Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Gypsy Newsstand Vendor

A passerby stops by a street vendor manning a "newsstand". The palaver of verbal confabulation was as follows:

Passerby: Excuse me good sir, but I have the impulse to purchase one of your fine products on display here.

Vendor: I already knew that, for I am a Gypsy fortune telling street vendor. Do not tell me what it is you want to purchase, LET ME GUESS! Give me 5 observations about the product you crave. If you stump me, you may have it for free. However, if I guess correctly, you must purchase your item PLUS one additional product on display here of my choosing. Do we have a deal my good man?

Passerby: Sure! You have about a hundred items here so I like the odds.

Vendor: Then please present your clues.

Passerby: OK. Here we go...
1) The product I desire is chock full of unique content I can't get anywhere else.
2) Some folks get this product every day, while others just get one on the weekends.
3) I know that when I spend time with this product, I feel smarter.
4) This product comes in sections. Some folks like to start at the front section and work their way to the back, while others are in the habit of starting with one of the inside sections. You can enjoy this on the subway ride, and tuck unfinished sections under your arm to finish later.
5) It is a popular answer to the riddle, "What is black and white and red all over?"

Vendor: Too easy my son. (The gypsy vendor holds up his guess) Is THIS the product you describe?

Passerby: Yes, you guessed it.

Vendor: And per our wager, you must also purchase one of my wares of my choosing. Of course, I am going to make you buy a product that is over-priced; has unhealthy content; is manufactured by young and inexperienced slave labor; and a product I can't give away without my mad gypsy skills. Enjoy!

The above transaction did not actually occur, and is just a blog re-enactment of what came to my fertile mind after reading this article from Business Insider (and having spent many years in the newspaper business).
Washington (AFP) - The news remains mostly bleak for the American newspaper industry, struggling over the past decade to adapt to the new digital landscape.

The sale of the San Diego Union-Tribune in early May for $85 million underscored the horrific slump in the value of "old media" companies in recent years... the newspaper was believed to be worth as much as $1 billion as late as 2004.

Blah, blah, blah, then this:
"Every newspaper chain talks about getting digital faster. The plain truth is that despite almost two decades of effort, most aren't close to where they need to be," says Ken Doctor, an industry analyst who writes the Newsonomics blog and is a consultant for the research firm Outsell.
Soon, said Doctor, newspapers will have few options aside from cutting the frequency of the print edition, as several dailies have done, to save expenses.

All I can say is, Gimmee a break! I'd rather break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Obama's bizarre Memorial Day climate change speech at Arlington National Cemetery

President Obama will travel to Arlington National Cemetery today for the laying of the wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Presidential visits on Memorial Day are somewhat of a tradition, as it is a solemn day of remembrance for those who have died serving in the American armed forces.

But what makes this year's traditional presidential visit unusual is obama's executive order for the body of this soldier to be exhumed and seated in the first row for the president's remarks on climate change.

Earlier this week, the president hijacked the occasion for his commencement speech to the U.S. Coast Guard Academy to insult and degrade these fine graduates by pushing his climate change agenda, so why not also ruin the wreath laying ceremony?

Chattering Teeth News has secreted out an advanced copy of the speech (complete with side notes) and is providing this exciting exclusive excerpt below!!!

2015 MEMORIAL DAY SPEECH TRANSCRIPT ROUGH DRAFT: (as written by the president's hand on a dirty golf towel)

NOTE - Standing at podium... Wait for the corpse man (sic) to be secured to the front row seat using wreath over his head to anchor him to chair if necessary. Once secured, give the corpse man a weak, limp-wristed salute (be careful not to spill my Latte Grande!)

Thank you. Please be seated. Thank you very much. Good morning, everybody.

Happy Memorial Day. I hope y'all remember what this day is really all about and that you enjoy your BBQs and ice cream cones as much as Michelle and I plan to.

