Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Hillary's Biggest Crack

Glass platform in French Alps with the best view in Europe
On the top of Aiguille du Midi summit in French Alps sits the tallest tourist attraction in Europe – a glass skywalk called “Step into the Void”. 
In other news, Hillary is:

'biggest crack' in glass ceiling

What? Not a ceiling, but a floor? Tell that to the goats for the next several thousand feet. I don't know about you, but I hope she busts through.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Tooth Fairy Versus Easter Bunny

Parents coerce son to do chores with threatening letter from the Tooth Fairy

(Highlights mine)
Dear Elliot,

Thank you for the return of your fourth molar. Here is your payment upon receipts, the agreed-upon sum of $5.00.

By leaving your tooth out for one of our Tooth Adjusters, you, the toothee, have entered into a contractual obligation to perform measured work, herein known as chores.

Please see the attached addendum for an updated list of these chores.

We have been notified by your Parental Units that these obligations have frequently gone uncompleted, and often have to be requested multiple times before they are, in fact, done.

If these obligations are not fully completed, without demand, in the specified time frame (every day after school or camp), we will have no recourse but to repossess all of your remaining teeth, by force if necessary, with no repayment to you.

The most comfortable solution for all three parties involved (Tooth Adjusters, Toothee, and Parental Units) is for you, the toothee, to do your chores as expected, on time, every day.

Do not make us come and take your teeth.

Warm regards,

The Offices of Tooth and Fairy, LLC – Tooth Adjusters

Boy responds (not really, but he should) with threatening letter to mom from Easter Bunny

Monday, July 25, 2016

Democrat Convention Porta Potty Preview

Several hundred porta pottys have been shipped in to handle the numerous various number of genders and gender identities expected to attend the Democrat Convention in Philadelphia this week.
Word of caution... if you are a Androgine Bisexual Hermaphrofemale, DO NOT GO IN THERE!
If not for the courage of a fearless Hazmat Crew,
The convention would be lost.
The convention would be lost.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

"Because Hillary. Because the Court" - What was the question?

I will get back to the silly picture memes shortly, I just have a few more things to get off my chest.

I am told I have to vote for Trump because the next president will likely have several Supreme Court appointments, and we can't let Hillary pick 'em.  Democrat appointments are always political hacks and are used as sledgehammers against our country's foundation, and there isn't anyone more despicable than Crooked Hillary.  Hopefully, I have stated the argument accurately. I just disrespectfully disagree with the reasoning, and I'll tell you why in a minute if you hang in.

I got into a sort of verbal confabulatory fracas with an unnamed person over this very issue on golf league night last Thursday, breaking a self-imposed "no politics on the beer deck" rule, and much to the horror of the beer-swilling members. This anonymous person is an attorney by trade, so when the subject of Ted Cruz's speech from the prior night came up, he used the occasion to prosecute (insult) Cruz - pacing the beer deck and pleading his case that I had to hold my nose and vote for Trump now because of the high court stakes.

It got a little heated and the under-35 members scattered, presumably Bernie Sanders supporters who were triggered by the foreign concept of a 'moral dilemma' and needed to find a safe space. But then we drank beer, smoked cigars and played golf, so it ended up being fine.

I am reminded of a recent caller on Glenn Beck's program - He is a former Cruz supporter who has now pledged to vote Trump. His reasoning? He said something to the effect that, "With Hillary as president, I am 100% sure we are screwed. With Trump as president, I believe we are only 99% certain of getting screwed."

So if that's your position, I get it, really, I do. I just disagree, and here's why.

Since 1969 (47 years), Republicans have nominated 12 out of the total 16 justices during this span. That's 75% Republican nominees, folks. How has the culture rot treated since then? The way I see it, the culture vulture has been gorging himself on the roadside constitutional carcass and has almost picked that sucker clean.

Let's review.

President Richard M Nixon (Republican) had 4 appoints as follows: Warren E. Burger, Harry Blackmun, Lewis F. Powell, Jr. and William Rehnquist.

Grades: E, E, E, A

The Burger court was a complete disaster, with Berger, Blackmun and Powell all joining the majority in the court's landmark 1973 decision, Roe v. Wade, establishing women's constitutional right to have abortions. Rehnquist was the only dissenter of this Republican group (and the only one, coincidentally, not rotting in hell).

Next up, another Republican president. Now maybe we can get things back on track, right?

President Gerald Ford's (Republican) only selection was for John Paul Stevens. Really, dumbass?

Grade: E

President Jimmy Carter (Democrat) - Thank goodness there were no vacancies during Carter's malaise years, but brother Billy might have been a hoot. Couldn't be any worse Ford's pick.

