Monday, November 28, 2016

Tryptophan in my Tetrazzini

I took another bite and chased it with another huge gulp of Captain Morgans and Vernors. I started feeling sluggish. My eyelids started to droop and I felt myself loosing consciousness. They may say that eating turkey doesn't really make you sleepy, and that its all just a mirth or something... well mister, if it isn't the tryptophan in the tetrazzini... I don't know what it issss... [face-plant into the tetrazinni] Zzzzz

Cue wavy lines for Chattering Teeth Blog Dream sequence...

Sneak Peek at my new TV comedy series called The Clintons.
SETTING: The future, sometime in 2017. Now that the Clinton foundation money laundering scam has dried up the funds, Chelsea has had her folks committed to the Old Oaks Retirement Home.
Hilarity and buffoonery are sure to ensue with each week's episodes.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

2016 Christmas Tree Hunt

PICTURED: Koda, expressing her joy of riding in a loud, tractor-pulled wagon with a bunch of strangers. It appears to be one of her favorite things.She seems to be excited for the opportunity to help pick out this year's Christmas tree. I think she sees one!

PICTURED: Krueger is a 2-year-old White German Shepherd who is game for just about anything, and when he wags his tail (which is constantly) his whole 85 pounds seems to wag to the rhythm.

The two seemed to settle in for the ride. These are our son, Joe and his wife, Lindsey's doggies. My wife and I have Krueger's brother, Zeke. We left Zeke home because... because he is a little more hyper than his brother and we didn't want to chance getting sued.
And the search for the perfect tree commences. A good time (and hot cider or hot chocolate by the roaring fire) was had by all!

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Welcome to the Revolution, Fidel

Is that the Heat Miser in the bottom right? I can't quite make out who he is waiting for. In any event, I'm sure Castro is happy to be among his fellow revolutionaries, where there is no private property rights,  state controlled production and distribution,AND FREE HEALTH CARE!

Oh, and one more thing, amigo!

It's like a sowwwwna in here!

Friday, November 25, 2016


Congratulations! If you are reading this, consider yourself officially nominated to participate in the new internet sensation called the BLACK FRIDAY MANNEQUIN ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!

You have until the stroke of midnight tonight to complete this challenge:
1) Find a mannequin (preferably one with a head) in the nearest mall.
2) Pour a bucket of ice cubes on its head.
3) stand there staring at mannequin without moving a muscle until you get arrested
4) Send challenge to all your friends

PRO TIP: If you are thrown into a public holding cell, DO NOT plank on your stomach.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Will Trump Pursue Charges Against Turkey Obama Pardoned?

Chattering Teeth News - President Obama pardoned his last turkey yesterday (actually two, named Tater and Tots) to sobbing masses of joyful progressives, Peta representatives, and cheering vegans. There was not a dry eye at the White House, especially when obama started delivering really bad puns.

Trump stunned the nation when he immediately tweeted his support for the pardon, and stated he thought the birds had "been through enough."  “I don’t wanna hurt them. They’re good birds, believe me," he continued of the turkeys.

Later that day, the crowd outside Trump Tower was chanting, "lock her up!", "lock the bird up!," keying in on punishing just the female of the two birds for some reason.


Trump Pivots - Now Promises to Overturn Obama's Unlawful Executive Turkey Pardon on Day One

After Trump stunned the nation yesterday in support of Obama's  turkey pardons, he has now appeared to walk this back by tweeting, "The majority may want to see the bird go free, but I am going to leave it to the electors to decide, that I will tell you."

Trump is now indicating that he may launch a full investigation into obama's unlawful pardon of the turkeys, and is promising to appoint a Supreme Court nominee who is very pro-Thanksgiving turkey dinner.

Numerous turkeys across the country are being  sworn in at the dinner tables of America today to give testimony as character witnesses for both these birds. Side deals of mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes, squash, cranberry sauce, etc will be 'grilled' for information.

"There will be no tofurkey in the Trump White House, believe me," tweeted the president-elect.

 and now this

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Trigger Warning - Michigan State Sissy-ballers?

Izzo: Soft Spartans done playing ‘sissy-ball’
East Lansing – Tom Izzo said before the season that the difficult early schedule would give him a better idea of where his Michigan State team stood than if it played a bunch of easy games...

“We’re just playing sissy-ball right now,” Izzo said after a 78-77 victory over Florida Gulf Coast on Sunday... You become a product of what you do and we became a product, a little bit. We’re softer than we’ve ever been.

Chattering Teeth Fake News - Michigan State has dedicated staff and resources to help students and faculty deal with coach Izzo's insensitive comments.