As I look out at the blank and empty stares of the press in attendance amongst the sea of empty seats, I can't help but that my gaze is drawn to the liveliest one here. That of the body of the unknown soldier in the front row. I have just one question for the body of this soldier...

Knowing what we know now, would you have invaded Germany in WWI?

It's a fair question. Take your time. (look at wrist watch) Times up. The answer is, WWI was fueled by instability caused by severe drought and crop losses connected to rising temperatures caused from the industrial revolution. Well I say NO MORE BLOOD FOR OIL... and softer uniforms for all the branches!

Let me be clear. Climate change constitutes a serious threat to global security, an immediate risk to our national security, and, make no mistake, it will even impact our military corpse men and corpse woman (sic). And so we need to act — and we need to act now."

Many of our military graves are on the coast. Oh sure, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier stands atop a hill overlooking Washington, D.C., presumably safe from high tides and storms, but not all of the buried soldiers have been winners of death's lottery. You didn't build that grave, sir! So stand with me. Stand up Chuck!


U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry (in his softer uniform) includes 'a dreadful Crème Brûlée' when ranking Global threats

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Harbaugh to fumigate and rid campus of cockroaches?

Football coach Jim Harbaugh took to twitter to endorse 'American Sniper' after U-M cancels the showing of the movie on campus.

Hours later the university flip-flopped and went ahead with the showing (such is the power of Harbaugh. Reviving the school's football program, beating back muzlim izlamofascists and helping stranded motorists in a single bound)

Now I see Harbaugh plans to meet with students (muzlim izlamofascists and progressive twits) upset by tweet of American pride.

The Wednesday meeting, requested by students, is expected to be a private affair with "Middle Eastern, North African, Muslim and South Asian student groups," according to the report. While the report originally said Harbaugh would apologize, other sources in the story say the coach is expected to simply hear out the concerned students.

My guess is that he goes Chuck Norris on them, or at the very least, puts them all in a headlock and gives them noogies.

Monday, May 18, 2015

My trip to the crawl space

But first, happier times (yesterday) when my house (and Zeke, our 8-month-old German Shepard) enjoyed the wonders of running water.

Fast forward. Monday morning. No water comes from any of the house faucets, regardless of the amount of torque I apply to the faucet handles. The water fairies are apparently immune to my verbal threats and do not as of yet appear to be intimidated.

Oh sure, I've tried all of the advanced plumbing trouble-shooting techniques accumulated over the years. First, I opened the breaker box to ensure the well pump circuit breaker fuse thingy wasn't thrown. It wasn't. I flipped it off, then back on again in hopes that somehow this action would create a tsunami power surge that would magically re-electrify my water distribution system. I may have already lost a good number of readers due to my use of very technical plumbing and electrificity jargon. If so, I apologize and will attempt to talk down to you, my beloved blog audience.

Let's recap. So far my advanced strategery has not elicited the desired results. I was not ready to throw in the dry towel just yet and still had a trick up my sleeve.

Using every ounce of plumbing knowledge I possess after several years of study and finally achieving a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration back in the mid 80s, I gained access to the crawl space after removing the painted plywood panel located behind the water softener in the lower level mechanical slash laundry room. I had been in there before, and remembered from those earlier visits the existance of copper pipes that distributes water throughout the house originating from the far corner of said crawl. My journey found me there, staring at something called a well pressure tank. I looked at it for several minutes - and after satisfying myself that nobody had stolen it - slowly backed out of the crawl space on hands and knees.

For some reason, this whole process reminded me of my old hillbillyish neighborhood where my wife and I lived when we were first married. Our first home was a 720 square foot '48529' classic, and half of that generous square footage was dedicated to the back entrance mud room. But I digress.

Long story short, I remember a summer day in the 90s when my mid-80s Buick Skylark wouldn't start, regardless of the amount of torque I applied to the key. The car was parked in front of my house (I would have said at the curb, but this street didn't have curbs). I remember it being a Saturday, so at least I wouldn't be late for work.

