Wednesday, November 5, 2014

McConnell Promises to Boldly Acquiesce to Obama's Pen and Phone

CT NEWS: I am sitting down with the presumed new Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, the morning after the big midterm elections. Congratulations sir, and thank you for doing this. So tell my reader(s?), what's first on the agenda?

MITCH: The American people have spoken and the message is loud and clear. They want bold, new Republican threats of compromise, before they completely cede all authority to Obama's phone and pen.

CT NEWS: What about ObamaCare? You stated last week that it would take 60 votes in the Senate to repeal, yet you had previously suggested the budget reconciliation process could be used to repeal ObamaCare with just 51 votes. Which is it sir?

MITCH: Now I'm thinking a full unanimous vote should be required so as not to offend anyone.

CT NEWS: I'm beginning to believe there won't be much difference from the Harry Reid days. What about the massive debt and out-of-control spending?

MITCH: I will propose we slow the rate of growth of the $Trillion dollar deficit by several hundred dollars over the next ten years. Unless the media thinks that's too draconian. What I can promise we won't do is shut down the government. Or threaten impeachment for continued lawlessness. Let me check the opinion polls and I'll get back to you.

CT NEWS: You have surrendered the power of the purse and impeachment as means to stop Obama. So I have to ask, what will the Republicans do to stop the president's plans to declare amnesty for millions of illegals?

MITCH: That's where I draw a line in the sand. I guess I would be forced to give him what could be construed as a dirty look and ask him not to do that again.

CT NEWS: That's all the time we have. I know I'm now fired up! Go sock it to 'em sir!

Monday, November 3, 2014

Diary of an undecided voter (I hope this helps. Or not)

Dear Diary,

We are on the eve of the midterms (so I am told) and if there is one thing I know with absolute certainty, it's that I believe I am still an undecided voter, but please don't pin me down on that.

Oh, don't get me wrong! What with all the major national issues at stake, I am absolutely, positively voting tomorrow... I think. Seriously, how else am I supposed to score one of those cool "I VOTED" stickers I plan on smugly displaying around the water cooler.

While I may (or may not) be completely certain which candidate has earned my vote yet, rest assured that I will be completely at ease with my ultimate selection, depending upon my mood (and blood alcohol and THC levels) when it's my turn in the booth.

Oh sure, we are at a spork in the road in the struggle for our continued survival and national identity, so I may (or may not) revert to the tried and true method of multiple choice test taking that has never let me down. Namely, "when in doubt, Charlie out." 

With the president's agenda on the ballot the future of our republic and control of the Senate literally up for grabs, please tell me that you really didn't think I would revert to simply "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe-ing" did ya?

It's true that I am somewhat wishy washy at this exact moment regarding my ballot choices, but that's because I am potentially so much more informed than any previous generation before me (unless they insist otherwise?).

Think about it... Its a fractious media today, and people no longer have to sit in front of their black and white TVs at precisely 6PM or 11PM and choose from as many as three stations (depending upon the creative use of aluminum foil on the rabbit ears) to be fed the nightly news from the mouth of a nicely dressed anchorman with perfect hair, if not diction.

Now, I can get my info passively, or pulled and pushed to any one of my several dozen mobile devices, from an untold number of news sites, blogs, twitter feeds, and of course, my personal favorite mobile devices: my fleet of talking Barbies, etc., at any time of the day or night.

What I can say without equivocation or incertitude, is that Dancing with the Stars celebrity pair, Janel Parrish and Val Chmerkovskiy, are most definitely dating! At least, that's what the celebrity gossip pages are saying, and I can't think of a good reason why they would lie to me.

So diary, while I seem to be noncommittal regarding my vote tomorrow, that doesn't mean that I am unsure about my core values and what I most dearly believe in. Let me be as unambiguous as I possibly can on this point. I will vote for the candidate that has the greatest odds of increasing my own popularity and making me feel good about myself, regardless of any disastrous national implications.

And the environment. I think I like the environment. And these condoms, and that's all I need.

It is all so confusing. Once I think I have my decision, I get another one of those automated phone calls, or I catch a commercial on TV that tells me all sorts of mean and nasty stuff about one of the candidates, and I am forced to change my mind again.

SO TIME TO STEP UP mister and misses candidates, and vie for the full support of us undecideds. 

I know my vote will be well thought out and disseminated in my brain. Basically, I will throw my full support behind the candidate who's superficial and pandering robo call I receive last... or not.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Mystery Product Photo Quiz

What is this?
A) Google Glass bifocals

B) LGBT-Friendly hand and anklecuffs

C) Swiss Army Keychain

D) Freerider Skatecycle

The good news is, I can get one of these bad boys for only $99.99 on Woot!

The bad news is, I have no desire to break a hip, which I am convinced is guaranteed for anyone over trying this over 25 years of age.