Professors in the Sissies Studies department have organized “healing spaces” in the MSU Union where affected students will have the opportunity to discuss their feelings.

In the meantime, Coach Izzo has been put on temporary suspension and has been barred from campus pending administrative review.

Professor Dumbledoor has been named interim coach. Here is your new Spartan stating six. (what? You expect one to have to sit?)

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Kanye West Translates the "Hamilton Rant"

Vice president-elect, Mike Pence, was lectured by the Broadway cast of “Hamilton” this past Friday night to the cheering throng of progressives in attendance.  The rest of us are scratching our heads wondering what exactly this message really was.

Well, who better to translate the Hamilton rant than rapper, Kanye West, recently hospitalised for a psychiactric evaluation  after a similar on-stage 'message' delivered to his captive audience.

Chattering Teeth News - Grabbing a white smock and a clipboard from the ER closet and posing as a hospital orderly, I caught up with Kanye, who was handcuffed to his hospital bed and cursing a nearby radio. After administering a morphine drip (again, found in the ER closet) I was able to convince Kanye to decipher the written copy of the Hamilton rant. It was then that I realized the IV was in my arm and not Mr. West's... Zzzzzzz

Thank you so much for joining us tonight. You know, we had a guest in the audience this evening. And Vice President-elect Pence, I see you're walking out but I hope you will hear us just a few more moments. There's nothing to boo here ladies and gentlemen. There's nothing to boo here, we're all here sharing a story of love.

KANYE: Stop it, stop it. Hey radio, f%&* you! Radio, f%&* you! Oh yeah, I’m on my Trump sh#@ tonight. Radio, f%&* you. Yeah, I’m taking his lead. I’mma just say how I say, be ‘Ye, and win. I’mma take his lead. Radio, f%&* you! Wait a second. Eh, is it, “Radio, f%&* you? That’s what you’re saying?” Exactly.

We have a message for you, sir. We hope that you will hear us out. And I encourage everybody to pull out your phones and tweet and post because this message needs to be spread far and wide, OK?

KANYE: I love you, bro. Don’t tell me how to be me, though. I love you. I’m not scared. I’m here to change things. I got the visions, bro. That’s what I’ve been blessed with. My vision. I’m not always going to say things the perfect way, the right way. But I’m going to say how I feel. Right now, press get ready to write your passive-aggressive, LeBron James, racist comments. Season 4, racist comments. Get ready to have a field day, press. Get ready, get ready.

Vice President-elect Pence, we welcome you and we truly thank you for joining us here at Hamilton: An American Musical, we really do. We, sir, we are the diverse America who are alarmed and anxious that your new administration will not protect us — our planet, our children, our parents — or defend us and uphold our inalienable rights, sir.

KANYE: Aye, bruh, I know you got killers. Please don’t send them at my head. Just call me. Talk to me like a man.  I know you got hitters from Miami. Please do not send them at my head. I just want to have a conversation about how we playing radio’s game. Pence, you a real (n-word). You got the keys. But as we learn all the politics that (n-word)s was doing for years. Obama couldn’t make America great because he couldn’t be him to be who he was. Black men have been slaves. Obama wasn’t allowed to do this [screams] and still win. He had to be perfect. But being perfect don’t always change sh*&, bro. Being perfect don’t always change sh*&, bro.

But we truly hope that this show has inspired you to uphold our American values and to work on behalf of all of us. All of us.

KANYE:... except for Beyoncé. Beyoncé, I was hurt!

Again, we truly thank you for sharing this show. This wonderful American story told by a diverse group of men [and] women of different colors, creeds, and orientations.

KANYE: It’s a new world, Hillary Clinton, it’s a new world. Feelings matter. Because guess what? Everybody in middle America felt a way and they showed you how they felt. Feelings matter, bro. It’s a new world. It’s a new world, Barack. It’s a new world, Jay Z. Hey, don’t send killers at my head, bro.

[Drops mic]

Sunday, November 20, 2016

SHOCK! Harambe's Ghost Meets With Trump

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani are said to be out - Harambe's ghost likely has the inside track for secretary of state, at least according to this oft-used super secret Chattering Teeth blog informant who wishes to remain anonymous (or maybe he said he wished to remain "inebriated"?)

In any case, after interrogating my source in the alley adjacent to Trump's downtown Manhattan skyscraper (and polishing off his last bottle of Ripple), we witnessed what appeared to be a large, white and glowing gorilla climbing the outside of the Trump Tower. It was obvious to us that we were watching the ghost of Harambe trying to meet clandestinely with Mr Trump regarding a potential cabinet pick. Why Harambe chose to exit the meeting via the elevator banks a few hours later remains a mystery.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

You Won't Believe Who Was Spotted on the Trump Tower Elevator Livestream!