I went back inside the house, came out with a beer, popped the hood of the Skylark and popped the ring top of the Bud. Applying every ounce of auto mechanical knowledge I possessed, after several years of study and finally achieving a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration back in the mid 80s, I took a swig and determined after several minutes af staring that in fact nobody had stolen my car engine.

But then something magical happened. Several neighbors began pouring out of their homes and made their way over to my rusted hulk. I swear they heard the sound of a beer opening, dropped what they were doing and made a beeline to the sound.

There was my next door neighbor, Lonnie, a good ol' boy long retired from General motors, and who spoke with a thick southern drawl. He had a detached one-car garage I could see from our back kitchen window that (no sh*#) leaned at about a 45% angle. Every time a storm would brew, I was sure the thing would collapse, but it never did. It was one of the most amazing structural oddities I have ever seen.

Joining us was Randy, a few years my junior, who raced stock cars and was forever tinkering with them in his garage directly across the street and about 100 total feet from my living room t.v. 

Rounding out my little Skylark party was Tom, who lived the other side of me, opposite Lonnie and his wife. I can't remember what Tom did for a living, but I remember him being as mechanically inclined as I was, and seemed to have the engine stare down pat.

So I made another trip to the 'fridge and passed out soldiers to all my neighbors. Tom continued to stare at my open hood. Lonnie drawled on about a similar problem he had with a vee-hickle several decades earlier, and Randy's hands were a blur, as he got to MacGyvering on my bad boy. 10 minutes later, the car started. I really miss those neighbors. Some really good dudes.

So fast forward back to the hear and now. After a quick trip to the fridge, I return to the crawl space and shimmy my way to the pressure tank. It's still there. I opened my beer I brought with me and waited. And waited.

Hey, it was worth a shot. Guess I'll call a plumber.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Political Nursery Rhyme Friday

Finally. some clarification from the Jebster.

Let me be clear:

“If we’re all supposed to answer hypotheticals, and knowing then what I know now... or is it "knowing what I didn't know then, now??"... Read my lips. I would not have gone into that interview with that Megyn Kelly chick.”
Certainly, mistakes were made in that interview. There was no reason to go to there, given my faulty intelligence. You know who else would agree with that statement? Hillary Clinton.

We interrupt this blog to bring you this very important Nursery Rhyme.

A Tutor Who Tooted

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it tougher to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Jebster, DROP THE CHEESE and step away from the flute...

I'm thinking aboput covering the upcoming political season via nursery rhymes. Here's another that comes to mind.

A Big Fat Potato [Chris Christie]

A big, fat potato lay down on a clod
In the shade of some burdock and tall goldenrod,
And he dreamed he were king of the whole garden plot,
With a palace and throne, and a crown with a lot
Of jewels and diamonds and gold till it shone
Like the front of a show when the lights are turned on.

He had to be minded by all of the plants;
When he whistled the radishes knew they must dance;
When he tooted his horn the cucumbers must sing
To a vegetable crowd gathered round in a ring.
He made all the cabbages stand in a row
While a sunflower instructed them just how to grow;

The bright yellow pumpkins he painted light blue;
Took the clothes off the scare-crow and made him buy new.
He strutted and sputtered and thought it was grand
To be king and commander o'er all the wide land.
But at last he woke up with an awful surprise
And found a blind mole kicking sand in his eyes.

Monday, May 11, 2015

They Can't All Be Gems (Part 1,103)

From FOXNEWS: The kings of both Saudi Arabia and Bahrain will not attend this week's summit of Gulf nation leaders hosted by President Barack Obama at Camp David.

Rumor has it they will be playing golf with Tom Brady.

See what I did there? Gulf kings to snub obama by playing (wait for it)... golf?... with the Patriot's quarterback who is on the verge of an NFL league suspension for snubbing obama by not attending the team's White House visit as Super Bowl Champions?  Get it!?