President Ronald Reagan (Republican). The great Ronaldus Maximus! Now we're cooking with oil, right? Well, you'd think, but... Sandra Day O'Connor, Antonin Scalia, Anthony Kennedy (still swerving)

Grades: D, A, D

I feel like the D's for Sandy and Tony are probably a little "liberal" as they should probably be Es, but Reagan got it exactly right with the late Antonin Scalia, so I'm feeling magnanimous. BTW, Sandy thinks obama should pick the Scalia replacement.

President George H.W. Bush (Republican) selected David Souter and Clarence Thomas.

Grades: E, A

C'mon, Georgie! Only 50%? I love Thomas, but there is no helping the pathetic Souter.

President BJ Clinton (Democrat) nominates Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer both still haunting the court.

Grades: E, E

As expected, stopped clocks have better records than these two silly pieces of excrement.

President George W Bush (Republican) John G. Roberts and Samuel Alito.

Grades: E, A

Like father, like son with the 50%. Hey Roberts, thanks for obamacare you hack POS.

President Barack Obama (Democrat) Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan

Grades: E, E

The wise Latina and the vacant stare. By all means, let's give this Marxist president another "crack" at it.

So what is the final tally?

Republican nominees GPA: 6 Es, 2 Ds, 4 As (GPA 1.5, or a D+ cumulative)
Democrat nominees GPA: 4Es (GPA 0.0, a solid FAIL)

"So you admit that we have a better chance of getting a constitutional conservative and strict interpretationist with a President Trump!"

Do you?

In the unlikely scenario of Trump beating Hillary, he is going to need a packed senate in order to get an acceptable nominee through. When he was recently asked about the importance of Republicans holding the Senate, he said: I hope they do “but I don’t mind being a free agent, either”

The great deal-maker. Who do you see a President Trump making deals with, and do you really see the end result being any different than Hillary's? Because I don't. In fact, the end result would be much worse, buhleeeve me. Don't be angry with me. We seem to care about this issue way more than the actual Republican candidate.

Trump IS the candidate, correct? He has officially accepted the nomination - and the contentious internal campaign and in-fighting is finally over now, right? "Our" Republican candidate is now reaching out and trying to coalesce the party by fence-mending with Tea Party and Christian Constitutional conservatives, isn't THAT what we're seeing?

"What difference does it make?" Trump said of a hypothetical Cruz endorsement. "I don't want his endorsement. I don't want his endorsement. Ted, stay home, relax, enjoy yourself."

Trump even said he might start a super PAC to try to defeat Cruz if he attempts to run again in 2020.


Saturday, July 23, 2016

If "Wishes are dreams without feet," Then Nightmares are False Hopes With Tiny Baby Hands.

There is a minor, yet interesting character in Steven Jame's novel, Every Crooked Path named Lily. Lily is a 'starving actress' trying to break into this small fraternity.

"With casting calls during the day, she needed to work nights. But as she reminded herself all the time, this was only temporary, a stepping stone. She'd heard someone say once, "Wishes are dreams without feet." So this was her way of giving feet to her dreams."

I find it interesting that Lily never looks at herself as a prostitute, or at what she was doing as immoral. Rather, she was just practicing at her craft by playing a role for money. And it was "only temporary."

By the time she got to the driver's door, the guy had lowered his window. She leaned close. "Looking for a little companionship?"...
"May I ask how old you are?"
"How young do you want me to be?"...
"You could pass for sixteen."
"Sixteen it is, then."

While this scene plays out from Lily's perspective, the reader suspects full well that "the John" in the fancy Mercedes is a psychopath, and are thinking as they read the creepy passages, "DON'T GET IN THAT CAR!"

It's true that Lily is responsible for her own actions, and she has rationalized these as if she had a "binary choice." Either whore yourself or starve. It never seems to occur to her that she could support herself with a waitress job, or some other reputable form of employment while she pursued her life's goals. Sure, she wouldn't earn as much as she did by prostituting herself, and times might get tight - but at least she would keep her dignity and her morals.

But of course, she got in the car.

I don't want to give too much away, but you need to know that Lily ends up wearing a cheerleader costume while chained by the ankle in a dank basement while being filmed by child pornographer perverts who plan on Lily playing the starring role for their next internet snuff film. Finally, Lily breaks into the movie business!

You'll have to read the book to learn what happens next.

Lily reminds me of the average apprehensive Trump supporter, right down to the tight cheerleader costume and chained by the ankle in The Donald's cellar. Good luck with that.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Artificial Intelligence? I'd take a modicum of common sense conservative values.