My favorite headline on this topic comes from, where it calls C-SPAN's Trump Tower elevator livestream "The new yule log".
The new yule log: Trump Tower elevator now livestreamed on C-SPAN as parade of potential appointees meet with president-elect

“C-SPAN wants simply to let our audience see who is coming and going to meet with the Trump transition team, and watch them speak to the media located in the lobby,” C-SPAN spokesman Howard Mortman said.

This screen capture appears to show a visit from radio giant, Woke Beck.

First, #NeverTrumper Mitt Romney floated as potential Secretary of State. Now, #NeverTrumper Woke Beck as...? Trump Tower Elevator Muzak Czar?

Will Trump repeal and replace Michelle's garden with a casino?

Chattering Teeth News - "Maybe 20 percent of my garden will get rolled back under Trump," stated Michelle Obama.

The first lady has had 'her' garden set in stone, making it much harder for a future president to scrap her South Lawn legacy. The wood, stone, and steel features may be designed for durability, but who needs a pen and a phone when you have a 2,160,510 pound excavator to make quick work of Michelle's 'hippy garden'.

Michelle estimates that Republicans will roll back 15-20 percent of her vegetables after Donald Trump takes office. "But there's still a lot of stuff that sticks," she promised.

"I think the sweet potatoes are safe, but the carrots are probably gone," said Barack. "I've already had my marijuana and poppy plant stash secretly removed."

"Hold on hold on h..h..h...hold on... Wa... wa.. waa... wait a minute", stuttered Barack. "What about my transformative agenda?"

 "That sh*t comin' out by 'root and branch,'" smirked Michelle.

If the Republicans “tinker and modify but still maintain a commitment to provide wire cages for the tomato plants and infrastructure trellis repair for the cucumbers,” he said, “then a whole bunch of stuff hasn’t gone out the window.”

I don’t think that it is inconceivable that Republican leaders look at this garden plot and they say, ‘This thing worked. Obama be gone and our base is hankering to tear this sucka down, and we may quietly leave it in place,'" he said.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Santa Trump's Island of Misfit Toys

HANNITY: Yah, Yah! Let's get 'em boss! I’ve got some unfinished business with people. I'll give 'em all a karate chop with my tiny baby hands!

BANNON: Shut yer piehole, Hannity, or you'll get the first audit. And who invited Ingraham? Seriously, Laura. We got your messages. Don't call us, we'll call you. And what's with this mousey fella?

REINCE: squeek?

Monday, November 14, 2016


And here I wanted to celebrate El Nino El Diablobama Day, and only 66 Days left of the Obama reign of terror.

What's that? You say you never heard of El Nino El Diablobama Day? That's because I just made it up. Just like I made up my own holiday called El Diablobama Day.

Everyone remembers exactly where they were and what they were doing on March 26, 2015 when we celebrated the first and only El Diablobama Day - as we looked down the road and 666 days into the future with quiet anticipation for the day obama would be evicted from the White House. Emancipation from Barack day seemed like so far away then.

As of today, there are only 66 days remaining to suffer obama (just one number short of the mark of the beast). Therefore, I invoke another official Chattering Teeth Blog holiday called, El Nino El Diablobama Day.

'Course, Trump has managed to take the shine off the celebration.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Steve Bannon and Reinse Priebus - Now will you Trumpeters admit to being conned?

There is no bigger establishment status quo politician more hostile to tea party christian conservatives than this a$$hat Priebus. And 'burn it down' alt righter, Bannon?

These rioting marxists should be celebrating trump, for he will succeed in doing what not even hilery (sic) could do - destroy the real republican base once and for all.

There is no excuse for the "firsters" on the trump train when there was still a chance to save the republic. The rest of the trump voters, I forgive you. But you still have to own it.

And now a look back to happier times when there was still hope...

Still think you're getting that wall? Or a conservative judge in the mold of Scalia? Hahahaha! (fu)


‘Cord guy’ shadows Harbaugh, keeps UM coach connected at Supermarket

[yes, this is a true story. I've only changed most of the fact thingys like real journalists do]

Chattering Teeth News - Jim Harbaugh is the only Division I college football coach who does not use a wireless headset setup on the sidelines. Why? Because he can. You might as well ask why a bride doesn't wear a shorter dress and thereby negating the need for a bridesmaid to run around rearranging her dragging train and veil during the ceremony. But as long as there are people for that, well...