They can't all be gems.

What has these rich desert monarch's skull diapers in a knot? Try Obama's appeasement and surrender to a nuclear Iran, leaving them free and clear to continue to run roughshod in the region.

Sounds like a good start to a joke. Just need to come up with a serviceable punchline. Here is what I have so far...

King Salman (the Saudi leader not the tasty fish) and Tom Brady walk into the golf clubhouse and up to the bartender after their grueling golf round.

"Whaddya'hav?," mumbled the barkeep. "And where is that other fella you started out with?"

"I would velly much to like a glass of cold water," said the parched King Salman.

"Hamad ibn Isa Al Khalifa on the rocks," said Brady.

"Hey, look, Mister, we serve hard drinks in here for men who want to get drunk fast. And we don't need any characters around to give the joint atmosphere. Is that clear?," said the bartender.

"I was answering your second question regarding our playing partner. We left him on the rocks by the creek spawning at the number 12 hole," said Brady. As for the hard drink, please serve me a Shirley Temple with a miniature umbrella sir."

Well, that's it so far. What do you think? Be honest. No nervous, polite and uncomfortable fake laughter. I can take it. Was that funny?


They can't all be gems. Maybe Brady walks into the bar with Hamad ibn Isa Al Khalifa and leaves King Salmon spawning on the rocks? Nah, too obvious. King Salman walks into the bar... why the reddish-pink face? I'll keep working on it.

By the way, did anyone recognize the bartender? 100 fake bit coins to the first correct guess.

Random thought, can obama order the IRS to target these gulf Kings? How about using his bully pulpit to incite racial animous, rioting and cop killing in the Arabian peninsula? No? I guess that just leaves use of his Drone fleet then. You don't tug on Superman's cape, spit in the wind or snub Slim.

BTW, If obama ever holds a summit for reclusive conservative bloggers with very little readership, I for one pledge not to attend due to a prior commitment. I will be the fourth in that Brady golf party.

Saturday, May 9, 2015


If you're like me, you like to start your Saturday by giving a friendly kiss to the live poisonous water moccasin you keep in your pillowcase, slip into your onsie unitard and surf the news on the internet while sipping hot cocoa.

The good news is, sometimes you manage to kiss the snake. The bad news is, sometimes the snake kisses you.
ANNOUNCER GUY:  Liiiive... from the Chattering Teeth Studios, in beautiful Mundy Township - it's time to play, A "BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS" WEEK IN REVIEW!!!
Cue Theme song (Think "horns" and "drum rolls" and other various non-complimentary musical instruments played by deaf people for the first time - or your favorite Jazz song - BaBum DaDaa!)
start fog machine?

...It's your favorite blog feature game show where I first link a "BAD NEWS" current event, then comment with the "GOOD NEWS" spin from my fertile mind that will quite literally change your world! Immediately. Seriously. Literally, as in symbolically in my own mind. So lets meet this week's contestants!
North Korea says it test-fired a 'world-level strategic weapon'
North Korea announced Saturday the successful test-firing of a submarine-based ballistic missile -- a technology that would offer the nuclear-armed state a survivable second-strike nuclear capability.

It has the accuracy of a Dennis Rodman free throw.

Tom Brady will be suspended by Roger Goodell for role in DeflateGate,
This story is apparently very popular, and really what the media (and therefore, the 'State') wants you to focus on, because what could be more important to the future of this nation than the pounds of pressure in a football?
The snarky and rude Jim Gray (see 5:37; 8:16 of the video at linked article) gave away the real reason why the media elites are demanding Tom Brady's head, and it has nothing to do with deflated footballs, or even football at all.

