe. This is called "taking your eye off the freakin' ball!"

Obama will waste time negotiating with Russia about some meaningless old nucs that are probably due for the recycling bin anyways. In any case, there is almost no threat these weapons would ever be used against us. In answer to Sting's long ago speculation, the old Soviet guard does love their children. Al queda is a different story.

Meanwhile, Iranian presidential madman Mahmood Ahkmadeenadude (who hates his children) celebrated yesterday and stated, "Dear Iranians, your children have put the first home made Improvised orbiting device satellite thingy into orbit".

North Korea is taking steps for a ballistic missile test, probably planning to send a missile over Japan in provacative fashion again, or just to be dicks.

Regardless of whether or not Obama will say it, we ARE in a WAR ON TerrorisM. A chief threat in this war involves terrorists getting their hands on a nuclear weapon and using it against us. The Russians will not sell theirs (or allow materials to be stolen). Therefore, Obama is wasting his time and has given away the one defense we would have had against rogue launches from Iran and/or NK.

"I screwed up," says Obama.

How many more times will we hear him say this over the next four years and what will it cost us?


Earth-Like Planet Found Orbiting Far-Off Star
Scientists discovered "Planet Gore" while peering through some fancy telescope in a large observatory during a federally funded toga party. They're calling it "Planet Gore" because it's twice the size of Earth, but much much hotter.

The surface temperature ranges from 1,832 to 2,732 degrees Fahrenheit, proving that this planet is in the last stages of advanced manlike-made Global Warming. Researchers speculate the surface is covered in lava, which flows under all old growth forests on Earth. This would be hard on the SUV's properly inflated tires, and would require this planet's messiah to invest in additional infrastructure.

PICTURED: Gore transits it's parent star. The large glowing star behind and in such close proximity to Planet Gore created enough backlight to make the planet visible. The extreme temperature of the planet surface, however, has many of these scientists perplexed as to the cause.

"This is proof of semi-intelligent life on another planet. The heat has to have been caused by man-like creatures burning fossil fuels," exclaimed a long-haired hippy democrat scientist, as he took a deep hit on his bong.

I suggest we rocket Al Gore and his little slide show into space immediately and point him towards Planet Gore. He could show these man-like aliens schematics for large power producing windmills and sell them carbon credits. It may be their only hope.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Poll question: Do any democrats pay taxes?

Monkeydarts takes a look at Obama's vetting process and asks (with tongue firmly in cheek) whatever happened to those intrusive questionnaires that prospective members of the Obama team were required to fill out?

A tax cheat Treasury Secretary in Geithner, and now a tax cheat Health Secretary in Daschle.

"What's the big deal?," the media seems to be saying with it's lack of attention to this. "It was only $128,203 in back taxes and $11,964 in interest."

"It was completely inadvertent," says Daschle.

"Nobody's perfect," said press secretary Robert Gibbs.

"I apologize to President Obama, to my colleagues and to the American people," said Daschle, in his trademark sissy mary voice.

There is nothing, apparently, that can derail the Obama peace train. Not even if video comes out today of Daschle sucking on a bong pipe full of dope with Michael Phelps.

"Nobody's perfect... and he's from Hawaii!," lied press secretary Robert Gibbs.

"There... are... no... more... words...," says DaBlade

Monday, February 2, 2009

Obama's White House a "Relaxed Fit"

Obama relaxes dress code
Obama was photographed without his suit jacket while in the Oval Office. Not only did this send a shiver down Chris Matthew's leg, it also signaled a change away from George W. Bush's strict dress code policy of a coat and tie in the Oval Office at all times. This happens every time a democrat transitions into the White House. Let's just hope we don't suffer the same fumigation and WetVac bill for cleaning the carpet and drapes after Obama leaves like we suffered after Clinton moved on. Maybe we should add another $1 trillion in the "stimulus" just for cushion.

On a serious note, I'm not too worked up over Obama in shirt sleeves. While I don't agree with any of his policies, I do believe he loves his wife and will not disgrace the Oval Office by playing "hide the cigar" games with chubby interns. I am concerned, however, that Obama has "cranked up the thermostat" because he hates the cold.

The thermostat set at broil, coupled with the clouds of cigarette smoke from the back porch, just think of the increased carbon footprint the presidency is kicking out these days. We are supposed to wear a sweater, tighten our belts and inflate our tires, while Obama lives in such wasteful opulence? You just know that if this would have been Bush cranking the heat, he would have been blamed for the frozen dead guy found recently in an abandoned Detroit warehouse.

“He’s from Hawaii, O.K.?” said David Axelrod, as he mopped sweat off his brow.

SIDE NOTE: Jack Lord always wore a suit and tie on Hawaii Five-O, even while surfing. Somehow it wouldn't seem right if he was wearing a wife-beater when he uttered the trademark "Book 'em Danno!".

This stability in authoritative attire is comforting. There should be a clear and immediate visual dilineation between the good guys and the bad guys. You know, like when watching an episode of Cops. Police officers versus scum bags. Uniforms versus shirtless and running wild men. shirts and skins.

Hmmmm. Good guys versus bad guys? Maybe Obama is on to something with his relaxed code. Can baggy pants be far behind?