And that's where Cordy the ‘Cord guy’ comes in. Kori Reblin (a/k/a Cordy) is the assistant equipment manager who's chief responsibility is to tend to Harbaugh's headset cord, keeping it tethered to the coach - letting out just the right amount of line - but not allowing it to tangle. And to also help Harbaugh bustle the cord for easy dancing later at the reception.

Think of Cordy as a fly fisherman and Harbaugh the fly.

“It is a really serious job,” said Cordy. "One time I got distracted watching the game and let out too much line. Later, someone asked where coach was, I panicked, and hooked up the cord to a battery-operated hydraulic winch and towed coach Harbaugh back to the huddle. His khakis were all covered in mustard and to this day don't know where he wandered off to," said Cordy.

Harbaugh is an intense competitor and expects the same commitment from his players, coaches and equipment managers. One of his favorite stories from this past spring was regarding the quarterback competition between John O’Korn and Wilton Speight. It seems that both quarterbacks were arranging secretive after-hour throwing sessions with the receivers, tight ends and running backs trying to get the edge over the other.

Cordy says that is exactly how he got a leg up on the competition for the assistant equipment manager position.

"I would surreptitiously follow Coach Harbaugh 24/7," stated Cordy. "When the time was right, I would jump out of the bushes - or jump in his back seat at a stop light - and I would fasten his headset then start trailing him with the cord."

After 3 failed restraining orders and a stint in jail, Harbaugh finally relented and hired Cordy.

"It's a good thing too, cuz I think the other inmates in the REAL big house misunderstood my special skills of holding cable and touching up helmets," Cordy stated.

Now the two are inseparable, as Harbaugh insists on being wired 'round-the-clock.

“I’ve really gotten to know his movements and when to expect him to move, and he’s gotten a lot more comfortable having me right next to him,” Cordy said. “Though not when he needs to 'lay some cable himself,' as he likes to say."

The original cord was about 40-yards long to accommodate some slack so Cordy could maintain a 3 or 4 foot distance from Harbaugh while he’s coaching. They added an extender after last year’s trip to the grocery store when Harbaugh outran the cord and broke the belt on which it is attached when he heard an announcement over the intercom for a 2-for-1 sale of Charmin two-ply.

If you want to send Harbaugh any message on his handling of the Iowa loss, just tweet Cordy. He's only 3 or 4 feet away.


Saturday, November 12, 2016

Harbaugh campaigns in Iowa today hoping to "Make Michigan Great Again"

Chattering Teeth News - Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh puts his undefeated record of 9-0 on the line today in Iowa (5-4) in a football version of a Hawkeye Cauci showdown. Michigan is currently ranked #2 in the country, and U of M fans are hungry for Harbaugh to finish this thing and to make the Wolverines great again by culminating into a national championship.

But just who is this Harbaugh character, and does he have what it takes to lead the greatest college football team on Earth? Personality wise he is brash, a little crazy and kind of an a$$hole. Even he admits his personality tends to wear out his own welcome. Jim Harbaugh Is The ‘Donald Trump Of College Football’ 

During the coach selection process, there were many who felt a more conservative coach was needed who was more in the mold of our founding father, Bo Schembechler. Bo, himself, was a disciple of legendary Ohio State coach Woody Hayes, and his "three yards and a cloud of dust" conservative philosophy.

Oh sure, being overzealous, petty and arrogant are fine qualities for a president of the United States. But do we really need a tape surfacing later during a run for the national championship of Harbaugh telling some sideline reporter that he likes to "grab 'em by the buckeyes"?

Who was it that said: "When you pass, three things can happen and two of them are bad.?" Some might say the same thing about throwing out tweets repeatedly (though I'm hard pressed to think of what the one good thing could be)

Building a wall:
Harbaugh certainly has built a wall to stop the flow of opponents over the line of scrimmage, this I will tell you. There is no sanctuary for the opponent on our side of the ball, and field general Wilton Speight must be protected in the pocket at all cost.  Why is this so important, you ask? I'll tell you.

Because When Ohio State sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

Harbaugh has also rebuilt his defensive arsenal, led by Heisman Trophy candidate Jabrill Peppers. Peppers has played 10 different positions on both sides of the ball, projecting our power both home and abroad.

So In Conclusion:
So far, things are looking good for my favorite team. However, I wonder if I should worry about the loyalties of this Harbaugh guy. He did play for Bo, and Bo did study under Woody at OSU... What if Harbaugh is really a Buckeye who lied and ran for coach as a Wolverine?... I mean, now that we dominate all 3 branches of football (offense, defense and special teams), what if Harbaugh purposefully gives it all away and starts throwing passes to the opponent and fumbling into their hands? What if we have been projecting onto Harbaugh, qualities we wish he has instead of his actual qualities???