Apparently there is an AI alternative? Maybe I won't have to write in my toaster.

Difficulty in Voting for Trump or Hillary? Elect an Artificial Intelligence for President

Hmmm. What do they say about programming and output? GARBAGE IN - TRUMP OUT? I don't trust "the machine." That's the definition of what being a kook democrat entails.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Cruz Fights For Future of Country, While the Trumpsters are Playing "Game of Thrones"

In his speech, Senator Ted Cruz congratulated Donald Trump on his victory and nomination then spoke eloquently of conservative values, staying true to the constitution and of freedom. These are concepts Trump himself never talks about, so you can somewhat understand the confused reaction from the Trumpsters who had just heard these concepts and values for the very first time.

"What is this C-O-N-S-T-i-T-o-o-, whaty? LYING TED!!, LYING TED!"

So what was it that got the entrenched establishment like the pouty Britt Hume fuming, and the fool populists like the Matt Drudges crying? Ted Cruz did not kiss The Donald's ring.

I knew he had hit it out of the park when the camera panned to the Trump kids, all sitting stoically in a row with stunned looks on their faces and their round pieholes in a kind of perpetual selfie duck face. We did get a slow clap out of one when Ted emphatically endorsed the wall. Other than that, there was no sign of life from the Donald's spawn.

I was tired so I retired to bed shortly after Ted's speech, but I had considered slamming several pots of coffee so that I could remain conscious in order to watch Britt Hume wring his hands in mock establishment outrage. Priceless!

I know I am living on a small and very sparsely populated conservative thought island. I get that most of my Republican friends, relatives and neighbors disagree with me. That's fine by me. I am not saying my opinion is any better than theirs (I'm just thinking it) and I still respect all of them (some of them). But trust me, we are going to need an actual conservative banner holder when the dust settles (if the dust settles) in order to clean this mess of from the progressives (or the populists).

We are going to need Ted Cruz when the Trump tower inevitably and necessarily crumbles.

And that's the memo.

THIS JUST IN: From The National Enquirer (Trump's super pac)

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Predictions for Cruz speech

Tonight's GOP convention schedule:

Ted  Cruz gives speech, immediately followed by 75% of audience wishing for the power to turn back time. The other 25% will forget where they parked their car.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Did Melania's Speech Plagarize from Michelle Obama's College Thesis?

I avoidedmissed Melania's speech. I am reading that the big controversy has to do with her speech sounding familiar. Let's listen in...

Four score and seven years ago, I have a dream. I have a dream that my husband will not be judged by the orange hue of his skin, but the content on his bank account.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. And so, my fellow populists: ask not what Mr Trump can do for you, and the only thing you have to fear, is a stiff wind.

For the first time in my adult life, I am really proud of my country.

Nope. Not getting it.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

New Trump-Pence Campaign Logo!

Shortly after the Trump campaign unveiled yet again another Trump-Pence campaign logo (above), it met with extreme criticism on social media. This time, Russian President Putin tweeted 

The Donald has been attempting to woo the socialist kook Sanders voters while completely ignoring the Christian constitutional conservatives, hence the Communist hammer and sickle.  Trump has made it clear he plans on being a strongman who supports touch back amnesty, continued funding of Planned Parenthood, and economy-crippling 45% tariffs, while ignoring the constitution. The latest logo has just arrived.
 No more tiny baby hand and no more flag.

Thursday, July 14, 2016


CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - Showing once again why he is the master of misdirection and reality TV, Donald Trump shocks the political world by naming Ruth Bader Ginsburg as his 2016 running mate. This selection comes a day after Trump called for Ginsburg to resign from the court, stating, "Her mind is shot."

Those of us still paying attention should have taken this as a clue, as a "shot mind" would certainly be a prerequisite for anyone desirous of being Trump's VP. Trump and Ginsburg are also both huge Hillary donors and supporters. This would also explain why the crusty old liberal hack, Ginsburg, accepted the nomination shortly after calling Trump a "faker".

Of course, this is just speculation. RBG couldn't be awakened for comment.


Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Poke'mon Go Be Like

And to think I believed the quirky 'Chuck' character from Better Call Saul TV show wrapped himself in foil to protect himself from unseen demons was imagining things.

There we were, my wife and I, minding our own business by the swimming pool after work last night - when in strolls my 24-year-old middle boy and his wife, along with their two German Shepherds they had walked around the block. Small talk ensued while the 3 dogs played. Next thing I know, the kids are running around the yard with their phones held in front of their faces as they pursued these unseen Pokey man thingys. Apparently, they are all around me, but since I don't carry a phone _ I can't see OR capture the little f'ers.