"How was that trip to the White House?" (10:38)

The profession of media elites draws a fair amount of @$$h0les, but is there a bigger one than Gray? He might as well have said, "The future of NFL quarterbacks must not belong to those who insult obama."

 and lastly,
#3 - THE BAD NEWS?  
Jade Helm Is For The American People (and the domestic takeover)

Jade Helm is a planned eight-week military training exercise within our borders in preparation for Michelle Law (formerly known as "Martial Law", but that sounds too harsh).

This commenter (retrobit) says it all: "With China building it's Navy and other military forces to unprecedented levels, Russian adventurism, an administration about to hand over leading state sponsor of terror, Iran, the capability to arm itself with nuclear weapons amid chants of "death to America", with huge cuts in military spending, the mission of our forces is to fight within the cities and towns of the USA? This is what the remnants of our once great military is training for?  And nobody except paranoid loons sees anything out of the ordinary?  Are you kidding me?"
Here is your Jade Helm command structure.

 Keep your powder dry my friends.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Moe Hominid Cartoon Contest Incites Slapstick

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

MOE, as in Moe Howard, an American actor and comedian best known as the de facto leader of the Three Stooges.

HOMINID, as in any bipedal primate mammal of the family Hominidae, also known as great apes (per Merriam-Webster).

WARNING! The following is a GRAPHIC depiction of Moe Howard in an evolution sketch, and may be offensive to lovers of the slapstick profiteer.

Winning entry:

CHATTERING TEETH EDITORIAL BOARD - We here at the spacious CT News studio & Spa are united in our outrage at this offensive event. We don't think it's a smart strategy to provoke the legions of delirious Stooge fans by disparaging their icon.

Oh sure, that amendment thingy that talks about free speech is just fine, and everything is all 'grins and giggles' until somebody gets the twin-fingered eye poke. Or the overhead pendulum closed-fisted skull bob. Or slapped and pushed, only to trip and fall over the stooge's partner who was surreptitiously squatting behind you on all fours. 

The future must not belong to those who slander the Stooges.

The Three Stooges Fan Club has posted this bizarre warning on TVLand, which some have interpreted as a threat of more eye-gouging, hand-biting and belly-punching from their 71 highly trained fanatics.

and that's the memo.

In other news, the mainstream media is now insisting that Pamela Geller be forced to bake a cake for jihadist's wedding.

BTW, if your 'religion' is fueled by hatred and indiscriminate killing, as opposed to being fueled by love and indiscriminate charity - you're doing it wrong.

In conclusion, its important to note that we are at war with the izlamofascists. As for the Stooges? Stand down! You wouldn't scream "FIRE" in a crowded theater, and you sure wouldn't scream "NIAGARA FALLS" at a Stooge festival.

Niagara Falls?... Sloooowly I turned...

Monday, May 4, 2015

Texas Hunting Blind

Don't mess with Texas. Fly, meet honey.

SALE! The manufacturer has lost his head! Buy one virgin decoy for $99.99 and get 71 virgin decoys free!

In other news, 
Police kill 2 gunmen outside Muhammad cartoon event in Texas

Will obama seek charges against the police officers involved in this shooting?

Sunday, May 3, 2015

May Madness: Floyd Mayweather Vs American Pharoah

First, American Pharoah wins the Kentucky Derby to go 6-0 and remain undefeated. Later that night, Floyd Mayweather beat Manny Pacquiao in a unanimous decision to remain undefeated at 48-0.

And now, what handicappers and fans have been dreaming of, and what is being called the fight of the century...


American Pharoah'S trainer, Bob Baffert, says his colt has proven to the critics that he can take a punch and keep on hoofin'. "It was a tight finish, but this horse is so special," said the white-haired trainer. "When he finally nosed Dortmund and Firing Line on the final stretch for the win, I knew we would be going after Mayweather for the Triple Crown Championship Belt."

Mayweather just had to beat a single Filipino opponent in the ring. American Pharoah had to beat 20 other horses, all the while with a crazy short Mexican on his back who was whipping him repeatedly.

Mayweather's corner has yet to respond with an official comment.