Nah. Jim has been a loyal Wolverine all his life. It's not like he's 70 years old and spent the first 69 years of his life rooting for the Buckeyes. Who do you think he is? Trump?

Thursday, November 10, 2016

A disjointed and mispronounced conversation between Paul Ryan and Michelle Obama

DISCLAIMER: This conversation did not really happen, and is only a fig newton of my over-fertile machinations.
RYAN: You are a shtrong woman for this adminishshtration.
MICHELLE: I do like to shtrut, shtrictly shpeaking.
RYAN: Hillary belongs in pinshtripes and a shtraitjacket.
MICHELLE: She just under a lot of shtress.
RYAN: Trump deshtroyed her.
MICHELLE: That man needs to be cashtrated!
RYAN: Cashtrated? Is that like having your allowance shnipped off?
MICHELLE: I grow shtrawberries in my garden.
RYAN: You sound frushtrated.
MICHELLE: Boy, you look like a shtrange oshtrich!
RYAN: The shtring from your jockshtrap is showing.


Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Jesus on a surfboard

Jim Caviezel Testimony (Actor Who Played Jesus in The Passion of the Christ Film)
God never sends a man to hell. People choose this place.
Our democracy cannot be sustained without a shared commitment to certain moral truths about the human person and the human community. The basic question before a democratic society is this: How ought we to live together? And seeking an answer to this question: Can society exclude moral truth and moral reasoning? Set yourselves apart from this corrupt generation, my brothers and sisters.

You weren't made to fit in you were born to stand out.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Rickshaw Ridge

The story App of a conscientious objector who refused to vote for either of the two lifelong democrats from either party label. Unlike the true story (Hacksaw Ridge) of Pfc. Desmond T. Doss, who won the Congressional Medal of Honor despite refusing to bear arms during WWII on religious grounds - this blogger has no problems bearing an assortment of arms. However, he does object on religious grounds to support this country's corrupt political system and the illusion of choice any longer.

OBJECT OF GAME: load all of your possessions into the back of the rickshaw and make a break for it. Come back repeatedly to save as many as you can by transporting them to your oasis.

CHATTERING TEETH ISLAND NEWS BULLETIN: Now taking applications for citizenship to my island. Full disclosure, there will be no wealth redistribution, union thuggery, deficit entitlement spending, nor made-up rights to murder your baby. You will have to work for your coconuts. And as your fearless leader, I promise quick and speedy trials for all cop killers - followed closely by  public executions.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Squirrel Flagged for Taunting in Green Bay

Squirrel steals spotlight at Lambeau Field
Rodent on the field in the land of cheese.

(Nailed it. Going home.)

Play was temporarily halted at Lambeau Field on Sunday when a squirrel ran onto the field. The little fella sprinted through the visitor's end zone and appeared to evade a stadium or team employee who raced to the scene with a net on a pole.

Either this squirrel hasn't watched this State Farm commercial or he just wants to test Rodger's & Matthew's resolve.

The story has a happy ending, as the squirrel and Matthew's man bun are now engaged to be married.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Get your "I Petitoned the King" Stickers here while they last!

I keep seeing this silly meme propaganda video put out by Occupy Democrats
Harry Reid Tells Republicans You Created Trump By Obstructing 2016

Interesting. Harry says the republican establishment "obstructed?" Obama has hardly had to raise the veto pen, but instead has used his extra-constitutional pen and his phone for lawless executive order after executive order. He has had his way with 'fundamentally transforming' our health care, our economy, the middle east *sigh*. 

Indeed, Republicans are responsible for having created Trump, but not by "obstructing" Obama's lawless agenda, but rather by acquiescing to every un-American and unconstitutional act. I only WISH there had been some kind of push back from an opposition party. So now we get trump, and no sane person I know is happy about that.

And I keep hearing the tired argument that christian conservatives need to vote Trump (NOTE: Self-Linking Alert)  "Because Hillary. Because the Court".

Since 1969 (47 years), Republicans have nominated 12 out of the total 16 justices during this span. That's 75% Republican nominees, folks. How has the culture rot treated since then? Need I remind you it was The Burger court, with Berger, Blackmun and Powell all joining the majority in the court's 1973 decision, Roe v. Wade, establishing women's constitutional right to have murder their babies. Vote for Trump if you want, but stop this bogus argument.

Change, good or bad, will not come through these faithless courts or either of these 'deplorable' candidates. God Bless, and pray for America.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016


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And PerVertSky is constantly updating the software with the latest sext tweets to children direct from Weiner's twitter!

Here's what some are saying:
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"is that a laptop in my pocket or are you just happy for me to sext you?" - Anthony Weiner (democrat)