So here I sit, wrapped in foil...

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Police Robot Stops to Play Basketball With Gang Bangers

CHATTERING TEETH NEWS - A Dallas police bomb robot surprised a group of Black Lives Matter militants when it rolled into the middle of their basketball game. The group immediately scattered, as the robot is the same model as the one that blew up their former sniper cop-killer point guard.

"I was running away, when I looked over my shoulder and I saw the robot dribbling the basketball," said one BLM militant. "It's like he was challenging me to a game, so I'm like 'it's on like Donkey Kong!'"

The bomb disposal robot is commonly used by police, military and other first responders around the world. It is wheeled, weighs 485 pounds, and mounts various sensors and a robotic arm with grippers.

"He couldn't jump, but he couldn't be stopped in the paint either. Not that he needed any layups. He was launching bombs from all over the court," said one winded gang banger through his bandana. "I'm like, 'hands up, don't shoot,' and 'I can't breathe,' but that mo fo just be drillin' it on us all day long!"

The final score - the police bomb robot 11, the BLM gang 0, but nobody seemed to care, as there were smiles and healing taking place in a community desperately in need of both.

"It felt nice," said a neighbor who had watched the whole scene unfold. "Everybody try to make cops seem like they are bad but actually they not, they friendly just like everyone else is," said the neighbor.

After a break and a 40-ounce, the BLM were ready for a re-match.

"How about a game of P-I-G?," joked one of the militants.

The explosion that followed could be heard from several miles away.


Saturday, July 9, 2016

Marc The Police Bomb Bot

‘Bomb Robot’ takes down Dallas Gunman.

Black Lives Matter is a terrorist organization sponsored by obama and his 'lynch' mob. This is why our police need all the tanks, cannons and modern weapons we can give them.

Friday, July 8, 2016

FBI Director James Comey Likely to drop charges against any cop killers while obama in office

After meeting with Lynch on an out-of-the-way airport tarmac to discuss great Thai food, FBI Director James Comey has released a statement saying that no reasonable prosecutor would bring a case against the Dallas cop killers now in custody.

CHATTERING TEETH ISLAND NEWS BULLETIN: Now taking applications for citizenship to my island. Full disclosure, there will be no wealth redistribution, union thuggery, deficit entitlement spending, nor made-up rights to murder your baby. You will have to work for your coconuts. And as your fearless leader, I promise quick and speedy trials for all cop killers - followed closely by  public executions.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Hillary and Huma Celebrate by passing out sweets

Hillary and aide Huma Abedin help pass out sweets on the West Bank after FBI Director James Comey bombs justice system.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Today's Guest Blogger- My Dog, Zeke

So there I was, head hung low and standing in the darkened bathroom again for the second night in a row. It's safer here, for some reason. The crackles, fizzles and whistles don't bother me as much as the bangs, but I could do without any of it.

The rest of the family are just wandering around the house like there's nothing f&^%ing wrong! Do they not hear the random and sporadic loud explosions and sonic booms? Do they not feel the house rattle and shake after each one?

I think I know who's to blame. I'd bet a homemade piece of oven-dried beef jerky treat that it's that black cat on Grandwood who's always slunk low in his yard and staring at me with those evil, green orbs  when I walk by his house every night on our stroll. He doesn't react or make a peep, even when I holler at him and lunge against my restraint to get to him. "Take this harness off and give me just 30 seconds alone with him," I bark. But they never do.

I'd blame the Lab on the corner, but I don't think he's too bright. He can make a racket, but he does not want a piece of me. I eat raw meat like him for breakfas.

HOLY SCHNIKES!!! How did you not hear that? If you heard that, you would have pasted your ears against your skull in nervous anxiety and confusion. But no! Those silly, round and bald protrusions on the side of your heads are as useless as ever. Not even pricked forward in curiousity.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family but they're almost completely oblivious to their surroundings. How they don't constantly bump into the walls is beyond me. I've never seen them even sniff one pile of excrement! I'm not kidding!

At least they know when it's time to hit the hay. They are laying in bed now. OK, I'm game, let's try this. I'll just curl up here on my bed in the corner.... Ahhhh... this is nice. Head on my paws with the tail tucked... thinking about chasing that squirrel by the bird feeder again tomorrow...


"OH HAILS NO!" "Here we go again. NO, No, don't get up! I'm just gonna wander, slink and pace around the darkened house indiscriminately for a little while longer while I try to reason this out... maybe spend some more quality time in the bathroom. Gonna play it by ear..."

Hmmm, maybe the cat is innocent and it's that rat bastard squirrel... Or they're working in concert...?

Gonna be a looong night.