Sunday, February 1, 2009

My First Grade Report Card

I have decided to share my first grade report card with you (BELOW) to disprove my liberal friend Kevin's theory that conservatives aren't funny. Well mister, the typically acerbic Mrs. Thurman, first grade teacher at Freeman School in the southend of Flint in 1968 would have to disagree with you. Might I add that Mrs. Thurman was a highly trained professional, trained in the art of teaching young skulls, then gauging her young captive audience's talents. She was an authority to be trusted.

SIDE NOTE: "Jerry" is pre "DaBlade" days, as I was given this nickname some years later after friends watched in amazement as I shot a par 4 on a hole at Gaylord's Swampfire by blading every club. This was not a demonstration of purposeful shot trickery, rather an inept display of wild club swinging with uncanny and unexplained results. I even hit my putt a little thin, yet the planets were aligned in my favor that day my friends as it dropped mercifully into the hole. What else could my friends do but exclaim "DaBlade!".

Now without further ado, let me present to you EXHIBIT A! Read it and weep my friend! Just go ahead and skip the first 12 week report, when Mrs. Thurman was apparently trying to decide if I was mentally challenged.

As you can see, by the second trimester of first grade Mrs. Thurman states that I was demonstrating "a rare sense of humor," (although the "quiet dreamer" comment leads me to believe that Mrs. Thurman was convinced I was only slightly retarded). Thank goodness my parents did not lose faith and give up on my blossoming talents in the first trimester.

By the third trimester, I think it is obvious that "I was on like Donkey Kong". Not only was I starting to develop an actual personality 36 weeks into my first grade studies, I had also "developed quite a sense of humor and a delightfully dry wit." These comments from a normally humorless and crusty old teacher, made in a space normally reserved for comments to the student's parents about their child's scholastic aptitude. I guess she felt like she covered this ground, for if there is anything that says "FUTURE SCHOLAR" better than this statement: "he does good work when he actually tries," I don't now what does.

Sadly, I cannot remember even an iota of my material from those wonder years. For all I know, I peaked when I was 6 years old and it has been down hill since then. My first grade class might have been a bawdy and raucous display of comedic genious. I don't remember. If I could remember any jokes from these forgotten years, rest assured I would use them here and absolutely kill! The point is, Mrs. Thurman says that I was a funny 6 year old conservative, regardless of the degree to which this talent may have atrophied in the years since. The defense rests.

Would you buy a T-shirt from the MSM? Why not, they sold you a presidency.

“Obama raises hand, lifts a nation” - CNN Inauguration T-shirts!

By "Obama raises hand" I assume they mean when he took the "oaf of office". If so, does CNN mean the first time with the Lincoln Bible, or the second time without any of those religious artifact stage props?

Or by "raises hand", do they mean whenever he lifts his mighty hand, and what once was thought impossible is now possible? Will rising oceans now subside? Will the ozone holes now be filled? Will Bill Clinton's chubby female intern fetish be cured?

And what's this about "lifts a nation"? Like our spirits? Really? Should we be inspired by his $1 trillion (and counting) spending spree and his declaration that it will take years before a recovery?

Lifts a nation, indeed. This reminds me of something I remember former Detroit Tiger manager Sparky Anderson once saying to a reporter when he was describing a lengthy losing streak at the time. "We are in a downward climb." Doesn't that sound better than "we are in a downward freefall losing slump"? Maybe that is all this CNN T-shirt is attempting to do. Physcological inspiration. Obama's socialist agenda gives us HOPE, and his economic policies will continue to lift this nation in a downward climb!

Then again, I may be WAY over-analyzing this, trying to administer logic and reason instead of raw emotion with respect to liberals. This T-shirt may mean exactly what CNN intended. “Obama raises hand, lifts a nation”. I assumed by "nation", that they meant THIS nation. But what have the libs been telling us these last 8 years? That Bush had lost the goodwill of the Muslim world with his war on terror. Ask yourselves just who Obama is inspiring most right now.

Iran says Obama's offer to talk shows US failure
How has Ahkmadeenadude responded to Obama's olive branch of HOPE?
*insert stick. Twist. Break it off*

IRAN: America's policy of domination has failed. Negotiation is secondary, the main issue is that the great satan must change by stopping it's global arrogance and domineering power.
OBAMA: Does thaaaat mean... *pause* you will unclench your fist?
IRAN: YOU ARE WORTHLESS AND WEAK! Only steers and queers live in America. Which are you?

Ahkmadeenadude will be emboldened to continue his race toward the manufacture of a nuclear weapon with no fear of reprisal from an Obama-led United States. Maybe the T-shirt should say "Obama raises hand, nation's loins girded".

Meanwhile, Israel sees this spineless jellyfish of a president we have elected and understands that they are much less safe now because of it. Benjamin Netanyahu stated yesterday that Iran "will not be armed with a nuclear weapon." When a reporter asked if he was talking about a military strike to dissuade Ahkamadeenadude's ambitions, Netanyahu said "It includes everything that is necessary to make this statement come true."

Hey Ben. Just call Barry on his Blackberry and ask him to "raise his mighty hand". Mahmood will give you the number.